Session 6

1.Akpos Freed

Akpos was being discharged from a Mental Hospital after doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house so he led the doctors.They took him to where he claimed he lived. Just as they approached a certain house, two kids, dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Akpos screamed, "Those are my children going to school!" A minute later, a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed, "That's my wife, she is late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Akpos was ok and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed, "YES! THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK!"

2.Akpos and the Mouse.

AKPOS: I'm in big trouble!JOHNNY: Why is that?AKPOS: I saw a mouse in my house!JOHNNY: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.AKPOS: I don't have one.JOHNNY: Well then, buy one.AKPOS: Can't afford one.JOHNNY: I can give you mine if you want.AKPOS: That sounds good.JOHNNY: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.AKPOS: I don't have any cheese.JOHNNY: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.AKPOS: I don't have oil.JOHNNY: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.AKPOS: I don't have bread.JOHNNY: Then what is the mouse doing in your house!?

3.Killer Son

AKPOS: Dad, do you remember that day I killed a butterfly and you said no butter for a month?

DAD: Yeah.

AKPOS: Dad do you also remember that day I killed a honey bee and You said no Honey for a month?

DAD: Yeah.

AKPOS: Well, mummy just killed A cockroach, what should I tell her?

4.Senseless Akpos

Girl invited her boyfriend over for dinner at her home, so that he could meet her parents. While they were eating, it started raining heavily. The girls mother said: Akpos, I think you should sleep over here because this rain shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. After eating the mom went to the toilet and the father went to sleep while the girl went to the kitchen to clean the plates, when the girl and the mother returned, Julius was no longer there.As they were busy wondering where he was, he came back really soaking wet. Mother: Where were you and why are you so wet?Akpos replied: I went home to get my pyjamas."

5.Types of Woods

TEACHER: Name 3 types of wood. AKPOS: Nollywood, Bollywood and Hollywood

6.My Broken Computer

AKPOS: I cleaned my computer and it's broken!TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with?AKPOS: Soap and water.TECHNICIAN: You are not supposed to use water near a computer!AKPOS: I don't think it was the water that broke it, I think it is the washing machine.

7.I Eat Yam

In an English class...TEACHER: Akpos, make a sentence with yam.AKPOS: I eat yam.TEACHER: Good Akpos. I need you to make the sentence longer.AKPOS: I eat yam ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

8.I Can Walk

Akpos was on his way to school when he alighted at station he was supposed to take taxi to the schoolAKPOS: How much is the fare to the campus?DRIVER: Two Cedis.AKPOS: What about my load?DRIVER: I will take no money for that.AKPOS: Then take my load to the school I can walk.

9.Daddy's New Car

Akpos' dad bought a Range Rover Sport Car. Akpos' elder brother struck a deal with Akpos. He told Akpos to call him on phone when nobody is at home so that he'll come and take the car out to show off to his friends.When nobody was at home, Akpos called his brother on the phone, "Hello bros Thambo. Nobody is at home right now. You can come and take daddy's car out."The elder brother replied, "Okay. I'll be home in a jiffy." and rushed back home from where he was.He got home and was shocked to see the gate locked. He called Akpos on phone, "Akpos, I'm now at home to take the car out as planned. Why is the gate locked?"Akpos replied, "Bros Thambo. Were you not the one that told me to call you to come and take the car out when nobody is at home. Mummy and Daddy are not at home. I am not at home too.One word for Akpos?

10.Remain Silent

At a Wedding in a Church, the Pastor said to the Congregation;"Is there any Man or Woman here who knows anything that will make this wedding not to go on? You may say it now or forever remain silent."Akpos quickly stood up from the back and started walking towards the altar. The Bride fainted, the Groom ran out of the church. The Pastor gave the man the microphone to say what he wanted to say.He said "Pastor, please show me the way to the toilet, I want to poop."

11.Crocodile Spelling

TEACHER: Akpos, how do you spell "crocodile"? AKPOS: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"TEACHER: No, that's wrong.AKPOS: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

12.How Many Feet

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?AKPOS: It depends, if there are 3 people, then we have six feet.

13.What Will You Get

In a mathematics class...TEACHER: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Cynthia, 3 to Sonia and 2 to Mercy, then what will you get?AKPOS: 3 new girlfriends Ma!

14.Bone No Flesh

Akpos was given a leave from his office, so he decided to go and spend the leave with his friend in America. On getting there, the friend took him out to see places and the last place he took him to was the zoo. In the zoo, they visited the lions' cage. Suddenly, his friend jumped inside the cage. Akpos, stunned, wondered why he did that, but when the lion approached his friend, he said "Bone,no flesh." The lion was disappointed when it heard this, turned back and went to sleep. Akpos couldn't believe what just happened and he said to himself that he must try this in Warri zoo. So when he came back to Nigeria, he went to the zoo in Warri and jumped inside the lion's cage. As the lion approached him slowly, he said with all confidence, "Bone,no flesh!". But to his surprise, the lion cheekily replied. "I go manage am!"

15.Heart Surgery

Akpos went for his heart surgery, having earned enough money through his pay-off after his retirement. The following conversation follows...AKPOS: Doctor, I'm so scared, I've never done this before and I heard it has killed lots of people.DOCTOR: You shouldn't be worried at all. (The doctor said courageously).AKPOS: But why doctor? (Akpos asked anxiously)DOCTOR: Because of all the surgeries that has been carried out in my hospital, it's only one person that has been recorded dead before.AKPOS: (feeling a little bit relieved) If I may ask, how many have you done so far doc?DOCTOR: Yours will be the second.Akpos fainted immediately!

16.Mummy! Mummy!

A young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly, "Mummy, Mummy! Come quickly! There is a strange man playing with the house maid in her room!"His mother stood up in anger, "In my house?! Is this girl crazy?! God! If Akpos is saying the truth, I'm going to kill this girl today!"She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, Akpos, who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee, "April Fool Mum! It's only daddy playing with the housemaid!"

17.True Story

I was raped at the age of nine - Oprah Winfrey. I was in prison for 27 years - Nelson Mandela. I didn't even complete my University education- Bill Gates. I used to serve tea at a shop to support my football training - Lionel Messi. I grew up in the largest slum in Africa - Octopizzo. I struggled for 15 years to make it in comedy - Churchill. I was a house-help before I started music - Gloria Muliro. I was a school drop out - Mark Zuckerberg. I was the president of comedy before I became a beggar- Akpos

18.Computer Assistant

Akpos called a Computer Assistant on phone to complain and this conversation took place...COMPUTER ASSISTANT: May I help you?AKPOS: Yes, I am having trouble with WordPerfect.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: What sort of trouble?AKPOS: I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Went away?AKPOS: They disappeared.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?AKPOS: Nothing.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?AKPOS: What is the C prompt?COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?AKPOS: There isn't any cursor. It won't accept anything I type.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Does your monitor have a power indicator?AKPOS: What is a monitor?COMPUTER ASSISTANT: It is the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is switched on?AKPOS: I don't know.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well then, just look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?AKPOS: No, it's too dark in here.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Dark?AKPOS: Yes, my room's light is off, so the only light I have is what is coming from my window.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well, you had better turn on your room's light then.AKPOS: I can't.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Why?AKPOS: Because there is no light.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: No light? Okay, do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff that the computer came in?AKPOS: Yes, I kept them in my cupboard.COMPOTER ASSISTANT: That's good. Go and get them and unplug your computer and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it from. AKPOS: Really? is it that bad? COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Yes, it is. AKPOS: Well, alright then what do I tell them? COMPUTER ASSISTANT :Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer.

19.Kidnapped Wife

Akpos' wife was kidnapped one morning. He received a message in the afternoon, which included a picture of his wife gagged and tied up, asking him to pay a ransom of one million naira if he ever wants to see his wife again.Akpos replied the message, "You fool! My wife is fine at work, so you can't deceive me with a fake picture." When the kidnapper received his reply, he angrily cuts off one of his wife's fingers and sent it as a parcel to Akpos. When Akpos got the parcel, he called the kidnapper on the phone and said, "Idiot! This can be anybody's finger, send me her head instead!

20.Horse and Zebra

TEACHER: Akpos, can you differentiate between a horse and a zebra?AKPOS: Yes sir.TEACHER: (brings a picture of a horse) Which one is this?AKPOS: It's a horse, sir.TEACHER: Excellent! (now brings a Zebra) And which one is this?AKPOS: It's still a horse sir, but now it's wearing pyjamas.

21.Very Difficult

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his father...

FATHER: Akpos, how was your exams today?

AKPOS: It was very difficult, so I didnt even go to the exams center.

FATHER: What?! If you didnt go there, how do you know that it was difficult?

AKPOS: I saw the questions yesterday.