session 7

1.I Have A Boyfriend

Akpos was chatting with this girl and the following conversation started:AKPOS: Hey girl, I think your really hot, wanna go out?GIRL: I have a boyfriend.AKPOS: I have a Maths test on Monday.GIRL: So? what does that have to do with this?AKPOS: I thought we were just mentioning things that we can cheat on!

2.He and She

In an English Class...TEACHER: Akpos, if he is SHE, what will him be?AKPOS: Shim.

3.Blood Test

Akpos walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She couldn't find the cotton wool, so she looks innocently at Akpos and takes his finger and sucks it.Akpos is so pleased, then he asks with a wide smile on his face, "Please I desire to have a urine test done too."

4.Red Goat

A primary school teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a goat holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the goat in black and the umbrella green, however, Akpos, the class rebel, colored the goat in red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Akpos, how many times have you see a red goat?" Young Akpos replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a goat holding an umbrella."

5.Confident Akpos

Akpos the house help, entered Madam's room without knocking.MADAM: Akpos, this is wrong, what if I was naked or dressing up?AKPOS: That can never happen, madam. MADAM: How can you be so sure?AKPOS: I always peep first and if you are naked, I'll just wait and watch until you have dressed up before I enter.Akpos is currently in the emergency room of a general hospital.

6.Bad Wish For Politicians

Akpors found a bottle on the beach. He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch." "What catch?" he asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied Akpors. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a billion dollars," replied Akpors. POOF! One billion dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every politician in the world has two billion dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my billion," replied Akpors. "What is your final wish?" asked the genie. Akpors thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

7.Mummy's Boy

MUM: Akpos, why are you crying? AKPOS: I've hurt my finger. MUM: When? AKPOS: Half an hour ago. MUM: I didn't hear you crying then. AKPOS: No, I thought you were out.

8.WAEC Result

Akpos got his WAEC result and needed to tell his father about his performance:FATHER: Akpos, I learnt your WAEC result is out.AKPOS: Daddy, you remember Steven who used to emerge first in our class at the end of every term? he failed.FATHER: Thats terrible, what happened?AKPOS: You also remember Thambo who tutors me at home? He failed too!FATHER: Whats with the poor performance?AKPOS: Daddy I dont know. Thats how it is. Even Kwame who won the Cowbell Science and Maths competition failed.FATHER: So how was your own result?AKPOS : You also remember John our senior prefect? He failed too.FATHER: (Angrily) Boy, tell me about your own result!!AKPOS : (angrily) Papa, if all these people I've been telling you about failed, how do you expect me to pass?

9.God Blesses

One day Akpos read the bible for about four hours and made an amazing discovery. He rushed to his dad and asked him some pertinent questions...

AKPOS: God owns all thing and because He's very rich, He blesses His children and makes them rich too.

DAD: Yes I know, so what's your point?

AKPOS: Even Satan is wealthy too because his children become rich through drug trafficking, arm robbery, corruption, kidnapping, child trafficking, etc...

DAD: Hmmm, I also know that but you still haven't made a point.

AKPOS: My point is, God is blessed, yet He didn't bless you. Satan has money, yet he didn't give you. Now you are very poor... (he paused for a while) I want to know dad, who the hell is your father?

10.Trailer Driver

Akpos had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a trailer driver. He motioned for Akpos to pull over. When Akpos did, he got out of his trailer and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded Akpos, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"He then went to Akpos car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around, Akpos had a slight grin on his face, so the trailer driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his trailer and breaks every window in Akpos' car. When he turns and looks at Akpos, he hasa smile on his face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all Akpos' tires. Now Akpos is laughing.The trailer driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his trailer and gets a can of gas, pours it on Akpos' car and setsit on fire. He turns around and Akpos is laughing so hard, he is about to fall down."What's so funny?" the trailer driver asked the Akpos.Akpos replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

11.Broken Statue

Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken. Akpos: Thank God. I thought it was a new one.

12.Strange Cure

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.Yes, sir! answers Akpos.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: So, Akpos, how was your day?Akpos told him that he took care of three patients.The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.Bravo, and the second one? asks the doctor.The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Flagyl, sir. says Akpos.Bravo, bravo! Youre good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!Lord Jesus! Akpos, what did you do? asks the doctor.I put eye-drops in her eyes. One word For Akpos

.13.Garri Bag

Akpos goes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He had over his shoulders two large bags. The Customs Officer stopped him and asked, "What is inside the bags?""Garri", Akpos replied. The Customs Officer said, "Let me see. Come down from the bicycle." The Customs Officer took the bags and ripped them apart. He emptied them out and found nothing in them but garri. He detained Akpos overnight and had the garri analysed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure garri inside the bags.The Customs Officer released him, puts the garri into new bags, lifted them onto Akpos' shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The Customs Officer asked, "What do you have there today?" Akpos replied, "Garri." The Customs officer does his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contain nothing but garri. He gave the garri back to Akpos, and Akpos crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated everyday for four years. At last, Akpos did not show up again. One day, the Custom Officer met him in a drinking joint in Cotonou."Hey, my friend," said the Customs Officer, "I know you are smuggling something. It is driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between you and I, what are you smuggling?" Akpos sipped his Hi-Malt and replied, "Bicycles!"

14.Sick Akpos

Akpos is ill and goes to the doctor and describes his illness...AKPOS: Doctor, I am always feeling weak.DOCTOR: (gives him a medicine) You must always take four tea-spoonful of this medicine before every meal.AKPOS: Ok Doctor, but there is one problem.DOCTOR: What's the problem?AKPOS: I have only three spoons at home.

15.Akpos the Manager.

Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.The manager told him "In here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask."Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quicklyapproached them, nicely took their baggage and said,"Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception" and he led them to the reception.After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting thishotel before?""No" came the reply from the manager."So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpos."That is why I told you to be very observant. All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag.""Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?""Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said,"Welcome Mr & Mrs SUPERIOR HAND MADE LEATHER! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."The manager fainted!

16.The Real Father

MOTHER: Akpors I'm sorry I slept with someone that is not your father 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.AKPORS: Mum, what rubbish! How could you! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged!"MOTHER: I am sorry baby, he was my first love and I could not marry him cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his you for the first time ever.AKPORS: No I am speaking to no one, Mr bello is the only father I know and that will never change!MOTHER: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.AKPORS: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!Akpors already very angry, was ready to pour scorn on his apparent real father when:PHONE: Morning Son, I am Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.AKPORS: [Totally in shock] I always knew there was something special about me. I never did like Mr. Bello as my father.

17.Initiation Ceremony

Akpos mistakenly sent two million naira to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money. He realized that before the person would withdraw the money, he had to think of what to do to get his money back. He immediately sent this text to the number: "Hello Dark and Worthy Initiate, I hope you are okay, I believe you've received the money I sent you for the initiation ceremony into Eternal Mystical Order Of Glorious Satanism (EMOGS) in the Ogboni Fraternity scheduled to happen at midnight tomorrow. That money is only for transport, I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. "Two weeks after the initiation, your closest family member will die mysteriously and this death will unlock your ticket to wealth, ability to fly at night and change into all kinds of animals to deliver your various assignments. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don't be late because the Viceroy of Satan himself will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But just in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money otherwise you will die in the next 24 hours."Three minutes later, he got a message that says: "I will take my chances."

18.What Is X?

TEACHER: If 2x - 6 = 4, what is x?Akpos: An alphabet!

19.Temple of The Lord

Akpos and Esther were to get married in one week. Two days to their wedding, Esther decides to stay in Akpos's house. In the middle of the night, Akpos got aroused and started touching Esther's breasts. Esther got angry and told Akpos to stop saying, "My body is the temple of the lord." And just when she thought it was over, Akpos answered saying, "Then let me worship there."

20.No Ears

Akpos' next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Akpos' family to come over and see their new baby.Akpos' parents were very afraid their son would have some silly words to say about the baby. So, Akpos' dad had a long talk with Akpos before going to the neighbours house. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to beat you when we get back home.""I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Akpos. At the neighbour's house, Akpos leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at his mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"The mother, who had braced herself for Akpos' comments, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Akpos."Akpos then continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see clearly?" The mother who was a bit surprised, replied, "Yes, his doctor said he has a good vision. Why do you ask?"Akpos said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause if he can't see, he won't be able to wear glasses."

21.Wrong Father

One night, Akpos passed by his son's room and heard his son praying; "God, bless Mummy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."Akpos didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after a heart attack. Akpos reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.The next night, he heard his son praying again; "God bless Mummy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."Akpos was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, Akpos decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray; "God bless Mummy. Bye Daddy."Now Akpos was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to see the doctor early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here, we could really use your help! We found the Milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

22.Musa vs Akpos

After writing a maths examination, a fight ensued between Musa and Akpos. Classmates gathered around to watch the the two students exhibit their boxing skills. A teacher separated them and asked them why they were fighting...

AKPOS: This idiot copied me during the maths exam!

MUSA: Copy? Hes lying! I didnt write anything! My answer booklet was blank before I submitted!

AKPOS: You copied my blank answers! Because I didnt write anything on my answer booklet too before I submitted!

One word for Akpos?