Animal Time
Today, I'm going to propose three different scenarios in which "exotic" animals fight each other. The three main battles I am going to focus on are: Lion vs. Bear, Koala Bear vs. Monkey and a Giraffe vs. Tree Sloth. Instantly, I know you have already determined the three champions right now but I am going to break it down and drop some knowledge on you.
Lion vs. Bear: This is a fight that would intrigue even the most passive of onlookers. The bear is obviously bigger and in my mind stronger. Getting struck by a bear claw would be catastrophic to the lion, probably causing a crippling blow allow the bear to move in for the ending fatality. However; I feel the lion is more agile and far quicker than the bear. The bear's slow swings and failure to maintain sight of the lion would certainly be his doom. It's almost like the movies, little guy working his way through the ranks versus the fat hard hitter sitting at the top of the power pylon. Also, lions generally travel in packs and if the initial lion was down three more would replace him. Bear equals fucked. Lion wins this battle but only if he can steer clear of a bear claw to the face.
Koala Bear vs. Tree Monkey: The tree monkey is one of the cutest and cuddliest of all jungle tree swinging animals. This little guy would be the perfect pet for any household with little ones running around. Just don't let it get rabies or you're fucked. The koala bear, on the other hand, is also cuter than a kitten hugging a duckling. The little baby mini-bear that can clutch on to any tree like a toddler to its mother's leg. Both animals are so adorable and free spirited; you may not believe the facts that are going to accompany this next part.
An Asian woman was cuddling a small koala bear for a photograph when it sudden attacked, took her to the ground and started to ground and pound her like a heavy weight UFC fighter. When the authorities tried to tranquilize the koala, he pulled the darts out of his ass, broke them open and drank the tranquilize serum while maintaining eye contact with his attackers. He then proceeded to scratch the poor woman's face, hardcore style. The monkey has a truly violent past itself. Check out the movie Monkey Shines, you'll have nightmares for decades every time you see a monkey. Koala bear wins because Monkeys can't really cover your face with plastic wrap while you're driving and suffocate you, not yet at least.
The Giraffe vs. the Tree Sloth: This one is, as some would say, the act of leaving the best for last! While this fight seems about as exciting as having an erection and no fingers to fondle it with, it truly does pose the greatest chance for mass blood flow and destruction. The tree sloth is slower than the birth of a child. No, even slower, however, it has a severe set of claws and amazing climbing ability, allowing it to get close or right on the giraffe's head, sink the claws in and eat some brains. Now the giraffe has a few moves of its own. Giraffes have the ability to get their heads very low to the ground and swing them about like a wrecking ball, hence their severe stupidity. They do pose the ever so important "simpleton strength" though. We have the tree sloth that can massacre the giraffe's head and neck, both of which are fatal injuries but the giraffe can swing the sloth off its head and neck, chase it down and trample it to death. Giraffe wins hands down.
There you have it, three battles of epic proportions that would give even the most normal man a very large erection.
OH WAIT, HERE COMES A LONE CICADA; SHIT. ALL SIX OF THESE ANIMALS CAN BE DEFEATED BY ONE LONE CICADA!