"Napkins for Life"

When you go into the 7-11, there are certain items throughout the store that are complementary products. Creamers, straws, napkins, stuff along those lines. I think we could literally put the napkin companies out of business if all of us went to our local 7-11 every day and took two handfuls of napkins. I call this theory "Napkins for Life".

Using the "Napkins for Life" process, the United States could cut down eighteen million less trees per year and shut down over fourteen thousand napkin producing factories. These reallocated workers could then move up to the paper towel companies or even the plastic ware facilities that are spread throughout out the United States.

Try it out because it works. The second someone questions you, just say, "Where's the sign that says I can't take two hand fulls of napkins?" You know why you ask this question right? Because there is no sign! Easy win in the argument column! If they try to rebut this argument, ask them how much they sell each napkin for. The response will be silence.

"Napkins for Life" was initially founded in Wisconsin by an elderly man named Simon O'Finkle. Mr. O was a visionary until his love affair with system manipulation got the best of him. Simon tried to start heisting ATM machines from Kwik Stops because they didn't have a sign on them deterring the act. He was shot with a taser in the nuts by an over-eager security guard. No one could have known he had his original testicles replaced with gold plated pewter nuts. The electric shot triggered a small fire in his pants and as he panicked he began to pass gas excessively. The fire raged and consumed his body from the inside out. It was a travesty.

I am now leading the parade for "Napkins for Life", following in Mr. O's footsteps. I will not be tased in the nuts and have a small fire breakout due to metallic nuts and spread because of my inability to control my flatulence. I WILL lead this country to economic freedom!

I am running as an independent for the Office of President. I am going to be a write in and really the only thing I have going right now is "Napkins for Life" but it's better than nothing!