A life to cherish

When the pages of life turnover, you can never know what new things await you. I thought my tale would end, that the pages of my life had run out. But in the twist of events, there were more awaiting me.

After the rescue, I lived in the village that Noc took me to. A peaceful home in the middle of running plains, underneath the endless blue skies and a haven for humans and beastmen alike.

It was paradise and I was forever grateful to Noc. This was why I visited him every day to give him food during training and invited him constantly to eat at my place whenever he returned from missions. For giving me a life, I promised myself I would give him one as well, in my own way.

However, as the days went by I noticed he became more and more scarce in the village, almost as if he was avoiding it.

I talked to his fellow hunters and they said that he had returned from missions several times, and then would take another the day after.

An odd behaviour came coming from him, normally, he would stay for at least a couple of days before venturing out once again to work, but now he was heading out more quickly. Then there was the fact he had not come to visit me once, had something happened?

I tried asking the hunters if they noticed anything wrong with Noc and all they could say was that he looked tired and bogged down, almost as if he had the whole world on his shoulders.

Concern did not even begin to describe the heavy feeling that fell on my heart, hearing that Noc had taken on a burden that was crippling him, nearly made my tears fall to the ground if I had not held them back.

I left the hunters and returned to the plaza where I then just sat down on a bench, gazing up at the sky.

Once again the feeling of tears welling up in the corner of my eyes returned and when I closed my eyes, a tear would crawl down my cheek.

"Noc."

That painful feeling ate my heart, I could not understand it. The mere thought of that boy returning with so little life left made my stomach churn.

I did not wish to imagine his empty, tired gaze, nor did I wish to imagine a corpse returning. Yet that was all that my mind cared to show me and before I knew I was silently sobbing to myself.

"Izotza?"

A voice called out, it was not Noc's though, his voice was not so light, it did not sound like an angel's choir, nor did it have such melody to it. The voice belonged to a man well-loved by the people of the village, the counterpart to Noc, Arthur.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm quite alright, just thinking about something."

"Well whatever it is, it seems to bring pain, can I help in any way?"

His kindness was always so true, but that kindness was not what I needed at that time, so I shook my head and told him that I was fine on my own, but that gentleman could not bare the idea of leaving me, so I decided to humour him a little.

While I did not disclose to Arthur his brother's name, because I was aware there was some bad blood between them, or at least that was the feeling I felt whenever Noc and Arthur were to cross paths, I still did my best in explaining the weight in my heart.

"Sounds as if this person does not appreciate all you have done for them."

"I don't think that's what my friend is thinking, they have shown their appreciation in many ways. And, truth be told, they have done more for me than I for them."

Arthur must have noticed how gently I spoke and realised that this friend of mine was truly dear to my heart and so he no longer kept his criticising tone. Instead, he tried to understand my worries and give appropriate advice… or rather tried to.

"Well, maybe go to their home, they'll eventually go home and you can trap them."

"I do not believe they would appreciate such an act."

"They won't come to you, clearly, so you should strike first. It's moments like this that you should take incentive Izotza, otherwise… it'll be too late to act."

Those final words sounded so lonely and it made me wonder if Arthur had once found himself where I was, thinking, sobbing and waiting, only hoping that things would get better with time rather than seizing the opportunity.

Taking his words to heart, I thought about how I should approach Noc if I could. Deep down I knew I could not let my situation fester, eventually turning into an impossible task.

Soon my heart was set and a new sense of vigour flowed through my body.

"Thank you Arthur I think I now know what to do."

Arthur seemed surprised that his presence did some help, but a small smile quickly came to his visage.

"Of course, anytime Izotza."

------------------------------------------

I then ran back home and quickly put on my apron before grabbing some ingredients from my cupboards. I prepared my pot, took out my knives and chopping board, and then proceeded to slice, dice and mash my ingredients together prior to dumping them all into my pot alongside some cream, salt, pepper and other spices.

Noc has been over to my house before and I knew he loved this cream soup I made with some veggies and beef, I planned to entice his stomach so that he would come to my house once more, and then after a relaxing dinner, I would proceed to interrogate him in regards to his absence.

Unfortunately due to my attention being primarily on the food and Noc, I had failed to notice the setting sun and by the time I did, a new sense of worry came over me.

Elurra still had to arrive home.

Stopping my cooking, I rushed over to her to see if she had just fallen asleep in her bed, but after bursting in and seeing it all neat and tidy, my dread grew more.

I sprinted out of my house and down to the village, calling out to her at every chance I get, I would ask others if they had seen my little girl, but no one saw her in the village.

Continuing to check every nook and cranny of the village, paranoia soon set in as I thought the worst, could she have been kidnapped? Unlikely, nobody in the village would dare, but fear made me delirious and all my thoughts became dark.

Eventually, all my searching led me to the front gate, out of breath and tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.

"Elurra… where are you?"

The mere thought of losing her, made me crumble, I did not wish to lose another loved one, I had lost too many and if I were to lose her as well, living would have been meaningless.

As I knelt in front of the entrance, I whispered and prayed that she would return safe and sound.

"Please, someone, return my daughter to me."

"Mama?"

That sound, the sound of her sweet voice calling out, snapped me from the depths of my mind and immediately made me raise my head.

In front of me, with a worried expression was my daughter.

Without even thinking, my body moved on its own and proceeded to grab onto Elurra, entangling her in my arms as my tears finally fell.

"Where have you been?! I was so worried, do you know how late it is?!"

"I'm sorry mama, I was playing in the hills with my friends."

"The hills?! You went out?!"

Though the area around the village was safe, my past experiences had made me terrified of the world outside the village confines and as a result of that fear, I told my daughter not to head out for her safety.

"Why would you disobey?!"

"Mama-"

As my daughter was about to say something, another voice cut her off, one I was very familiar with.

"Izotza."

His voice, I have not heard for some time and hearing it once again, brought a sense of relief to my heart.

My gaze passed Elurra and behind her, with the same dishevelled appearance as the night I met him. His guns were holstered, blades resting on his back and his mask, while not present on his face, was dangling on the side of his waist.

The boy who had my heart crack not too long ago, was now once again in front of me, his eyes showing nothing but guilt.

"Noc."

"Don't be mad at her, she actually didn't want to head out, I caught her talking to her friends about it but they were all so insistent. She asked me to escort them so that she could keep her promise to you to stay safe."

I looked back at my daughter and saw her hanging her head in shame. But truly, I was the shameful one, I knew Elurra would never break her promises so easily, yet I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Cupping her face, I apologised to my little girl and admitted to her that I was wrong for just bursting out, however, I did tell her that next time she should tell me first so as not to make me worried. She agreed with a light nod and we shared a hug to seal our promise.

While in the midst of that warm embrace, I noticed a certain someone, tip-toeing away from us.

"Noc."

At the call of his name, the boy froze and mechanically turned his head around.

"Yes?"

I needed to ask and this was my only chance. So gathering all my courage I asked Noc the one question I had in my mind for a while since he stopped visiting me.

"Would you like to come over for dinner?"

Noc didn't seem like he wanted to come, but he soon relented and agreed to join me and Elurra for dinner at my home. Unfortunately, his secrecy and awkwardness were still present, leading to me feeling more concerned as opposed to relief from seeing him again.

On the way home, Elurra and I chatted away about what she did during her time outside the village. It seemed as though Noc was with them for the entire day after he returned from a job, something I found slightly sombre as I knew that Noc had been slaving away for some time.

Without scolding my little girl, I told her not to ask too much of Noc due to his work, something she understood and promised me that she would tell her friends to be more considerate next time.

Truly, I was touched by how mature my daughter was, I raised her well.

Once home, I told Noc he could take a bath while I finished the cooking I left behind, but he retorted, saying he had no clothes.

"You can just use some that I have."

"You have male clothes?"

"I prepare them just in case you come around."

"Huh?"

Realising what I had said, I immediately felt heat rise through my face. I then turned to Noc and told him that I didn't mean anything by it and that they were merely gifts I had prepared, however, I doubted my explanation was sufficient, judging from the shocked expression he was wearing.

Still, he didn't question it and went to take a bath, meanwhile, I told Elurra to grab the clothes I prepared in my stead as I needed to finish the cooking with a crimson face.

At the time, my mind was in shambles, the words I said and the feeling that ate at my heart, what was wrong with me? It was almost as if… no I did not dare think that I harboured anything, I was already a married woman and a mother, I was in no position for such things.

During dinner, Elurra happily spoke with Noc about her training and studies, like a daughter to her… father.

Maybe it was just me, but I noticed that ever since we travelled with Noc, Elurra had become rather bright and talkative in comparison to when we were back in our previous home. There, she was timid, quiet and loved to stay indoors. Truthfully, it was only after we started wandering the lands did she start to easily communicate with others and even actively seek out adventures on her own.

That development would not have been possible without Noc, who pushed Elurra to learn how to fend for herself. Honestly, I was grateful, I never would've done it back in our old home, it was just too peaceful, I thought I would never have needed to teach her such things.

Taking every experience we had into account, I had a feeling that maybe my little girl actually associated Noc as her new father figure.

"Hey mama?"

"Hmm? Yes dear?"

"Can Noc come with us to the city?"

"Huh?"

"You said you wanted to go to the city right? But you can't since we would probably be kidnapped, so you never did."

That was something I said, the city closest to the village was full of humans who captured and sold beastkin as slaves, as such, whenever the villagers needed to deliver something and it was a beastman in charge, there would always be a human guard with them.

Because of how rigid the process was, I could never go there myself and instead needed to buy everything in the village or specifically request it.

"I don't mind taking you two."

Noc's offer was tempting and I would have taken it if my mind did not babble my concerns instead.

"Haven't you been taking on a lot of jobs? Maybe you should get some rest first."

Noc was taken aback that I knew about his outings and so was I since I never intended to let that slip out.

The boy in front of me then began to just scratch his head while also sheepishly looking off to the side.

"So you knew huh?"

His voice was shaking a little, was it that much of a secret he could not tell me? Apparently so as he quickly admitted he never wanted me to know, so as not to worry me. Unfortunately for him, it did worry me, in fact, it worried me more because it was a secret.

"Was there a reason you had to keep it a secret?"

"Well…"

Noc then turned to Elurra who in turn, looked at him before nodding, as if to give the signal that it was alright.

"What is happening you two?"

Elurra turned to me with a wide grin, then proceeded to pass the baton to Noc before excusing herself from the table to brush her teeth. As she headed up the stairs, she shouted for Noc to make sure to stick to the plan and give me something.

Honestly, what a confusing conversation that was. It also did not help that afterwards Noc just sat with me in total silence, eyes glued to the floor.

In the end, I had to take the initiative and ask for some clarity.

"Noc, what is happening?"

"Um, you see… Elurra may have told me something and so… I kinda sorta needed to get that done before seeing you again. I didn't mean to hide, I swear, she just told me to."

"Elurra did?"

"Yeah."

I tried guessing what it could have been, but honestly with how much Elurra had changed, I was not so sure any of my assumptions were true.

While my thoughts ran wild trying to figure out what Elurra could have possibly told Noc to cause him to not visit, a small box then appeared in front of me, it was wrapped in paper and some red string was holding it all together in a neat bow.

"What is this?"

"The thing Elurra told me to work for."

I took the box into my hands and glanced up at Noc who was still looking away, however, I could now make out the dusting of pink on his cheeks.

Looking back down at the box, I already ruled out a wedding ring, not that I wanted one, but that could not have been it since it was a long box, meaning it could either have been a necklace or bracelet.

"May I open it?"

"Of course, it's yours to begin with."

Unwrapping the box, I then took the lid off only to be met with the most beautiful necklace I had ever laid my eyes upon.

A shining, silver chain with a snowflake as the charm, it was simple, yet radiated such beauty.

"This is… wow."

"Glad you like it."

"Are you giving this to me?"

"Yeah, of course, it's your birthday tomorrow, right? I thought of giving that to you as a gift, it's a bit early but, happy birthday Izotza."

How foolish, there I was, grinning like a little girl at a shiny present, or was it because who gave it to me was Noc? It did not matter, both filled my heart with joy, drowning all those worries from before to the depths, never to surface again.

Still, despite thanking and appreciating what Noc had done for me, I could tell the necklace alone must have cost him a fortune, hence the amount of work he undertook for weeks. So, not wanting to see him work himself haggard, I told him that he need not push himself to the brink of collapse to make me happy, knowing he was healthy and well was more than enough.

Noc understood my view, however, he refuted it and said that for me, he would work as hard as he could. Although he was going to take on board my words and try to be more open to me regarding surprises.

It was not exactly what I wanted, however as a compromise, it was sufficient.

With our promises out of the way, I invited Noc to put the necklace onto me and once again I was treated to the sight of a flustered young man.

When he took the chain into his hands, I could feel their light trembling yet he fought them back and managed to attack the chain together before allowing the accessory to dangle.

"How is it?"

I turned and made sure to allow Noc to see the necklace.

"It suits you."

Such simple words, yet they made my heart flutter and my face heat up ever so slightly.

"Thank you Noc, for this gift."

"I just wanted to give back to you for taking care of me, feeding me and just listening to my troubles sometimes. I owe you a lot."

"Nonsense, you gave me a home, a new life and my daughter's safety. Nothing I do will ever repay that."

From here we devolved into light bickering, where we would shower each other with praise as a form of argument. I was not mad by any means, yet I could not allow him to tell me that he owed me when it was the other way around.

When I was ready to surrender my fate to death, he came and rescued me, when I had no home to return to, he gave me shelter, when I lost everything, he gave me new things to hold onto.

I owed Noc everything and no matter what I did I never felt as though my dept was paid. I wanted to do more, to give more, to be more for him, yet nothing ever came to my mind.

I wanted… I wanted…

"I want to give everything to you!"

"... Huh?"

In the spur of the moment, it seemed as though my heart spoke for me and my desire of wanting to return instead came out as an odd confession. However, hearing myself say such words, it made me realise something, or rather it made me accept what I held back.

"Noc, you've given me something I can never repay with the way I am now. Which is why I want you to listen carefully…"

A part of me did not wish for me to continue with my words, it kept telling me that it was immoral, not just from the fact I had another, but also from how different we were, I was older than Noc, not by much, but still, he was a younger man, was it truly alright? Not to mention I was a beastkin and he was human, those relationships were non-existent and I feared the discrimination brought onto me would also be brought onto Noc.

So many wrongs were present in my thoughts that my lips quivered and the words which I tried to utter would just be fixed in my throat.

As the doubts kept on piling on top of one another, I felt my lips close and my courage fade away. However, just as I was about to give up, I then felt Noc's hand on top of mine.

"Noc?"

"Looks like you have something to say, go ahead. I'll listen."

When those words entered my ears, I felt all the worries I had drift away and a sense of serenity washed over me instead.

How embarrassing, I thought after everything I had gone through, I was capable of at least sorting through my own emotions, however, that was clearly not the case, for I still had much to learn about myself and how I wished to live. As a start, I needed to face those lingering feelings I held back, no matter the consequence, no matter the guilt, I needed to be honest.

"Noc-"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I said it, I didn't know whether it was the right words to say or if it was a sin, but I no longer ran away and that's all that mattered to me.

While I was satisfied with my actions, Noc had some trouble processing such words, his face was just frozen with wide eyes and a slightly gaping mouth.

"Noc?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…"

He fidgeted around and stuttered as he tried to get some words out in response to my confession, a hilarious image truthfully that I couldn't help but giggle at his cute panic.

"Hey it's not funny."

"I am sorry, it is just because I have never seen you so flustered before, it is quite amusing."

Noc blushed red at my amused expression but quickly returned to a calm demeanour as he addressed my words. For Noc, he was elated at hearing that I cared so much for him, because he too harboured feelings for me, but always kept it to himself out of respect for my deceased husband, stating that he thought that I still had feelings for my late partner. Which, while wasn't false, was no longer something I held onto dearly.

Did I look back very fondly on my late husband? Of course, as the man whom I loved and was the father of my daughter, I held him close to my heart and my memories with him were still my treasures.

But, that hole that my husband left, Noc filled it.

He was not a replacement by any means, they were fundamentally two different people, but I could not ignore that Noc had given me many things and was there when I was at my weakest.

Yes, my heart for a while after I was saved still belonged to my husband, but slowly it was then taken by the man who saved me that snowy night. He nurtured me, helped me and cured me of my nightmares, so it was only natural my heart would slowly yearn for his warmth.

I told Noc all of these emotions and thoughts that swirled in me, never letting a single detail slip by. I wanted him to hear it loud and clear, that I loved him, that he was not a replacement, and that he was the only man that was now in my mind.

That night, was a night full of confusing feelings all coalescing into a confession I was not ready for. Was it romantic? By the gods no, it was messy and sudden, but did it get the job done? Absolutely.

But I suppose that was why it worked so well for me, my life was never a pretty mural that depicted a tale of love and love, it was always a life full of losses and gains.

Yet despite all of this, it is a life I have come to cherish and will continue to cherish for years to come.

The End~