CHAPTER THREE

Weeks went by and this Tuesday I woke up in high spirits. Happy. I

focused on my history thesis. I had to finish it in order to get my

degree to finally practice my profession. I remembered you, you were always nagging me to finish it. At that time I was afraid

because I knew that practicing my profession would take away my

time to be with you. I always tried to please you and I left myself

aside. I spent the whole day doing my thesis, my only company was

the ashtray and a pack of cigarettes. At nightfall I had dinner,

ordered pizza and watched romantic movies as we used to do on

weekends. I cried tirelessly, for in the movies I saw a vague

reflection of what our relationship was like. I was curious to see

what you were doing, I watched you on social media. You were

partying with your friends. I was happy for you. I reviewed our

photos and the crying deepened even more. I remember I used to

tell you that melancholy was the most powerful feeling a person

could feel. The act of recalling memories and the inability to not be

able to relive them is devastating. I drank beer and smoked more

cigarettes and finally fell asleep, my cheekbones sweating with tears

falling from my eyes.

I woke up very late, I didn't want to get out of bed, I was incredibly

listless. I struggled and got up, ate some leftovers from the night

before and continued working on my thesis. I managed to finish it

and I felt proud. I wanted to talk to you and tell you so you could

tell me that you were proud of me too, but I understood that you

were gone. Suddenly a cloud of sadness settled over me. I should be

happy that I had completed what I had longed for the most, but I

was sad that I could not share that achievement with you. I smoked

even more, and reread the thesis. More memories surfaced, as I

remembered how much you loved it when I talked to you about

history and philosophy, you loved to question things and learn

from our past. Melancholy invaded me again, and I had no choice

but to drink and smoke until I became unconscious, I didn't want to

think, much less feel.

I got up early today, shaved, put on my best suit and went to the

faculty to present my thesis. We spent hours deliberating and I

defended my thesis until they concluded the act and applause fell

on my back. They congratulated me and gave me the title. My

passion had finally come to an end. It was time to find a job, I knew I wanted to go into teaching,

because I loved teaching you and I know I would love teaching

other people. My friends congratulated me and we met for coffee.

We chatted a bit about how we were doing and how life had treated

us. I let off some steam and told them that I had made a mistake in

breaking up with you and they nodded apologetically. I shouldn't

be talking about that. I had achieved something important but even

in that moment of personal happiness, I was thinking of you. Only

you. I got home, and checked my cell phone. A notification from

you, a message telling me coldly congratulations. My heart started

beating again. I knew you were proud of me. We talked a bit about

how our life was going and the conversation ended. It felt good to

know that you were still thinking about me. That night I was able to

sleep after so long, with a slight smile on my face. You were finally

back after all.

Although your return was cold, it was a return at last.

I had a lucid dream this time, I could control what I was doing and

even though I didn't like these dreams at all, I could dream about

you, I imagined us in an apartment in Buenos Aires City, the two of

us watering plants, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes while

petting our cat. Sometimes I am surprised by the capacity of human

beings to create scenarios that may never happen, at least not in this

life. I got up early because I had a job interview. I was offered to be a

substitute teacher at a high school. I was excited about the idea of

starting to teach, I was only 25 years old and I was just starting in

the adventures of education. I realized that the offer was from the

school where I studied in high school, where it was there that I met

you. Nostalgia invaded me at that moment. I was going to

remember all the moments we spent there. I arrived at the interview,

with my old principal, she was still there after all these years, she

was still in good shape and I recognized her, and she recognized me

too. - You were a student of mine weren't you, how are you doing

Sebastian! Look at the twists and turns of life... -.

-Everything is fine, director. I answered. We laughed and it was a

very comfortable interview, I finally got the job and tomorrow I

start. I walked through the corridors where we talked during

breaks. I saw the stage I remember it as if it was yesterday, you were shaking from a slight

panic attack, I hugged you and gave you a little kiss on the mouth,

which indicated the beginning of that relationship. I got home, I told

my friends the news and we burst out laughing, no one could

believe it. We remembered all those moments we spent and an air of

nostalgia in the chat was glimpsed, we all wished to return to those

times where life was simpler and free of responsibilities, I longed to

return to meet you again and feel that feeling of falling in love again

with you. It was magical. Indescribable, a sensation that does not

lack description, but it has an effect on my heart. I had dinner as

usual leftovers from the day before, smoked my usual cigarette and

went to bed excited to start tomorrow. I had high expectations. I felt

like telling you the news and I did. We talked for a couple of

minutes, but I noticed you were down, sad, through the screen I

could tell that you were not entirely happy, and a feeling of concern

flooded my soul and conscience. I said goodbye and fell asleep with

a feeling of worry. Something was wrong with you.

I got up in a good mood, had a cigarette for breakfast with a cup of

black coffee as I always did and went to work. It was my turn to be

in the 4th grade classroom, my students were between 16 and 17

years old. It was a private school, I was not worried because I did

not have to deal with situations that are out of my hands as a

teacher. I entered the classroom. Silence. It seemed strange to me, at

that age I was always rowdy and talking up a storm. I made my

presentation and met my students. I was struck when one of them

was introducing himself, he was the typical funny guy in the class, I

asked him what he liked to do and he answered that masturbating

was his favorite activity. I laughed, it was an immature and off-

color joke, but I wasn't there to be a cop, I was there to teach. I asked

the class who liked history. No one raised their hand. I laughed, and

started the class. I had a relaxed teaching method, I think it is more

important to dialogue and generate a bond with the students to

indirectly generate a taste for the subject. I finished my class and

went home. I loved teaching them a little bit, even if it was and I felt complete doing what I did best. When I got home I saw a

message from Noelia, my old coworker, we talked a bit and she

invited me to have coffee in the afternoon. I accepted her proposal

and went. When I arrived at the coffee shop she was dressed in

baggy pants and a brown sweatshirt, I liked the way she dressed,

alternative, as if it was fashion from the end of the last century.

Noelia had green eyes, thick lips, brown curls falling on her head

and above all she had extremely long eyelashes, false they seemed

to me. I greeted her with a hug and we sat down to have coffee.

-I heard you had a new job, what are you up to, tell me about

it!

-Well, Noe, I finally graduated and started working at the high

school where I studied, a bit nostalgic if I'm honest, but I really like

it, I'm passionate about it, what can I tell you...

- I am so happy for you Seba! I knew you were going to finish that

thesis and you were going to be the best professor.

Her words echoed through my head, I realized that she liked me to

some extent or appreciated me. Anyway, I was a bit indifferent to

her, I didn't feel the same way about her.

We talked a little more and said goodbye. She invited me to go to

her house, but I did not accept, I did not want to relate much with

her, because during the talk I discovered that I did not like her at all,

she kept telling gossip and badmouthing other people. That kind of

personality doesn't fit my style, because I don't like to talk bad

behind the backs of people I know. I came home and smoked, I felt

empty, because I understood that it was a real possibility of not

connecting with someone for the rest of my life and I missed you. I

missed you too much. My eyes watered as I looked out the window

at the moon, I remembered that you always liked to look at it, and

you sent me pictures of it when I least expected it, you had a

connection with the stars that I did not understand but that you felt.

I had dinner and slept.

I woke up a little sick, I had a little cough, I let it go and had

breakfast to go to work. I went into the classroom and my students were a little listless. They had had a test the hour before and they

had all done poorly. I told them not to worry and gave them all

treats to cheer them up, they applauded me and we laughed a little.

It was not common for a teacher to give food to students, but for me

it was indifferent, I consider myself a sweet and kind person, and I

love to generate actions that have positive connotations for people.

We talked a bit about the current topic of the class, and in the last 10

minutes I let them talk to each other to relax a bit. The funny guy,

Pablo, a medium tall guy with brown hair and black eyes like the

coffee he drank in the mornings, included me in his group of

friends. He asked me typical questions, why I had so many tattoos,

what school was like before and those things you can chat and

answer. I liked him, and al, although he didn't like to say it, liked

history, was quite active in my classes and liked to answer. I walked

around the school some more, went upstairs, where we used to hide

to make out back then. I remembered the time when you didn't

arrive and I got impatient and wanted to leave, until I saw you

arrive, crying because you had flunked, I consoled you, and you

hugged me. It was one of the days when I felt the warmth of your

body the most. I went back to my apartment. I played with Felix for

a while, he was restless because he had no food so I decided to go

and buy some for him.

On the way to the grocery store I saw you, you were walking alone

with shopping bags. We greeted each other, and I wanted to talk to

you to tell you about everything, but your sudden "I have to go

now" stopped me in my tracks and I said goodbye. I watched you

leave once again. I came home and cried for a while with my kitten.

He understood me, strangely enough, because he licked my face

with innocent tenderness and filled me with comfort. I smoked a

couple of cigarettes and went to sleep without supper, I was so

exhausted.

A memory of us replayed in my head during the night. I

remembered that night you slept for the first time in my apartment,

you arrived, we ate hamburgers. You were dressed in a spring

dress, your black eyes stood out in the room, you had brown hair

back then, I remember dozing my face in that sea of brown, we watched

children's movies like we used to watch, and fell asleep. I woke up

with a bitter taste in my mouth, not because of last night when I

only smoked and went to bed without dinner, but because of that

happy memory that reflected a present of bitterness and infinite

nostalgia in which I found myself. A hearty breakfast and I left for

work, as soon as my students asked me if I had brought any food. I

extended my hand over my briefcase and raised it quickly, telling

them I had nothing. I didn't want them to get used to me bringing

them treats every day, as I would run out of money. It was a very

good class, they were very participative and as usual the 10 minutes

before the end of the class I stopped to talk to them, they asked me

what I thought about a couple that was in the class, I told them that

there was nothing nicer than being in love, and Pablo opened his

mouth and asked me if I had ever been in love with anyone. I

snapped at him and asked him if he had ever been in that situation,

to which he answered with a resounding "No." I told him that I was

not going to understand. I told him that he was not going to

understand my answer. He was disappointed.

But I didn't want to talk about something that still hurt. After all,

that's what therapists are for. On my way home I passed by the

bodegón where we always used to go. I arrived and was served by

the same waitress who always served us. I ordered the menu of the

day, and she had the audacity to ask me about you. I told her that

we had separated and she became sad. She told me that we made a

beautiful couple. I laughed and nodded. Although inside I fell to

pieces, he was right after all, we did make a beautiful couple and I

ruined everything. On my way home I smoked several cigarettes

and crossed paths with Noelia, I tried to avoid her, but she

recognized me and invited me to her apartment to talk a little and

smoke, I agreed. She lived in one of the best areas, which seemed

strange to me because we had the same salary, we had coffee, and

she jumped on me. I avoided her and told her I wasn't interested

and she burst into tears. I didn't understand why, until she

sentenced me with "I've been in love with you for a long time.

I tried to console her and told her that I could not love her because

my heart was broken and belonged to someone else. I hugged her

and we talked until she calmed down and I decided to go to my

apartment. On the way home I had a I felt sorry for her, I mean, she didn't choose to fall in love with me

and didn't deserve my cold reaction. But on the other hand I felt I

did the right thing by avoiding her, because it was not going to end

in a cold and unfeeling relationship. I came home, played with

Felix, smoked more cigars and talked to my friends. And finally I

was able to fall asleep with strange normality.