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BLEH_Hed
BLEH_HedLv142yr
2022-10-24 06:34

The mc has no personality. The Ones and Abeloth have been introduced into the story, for seemingly no reason yet, at chapter 10. The story feels rushed and undeveloped in places as well. The quality of the writing is also isn’t great.

Star Wars: Rise of Mandalore

Knight_Riku
4.1
115 Chs

Liked by 7 people

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Replies3
Knight_Riku
Knight_RikuAuthor

ever heard of Foreshadowing and Time Travel and Force Visions? clearly not

2yr
BLEH_Hed
BLEH_HedLv14

Ever heard of pacing, development and correct timing. Clearly not. I’m not sure what bring up time travel and force visions is meant to say. I never criticised your stories continuity or it’s lore aspects, in fact you seem to have a great understanding of Star Wars lore as a whole. My problems come from your writing techniques and your stories structure. Just because it makes sense in terms of the story does mean it’s a good idea, such as (as an example this obviously isn’t related to your story) if an mc was assassinated by Palpatine because he had a force vision of them messing up his plans. This would make sense in terms of the story but is a terrible idea for obvious reasons. I am going to assume that you mentioned foreshadowing because of my mention of Abeloth. If that is your idea of foreshadowing, then I am terrified by what you think unsubtle is.

Knight_Riku:ever heard of Foreshadowing and Time Travel and Force Visions? clearly not
2yr
9
Knight_Riku
Knight_RikuAuthor

its foreshadowing cause reason she is after him. a story needs a clear u declining objective and antagonistic force for the prrotagonist. this happening this early in the story does just that in a unexpected way for the readers and it would happen if anyone even you were reincarnated in his position. also as for my writing, I am putting about 30% to 40% of my effort into it. I simply font have enough time to Improve and edit it and so what u all are reading is ge raw 1st draft. for my actual book series I plan to sell that I am doing, I go over all of it about 7 times, improving and editing it every time to achieve perfection in grammer and sentence structures. I do not have the time for star wars or anything in general as I do Labour and am very tired from the work. especially recently I got kicked out of my home by my family and had to deal with all that stuff even prior to it.

BLEH_Hed:Ever heard of pacing, development and correct timing. Clearly not. I’m not sure what bring up time travel and force visions is meant to say. I never criticised your stories continuity or it’s lore aspects, in fact you seem to have a great understanding of Star Wars lore as a whole. My problems come from your writing techniques and your stories structure. Just because it makes sense in terms of the story does mean it’s a good idea, such as (as an example this obviously isn’t related to your story) if an mc was assassinated by Palpatine because he had a force vision of them messing up his plans. This would make sense in terms of the story but is a terrible idea for obvious reasons. I am going to assume that you mentioned foreshadowing because of my mention of Abeloth. If that is your idea of foreshadowing, then I am terrified by what you think unsubtle is.
2yr
1
Other Reviews
Bruscar
BruscarLv10

I've only read until chapter 3 for a simple reason, you gave him too many wishes and that makes him uncomfortable along with various things you don't explain at the time. like where your money comes from. and putting his beloved also with many powers, I don't feel that it looks good. Sure, maybe you'll explain it later, but those things get awkward. the rest seems quite good to me, your writing is comfortable and the idea itself is not bad, but the way is not correct. my recommendation, the theme of wishes should be simple, but easy to understand, and if it is possible not to op from the beginning but to give it a development, that when you read it you feel that the protagonist earned what he got. And another piece of advice I can give you is to try to explain everything at the time and in a simple way. that is, try to use the least amount of words but explain it as much as possible. something simple is easier to work, something complicated will only confuse the readers.

2yr

JokerHighJack
JokerHighJackLv10

Story is very good an i am actually really interested to see where things go. However the one problem i do have with this fanfic is the spelling and grammar. Every Paragraph it feels like there is something misspelled or written incorrectly. Other then that i think this is great.

2yr
Knight_Riku
Knight_RikuAuthor

Review what u think. Chapter 27 is when episode 1 events begin. .

2yr
LeyMerSen
LeyMerSenLv12

Very messy writing. Too many thing added that seems unnecessary. The story itself is good. But all that is ruined by the bad writing, from speeling mistakes to the way the story is written.

2yr
IWant2DieALilMore
IWant2DieALilMoreLv14

I only made it to chapter 9. Its very interesting, but also extremely boring, because the writing format is like you are ready journal entries. I was cool with the page long "wish", but there is no interactions with other characters/canon people lol. Its more of what he/she "is feeling/thinking/or overall situation awareness like what the scene is supposed to be perceived as. This is fulfillment which is perfectly ok, but I don't how to explain it correctly, but it feels hollow/empty of anything but people actions, but no emotions for said actions.

2yr
JustAlitleShadow
JustAlitleShadowLv4

I have never read a book this good organized and just logical ITs as if its a novel But better! He makes not many errors anf if there are errors they are not hindering the experience at al This is probably the best book i have read on this platform!

2yr
Necromancer_12345
Necromancer_12345Lv14

It’s an amazing book, don’t get me wrong. Probably one of the better starwars fanfics out there but please, for the love of all that is Holly, run what you wright through grammerly it spell check it something because that is the only probalem. That and how could you kill space Jesus?!?!

2yr
The_forgotten_ones
The_forgotten_onesLv4

I'm trying so hard to read this i love how it is and what your trying to do the only thing that is hurting this for me is that it's star wars and I'm not that big of a star wars fan.

2yr
CouchPotatoDandy
CouchPotatoDandyLv5

I've till chapter 3 and I honestly can't say if this is a good fanfic or not. Though for me I personally don't like those fanfics where the MC already have his female partner already decided on the first chapter of the story. It reduces the thrill and anticipation for me.

1mth
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