webnovel
Okami_Aquila
Okami_AquilaLv123yr
2022-02-03 21:14

Ah, I was going to wait until I've read the entire book, but I can barely get past chapter 3 without some critiques. Proper address of the servants and masters are a given, this is a period piece set in ancient China even though I haven't seen a dynasty mentioned still the manner in which the people speak is off putting. Have you ever watched or read a Chinese period novel or drama? It's a great story and plot but the voice I get from it is 'modern American'. Please consider revisions if you haven't already and you might benefit from reading 'From Ceo to Concubine' by Queeniecat on here bc that is a well written Ye Dynasty transmigration piece.

Liked by 2 people

LIKE
Replies3
nnaj2004
nnaj2004Lv1

First of all, thank you so much for your comments. I'm sorry if my way of writing is bad. This is my first ORIGINAL story. Before this, I only wrote fanfic. I admit I lack of knowledge in ancient Chinese poetic sentences and culture and English is my 2nd language. So that's why this story sounds more like a modern story. But I challenge myself to write this because I love historical theme. Sorry again if this story doesn't meet your expectations. I will take note of your criticism and write a better story in the future.

Okami_Aquila
Okami_AquilaLv12

Ah, now it makes sense! Great plot and story line for your first work. Please consider the recommendation that I spoke of before and I wish you all the best in growing as a writer.

Okami_Aquila
Okami_AquilaLv12

Oh also, when it comes to actually publishing your writing, if that's something you want to do in the future, I suggest doing more research given the flow of your story. If you are offended by constructive criticism then just ignore it, but it's meant to help you become better in your field if thats what you choose to do, because as I mentioned I would love to edit this piece.

Related Stories

I Became a Scumbag in The End Times With a System and a Wife? (GL)

Lu Wuqi was killed while trying to protect a little girl from tens of bullets. But instead of dying, she became the successor of the 'RV upgrade system' and was reborn in a melodramatic post apocalyptic novel and became the scumbag with the same name as her who gave her wife to others to play with to save her life. The scumbag even tried to kill their baby by abandoning her in this world filled with rampant zombies. In the original novel, Lu Wuqi was a vain alpha woman who was even cheating on her wife. she didn't even want to endure the hardships and only wanted to curry favor with the boss of a gang by selling her wife. She wanted to let her wife be the plaything of the whole gang just to enjoy a glass of wine and food. She also felt that their baby daughter was nothing but a burden in the end times and even tried to let her be the food of zombies, this scene was seen by the heroine Yun Qingyue and in a moment of desperation, she awakened superpowers and killed the whole gang as well as the original Lu Wuqi and escaped from there with her daughter. Later, She even met her destined alpha 'Lin Ge' who respected and loved her very much. They even set up their own base and recruited a lot of members and their base also became the only place where omegas could stay safe. Their base also grew larger as they became stronger and they even established their own kingdom after eradicating the zombies. Lu Wuqi couldn't help but feel unfair : qAq... Why am I a scumbag trash.... qAq... Fortunately, Lu Wuqi was an expert mercenary in her previous life and even the boss of her own mercenary agency. Her fighting skills and physical fitness were extremely amazing, coupled with the 'RV upgrade system' , she changed her original destiny written in the novel. She escaped with the cub and the heroine and even made their own magical RV. Later, she slowly regained the trust of the heroine and even grew to love her and their little cub by her whole heart. Lu Wuqi : Hmmphh!! Who said, I was a straight woman?? I obviously Love my wife very much... hehee,.... .. .. # A little Sneak Peek : Lu Wuqi was currently kneeling on her knees outside their bedroom, Lu Wuqi : Babyyyy~~ I'm Sorry, I will be gentle next time... Yun Qingyue : Shameless!! You always say this.... #Another day, Yun Qingyue : I seem to have just seen your dear white moonlight... Lu Wuqi (Scared Jpg.) : Really? I mean... what white moonlight?? I don't have any.. Yun Qingyue : With a smile on her face : Really?? Lu Wuqi : qAq.... THIS IS MY ORIGINAL BOOK!!! READ AND ENJOY...

Saim_Hossain · LGBT+
Not enough ratings
76 Chs

Master Bai! This Celestial Fox Spirit Is Asking For Divorce

Dangerous Omega Series #1 After dying in a horrific hate crime, Suki, a certified Fudanshi and a covert celestial fox spirit living in the human realm undergoes a mysterious transmigration. He was unwittingly transported into the very world depicted in "Their S-Class Affairs," an intense, hardcore and smut-ty BL manhua. The story that he was reading before his untimely demise. Suki, as the legendary nine-tailed fox, would have an easy and comfortable life if he possessed a body of a nameless extra. He could watch the betrayal and messy lives of the characters in the Manhua without throwing himself into the eye of the storm. However, fate proves harsh for a demon spirit like Suki as he unexpectedly becomes the omega husband of the enigmatic alpha and wild stallion ML, Bai Tingfeng. In the panels of the manhua, Bai Tingfeng harbors no affection for his vain and irresponsible husband. Suki, who now assumes the identity of the renowned model omega, Shen Yuan, knows this all too well. There's no way in hell that he can rely on the S-Class alpha's help in consolidating his new body. Since Suki can't acquire help, he doesn't want to be affected by whatever drama that the ML's halo would attract. Who would want to get all the trouble without reaping the benefits? No one. Shen Yuan/Suki decided to stand on the sidelines while munching popcorn, ready to watch the drama. Let Bai Tingfeng unleash his beastly nature and become the notorious f*ck boy in the city. Suki/Shen Yuan doesn't care about that. All his concern was to be separated from this difficult man! Will the husband and husband fall for each other? No one knows. Only the electronic billboard asking someone's WIFE for a coffee date would do the talk. #omegaverse #alphaxomega #MPREG #dungeons #magic #transmigration #powercouple #childraising #beast #nonhumanMC #supersmutBL #misunderstanding

Imsuperberbs20 · LGBT+
4.8
282 Chs

The cannon fodder's revenge (BL)

(Completed) This is the first novel I've ever written, please be nice. “Whoever freed me made a mistake, because I'll only bring death and carnage in my wake.” A mysterious voice proposed: “How about we do it together baby?” A-Xuan spent his entire life fighting to be able to live well since he was an orphan with no one at his side. All he did was work and go to school until he got a well-paying job in a famous high-tech company. Just before he could enjoy the fruit of his hard labor, he was abducted and became a slave to a cannon fodder system CF. From then on started his miserable journey. For over 20 000 years he suffered misfortune after misfortune as he traveled from world to world. Each body he inhabited lived a terrible life until its painful end. Between each world, he only had a few moments in the Locus space before he had to move on until it turned into freedom. A-Xuan studied the interface in his forearm, and then looked at his status in the CF system. He smiled and looked around the stary place. He watched as a shooting star passed in front of him. A-Xuan reached out and destroyed the star in pieces with a vicious smile. Now that he is free, he'll use the CF system as it should've been used. He'll cause immeasurable damage and suffering to anyone who had a hand in the extermination of all the bodies he'll inhabit. A-Xuan reached for the nearest star and disappeared with a malicious smile. Arc 01: Modern Era (15 Chapters)✔ Arc 02: Abo (10 Chapters)✔ Arc 03: Actor (13 Chapters)✔ Arc 04: Vampire (13 Chapters)✔ Arc 05: Interstellar (8 Chapters)✔ Arc 06: Mafia (10 Chapters)✔ Arc 07: Ancient Era (8 Chapters)✔ Arc 08: Witch (13 Chapters)✔ Arc 09: Ger (14 Chapters)✔ Arc 10: Fairy (14 Chapters)✔ Arc 11: Origin (16 Chapters)✔ Arc 12: Apocalypse (10 Chapters)✔ Arc 13: Gods Realm (9 Chapters)✔ *********************************

TheEmpressNing · LGBT+
4.6
153 Chs

Force to protect the Male Lead [BL]

Lucien Blake is a twenty six years old shut in otaku. He live his life reading novels, watching animes, eating and staring at computer all day. One day he went out to buy his favorite chicken lunch box meal at the nearest convenience store. But a robber came in and decided to rob the store. Without knowing why or what for, the robber shot him in the chest before running away.  Can his life as shut in otaku get any worse?    A series of beeps flooded his head, forcing him to wake up. When he open his eyes he found himself in another world very much like his own. Except for one thing. His beloved protagonist from his favorite anime is staring at him face to face. A notif pop into his head saying, [Dear host, find and help the protagonist escape his fate of getting killed. Help him in his mission of eliminating the demons. Points will be added. Failure to do so will result to deduction. Zero points will lead to your death. Good luck.] Lucien was left no choice but to adapt to his life as a mob character, helping the protagonist pave his path into greathood. It was all good at first, if you count off the number of times he has to pick up his butt running away from hideous creatures drooling after his flesh, his life being protected from protagonist halo was awesome.  That is until.... the protagonist pushed him down to bed. _______________________________________________ Updates are on Wednesday and Thursday

phoenixhyperion · LGBT+
4.7
448 Chs