I'm going to write a totally objective opinion, so author-san don't feel offended. I don't know what you have planned but in any case the story has no future or at least you will most certainly abandon it. Why is that? Because the authors of fan fiction self insert often think that it's cool to have OP characters who have everything from the beginning, but it's totally the opposite. You won't have anything to write because your character will solve everything with a snap of the finger. You won't have any relationship to develop because your MC already has what he wants without making any effort. Finally you will stop because you won't have fun writing the story anymore. It's like playing a game with cheats code, it's fun at the beginning but you quickly get bored... Another problem I had with the reading is that you don't use proper punctuation (like using "" for conversation) and a lot of other things but I don't have time to list them. In any case try to take into account what I said my critique is benevolent.
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