You can tell there is a great attempt at trying to build up a deep story in here. There is a lot of focus on lore and the backstory of the characters to make them all seem more real and establish a connection with the reader. The big problem, is that the way the story is being told needs a lot more polishment. There is a lot of repeated words such as "the man opened the door, then he walked through the door, then proceeded to close the door..." over the chapters, when saying things like "the door was opened and he proceeded to walk through it" would have had the same effect. The dialogue also needs some work with everyone talking with too many info dumps to address who they are, where they come from, how they feel, and why they do what they do. It's simply too much information transmitted in a very unnatural way. People will say things like "I know why you think this way, you think this way because this happened and this happened, causing you to do this and that". It's just so weird hearing someone explain to them why they are the way they are. Narration also suffers from that, with any time a new character is introduced we receive more exposition and more info dumps about their backstory before we even get to know them. The story seems fine overall, but the writing quality needs a bit of work. I'm sure more practice and study will help make the author's passion be delivered in the best way possible in the future.
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Thank you for your nice review. I will try to improve myself as much as I can. I will make mistakes as I am writing for the first time, I hope I can present a more enjoyable story in the future.
Is so hard to find actual good reviews these days, thanks man.
Has there been any improvement on what you mentioned above
