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Sayuri_KB
Sayuri_KBLv113yr
2021-06-21 21:09

This fanfic is really good but the problem is that when it is in 3rd POV, it is written as if the MC is the readers. you—>him. you should also put your notes and questions at the end of a chapter.

Minecraft Survival: ASOIAF

HeavenlyMarks
3.2
83 Chs

Liked by 21 people

LIKE
Replies7
HeavenlyMarks
HeavenlyMarksAuthor

Noted thanks

3yr
4
ExodusGaming555
ExodusGaming555Lv6

thats 2nd pov and not 3rd pov lol

3yr
8
AlphonseDarkshield
AlphonseDarkshieldLv6

The story has far too many chuncks that look like Wiki exerps about items that it breaks immersion ruining the story. People should already know about most items you have so a short description about it would suffice, if they don’t know they can search it or ask in the comments. You can add a comment to the paragraph about it if you want but please cut out the unnecessary information.

HeavenlyMarks:Noted thanks
3yr
7
Martin_Pangu
Martin_PanguLv4

very poorly written.

2yr
Paul_Larson_6672
Paul_Larson_6672Lv11

Not a bad add to his weighting for here but if this is practice for real books he did the right thing explaining it but should have condensed the info in my opinion after all a personal world he makes won’t have said wiki readily available

AlphonseDarkshield:The story has far too many chuncks that look like Wiki exerps about items that it breaks immersion ruining the story. People should already know about most items you have so a short description about it would suffice, if they don’t know they can search it or ask in the comments. You can add a comment to the paragraph about it if you want but please cut out the unnecessary information.
1yr
Paul_Larson_6672
Paul_Larson_6672Lv11

How this is meant to be constructive what could be better explain your opinion please no judgement I’m just asking you to be a little more verbose

Martin_Pangu:very poorly written.
1yr
AlphonseDarkshield
AlphonseDarkshieldLv6

Even the.m the descriptions are too long and immersion breaking going into too much detail directly. They should be more show and less tell at times not always long winded descriptions…

Paul_Larson_6672:Not a bad add to his weighting for here but if this is practice for real books he did the right thing explaining it but should have condensed the info in my opinion after all a personal world he makes won’t have said wiki readily available
1yr
Other Reviews
RandomIsGood
RandomIsGoodLv5

good but bad at the same time. The ideas and world is good but the grammar of this is hot garbage and so is the perspective this is written. It's like something I would find on wattpad with it being a written in 2nd person, and makes it feel weird as I'm sure everyone is more used to 1st or 3rd person writing. To summarize, fix the grammar and change to either 1st or 3rd person and you got a really good story

3yr

Pablo099
Pablo099Lv5

first I will be very frank, the construction of the world is very good you have a lot of imagination, second you are writing me a summary not a story, third it hurts the head reading so many letters you are not separating many paragraphs makes it easy to confuse the progress of the novel, fourth, it would have been better that he himself made the team with some secret family volume etc. fifth has a world of resources so it is not impossible to do it also a story must start from the perspective of the protagonist and his surroundings in short, the novel has a very good idea but it is messy, my idea is that you write it by putting together the ideas you have already done but in another perspective

3yr
Lucy_Carla
Lucy_CarlaLv4

you read this fanfic, you feel the idea actualy not bad... but you so immerse in inner monologe.... so you just say whetever you want.... ..

3yr
Harbinger9901
Harbinger9901Lv4

The novel has potential but it is just unreadable. The author writes it as if YOU are the main character when you clearly aren’t. He tries to write is as the Mc is the focus of the story but he just keep typing as if YOU are. Im just going to wait till someone else makes a better version of this novel because lets be honest everyone does it one way or another. Below is not from the novel but this is pretty much how the author writes. “After you go to your bed you just remember something important causing you to get back up.” I dont understand why the author keeps writing like this when it should be written like this. Luke will be a random name for a MC. “After Luke went to his bed he suddenly remembered that he forgot to do something important. Now realizing this, Luke got back up and proceeded to do it.” This was just what came to my mind and i know their are some grammar mistakes. Im pretty disappointed because the Author had a good idea but he just does not know how to write correctly. I can read novels with poor grammar but this is just to wrong? I cant even describe it.

3yr
Mahesvara98
Mahesvara98Lv6

the grammar is terrible,i am left confused most of the time,it's definitely a hard read,but the idea was good,if only the author had better skills in English or had an editor,it's not for everyone that's for sure,good luck to the author and i hope he improves....

3yr
Fates_Bitch
Fates_BitchLv4

the story just dosnt make sense to me and is very confusing hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbhbhhhhhhnnjjjjjhhhhbhnnjhnjhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhgvbvvvvvh

3yr
Sin_of_GREED
Sin_of_GREEDLv14

read about 20chaps could not read anymore it's 30% info dumps ,50% inner Monologue of a dumb mc 15% conversation between characters 5% pov of other characters(their inner monologue) the mc made manga like one piece dragon ball and novels like Percy Jackson in GOT world in 30BC this is more than enough to say how dumb the mc acts advice if u read remember to shut off ur brain before starting reading this

3yr
Donworry
DonworryLv5

idea's great it just feels like I'm reading a wiki page sometimes and through a 5 year time skip I still wasn't sure what the mc was trying to do. Another thing is that I feel like there's alot of irrelevant info and it's also pretty easy to get lost in it (for me) as in I'll have no idea what's happening if I accidentally skip a line or 2. I think it's a good book but it's just not for me

3yr
Thigs_0508
Thigs_0508Lv3

the story idea is very promising, but the grammar is illegible and unplanned-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3yr
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