Review Detail of BansheePanda in The Fat God System
Review detail
The characters are stupid and have no depth. Everyone is less than a cardboard cutout and the way they act isn't believable at all. It makes a decent story with a good premise and world building both difficult and painful to read. I think after a few rounds of editing and reported, this will be something deserving of four or more stars. As it stands now, 3/5 from me. I suggest going back to refine your characters to make them REAL instead of just a blank insert that acts certain ways because plot.
The Fat God System
KangarooCruz
Liked it!
LIKEReplies4
En. My biggest grievance is with the bully. He's very childish and reads as being 'evil' for the sake of it. The teacher and the bully's cronies are bullying this smart kid in their class. And, ok, I get it's a cultivation type world setting and strength matters most, but that doesn't mean people will suddenly regress to acting like stubborn five year olds. Why are they beating him up and even trying to kill him? Even a superficial reason like 'I hate fat people' would be more believable than just because. Dempsey also pushes my buttons. Mostly, it's because he came off as a young -- maybe early twenties -- battle maniac. He didn't seem crazy or anything, just a bit hotheaded and eager for action when he was introduced. And then he comes across as some high up agent with Connections and a level headedness you'd expect from someone much older when he encounters Hugh at the station and does whatever he does in the background to get Hugh's enrollment changed. And then it's almost a complete 180 when all three are fighting. Dempsey acts like a completely insane psychopath, and there really wasn't much evidence of him being that way. The contrast between his mature behavior at the station and the fight scene later is very jarring, and seems like he was only acting that way because of the plot. And then, there's Hugh. I don't think he's stupid, so much as irresolute. He was going to lie low, and then, when he was unexpectedly transferred, he didn't even try to get transferred back or continue to hide his powers. It seemed like he was bullied into revealing himself by Dempsey, and it just made me frustrated. That's not on you, and is just that I don't much like his personality. I can't really articulate well how the characterization could be improved, and don't mean to sound like I'm bashing your writing or anything. Just wanted to point out that you have a great premise and decent world building, but the characters make a lot of it fall flat.
KangarooCruz:Can I ask which character acted like that for you?
