Evergreen_AutumnLv24yr

2020-10-18 22:19

I just finished chapter 1, and the premise is very interesting. I corrected a few word choice mistakes. The first three paragraphs are all past-tense (which is good), but then after that it switches to present tense for a while. There is also still a lot of switching between present-tense and past-tense after this point. Likewise, there are many sentences where the first half of the sentence is one tense, and then the second half of the sentence is another tense. For example: "If they don't see the light soon, death might reach a few more souls before the taste of salvation could ever bless their tongues that spoke out the words of the holy up until this point." (The first half is present-tense, the second half is past-tense.) I would change this to: "If they didn't see the light soon, death might have reached a few more souls before the taste of salvation could ever bless their tongues, which spoke out the words of the holy up until this point." (Now the entire sentence is past-tense. This is also a nondefining clause, so you need a comma after "tongues.") Several examples of using present-tense within the first chapter: Zabal encourages, his tone thundering... (present tense) He is the chief of this tribe, but his value recently has become (present tense) ...because only he can burst lava out of his palm while any other lava controller of lower levels can only (present tense) ...only one who can keep... (present tense) Continuing his ray...Zabal pierces... (present tense) Since no soul is going.... he continues. (present tense) Lastly, I would change the cover art and title. Although people shouldn't judge a book by its cover, everyone still does (sadly). You'll notice that novels with cool art and a very simple name generally get more views. If you want to, you can type "fantasy art lava mage" into google images and there are some good pictures you could use to get more views. Or type "fantasy art infernal." As for the title, it's hard to think of something simple. It's all up to you. Some ideas: "The Infernal Tribe," "Infernal Exodus," or "Tribe of Infernals." (An infernal is a giant flaming rock monster. I know the tribe isn't actually made up of infernals, but I just pictured the 10 foot tall Zabal with veins of lava looking like this picture: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dalf9AkUMAAWkoN.jpg) The word 'infernal' also just sounds good to the imagination. Something that's interesting to note, is that in traditional publishing for hardcover books, publishers will often spend $5,000 to $10,000 to pay a graphic artist to make the perfect cover art for each book. They know that people judge books by their covers. Anyways, it's all up to you. I won't be offended if you decide to keep it the way it is without changing anything. 😛

Calidum Lutum Migration

MisterE05

Not enough ratings

7 Chs