webnovel
AteJanz
AteJanzLv34yr
2020-08-26 17:45

Hello author! I would be dividing my review between positive and negative feedbacks. Let's start first with the positive: -Characters are relatable -World background is good. Like u can feel you're really into their school. -I like the bond between Shio and Karen and with her friends as well. -Story concept is great. -Grammar is also excellent. Now here are my negative feedback. Consider these as tips to improve. -Regarding dialogues, it's really a bit overwhelming for me. There's too much dialogues for me, like in a paragraph all i can read are the characters' dialogues. I suggest you can add the protagonist's thoughts in between so that it won't overwhelm your readers. -Also the construction of dialogues is a little bit redundant. Like the structure goes like "Character A said in this particular tone. Character B said in this particular tone." "Character A said. Character A continued." So with that, i suggest to maybe add body gestures as they say to somehow add flavor in the dialogues. Like "Character A furrowed her eyebrows as she looks at Character B" if u are implying that Character A is confused with what Character B said. Something like that. Searching google about facial reactions in writing will help since it worked for me. -You don't have to put who said this particular dialogue if you already mentioned who have spoken it on the first line. It's just redundant and too much to read. -I already saw some readers pointing these problems out as well. Please listen to them if you want your work to improve by starting to edit the initial chapters. - Chapter one of the story is kinda boring for me. Like it will not really get your readers' attention in an instant. Maybe it's just me, not really wanting to have my first chapter as pure narration only. -Sypnosis is good with the first paragraph, but a little bit too long for me to read the whole sypnosis. -Lack in emotions and facial expressions in characters. -Lack of body gestures as what I've pointed out previously. -Lack in description as well in terms of characters' looks. *** I'm not really an expert writer, but I do hope I can help you in terms of improving your book. I'm just a newbie writer here in Webnovel anyway xD Keep improving, author-chan! ☺️

The Forgotten Memories : SHIO KAIBA

SSKV_R3D
4.5
14 Chs

Liked by 1 people

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Replies1
SSKV_R3D
SSKV_R3DAuthor

Thank you for the honest review! I will surely rewrite some of my chapters once I have a time :)

4yr
Other Reviews
varean
vareanLv2

Your synopsis is beautiful, it got me hooked as I read it. I've only read a couple of chapters and it's interesting. I like how realistic the story made me feel. Though there are a few points I'd like to point out, first would be the dialogues. I think there's just too much, it'll be better to add the character's thoughts because it can help us connect with the main character more. Also, the facial expressions for your dialogues need to change up a bit. I'm not a professional writer but those are just a few points that I and some people think that you should work on. Nevertheless, you've created a wonderful plot. I know you'll keep improving as you write so keep up the good work. Keep updating! Your story is promising.

4yr

RamataMaguiraga
RamataMaguiragaLv3

The book's storyline is developing well in my opinion, but I just felt I as a reader didn't get to see much of the characters thoughts. There's a lot of dialog, I can vouch for that, but I don't feel or understand how the characters feel or think in the different situations. Definitely feel like you can develop the characters stronger! But it's only the begining! I hope to see more of your work! ❤️

4yr
Elise_Aigasaki
Elise_AigasakiLv3

I love how realistic it is that it made me feel as if I'm present in the setting as I read through the lines. The first chapter didn't get me hooked to it, but as I read the following chapters, it piqued my interest and it made me love it. I hope you keep up the good work!

4yr
MrE
MrELv14

great character development characters feel alive descriptions are great writing quality is beyond good updates regular keeps you on the edge love it keep it up

4yr
Volteair
VolteairLv2

This story does a good job of suddenly throwing Shio into this world of chaos, along with the reader as well. There's that gnawing curiosity of what happens next and how everything in this mysterious world functions, and the creatures that inhabit it. There were typos that I noticed often going through, not to mention a repetition of the phrase "Character said with a (BLANK) tone." It definitely needed some switching up, which I am glad to see got changed up in the later chapters, but still was present.

4yr
Ayano_Ann
Ayano_AnnLv2

So one of my favorite things about this book is the mystery! Perfectly customized and with a great note of a thriller👌🏼. I can't wait for the future events and how the story will continue!

4yr
SamsaraWithWords
SamsaraWithWordsLv14

A few chapters in, it starts to kick off. The setting is very interesting, like watching the approach of beautiful thunder clouds in the distance and not knowing whether to run towards or away from them. Nice job author!

4yr
The_Procrastinator
The_ProcrastinatorLv13

Reveal spoiler

4yr
Chuck45Single
Chuck45SingleLv2

I like how the reader gets thrown into the story without any unnecessary explanations! Though I have to admit that the built up is a bit slow for my taste. The plot is super interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing how the book will develop! To the author: Keep working on your craft! Looking forward to future updates.

4yr
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