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WedhusSlayer
WedhusSlayerLv106yr
2019-03-15 21:02

A dark, heavy, heartbreaking opening screen. Seems like this will tell us many things. I like it. Okay, you catch my attention. You have great ideas. I like it Your novel is written well. You did well in choosing the best words for explaining your ideas I hope, we, readers will be given much more trivial detail about the era or culture used by your characters/peoples, so readers will easily digest your story.

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Replies6
PeachyPearl
PeachyPearlAuthor

Thanks for letting me know what you liked and also the things I could work on like the small details.

PeachyPearl
PeachyPearlAuthor

Also continue to read it and point mistakes if made any

WedhusSlayer
WedhusSlayerLv10

You have a good talent in choosing which word to use. This is good, but sometimes I see that you left unexplored potential words untouched. Such this: in chapter 7 : [Xi Jingfei set out to buy some daily needs when she heard street vendors talking] could be explored like this [The morning sun begins to appear on the eastern horizon. The cold mist that hugged the earth since last night began to disperse. Some birds have flown and chirped. The beautiful morning atmosphere came to Xi Jingfei! Just like the morning birds who are hunting for their fortune, some street vendors have opened their stall. They hustle and bustle about offering their goods. Some of them just gossiping with their fellow vendors. The morning freshness greets Xi Jingfei's face when she's out to buy some daily needs. With a good mood, she walks to the street market. Sometimes, she heard street vendors sometimes talking about her.] Well, it's just my selfishness. Please don't think too much. Overall I like your ideas that flow chapter by chapter.

PeachyPearl:Also continue to read it and point mistakes if made any
PeachyPearl
PeachyPearlAuthor

Thanks for sharing your ideas.... But actually I have purposely written it briefly because the feelings and emotional disturbances that she's going through doesn't let her look around about how beautiful the sun has risen and also the twittering of the world. Later when there're happy moments some similar lines will be welcoming the good days. But thanks for letting me learn something new too...

WedhusSlayer
WedhusSlayerLv10

Actually, I am the one who learns a lot from your work. Thanks too

PeachyPearl:Thanks for sharing your ideas.... But actually I have purposely written it briefly because the feelings and emotional disturbances that she's going through doesn't let her look around about how beautiful the sun has risen and also the twittering of the world. Later when there're happy moments some similar lines will be welcoming the good days. But thanks for letting me learn something new too...
PeachyPearl
PeachyPearlAuthor

It's very kind of you to say that

WedhusSlayer:Actually, I am the one who learns a lot from your work. Thanks too
Other Reviews
CailinMatthews
CailinMatthewsLv12

Chryiss
ChryissLv5

Writing: 5 It’s not perfect. There are some minor mistakes, bu they’re not glaring, so overall it’s passable. My biggest qualm would be the use of Name: for speeches. It should be formatted as Name said/shouted/cried/etc. with an comma quotation or vice versa. Or have gestures and expressions in between speech to let the reader know who’s speaking. It also heightens the reading experience. Updates: 5 Fine enough for me. Story: 4 It’s a different type of story, more like a crime drama, so kudos for doing something uncommon. However, while ambitious, it lacks execution. Rather than feeling suspenseful, it felt like everything was out into the open. Adding more mystery, such as not revealing MC’s true family background and discovering it in a more dramatic way, would greatly increase the lacking *******. MC also is a little too open and not cautious by immediately telling her connections with Zhao to Samuel. It doesn’t quite feel consistent with what I expected/was lead to expect of her character. Moving onto... Characters: 3 The MC is atypical still, so that’s a good point of differentiation from female leads. But, like mentioned earlier, it’s not quite there/the strong-smart FL isn’t fully accomplished/convincing. Additionally, the other characters lacked substance. It felt like some human, realistic puzzle piece was missing. With Samuel, we got his backstory, but somehow, it didn’t strike me in any sentimental way. It felt like a tell without an actual show. I think a lot of the story and character inconsistencies can benefit from deeper delving into their histories and emotions as well as their motivations and beliefs in life. MC’s killing felt anti-climatic, it came too soon. While she showed some real, human reaction to killing a person, it made me wonder why? Why is the way she wants to deal with all her suffering? Does she wish a quick end to only run from the authorities the rest of her life? How about bringing the whole issue to light? Making him suffer more? I couldn’t figure out her innermost pain and anger turned into believable action. Maybe we’ll see some of this later, but the killing still felt...too sudden. Lastly, she accepts her new identity pretty easily. From how she dealt with it and encountered people, it felt like this dual identity didn’t make much of a difference in the story, like it could easily be revised without it. World: 4 Details and descriptions of world and settings were sufficient for basic imagination of the surroundings and construction, but total comprehension and immersion wasn’t quite accomplished. Questions like the standing of families and their connections with the sovereign law and authorities as well as even the entertainment industry considering the amount of times MC sang. (I also didn’t see the connection of this subplot/talent of hers into the whole crime drama.) Overall: 4.2 A story with great ambition in its desire for something different and substantial but one that did not quite achieve all the expectations set for itself. It has the makings for a fabulous crime romance drama, but it drags and speeds up in places where it should do the opposite to create the underlying psychological and philosophical claims and power which spur the story forth in believability and thrill. Once all the pieces are strung together convincingly and cohesively, this is a winner.

yunisao
yunisaoLv13
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