Gives no world introduction to such a story other than from the title. Doesn't give a background of Kai before his "transmigration", the purpose of him going into the mall, Plot hole: If Kai was checked through security check when he walked through the entrance, how exactly did the terrorist get a bomb through the building? Was the 'security check' just only for those exiting the mall to see if they had taken some items? In Chapter 1, -Hyperusage of capitalization is unnecessary as there is no emotion that supports this thought. Also, the fact that Kai isn't self-conscious or begins to hide his nakedness in the forest, even if no one is with him, conveys to me that Kai has no such emotion of being naked. The explanation of cofix in parentheses is unnecessary as you have already explained what cofix is already. "Once Kai finished draining the beast, " (Chapter 1), should be "Once Kai drained the beast," because the narrator is talking in the third person past tense, and the words "finishing" and "drained" are both in different tenses. -Why is Kai examining himself again for the second time? Did he not remember that his body was a solid white tone? Also, the second examination of his body should only be limited to 2-3 sentences. The words "pale thin waist" remind me of an anorexic person who has not eaten yet whereas the rest of Kai's body is described to be strong or powerful, contradicting his body type. Describe all physical appearances within 2-3 sentences as most physical appearances should be overly descriptive. "Kai couldn't see his back or his face, but next to him was the creek that could act as a temporary mirror." (Chapter 1), Of course, you can't see your back. Even with a creek with water, it's still hard to do so with the water constantly moving. Need to revise this sentence. -Transitioning from one scene to another is horrible as the cues like "A few hours earlier" doesn't mean anything if the story doesn't say, "the last few hours of his life before resurfaced from his mind." There needs to be better transitioning when changing scenes. The second time when Kai wakes up in the same forest makes no sense as he just merely closes his eyes and forgot what happened in the 'first paragraph of the chapter'. There are a lot of grammar issues including the use of a semicolon, missing commas, word tenses etc. Currently, onomatopeia sounds are written in quotation marks instead of italicizing them. The thoughts are in brackets "[ ]" or "{ }", which should be in single quotation marks. Ex: 'Hmmm, I wonder what happens when I add jelly to my peanut butter sandwich?', Robert thought. The sentence, "However, due to the man's bad aim, he hit Kai's stomach but thought to himself that he will soon bleed out and die so it didn't matter if he hit the heart or another organ." (Chapter 1), is grammatically and logically incorrect, because why would the man with a gun think he will soon be bleeding out? Overall, the first chapter is more of a summary of what is already given to us with the title. The character doesn't show any emotion other than a natural sign that he's not dead and his inability to react to his nakedness.
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XD LoL your such a snob nickpicking on merely the details of writing which aren’t unbearable if you read original light novels and badly translated eastern fantasy. Also so what if the character doesn’t care that he’s naked I wouldn’t care either if I had so much power why would it matter so much as he said he no longer will be weak that is a sign of weakness and lack of intelligence to freak out over little things like yourself (lol;)a and it doesn’t do the plot or the character service to overly focus on it I rather see plot development world building and actually intriguing character development unlike what you probably would like to see some emotional low IQ bastard who is average. You must actually put some thought behind why the character is who he is how he died and what he became (a powerful vampire for Christ sake) As for why we don’t see character background I don’t understand why you expect the author to fit everything you want in the beginning into it if that’s what you want write your own story the Author does manage to fit some background later on but honestly it doesn’t matter because he was a pathetic human back then so theirs no reason to dwell on it too much besides his mother son fan chats about Harry Potter and Twighlight. Don’t be a silly fellow who doesn’t even take a look at the whole picture instead looks at the tiny cracks at the edge of the canvas. If you don’t like him teaming with Voldemort and not being a moral hero that goes on merily being a slave to the “good” simply don’t read the novel and move on it’s like giving a bad review because of the genre go back to reading your dumb typical average protagonist with correctly writing grammar and no plot holes because the story is so ****** and linear that it’s hard to create them.
In my opinion his review says he read only the first ch so how could he have any real grasp on how good this novel is. Also from reading his review i think he is being way to critical of this novels grammar. This is a fan fic most people who right fan fic are trying to work on their English and also tend to be amateurs at righting.
I’ve read up to chapter 10 before dropping it. There is no clear side what the main character is with. Channeling the antagonist’s spirit (Voldemort) should have dire consequences as seen by Professor Quirrell whereas Kai let’s Voldemort’s soul live off of him. What exactly does Voldemort leech on Kai that doesn’t have an effect on Kai. Also, the lack of pronouns in the chapters make the chapters boring as the author just keeps on saying, “Kai did this...” or “Kai did that...” Sentences with repeated beginnings with the lack of pronouns are lack the drive to keep a reader entertained.
funmaxwell:In my opinion his review says he read only the first ch so how could he have any real grasp on how good this novel is. Also from reading his review i think he is being way to critical of this novels grammar. This is a fan fic most people who right fan fic are trying to work on their English and also tend to be amateurs at righting.
So glad to see someone writing a review that's honest. I hate seeing webnovels with really bad editing and bad writing habits and no one wants to address them because they think that if THEY can ignore the errors, then no one should criticize the author for them. It's understandable when an author is just starting out, but that doesn't mean you can't be criticized for it. Usually, if a novel has really bad grammar and technical errors, I let the author know that I am dropping the novel in the comments so they understand why some people may not be reading it as much as when they first started writing, that way they can work on their writing and improve it over time. I do let them know what I liked about the novel so they can focus on the good points; if the characters have really great and unique backstories, or personalities, I'll let them know. If someone doesn't like a novel, that's their opinion and no one should be berated because they don't agree with someone else's opinion. I've had many people get pissed at me because I might leave a less than favorable review, (ok I can be pretty abrasive and mean) and I can't help but think it's ridiculous. I don't like a story that you like, shut up about it and move on. Criticism is how you grow and develop, if everyone told you that you were amazing and great, then you won't feel any need to change and grow. I remember reading a story that was a complete rip off from Naruto and didn't advertise itself as a fan-fic or anything and I was so pissed seeing people praising the author about their work. One: It's not your work, it's fucking Naruto, you just changed the freaking title. And two: It was almost unreadable from the grammatical and technical errors in it. Of course, when I pointed that out I had people jumping all over me telling me that if I wanted to read a good story, then I should just write my own. So I did. Because I guess I'm an asshole. I will point out that for italics, I do not know how to do italics on this platform and every time I try to copy and paste my chapters from my word to this platform, it removes any colored text and italics, so I'm not sure if that's the writers fault. I could just be really bad at using this platform though, so I don't know. Small mistakes can sometimes still make it through to your story, even after you edit and proofread, that happens to me all the time. Usually, people will point it out on more popular stories, so those mistakes can be fixed. I think this author is probably just unaware of the general rules or technical "rights" of writing, and that's where a lot of their mistakes come from. I haven't read the story, was reading the reviews on it because I like reading reviews of stories, and I just wanted to throw in some change when I saw this review. (My two cents Haha...that was my bad attempt at a joke....)
This is annoying. Gradually, more and more power levels are getting revealed, and it doesn't actually make sense. Also, its plain annoying. I also don't understand most of the powers. Also, only in the first few chapters did the MC ever interact with HP characters. I legit read 50 chs of bs vampires. Author, I wasted, like, 3 hours on this with the hopes that you would finally turn back to actual HP things. It may be set in the harry potter world, but later, there's practically nothing about the wizarding world there... This is my review
Oi dont put it on me....
NihilisticBeauty:This is annoying. Gradually, more and more power levels are getting revealed, and it doesn't actually make sense. Also, its plain annoying. I also don't understand most of the powers. Also, only in the first few chapters did the MC ever interact with HP characters. I legit read 50 chs of bs vampires. Author, I wasted, like, 3 hours on this with the hopes that you would finally turn back to actual HP things. It may be set in the harry potter world, but later, there's practically nothing about the wizarding world there... This is my review
LOL
