24. Frustrations and Conversations

AN: Sorry about the second huge delay in writing this fic. Still Here was only supposed to take two weeks to have posted, and instead it took over two months... Updates will be regular from now on. I also wanted to mention that originally I had mapped out the three seasons as 3months:6:3, but have realized that doesn't leave enough for the third season. So, I am making it 3:5:4 (I take issue with 2:5:5) and will make those changes soon, I just wanted to start posting first. Assume now that it's nearing the end of February.

Just a quick recap, remember that the end of the last chapter had Meredith walking away from Susan and towards Derek (both literally and symbolically). It should signify a shift in the MerDer relationship for her. She's making choices about her commitment and starting to truly see her future.

Derek slowed as he approached his patient's room, his two new roommates on his heels, and steeled himself for the assault he had been subjected to for three days now. The high-powered divorce attorney had come in for brain mapping, in an effort to find a surgical 'fix' for her seizure disorder, which was interfering with her career. However, it had been three long days filled with snarky comments, offhand remarks and glares...and not one seizure.

He took a breath, determined to get his check over with as quickly and painless as possible, and entered the room, a fake smile plastered to his face. "Good morning, Miss Graver."

Decked out in a black SmartCap with red leads, briefcase and laptop strewn in front of her, his patient glanced up at him. "Oh really, good morning? You haven't let me sleep in three nights and this ridiculous hat is destroying my self-esteem and I still haven't had a seizure..."

Derek turned his back to the patient, his eyes sweeping over the EEG waves in the monitor before him for far longer than necessary in an attempt to avoid further confrontation. He sighed when she kept on talking.

"...But, sure, we'll go with 'good morning' if it makes you feel better about yourself."

Derek ignored her statements and glanced at his interns. Izzy was unsuccessfully trying to bite back a smile and George looked taken aback. "Miss Graver is here for brain mapping, doctor Stevens," he prompted.

Izzy jumped in immediately, expertly explaining the purpose of the SmartCap and Miss Graver's reason for being kept in the hospital.

"Excellent," Derek replied absently, his attention still on the monitor as opposed to his patient. He was almost disheartened that everything was normal. Every EEG wave from ever electrode was well within normal range, short spiky beta waves appearing across the screen on ever line.

"Excellent, except for the fact that it's not working," Miss Graver cut in. "And I'm loosing billable hours." She paused. "Unless any of you are looking to get out of a bad marriage? Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes?" He finally turned to face her, only to realize his mistake. "No," he corrected.

"Are you sure."

He pasted another fake smile to his face and nodded. "I've already done that."

She clicked her tongue. "Dr. Shepherd, I'm hurt that I'm finding this out now. Who'd you use? I could have gotten you more."

He bit back a smirk. "I wasn't looking for anything, just to get out."

"Seriously, tell me, who'd you use?"

Derek shook his head. "I'm sorry, Miss Graver, but we're not here to discuss me."

"Fine; but promise to call me the next time."

He almost laughed at her tenacity. "There won't be a next time."

"Everyone thinks that," she countered.

"Yes, but I know it."

"Good luck to you, then. Just keep my name in mind." She turned to Izzy and George. "What about you two? Either of you need a good divorce attorney?"

They both shook their heads and Derek quickly ushered them out of the room. He stopped when they were around the corner, out of view, and breathed a sigh of relief at having got that conversation over with for the day. He could only hope the woman would seize soon. "Okay, guys," he said, turning to his interns. "I need you to make her seize."

"Make her seize? How do we make someone seize?" Izzy questioned.

"Do your research, get creative."

"But...if all the normal methods have failed, what are we supposed to do?" George asked gently.

"Use a strobe light. Get her drunk. Hang her from the ceiling upside-down and hit her with a whiffle-ball bat for all I care." He knew he was being irrational. And the looks on his roommate's faced told him they completely agreed. But Derek just needed to get this particular patient out of his mornings. He was a morning person. He enjoyed getting up and greeting his days, especially now that each day began with waking up next to a particular dirty-blond intern. Derek liked looking forward to his day. He did not enjoy waking up with the knowledge that he would have to face this woman. It was ruining his mornings.

"Just make her seize," he repeated, somewhat calmer. "Because if she doesn't seize, I don't know where to operate, and if I don't know where to operate, I can't get this woman out of my life. And this woman is not how I like to start my mornings." He nodded and abruptly left them in the hall to their task for the day.

000

Derek was in a mood. He was irritable, short-tempered and not his usual friendly self. And he knew it. His annoying non-seizing epileptic patient was grating his nerves, but she wasn't the problem. He could handle patients far worse than her without blinking an eye when he needed. But the last few days had tried his patience.

Three days ago, he and Meredith had had off together. He had been called in for an emergency before noon, only to have his very injured accident victim code after nearly five hours on the table. Two days ago, he had lost a patient during a tumour resection. True, the procedure had been difficult, and the patient had known he had low odds going in, but Derek had been optimistic. The previous day he had been called to the pit four times. Three had been no where near surgical. The fourth had arrested before he could get the patient out of the exam room.

Meredith was working a thirty hour shift, and Derek hadn't seen her since the previous morning; hadn't even passed her in the hall. The hospital was busier than usual, keeping the doctors and nurses on their toes. And Richard had, apparently, doubled his efforts to disapprove of Derek's relationship. He could still feel his blood boil at the conversation that had taken place the previous day.

Derek swore to himself as he stepped off the elevator and stepped out onto the surgical floor. The man who hadn't been wearing a seatbelt and had driven his car head on into a truck wouldn't have had much of a chance in surgery, but Derek hadn't even gotten the opportunity to try and fix any of the damage.

He strode towards the nurses' station. "Can I have Miss Graver's chart, please?"

The kindly, older nurse offered him a gentle smile. "Of course, Doctor Shepherd." She turned and rifled through the organized stack before turning back to him. "Here you go."

"Thanks," Derek muttered, forcing himself to be polite, ever though all he wanted to do was yell and punch the desk. It wasn't anyone's fault that his patient had died, especially not the kind nurse before him. He flipped open the chart and expertly swept his eyes over the notes from the latest check. "Damn it," he swore again. She still hadn't seized.

"We'll be sure and page you when she does, Doctor Shepherd."

He shifted his eyes towards the nurse. They had been instructed to page him in the event of a seizure. He nodded. "I know. I just hoped..." He sighed heavily. "I just hoped I had missed the page or something. I just lost a patient...another patient. And I just needed some good news, something..." Something I can fix.

She smiled reassuringly and swept her hand through her greying hair before responding. "It's tough some times," she spoke softly, with the tone of someone who really did know what she was talking about. "I've been working in this field for over thirty years, and it always hurts to lose a patient. You just need to think of the ones you save, and remember that the bad times are part of the job. It will get better again."

Derek let out a breath and nodded, thankful for the reminder. He was still getting used to working in a hospital and dealing with so much unknown after several years in private practice. Sure, he had still lost patients, but his patients had been comprised mostly of long-suffering individuals with histories and scans and labs. He hadn't had to deal with the victims coming out of ambulances and needing his skilful hands so immediately. It was a job he loved...on the good days.

"I...you're absolutely right..." He glanced at her name tag, "Louise. Thanks for the reminder." He smirked. "And if you could remind me again when I need it, that would be great."

Louise smiled back. "You're very welcome, doctor Shepherd, I'll be sure to do so."

"Thanks." He handed her back the chart and turned to head for his office, only to be intercepted coming off the elevator.

"Derek!" Richard called as Derek stepped foot onto the office floor. "I was just looking for you, but you weren't in your office."

He nodded. "I was in the pit."

"Anything surgical?"

"Would have been if he hadn't haemorrhaged and crashed before I could get him to an OR."

Richard shook his head. "I'm sorry."

Derek shrugged. "Me too, but it's part of the job, right?"

"Yes, it is."

"So, what did you need?"

"Ah, right..." He handed Derek a small file. "I have a patient coming in next Monday, and I'm going to need a consult. He's got a large tumour invading his lower spine."

Derek furrowed his brow. It was Friday now, and assuming Richard meant ten days from then... "I'm sorry, Chief, but I'm off next Monday."

"Oh, I didn't realize. I haven't checked the schedule yet. It's still over a week away, though, I'm sure you can rearrange and be off another day."

Derek fought the urge to roll his eyes. Yes, Chief, I'll just rearrange my life around your schedule. Instead he shook his head. "No can do, I'll out of the state, not back until Tuesday evening. I can come and consult Wednesday morning," he offered.

"I'd really like the get this done as quickly as possible."

"Why don't you have the patient come in this week? I'm working until Friday."

"I have a busy schedule, and I've already made the appointment."

"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, Richard. I booked the time off a month ago. Everything was fine then, and I expect that time off to be honoured. I've already booked flights."

"Where are you going, again?"

"New York. I'm taking Mer home to meet my family."

Richard's expression shifted, his eyes hardening and his lips setting into a thin line. "Don't you think it's a little soon for that?"

"It's been eight months and..." Derek trailed off as he realized the turn their talk had taken. "And I don't have to explain my personal choices to you."

"You do if she's an intern in my hospital."

"I absolutely do not. It's not written anywhere that our relationship is against protocol. I love her and I'm taking her to meet my family. We're professional at work, and we both booked time off for this. And you and I both know that we wouldn't be having this discussion if I were Burke."

"It's not the same."

Derek felt his anger from earlier bubble up inside. He had to fight to keep his voice down. "How can you say that? He's and attending, I'm an attending. In fact, we're both department heads. Yang's and intern, Mer's an intern. We're both professional at work. Hell, Mer and I are more professional. It's no secret to anyone that Yang scrubs in with Burke more than anyone else-"

"This isn't about them, Derek."

"Then what is it about exactly? What is it you have against my relationship?"

"How about the fact that you kept it quiet for so long? I had to find out by catching the two of you together."

"You make it sound like you caught us... You saw us talking in the hall. She had just told me about her mother." Something changed in Richard's expression and Derek latched onto it. "Is that it? Is it that she's Ellis Grey's daughter? Because that has nothing to do with how I feel about her. As I said, it took her months to tell me about Ellis' illness."

"It's not about Ellis," Richard snapped. "You still kept a secret from me. Preston had the decency to come to me; that's how much he values his relationship."

Derek fumed. Richard was lashing out at him for the most ridiculous reasons. "I would have come to you eventually," he countered. "Mer and I were taking our time. We hadn't made anything official yet. Burke went to you after having a relationship for almost as long as me, which, by the way, he began after knowing Yang was an intern, while Mer and I met before either of us started working here. And, he went to you after having gotten his intern pregnant IN the hospital. Mer and I have never even..." Derek trailed off as he felt his voice climbing. He was saying too much and he needed to stop before he began yelling.

Richard blinked several times. Maybe the older man hadn't ever stopped to think about the father of the ectopic fetus that had burst Cristina Yang's fallopian tube so many months before. Derek breathed deeply, and continued in a calmer voice. "Do not, ever, presume to tell me that I don't value my relationship," he stated harshly. "I love that woman more than anything. We have a real relationship. I'm sorry that we're looked down on at times, but I assure you that we are professional at work and in this hospital, and only carry out our relationship on our own time. I love her," he repeated, "And I plan to spend the rest of my life with her if she'll let me. So, you better learn to just accept us, cause we're not going anywhere. And you need to get off this disapproving...thing, or at least be fair about it and treat Burke the same as me, because this is starting to get old."

His old mentor regarded him for several moments before giving him a curt nod. "Fine. Have a look at the file; I'll be expecting a consult first thing Wednesday morning."

Derek sighed as he sifted through the file Richard had given him the previous day. At the very least the tumour had only infiltrated the spine in one place, and the scans looked promising. The patient had a very good chance of coming out of the surgery without any paralysis. It would be a straight-forward procedure. He just wasn't looking forward to working with Richard.

There was some other reason he was disapproving of Derek's relationship. The first few months Derek had been in Seattle, before news of his relationship had reached the Chief, Richard had treated him just like he treated Burke; so Derek knew it wasn't that his opinion of him had changed. It was his relationship that had changed the way Richard looked at him. And yes, it was disheartening to have his old mentor be so unsupportive of something so important, but Derek valued his relationship far above it. He just wanted to know why it was a problem, and Burke and Yang were not.

Derek shut the folder, banging his hand down on his desk harder than necessary. He was grumpy and irritable and confused, and he just wanted the day to be over. There was nothing on the board for him today, so he busied himself with paperwork until there was a light knock at his door.

"Come in," he called, off handed, wondering fleetingly if Richard had decided to come back for round two. No, he thought bitterly to himself, Richard would page him to his office for that, to get the upper hand. Derek scoffed quietly, knowing he was being unreasonable, but unable to stop the thoughts.

The door opened and he knew who it was without looking up. A calm washed over him, keeping his dour mood at bay. He looked up from his chart and smiled. "Hey."

"Hey," she responded, her voice deep and scratchy. Clearly she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. She returned his smile and set a small pile of covered plates down on the corner of his desk.

He wasted no time in standing and taking her into his arms. Her breathing hitched in surprised and there was a delay before she returned the gesture, her small hands drifting around his middle. Eventually she sighed against him, her head resting against his shoulder. Derek buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too," she mumbled against him.

"I missed you last night." Normally on nights where she was at the hospital and he was not, Derek would lie awake for a while, before rolling to her side of the bed and clutching her pillow in his arms. And then he would sleep. But the previous night he had tossed and turned for hours. "Did you get any sleep?"

She groaned and shook her head against him. "Not even a wink. Seriously, I lay down once and got paged as soon as I closed my eyes. And that was it. I was so freaking busy all night."

"I'm sorry." He reluctantly pulled his arms away and pressed his lips against her forehead.

Meredith offered him a tired smile and tilted her head. "What about you? You look stressed?"

He emitted a wry laugh and shook his head. "I'm in a horrible mood," he admitted. "But it's better now that I get to see you."

Her smile grew at his words, the corners of her lips twitching upwards toward her tired eyes. "I'm glad I can help with that. I even brought food... I wasn't sure if you would have gotten anything yet or not."

Derek glanced at his wall clock and was surprised to see it was a little after twelve. "No, I didn't even realize the time, so food is very welcome."

"Good." She plunked herself down into the chair opposite his desk, and he followed suit, collapsing into his computer chair, across from her. "What's got you in a bad mood?" She questioned as she passed him the plate holding the salad and a plastic fork.

He nodded his thanks and bit back a smirk when she placed a plate of fries near the center of the desk, knowing to expect his wandering fingers. "I'm just having a horrible couple of days. I lost another patient yesterday."

Meredith nodded sadly. "Yeah, I heard about that, I'm sorry."

"Yeah..." He sighed. "And then my surgery got cancelled this morning. And I had an argument with Richard yesterday. And, most importantly, I haven't seen you since yesterday morning."

She smiled at his last statement, and he could detect a bit more colour in her cheeks. "What did you and the Chief argue about?"

"He asked me to consult on a patient next Monday, and when I reminded him I had off, and why, it turned into a discussion on our relationship."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Is there...a problem?"

His heart constricted at the vulnerability in her tone. She had been much more confident in him, and them, since her father had shown up in the hospital and she and Derek had talked about families. This took him by surprise. "Of course there isn't a problem," he snapped. "Richard's just being an ass."

She flinched at his harsh words and averted her eyes, turning instead to her sandwich.

Derek sighed and mentally berated himself. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh and had to remind himself that it wasn't right to take his mood out on the one person who was making it any better. And she was too tired to fight back for herself. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm just...so frustrated with that man."

"It's fine," she stated, her voice flat as she glanced at him and then back down.

"No, it's not. That wasn't fair." He took a breath. She was already nervous enough about the next weekend; she didn't need anything to add to her stress. "The only problem is that Richard disapproves of my choices, but not of Burke's and I'm getting fed up with the double standard."

This time when her eyes flickered up from her meal, they remained trained on his. "What did he say?"

"I kind of demanded he explain why he's acting this way and he gave me some bullshit explanation that Burke values his relationship more because he went to Richard and told him and I didn't."

She nodded slowly as she took in the explanation. "Well, I guess the way he sees it..."

"But that's exactly the problem. He doesn't look at it any other way. After I operated on him, he picked Burke to be interim Chief to punish me for our relationship because he had seen us talking in the hall. Meanwhile, Burke was involved in exactly the same type of relationship, probably with Cristina in an on-call room during Richard's surgery even. And I get that at the time he didn't see it, but he refuses to see it in retrospect. Seriously, what if he had walked in on them in an on-call room? Would I have been the favourite then?" Derek shook his head. "I didn't get involved with you after I knew you were an intern. And I didn't, and still don't, carry out our relationship in on-call rooms. And I didn't...get you pregnant in the first, what, month or two on your internship. Seriously! What do I have to do to at least be seen as equal with the man who did all of that?"

Meredith unsuccessfully tried to bite back a smile. "You really just need to rant, don't you?"

Derek felt his anger deflate at her words and he laughed, long and loud, until tears pooled behind his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did." He exhaled and shook his head. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

She shrugged. "It's okay. I get bitchy some times too."

He grumbled. "I wouldn't call it bitchy."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, moody, whatever."

He chortled. "I just want to know what makes me so different from Burke. I thought I touched on something with your mother, but-"

"What about my mother?"

"Oh, I just explained that when he saw us in the hall that you had just told me about your mother and he..." Derek trailed off.

"He what?"

"I'm not sure how to explain it. He just...sort of... His expression changed. And I thought maybe he thought I was with you because of who your mother was."

Her brow furrowed. "What would that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, and in retrospect, it was stupid, but I assured him anyway. It's obviously something else, he just looked...strange."

She shrugged. "Maybe that's disapproval for my side, that I'm marring her reputation or something. They did used to work together."

"Yeah, but he doesn't do the disapproving thing with you."

"No, I guess you're right."

Derek took a bite of his salad and hesitated briefly. "I, uh... Is it common knowledge that Burke was the father – would have been the father – of Cristina's baby?"

Meredith pursed her lips for a moment. "I assume so. I guess people would have figured it out in retrospect."

"Good; because I may have used that in my argument with him yesterday."

"May have?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, definitely did. He looked taken aback, like he hadn't known."

She shrugged. "Well, it's like you said about the retrospect thing. It's not like he couldn't have figured it out."

"Can you imagine if it was us, then I really would have been in the dog house..." He trailed off as he realized what he had said, and how nonchalant and lightly he had said it. Inwardly, he cursed himself for being so tactless. He was tired and 'moody' and was lagging behind on the whole thinking-before-speaking thing.

Meredith had frozen mid chew on a bite of her sandwich, her lower jaw just crooked to one side. She met his eyes, but hers wobbled ever so slightly.

"I, uh...sorry," he said again. "I'm guessing I can't just take that back?"

She swallowed hard and opened her mouth, but no words came out and she closed it again.

Derek sighed. "I wasn't trying to... I was just... I didn't think. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," she finally spoke. "I just... I never even..." She shook her head. "I can't even imagine if that had been us. It would have been..."

"Horrible and awkward?" Derek supplied. "Not only would you have been the intern sleeping with a married attending, but you would have been an intern who got pregnant by her married attending," he said lightly.

She cracked a smile and he knew he had made the right choice in trying to lighten the mood. "Yeah, that would have sucked."

He laughed and reached for her hand across the desk. "We still would have gotten through it," he said confidently.

"You think?" She took his hand.

He nodded. "I know."

She hesitated.

"What?"

"It's just...Cristina was going to...even if the tube hadn't burst, she wasn't going to..."

"Oh," Derek stammered as realization washed over him. "I didn't realize."

She nodded. "Yeah, and don't tell anyone. I think I'm the only one who knows. She told me because she needed a contact person for...after. And...you and I weren't exactly talking when she told me..."

He squeezed her hand to reassure her that it didn't matter that he hadn't known. "Was Burke...supportive?" He asked carefully.

She sighed. "He didn't know. She didn't tell him, and then when I had her close to telling him, he...broke up with her. And after a week or two, her tube burst and it didn't matter anymore."

"Was he angry?"

"I...don't know. I don't think so. I hope not; Cristina didn't deserve it if he was."

There was something in her tone that rubbed him the wrong way. "Would you have told me?" He had already brought up the topic once, he may as well follow through on what he was thinking now.

Her sharp intake on breath left him on edge. "I...don't know," she admitted, her eyes once again falling away from his. "We were...and then...I..." She sighed. "She told me at Joe's, right after Addison showed up. And I don't know if I could have told you after I found out you were married. Although you would have found out eventually, I guess. And even if I had told you, and everything else worked out the same as it did this way I..."

"You what?" He prompted gently, squeezing her hand and willing her eyes back to his.

She continued to look away. "I don't think I would have been able to trust that you left Addison because you wanted to."

"I don't understand."

Her eyes reluctantly flicked back to his. They both knew they understood each other better this way. So much was said through their looks. "I just... You're a good guy, and I know you'd do the right thing, Derek. So, if I told you that I was pregnant and you left your wife and everything, I... I think I would always have wondered what you really wanted."

"But I chose you."

"I know that. But if things had been different at the beginning..."

He nodded as understanding washed over him. "You're doing the hindsight thing."

She cracked a smile. "The hindsight looking into a different foresight thing."

He laughed. "Whatever." He paused. "You said I would have found out eventually, even if you hadn't told me?"

She nodded. "Well, assuming a normal pregnancy where my tube didn't burst, then obviously you would have figured it out eventually. You are a doctor, even if you can be a bit dense sometimes..."

"I am not dense..." He trailed off as he realized what she was really saying to him, and the humour disappeared from his tone. "You...are you saying that you wouldn't have...gotten rid of it?"

Her forehead creased and her eyes left his again. "I don't think I would be able to...get rid of..." She shook her head. "I know the medicine, and I know that early it's not...but I just don't think I would ever be able to go through with it, you know?" Her eyes hesitantly returned to his.

He nodded. "I get it," he said quickly. "And..." He trailed off and sighed, knowing this was hardly the time or place for the conversation they were having, but he needed to plough through anyway. "Just know that if this is ever an issue between us that I will support your choice, whatever it is, and that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. If you ever get...pregnant, then I'm taking full responsibility. And I will be right beside you for the whole thing."

Her eyes flickered briefly, but stayed on his. "Okay."

He smiled. "Okay."

Her lips curled upwards as she returned his gesture. "Okay," she repeated.

He laughed. "Good."

"Good," she echoed and they went back to eating their lunch, remaining in comfortable silence for several moments. "Derek?"

"Mmm-hmm?" He looked up.

"One of the other things you said when you were ranting...about how we didn't start this after you knew I was an intern?"

"What about it?"

"I just...what if I had told you at the bar?"

Derek smirked. "It wouldn't have made a different to me."

"Really?"

He nodded. "I was hooked the moment I saw you. I doubt there was anything you could have said to make me change my mind."

She smiled in full and her tired eyes sparkled. "So, really, you and Burke could have been on equal footing with that..."

"Yeah, but the Chief doesn't need to know that..."

AN: This was running long, so the aftermath of this convo, in Mer's POV, will be the next chapter. Lok for it in a couple days. I just want to thank everyone who is still reading after such a delay. I hope the interest is still there. I never meant to leave it, but I'm so in love with the relationship they are building in this universe that I didn't want to give it only half my time. Now I can focus on it fully and give them the development they deserve.

Thanks for reading!