25. Being Sure

AN: I had a few comments that mentioned the time frame and the whole Richard/Ellis thing, so I thought I'd address both here to make sure everyone is on the same wave length. We are nearing the end of season two. And Meredith hasn't yet figured it out that it was Richard who had the affair with her mother. She's not keeping it from Derek, she just doesn't know yet. Hope this helps!

Meredith's mind was full when she made her way back down to the cardiac floor to meet her resident in Denny Duquette's room. It had been an interesting morning, dodging Bailey's comments and trying to discreetly make light of Izzy's tendency to 'drop by' the room at every opportunity. She had laughed it off when, weeks ago, Alex had told her that Izzy had ditched him for a heart patient.

Now she wasn't so sure.

It had been a busy few weeks for Meredith. She had been spending all her spare time with Derek; getting used to their new living arrangements, planning a weekend trip to New York and freaking out about spending said weekend in New York. Needless to say, she hadn't given a thought to going to her roommate to confirm Alex's accusations. But there was obviously something more going on between Izzy and Denny than regular patient-doctor interactions

Now she would have to keep covering for Izzy with their resident, keep freaking out about the following weekend, and mull over her lunch-time conversation with Derek. She hadn't expected to find him grumpy and irritable when she had ordered lunch and headed for his office. And she certainly hadn't expected their conversation to delve as deep as it had after finding him in such a mood. He was normally such a bright and cheerful person, and they rarely, if ever, talked like they had today.

They talked regularly, and about a lot of things. She had told him much about her life as the daughter of Ellis Grey. He had told her about losing his father as a child. She had told him about the loneliness of being an only child. He had told her about the 'joys' of having four sisters. They had discussed college and med-school and their reasons for becoming surgeons. He had told her about Addison. She had told him about the voice in her head that had kept her from making any commitments before. They told each other about their days. And they talked lightly about their future together.

They exchanged 'I love yous' daily.

But the only 'what if' they had ever discussed before today regarded what their lives would be like had Derek made the wrong decision, leaving him with Addison, and Meredith alone. And it had been months since that had come up between them. Thanksgiving was the last time Meredith could distinctly remember mulling over the idea. Derek had convinced her he was happy, and she had let it go.

The other 'what ifs,' however, had never breached their conversations, or Meredith's thoughts. They didn't discuss how their relationship would have progressed had they known that first night they would be working together. And they had certainly never talked about pregnancy and children; past, current or future.

Meredith had accepted that Derek was planning on sticking around. She had accepted that they would eventually move out of her mother's house and into one of their own. She had accepted that he was the kind of man who wanted a marriage; he wanted the official commitment and the wedding rings and the titles. And Meredith was okay with that; in fact, she was more than okay with that. She was looking forward to it...eventually. One day they would get married. She wasn't ready now, but she would be one day. And he was willing to wait. He loved her; she had accepted that. He would be her family; she had accepted that. His family would be her family; she had mostly accepted that. He promised her that she would be better able to accept that after the following weekend.

One day, she and Derek would be family and they would build a life together; she had accepted that.

Or, at least, she thought she had.

As an idea, everything was fine. In small, eventual steps, everything was fine. She was fine with the idea of moving out together, the idea of getting married one day, the idea of flying across the country to meet his family the following weekend. But the idea of kids... That made it real. That was a huge jump.

Suddenly all of the steps she had taken in the past eight months came rushing back to her. And suddenly they all seemed so big. She had never been one to make any of these steps before, and suddenly, here she was; in less than a year she had found the man and basically promised her life to him.

Meredith swallowed hard as she slowed her pace, her mind working in overload, despite her exhaustion. She hadn't slept in over thirty hours and her legs were beginning to feel like dead-weights, but her brain had no problem in having her thoughts running in circles at top speed.

Could eight months be long enough to know this was the man she would spend the rest of her life with? Hell, was two months enough; because that was when she had known? Could she really do this? Could she really have the normal, happy life that all of the other girls in school had dreamed of? Could she be happy? Could she keep him happy? Could she really handle all of the things that came with a 'real' relationship? Could she handle his family? Would he expect her to give up hers? Could she handle being a wife one day? Could she handle living with only him? Could she handle one day having kids? Could she be a good mother after all the damage Ellis had inflicted on her? Could she-

"Grey!"

Meredith snapped her attention across the hall to find her resident regarding her with narrowed eyes. She flinched as she realized she had been caught standing outside Denny's room, staring into space. That must make her look wonderfully competent, she thought with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey. I was distracted...thinking...but I'm done now."

Bailey's lip twitched ever so subtly. "You're done thinking?"

Meredith sucked in a harsh breath and bit back a nervous laugh. "No. No, sorry, that's not what I meant. I'm done being distracted. I promise." She met her resident's eyes evenly and held her breath, waiting to be sent to the pit or to do scut.

"Okay," the older woman said simply after several seconds. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again."

"I..uh, okay," Meredith stammered, taken aback. If she wasn't to be sent away, she had at least expected a lecture. Bailey always lectured. She counted her blessings and followed her resident into the patient room, ready to switch Denny Duquette over to a portable L-VAD.

000

Hours later, after the new L-VAD was successfully in place and her resident had left in search of the Chief, Meredith finally found herself alone with her roommate's...something. Before today, she hadn't interacted with the older man other than during rounds. He was a friendly, charming man, and she could understand exactly why Izzy was attracted to him, regardless of how deep that attraction was seated.

She turned her attention to Denny, smiling warmly at his joy over his new found ability to leave his bed and his insistence that she thank Dr. Bailey again for him. He really was a wonderful man who didn't deserve what life was throwing him. With a sigh, Meredith steered the subject away from medicine.

"You want to talk about Izzy," he stated.

"Yeah..." Meredith responded, keeping her voice even and light. "It's just...there are strict rules about dating patients."

He nodded. "Do you think, if I went to Izzy and told her that, that this is bad for her career, that she would do anything to change?"

Meredith felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He definitely knew her roommate well. "No."

Again, he nodded. "Look, I was healthy until I wasn't. And in the past few years, I've had a lot of time to think about my life, and you know what? The things I remember the best are the things that I shouldn't have been doing in the first place."

Meredith allowed herself to smile in full. "I can attest to that."

He returned her smile and paused before continuing, and a sense of understanding passed between them. "I never expected to meet someone like her, here of all places," he finally admitted. "And I know it's not good for her career, and if I thought I could live without her and that I could get her to walk away, I would do that for her."

"But you can't."

"Exactly."

She nodded. "Yeah...I can attest to that, too."

"So I've heard."

"Oh," Meredith stammered. "Izzy told you about...?"

"Yeah, she's told me a lot."

"I didn't expect to meet someone like him either."

"And you can't live without him or get him to walk away."

"That's pretty much it."

"So, you understand what I'm doing with Izzy?"

"Yeah, I guess I do. I..." She trailed off in hesitation.

"What?"

"It's just...you seem so sure."

"I am."

"How? I mean, not to be rude or anything, but after only knowing her for a little while, how can you be so certain?" He was very certain, but he was also confident, charming and light hearted, just like Derek. Maybe he could shed some light on her own situation.

He pursed his lips thoughtfully, understanding that she wasn't questioning his motives, only looking for a personal answer. "I just am," he finally told her. "Some things in life shouldn't be questioned. Sometimes you just know in your heart that something is right."

"Thanks."

"Not a problem."

Meredith stood. "I really should get going. For the record, I'm on your side, you and Izzy, but just keep in mind that Dr. Bailey is very critical of these things, so if I were you, I'd be careful of what I say in front of her."

"Duly noted, thanks."

000

There was movement and noise around her, pulling her from her deep sleep. She fought to stay in the comforting recess of sleep, but something was moving underneath her. "Mmnnnhhh," she mumbled into her pillow.

"It's just me," came Derek's familiar voice, soft and loving, as something light came down over top of her. "Go back to sleep." His voice was still soft, but closer this time. She felt his breath against her face before his lips found her cheek. Warmth washed over her and she sighed in contentment, not even having realized she had been cold before.

Sleep was just pulling her back down when the mattress dipped behind her. Derek shuffled closer and wrapped his arm over her waist. She gripped loosely at his fingers and pushed her back into his chest.

"I love you," he whispered into the darkness between them.

"Mmm, you too," she said back. Sleep wasn't pulling as strongly any more. She vaguely wondered how late it was. When her marathon shift had finally ended, he had been in an emergency surgery, so she had ridden home with Izzy. She hadn't talked to him since their lunch together. It had still been light out when she had collapsed onto her bed, but a glance towards the window told her it was dark now.

After a few moments of consolidating her strength, Meredith turned in his arms. By his shallow breathing, she knew he was still awake. She blinked groggily three times before his tired face came into view, slightly distorted by the darkness and shadows.

He offered her a gentle smile. "Sorry I woke you. It was so cold in here, and you were asleep on top of the blankets. I thought I could get you under them without waking you."

Meredith smiled back. "'s okay. If you hadn't woken me, I wouldn't be able to do this until morning." She pulled closer and pressed her lips against his.

He was smiling brightly when she pulled back. "Good point."

She giggled. "How's your patient."

"Good. Stable. I finally saved one."

"Good for you. Do you feel better now?"

He nodded against his pillow. "I do. And I'm sorry again for snapping at you."

"I wasn't trying to-"

"I know," he cut her off. "I just wanted to say it again."

"Okay. And it's okay. I'm sure it'll happen a lot, from both of us."

He nodded again. "It's part of the deal."

"Hmm," she murmured thoughtfully, her thoughts drifting back to earlier that day. "Derek, do you ever think we're moving too fast?"

His arm tightened around her. "Do you think we are?"

She smirked. "I asked you first."

"No, not really," he relented. "Things feel good, and not rushed. You?"

"I didn't...until today. And...I don't really know what happened, but suddenly instead of seeing each step, all I can see is I met you eight months ago and we're already planning a life together." Meredith spoke quietly and was grateful for the darkness, as she could avoid his knowing gaze.

"A lot's happened in the last eight months, more than a normal eight months."

"That is true," she said with a wry laugh.

He sighed. "Does it scare you?"

"A little," she admitted.

"Are you uncomfortable with where we are?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Really," she said honestly.

"So," he continued lightly. "You like where we are, but are scared by how we got here?"

Meredith grumbled. "I never said I was being rational. I was awake for two days."

Derek laughed. "For the record, I like where we are too. And I don't know what to say to make the fear go away."

She sighed heavily. "I guess I'm just doing the 'Meredith thing' and freaking out for no reason. It just...kind of startled me, you know?"

"I think so. Thanks for telling me. I want to know things, even if they're irrational and induced by lack of sleep."

Meredith giggled at his playful tone and swatted at his chest. "Well, thanks for being here to listen."

He pulled close to kiss her. "I'll always be here to listen."

"Good." She turned back over in his arms and pressed her back snug against his chest.

His arm tightened around her and he was so close to her that she could feel every exhalation against the back of her neck.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" His voice was groggy.

"How are you so sure about us?"

"I just am."

"But how do you know?"

He paused for a long moment and she began to think he had fallen asleep. She laced her fingers through his and closed her eyes.

"I just know," he whispered into her hair, causing her eyes to spring open in surprise. "I can't explain it, but I can feel it in my heart. This is right."

"Thanks." She closed her eyes again and spent several moments being lulled by his even breaths. "Derek?" She spoke again.

"Mmm?"

"Me too."

His grip tightened around her, the only indication that he had processed what she had said, and his body relaxed against her as he drifted off to sleep. She smiled and let herself join him.

AN: Sorry for the delay. I had second thoughts about some plots I was setting up, and had to make some changes to this chapter. Keep in mind that Meredith is still Meredith. This is, and will always be, a happy MerDer storyline, but being with Derek doesn't magically fix everything for Meredith. She still has some issues to work through and she's still allowed to be apprehensive.

Thanks for reading!