Conflicted Heart

Putting one foot ahead of the other carefully, Jay Yi increased the distance between Hwan and herself. She needed to get away. 

 Hwan was still on the ground where he had sunk to kneel with her, his large hands still enveloping her petite one. 

 "Go back to your Palace, Your Majesty. Marry well, get some concubines, and sire a lot of children. I shall celebrate them from the bottom of my heart. Please continue to be the benevolent King you are. Joseon awaits you." She had tugged at her hand that he still gripped, bringing it to his forehead, shaking his head. 

She could feel the salty moistness on her skin, but it did not register. She felt - nothing. 

"NO! No! -" The wind carried away Hwan's wrenching whispers before they could reach her. 

"I will always be the first order of people under your feet. I know you will never let your Master down." Her voice had been dispassionate, as if it came from someone else. "But please do not come looking for me ever again." She shook her hand free. His hands fell by his side. 

In the distance, she heard Tae Kang rush to Hwan. She heard a bird call. In her subconscious periphery, she saw several silhouetted figures materialize. 

"Your Majesty, please return to the Palace. I will see her home safely. Please." She could hear the voice of Tae Kang pleading with Hwan, growing faint as the stretch of the road between them became longer.

She knew Tae Kang followed her, but she kept her head down, focused on getting inside the sanctuary of her house. 

Hwan's house. Could she ever escape him? 

Tae Kang had quietly caught up with her. They walked the rest of the way in silence. 

"Eunuch Go?" Tae Kang uttered his first words as they reached her gate. "Is it all right if I step in for a moment and get a drink of water?"

Jay Yi paused and then nodded. Gesturing him to follow her, she went in.

Tae Kang was waiting under the apricot tree when she returned with the tumbler.

"Did you know Eunuch Go, His Majesty had me hunt down the exact kind of tree you wanted and plant it in this courtyard? He described each detail in the house you desired and personally came to ensure everything would be precisely per your wishes."

"I did not ask him for this house."

"I know. Knowing what you had in your heart was enough for him to do it for you." Tae Kang persisted.

"Royal Guardian, please have your drink of water and leave."

"What Your Majesty did today was wrong," Tae Kang said softly.

"He is the King of Joseon. He can say and do anything he likes to any female in Joseon that takes his fancy; do you not know that Royal Guardian?" Jay Yi said contemptuously.

"That is not true, Eunuch Go! When did he ever treat you like that? He always extended you the same respect that he would to a man!"

"He made sure to change that tonight," Jay Yi said bitterly, unable to stop the tears spilling over.

"I am not excusing his behaviour tonight, but think for a moment. If someone like me who grew up in a village knows Joseon nobility's expectations of their noblewomen, you being a Yangban, how can you not know? Is it surprising that His Majesty might have had difficulty seeing you with another man? Which red-blooded man likes seeing his woman sitting next to another man? Especially if that other man tries to behave as if he has authority over his woman. And that ma - Master Mun held your hand too," Tae Kang made a gesture of pulling a hand towards him.

"So now it is my fault?" Jay Yi was incensed, her unrestrained fury storming back. The gall of this man, coming all the way to heap salt on her injury. "I am not his woman! He had me followed, spied on me at the Inn; he accused me of..of - please leave!"

"He did not do any of it!" Tae Kang almost stomped his feet. 

"I no longer want to listen to your arguments favouring him!"

"You blamed him for assuming the worst, but are you not doing the same? How could he know you would be at the Inn for him to spy on you? Are you aware of how often he has been to that place in hopes you might be there? Do you know how long he waited for you tonight in hopes you would show up? He was so happy tonight when you did!"

"Is that why he followed me, had his men follow me? What stopped him from joining us at the Inn?" 

"Jung Ga-ram gets stressed out with him around, and with Master Mun there, it could have blown his cover." Tae Kang stepped closer to her. "His Majesty never had you followed. Yes, he did want to ensure your safety, especially if you ventured out at night. He supervised the training of each bodyguard assigned to you. Having someone close to you at all times was not even his idea; he only wanted some exceptionally trained guards posted at certain points. I admit that was my mistake. When he first learned I had you followed, he was angry. He specifically asked us not to interfere with anything that you did. In all these months, he has never asked who you meet, where you go, or what you do." 

If he had asked, he would have known everything about Mun Jeon long ago - the investigator's voice inside Jay Yi's head reasoned traitorously. 

"Can you deny he still knows most of what I do daily?"

Tae Kang looked down. "I tell him the bare minimum; he does not ask. I do it because it is the only thing that brings a smile to his face!"

Jay Yi looked away, swallowing. She did not want to hear any of this. She didn't!

"He followed you tonight because he hoped to meet you away from there. At your villa? I don't know; it all went wrong after -" Tae Kang paused. "I think you should know that without knowing the kind of bond you share with His Majesty, Master Mun said some very cruel things to him."

"Master Mun thought His Majesty was a thug, so why is that surprising?" Jay Yi dismissed it derisively.

Tae Kang shook his head. "Master Mun has figured out His Majesty is Scholar Park."

Startled, Jay Yi almost dropped the water tumbler in her hand. "What?"

"He also figured out the men you fought with in the alley were your bodyguards."

Jay Yi gasped.

"He accused His Majesty of....some unspeakable things and threatened him too." Tae Kang gripped the hilt of his sword tighter. "With any other King, he might have lost his head just for saying what he did."

That bastard thinks he will save you from me and yourself, too! 

Hwan's voice echoed in her head. Jay Yi felt overwhelmed, as if her brain was shutting down. 

"He was not angry when he left the Inn after you; I am certain of that," Tae Kang reflected thoughtfully.

"That's because His Majesty did not realize Master Mun knew I was a woman until Mun Jeon told him."

Tae Kang shook his head, uncertain. "I think he knew, Eunuch Go."

"And how would he know that?"

"I do not know, but I think he became angry only when Master Mun pulled your hand, and he was not surprised when Master Mun revealed he was aware you were Lady Min."

"Think? Don't overthink; it will stress your brain," Jay Yi said whapishly.

"There is a reason I do not like you." Tae Kang came back tartly.

"Royal Guardian, for the last time, I do not want to know., nor do I care." Try as she might, Jay Yi could not forgive Hwan for the hurt he caused her, irrespective of what his motivations had been. "Please leave before the list of people who think I am easy becomes longer," Jay Yi could not keep the bitterness out of her voice. 

"Eunuch Go, I know you do not like me much either, but please believe me, he never suspected or spied on you. I don't know what came over him tonight," Tae Kang paused, his face a cloud of dumbfounded confusion he typically wore around Jay Yi, but this time the recipient, surprisingly, was Hwan, "but please believe me, he did not think of you that way before Mun Jeon accused him of those nasty things. And you must know His Majesty sometimes says things he does not mean in anger." She had never heard Tae Kang beseech anyone in this manner, not even back when Hwan had asked him not to return to the Palace after Tae San's presence at the Palace was revealed. 

Jay Yi suddenly felt a hysterical laughter bursting out from her. Was this Tae Kang standing before her, making lucid arguments instead of mocking her feelings or berating her? 

This must be what having a younger brother must feel like - the thought came to her mind unbidden from nowhere. 

Tae Sang stepped forward and bent his head, "It's not my place to ask that you forgive him. However, please think back to who he is and not judge him just by the error of judgement he made today."

To her astonishment, Tae Kang bowed. 

And then he left without drinking a drop of water, leaving Jay Yi feeling completely out of depth. 

Although she cried herself to sleep in hopelessness, her last thoughts before drifting off to a fitful slumber were of a despondent Hwan kneeling in shame and agony, and she cried some more, not because she was angry but because she wanted to soothe his pain.

Two days later, Ga-ram came home springing with a package. 

"Aashi! Royal Guardian came today! Your Majesty has sent it for you."

"Keep it on my table. I will check it later."

Ga ram mouth fell open. She put a palm across Jay Yi's forehead. "Are you feeling all right today?"

Ga ram had cooed like a mother hen for the last two days as Jay Yi lay on her bed, her legs laden and her insides empty. For the first time she had moved in, she did not go to the sunny portico or open her Eastern window. 

"Yes, I am fine."

"Aashi, you did not eat!" Ga-ram looked at the untouched tray of food she had laid for her in the morning.

"I fell asleep. I will eat now."

Snatching the tray away, Ga-ram replaced it with piping hot food she deftly put together in minutes and then stood on her head until Jay Yi poured it down her throat into her stomach, which summarily threatened to reject it.

Eyeing the box well into midnight, Jay Yi told herself she would not open it.

She would not. She would not!

She lost the battle. 

A wooden name tag sat inside the box, accompanied by a letter written in Hwan's flawless art-like handwriting:

 'The tag belonged to a man named Min Hae Lee. He vanished abroad on a ship three years ago. Rumour is he is somewhere in the West. Please use it to show the guards when you are out disguised.

 I do not have the face to ask forgiveness from you, but can you please find it in your heart not to hate me?

 I shall still hold you to your promise not to endanger yourself further.'

Jay Yi crumpled the paper and threw it across the room. What right did he have to worry about her now? Dropping the tag in a chest, she slammed the drawer shut and dragged herself to bed.

Two hours later, she retrieved the crumpled letter, ironed it with her hands, folded it, and slid it under her pillow. 

Masculine voices disrupted the tranquil morning as Jay Yi finished dusting the table in the often locked room overlooking the courtyard. She had thrown herself into cleaning the entire house to keep her treacherous mind from wandering to the fateful night with Hwan a week ago.

She peeped out to see her two young court maids speaking with a man dressed in a reasonably fashionable brown hanbok. 

Tae Kang. Jay Yi sighed. What was he doing here now? 

Unaware they had an audience, the trio was busy exchanging pleasantries.

"How do you like it here?" Tae Kang asked in a gentle voice.

"Our Mistress is most gracious, Royal Guardian."

"She even teaches us Hangul, and she also is teaching us how to fi -"

The shorter girl jabbed her sister in the ribs. 

Jay Yi smiled. The two girls had been a part of the ex-Queen's retinue as Court ladies. Most of her servants were dismissed, and a few were imprisoned for failing to report their suspicions about the Queen and her Uncle. These two young girls had been from Byeokcheon, and Hwan had sent them to Jay Yi instead. Intelligent and quick-witted, both sisters were fast learners. Jay Yi had taken them under her wings, and teaching them self-defence had been cathartic. 

"We also do not have to work once the sun goes to sleep," the younger one chirped.

"And what about Master Mun?"

"We do not see him much, as he travels often. And we have to retire to bed early." The girls had learned the routine well. She could not see it, but she knew Tae Kang smiled. 

She withdrew from the window. 

Soon enough, she was squinting at Tae Kang after telling the girls to work on the embroidery that Ga-ram had started teaching them on one of Jay-Yi's dresses.

"His Majesty has sent tangerines and some special sweets from the Royal kitchen."

Jay Yi scoffed. 

"I have lived well enough without them for many months and do not need them now. Please take them back."

"I cannot do that. I am only the messenger."

"If you do not, I will haul them to the Palace gate and sit there creating a scene until I get thrown into jail. Seeing how I seem to be breaking all the moral codes of Joseon, I might end up in the eyes of some government official who might consider it his duty to bring order to this unruly Yangban woman by making her his kisaeng, but it's a chance I am willing to take."

Tae Kang's face lost colour. 

"Do you ever think before spouting nonsense?" 

Jay Yi stared him down without compunction. 

"It's an order from His Majesty," Tae Kang was as close to sulking as possible for him, in his full regalia of Royal Guardian, without looking like a kid about to throw the tantrum of his life. 

This time, he was back with a letter in an envelope from the Royal Court. This was the third letter in the last twenty-five days. The first letter had come through Ga-ram, the second delivered by a messenger. She had ignored both, consigning them to the fire right in front of those delivering them. 

Jay Yi could spy some women from her nosy neighbourhood standing outside the gate, peeping at the small parade of three impressive Royal guards complete with their horses, trying very hard not to look too obvious about their nosiness. 

Jay Yi's temper soared through the roof, or in this case, shot to the sky, leaving fumes behind. 

"Can you please stop coming here?" Jay Yi adjusted the darned head-skirt around her face. "This is ridiculous!" she hissed.

Loudly, "I apologize. My brother is not home, but I shall pass the message to him." Jay Yi made no move to accept the letter from Tae Kang's hand.

"I am leaving the envelope here." Tae Kang walked to the stairs.

"I will burn it," Jay Yi said, loud enough for his ears.

"You will defy a Royal order? I can arrest you!"

"Paddles, sticks, jail time, banishing to a place where Yeongnam Road does not lead, reduce me to a slave, make me a kisaeng, or," Jay Yi swallowed, looking away for a brief moment, "force me to be his Concubine - ask His Majesty to take his pick."

She presented Tae Kang with an extravagant bow, then spoiled the effect by glaring at him with eyes that could pulverize rocks. 

She was running. She ran and ran. She launched herself at the dark figure, only to be locked into an immobile embrace. She looked up at Hwan's face, his deep, dark, ebony eyes a mirror of pride, indulgence, and amusement, blending in with the unmistakable look of passion as he held her stunned form. Her disbelief turned into a wild ecstasy as she realized it was Hwan and not a fantasy. She was standing flush against him, and the world seemed to stop. "You dare hit the Sovereign of this nation?" He whispered, breathing little whirlpools of fire across her cheek. 

She slapped off the covers to her waist, but the heat seeped under her skin, giving her no respite. 

The pits in the ground were not getting much larger, but Hwan kept shovelling. "To change their minds, I must prove my intentions first."

"You are right, Your Highness. You show your heart with actions, not with words."

Jay Yi kicked off the cover some more, twisting her perspiring body restlessly, her head trying to find traction on the pillow. 

He was not angry when he left the Inn after you; I am certain of that.

Jay Yi sat up, her body clammy with sweat, her dreams saturated with images of Hwan that refused to recede. 

Palace

" What? What did you say? She said what?"

Hwan looked with consternation at the splattered ink on the now-ruined paper as Tae Kang narrated the failure of yet another overture from Hwan to reach out to Jay Yi, each time the rebuke more stinging than the previous one. 

"Did you not tell her I could have you arrested for not enforcing the Royal order?" 

Shifting uneasily on his feet, Tae Kang focussed his painfully uncomfortable eyes on a random point on Hwan's desk.

"She said that His Majesty might have a lot of f-flaws as a man, but he is the most magnanimous King Joseon has ever seen, so if he decides to give a punishment, it will be fair." 

Hwan was truly vexed. He tossed his quill in exasperation. 

"How has she been?"

"She does not look good, Your Majesty. She has not been outsie of the house for almost two months now."

Is that what he did to his free-spirited, warm hearted woman?

His blood still ran cold when he thought of how he had last seen her. She was cold as a corpse, her voice as distant as if it came from a grave, yet all that came out of her mouth were wishes for him to succeed. He had looked at her one last time, clinging to hope, praying for a miracle, and expecting rage, but her eyes had been vacant. In all the times they had been together, he had seen love, anger, mischief, despair, passion, even coldness in those expressive mahogany eyes, but he had never seen - Nothing.

What if she truly never forgave him?