Chapter 8

New Year's Eve was just around the corner. The days seemed to fly by until the morning of the thirty-first came. Our days were filled with crafts and games, we didn't even have time to worry about a new year. We even had a session of music therapy which included singing carols with the beat of bells. 

After breakfast on the thirty-first, we made paper lanterns. I made mine out of orange construction paper. It had a few flaws such as a corner being crinkled and uneven edges, but I was proud of it. 

Lunch that day was ham and green beans with applesauce and vanilla pudding. It didn't taste as good as Grandma's, of course, but it passed my critique. Food here was better than it was at the first impatient facility. We even had a choice if we wanted the main meal or an alternative.

After lunch was our free time. We played rummy and the staff played music. Josh must have been in our room because he didn't pester the staff to play some Tyler, the Creator.

 I loved how everyone was their own unique person. We all had different tastes in music, different talents and hobbies, but there was also so much we had in common. For one, we were all just grateful for music, even though it was the most cringe-worthy thing the staff could find. We also enjoyed card games and coloring pages; some of us were better than others, of course, but in a place like this, it was all we had to do. Most of all, we were all at our lowest, stripped of our dignity and pride, clothed in sweatpants and baggy shirts with ugly lace-less shoes. Noone judged each other, we were all too involved in our journey and our fight to survive. 

"What are you smiling about?" Beck asked, a hand suddenly waving in front of my face. I flinched and jerked back, jogged back into reality. 

"Sorry," she quickly apologized. (Beck, if you ever see this, I have no idea what your pronouns are. I never asked!) 

I shook my head, bothered by my reaction. "It's fine."

"Okay, well, I'm sorry. It's your turn, by the way." 

I looked down to see an ace of hearts lying on the discard pile, easy points. I took it up and ended the round by laying out a set of aces I had been collecting. 

"Shoot," Beck cursed. "I knew that wasn't going to end well."

"Still want to count up points?" I asked. 

Beck nodded. "Let's see how badly I lost." 

I won with over a hundred points, which didn't surprise me; I had a good hand from the start anyway. 

"Another round?" She asked, collecting the neon cards.

"Sure," was always my response. 

She shuffled the cards and bridged them without a problem. 

We played a few more rounds before gym was announced. 

"Who's going?" Ryan inquired louder than needed. He motioned for us to line up at the door. 

I glanced at Beck. "Going?" I questioned.

She shook her head. "Not my thing."

I shrugged my shoulders before turning and lining up with Evee and a sleepy Josh. 

We walked single file with Ryan leading and Charbelle behind. We passed through two sets of locked doors, and piled into the elevator. 

"Can I press the button?" Evee asked. 

Ryan nodded while Charbelle remained stone-faced, keeping an attentive eye on our group of seven.

Once on the basement level, we followed a narrow, white corridor to a locked door. Inside was a gymnasium about five thousand square feet with fabric-lined walls. The ceiling was extremely high, maybe twenty-five feet in height, and the wooden floor had basketball markings on it with one hoop on each end of it. There were various balls stacked in the corner to our left. 

Josh was the first to claim a basketball, so me and Olivia joined him. Two other boys asked to play with us, so we gladly accepted. Ryan was the last member to join, completing our group. We threw Ryan and a boy named Kale together with Olivia as a team, while me, Josh, and a boy named Psi defended. 

Let me tell you this, for as tall and confident as Ryan was, he played a terrible game. I bet you Olivia could have shot better if she hadn't run from the ball every time. Kale basically carried their team, though. We switched to offense on the half court and let Ryan, Kale, and Olivia defend after fifteen minutes of "aggressive" play. The most aggressive thing was probably Kale's language, though.

Ryan ended the game by accidently smashing Psi's glasses at an attempt to shoot a three-pointer. 

"I'm so sorry," Ryan apologized, helping Psi find the missing lense. 

"I think I see it," Olivia piped up, bending over to pick up the piece off the gym floor. 

Psi took the piece from her and attempted to push the lense back onto the wire frame. 

"Do you care if I see that?" Ryan asked. "Just for safety purposes." 

Handing over the two pieces, Psi mumbled something under his breath. 

"Like I said, it's my job to keep you safe," Ryan repeated. "I have to see if there's any sharp edges." 

"Understood," Psi corrected. 

"Appreciate that, Psi. None got in your eye, right?" Ryan inquired. 

"Nah, all good here." 

"Alright. Why don't we head back to the…" Ryan's radio interrupted, someone yelled over the intercom, but I didn't quite hear what they said. 

"What did they say?" Kale asked. 

Ryan shook his head. "Probably not important. You five can put all the equipment back in the corner. Then we'll head up."

Noone moved for a second. 

"Alright, you heard the man. Let's clean up," Kale was naturally a leader and jumped on the opportunity. 

We wandered around the court and put everything back where it belonged. Evee and the new girl had been bumping a volleyball but stopped when our game dispersed. Now, we all lined up to be escorted back to our pods. 

That's when Ryan established one last rule. "When we get back to the pods, I need everyone to go directly to their rooms." 

Josh glanced behind at me with a worried look. "Do you know what happened?" He whispered. 

I shook my head with confusion. "Do you?" 

"I don't know either," was Josh's response. 

"Does everyone understand?" Ryan inquired firmly.

We all nodded and various words of agreement arose from the small group. 

We walked up in silence. No one asked to press the elevator button, and no one dared ask what was happening. Something was definitely wrong, though. We all knew that was certain. 

As we passed through the doors into our pod, only one other staff member was at the desk. 

"Everyone to your room," Charbelle instructed.

Me and Josh's room was on the other side of the pod so we silently made our way across the wide area. All the doors were shut except one. 

"That's Beck's room," I whispered to Josh as we passed through our doorway. Josh shut the door behind us. 

I walked over to my bed and sat cross-legged on my new blanket. 

"Maybe she's in therapy?" Josh suggested. 

"All the therapists left for the day, didn't they?" I presumed. 

"I don't know," he answered. 

I just shook my head and leaned over to grab my book from the desk. 

"I bet you it's nothing," Josh reassured me. I just didn't know what to think. 

I opened my book to the page I had left open, but had no interest in reading. 

After a few minutes of distracted reading and going over the same page twice, I finally laid my book forcefully back on my desk. A big sigh escaped my lips. I thought Josh would say something, but silence was the only thing that followed. 

I took a playing card off my desk and ran it over my wrist. After a dozen or so tries, a mark formed. I don't know how it worked, but playing cards were my favorite for more reasons than the obvious. I did it several more times, content with the pain. It burned from the friction, visibly agitated. I loved the feeling, the mark, the pain. It felt so right. I deserved it after all. I had heard of some kids sneaking salt in. I never tried it, but apparently if you put salt on your skin and then ice, it'll burn the skin. 

"Josh," I asked, suddenly curious what else would work. "Do you have any salt?" 

"I'm trying to quit so I gave it to Beck." 

I know what you're thinking, shouldn't I be worried for Beck? Fuck, no! Self-harming was the best coping skill in a place like this. Everyone had marks, it was just considered normal. 

So many things could be used for our benefit: pretzels, puzzle pieces, crayons even. I never figured out how, but I remember Grayson showing off marks from a crayon. Like how did he manage that? 

I made a few more marks with my playing card, blood staining the edges. 

I laid back on my bed with my hands laid across my eyes. My anxiety was spiked, but I tried my best to ignore it. Worst-case scenarios crossed my mind and all I could do was lay there in uncomfortable silence. 

Time passed, but I couldn't tell you how much. After a little while, a light knock sounded against the shut door. 

"Come in," I called. 

The door opened slightly, and a poof of frizzy hair followed by the face of Omar peeped through the crevice. Staff must have changed since we came back from gym, since I didn't remember him from this morning. 

"You're free to come out of your rooms if you'd like," he informed us. He had dark skin with kind brown eyes set close on his face. 

"Got it," I replied. 

He gave us a soft smile before politely closing the door behind him. 

I glanced over to see Josh settling back under the covers. 

"You're not going to come out?"

"Not right now," he mumbled, pulling the thin white blanket around his shoulders. 

I reluctantly went out to be with Beck, not sure why Josh didn't want to interact. 

Surprisingly, Beck was nowhere to be seen. I peeped in her room after surveying the group, but she wasn't there either. What if something had happened? 

I saw Finch sitting alone, so I went and sat beside them on the plastic chairs. 

"Do you know where Beck is?" I asked. 

Finch turned to me with wide eyes. Their circular glasses slid down just a fraction of an inch. 

"What?" I questioned. 

"Didn't you hear?" Finch whispered, leaning closer to me. 

"What, no, tell me," I insisted, progressively getting more worried. I fidgeted with the hem of my sweatshirt, pulling at one of the loose threads. 

Finch leaned in and kept their voice low. "She hung herself. They took her out unconscious on a stretcher." 

"What?" I exclaimed. "But how?" 

"Shh," Finch glanced around nervously. 

"Sorry," I whispered timidly. 

Finch gave one final look around before continuing. "Joey, her roommate, woke up from napping and she was just hanging there." 

"Everyone gather for group," one of the staff announced. 

I gave my attention back to Finch. "How'd she do it?" 

Evee took a seat on my right side, clutching a stuffed chicken.

"She took her sheet and slid it between the wall and the plastic that's nailed over the lights." Finch kept their voice low. 

"Hopefully, she's okay, right?" That was Beck we were talking about. She was so chill and easy-going. There was no way she would have done something like that without telling me. 

Finch shrugged, "We'll see."

The lights flickered, scaring the hell out of me; fate making itself known. 

I looked around, but no one else seemed alarmed. Finch was listening to the group leader explain the activity for the night. Evee was in her own world, fiddling with her stuffed animal, while Josh was nowhere to be seen. I wondered if he was still in our room. 

Allison, one of the main leaders, was now writing on the whiteboard. From what I had picked up, we were doing a group on self-care. 

I wasn't in the mood to participate so I made my way to my room. Omar gave me a weird look as I passed him. 

"Where are you headed to? Group just started," he commented. 

I pushed past him and entered my room. 

The covers on Josh's bed were pulled back revealing the white sheet beneath. 

Instant panic hit me at once. "Josh?" I called. I didn't remember seeing him come out.

A muffled voice emerged from the bathroom. 

"Josh? Are you okay?" Was he lying unconscious on the tile floor? I knocked on the wall beside the magnetic door. 

"I'm good, Kayla. Give me a sec," was the response. 

My fear subsided. Everything's okay. I told myself. Everything is okay, I repeated one more time. I took a deep breath before climbing onto my bed. 

The Styrofoam door, held to the wall with magnets, was pushed forward, and Josh emerged.

"All good?" he asked, slowly walking to the desk on his side of the room. 

I faked a smile. "Yeah." I leaned off the side of my bed and grabbed my book from my desk, losing my balance in the process. 

"Oof," I groaned as I plummeted sideways onto the floor, hitting my head on the desk. 

Hysterical laughing erupted from my right. "You couldn't just get up and walk," Josh mocked. 

"I didn't think that would happen,"I confessed, laying stunned on the wood floor. I didn't make any effort to get up; I was too busy laughing at myself. 

"I did that to myself the other day, though, so no judgment," he reassured. "Do you need help up?"

I shook my head, pushing myself off the ground with my hands, while slowly getting my legs under me. If I had a concussion or something like that, it would have to be my dumbest injury yet. Worse than my freshman-year fail when I fell off the bench during our first game and sprained my wrist.

I stood tall with minimal dizziness, things just slightly fuzzy. The lights seemed to consume the room and everything was overly bright. I tried to steady myself by clutching my desk. After a second or two of haze, the room slowly became clearer. 

"All good?"Josh asked. 

I nodded. "I'm good." Then it clicked again… Beck. My moment of delusion faded in an instant. 

Josh must have seen my playful expression collapse. "What's wrong?" He inquired. 

"Beck hung herself."

"What the fuck. No way. How? When?" Josh's smile fell.

 Saying it out loud made it a million times more real. 

I looked up at the light. It was covered by a thick plastic tightly nailed over the bulb. "She somehow strung a sheet through the light cover," I explained. I grabbed my sheet and jumped up on my bed. 

"What are you doing?" Josh jumped up from his chair with outstretched arms. He froze, as curious as I was, and watched, half filled with horror, half amused. 

"I just want to see." I tried to thread the thin sheet between the plastic, but as much as I tried, the fabric wouldn't go through. It was just nailed too tightly. Next, I used my overgrown fingernail and tried to unscrew it, but it held fast. I tried one more time with the opposite screw, but ended up breaking my nail. 

"Get anywhere?" Josh asked, now at the side of the bed. 

A knock on the door ended the experiment. I quickly fell to my knees and tried to cram the sheet beside the mattress and the wall. 

Josh had already made it back to his bed and now sat on the edge as the door opened. A staff I didn't recognize stepped in, holding a clipboard. 

"All good? He asked. 

"Definitely." Josh replied. "Just talking."

The staff nodded, his fade highlighting his European features. 

"Fifteen minute checks I'm assuming?" I asked sarcastically. 

I saw Josh glare at me from the corner of his eye. 

The staff member just nodded. 

"Josh?" He asked, looking from me to him. 

"Yeah. And that's Kayla." He pointed to me. 

The guy nodded, jotting something down on his clipboard. 

I glanced to the left, hoping the sheet wasn't in his line of view. I flexed my fingers, revealing sweating palms and clenched muscles. I saw the fresh stripes on my arm and immediately moved it behind my back. 

He slowly steps out, making a wide arc with his body and moving with caution. 

As the door closed, Josh let out a long breath, before turning to me. "Did you have to be so rude?"

I shrugged precariously. "The real question is how Beck got the sheet between the plastic and the light bulb." I smirked at him before grabbing the sheet and trying again. 

"It still won't budge," I complained.

Josh just sighed. "Maybe it's better off we don't figure this out."

With defeat, I collapsed onto the bed. "Oh, how I wish I wasn't here," I mumbled, staring up at the light. 

"Don't we all," Josh muttered. 

The next day I woke up unfortunately, still exhausted from my overwhelming thoughts. My neck was kinked and my wrist hurt but who knows why. Must have slept on it wrong or something. 

I laid there contemplating my day, Beck still on my mind. I couldn't imagine being here without a friend like her. Who else was gonna help me write detailed suicide stories and coax me to eat when I was down. But in all the anguish, one thought stayed on my mind. Why didn't Beck tell me? 

I guess some people can stay in your heart forever but not in your life. 

It was still dark out, and a light rain pattered on the window. Our door was open, a sliver of light illuminated Josh's exposed body. His covers were piled on the floor along with his pillow and a sock. 

It would have been funny if I wasn't in such a dark mood. Some days you just wake up and know it's going to be a rough day. 

I crawled from my cozy bed to the desk, sitting cross-legged on the wood. Pressing my face onto the cold glass brought relief to my body, sending spikes of energy through my system. My breath fogged on the glass so I ran my finger over the smudge. I drew a smiley face, but it didn't feel right. With a silent sigh, I half-heartedly wiped the picture away. 

I sat in silence listening to the rain and watching the drops race each other down the window. I heard staff talking in the main room, as well as someone coughing. Josh stirred, slinging his arm off the side of the bed. 

I wondered what He was up to right now. Was He sleeping or maybe He was up, working on His model airplane because He couldn't sleep. I imagined Him peeking into my room, wondering when I'd come home. I honestly wasn't sure when I'd be able to go home, but hopefully it'd be soon. I had been here for a month and a half, but I couldn't tell you the exact number. Everything had been a blur; my suicide attempt and the knife incident were all foreign ideas in my brain. Was that even me? 

Laughter erupted from the main room; I just hoped they didn't wake Josh up. 

Headlights turned into the parking lot outside, flashing a bright light onto the side of the building. I wondered who was coming at this time of night, or morning, I don't know. Was it the next shift? What time even was it? 

Another round of laughter arose from beyond the paper-thin wall. I wondered what they were talking about. 

Josh stirred again, this time rolling from his side to his back. The collar of his shirt was stretched around his shoulder, showing off the white binder he wore underneath. I looked down at my own bulk, wishing I had the courage to ask my parents for a binder. I never really talked about how much I hated my body, but every time I looked in the mirror, it was clear I was born in the wrong body. I wasn't a girl, that much was known. But was I a boy? I didn't think so. I wondered if there was something between a boy and girl. I may have been born with feminine parts, but I didn't really feel like a "she." 

Footsteps approached my door, followed by the creaking of the door swinging wider. 

"Kayla?" A female asked. 

I nodded, but didn't feel like turning to face her. I hated that name. 

"Everything okay?" She inquired, stepping further into my room. 

"I'm good," I rasped, surprised by the way my voice sounded. 

The lady started saying something, but stopped. "Just let me know if you need anything," she decided, footsteps receding from the room. 

I waited for the door to close, but never heard it latch. I cursed under my breath, before crawling off the desk to my bed. I just wanted my body to be enclosed in darkness, just like my messed-up mind was. 

I wasn't Kayla anymore, I was some monster that took her over. "Her?" I knew some of the other teens went by they/them, and that kind of felt like me. Was I a they/them? 

But Kayla sounded so feminine, what other name would fit me? 

I sighed, rolling onto my side. I was exhausted but found it so hard to fall asleep. 

"God," I whispered, " If you're there…" My voice trailed off. I felt foolish talking to thin air. 

"Don't waste your breath," Josh muttered. "He turned his back on us a long time ago." 

I popped my head up, but Josh was facing the wall. I wasn't sure how long he'd been awake for. 

But he was right. If there was anyone up there… they had deserted us long ago. I knew that for sure.