Chapter 53

I found them sleeping on the ground, and his face bore the faint mark of my slap. He was lying faced up, and little Sam was on his chest like a baby turtle. My heart squeezed at the sight.

Maybe his vision of being her dad is not so crazy after all. He is amazing with her, and he gives me some relief from having to take care of her all on my own.

The guilt of how she will grow up being teased about not having a father bothers me, but letting this boy be her father terrifies me more because she is not his blood, and he may wake up one day without these fatherly feelings.

How will she feel then? Will she resent me for providing a temporal father for her or denying her one now?

I sat by his leg, lifted them to my lap, and massaged his tensed feet softly, paying attention to his ankles.

"Debs?" His voice sounded strained as he awoke and cleaned his eyes.

"Debby, I am so…"

I continued massaging his legs and signalled for him to be quiet.

Taking a deep breath, I let it all out.

"The first time I told Martin I was pregnant, he laughed at me and told me he was not ready to be a father. He said my pregnancy was a tumour that I needed to remove before it grows. He called a doctor friend of his to have the abortion done quietly at home, but I refused, and suddenly, my pregnancy could not be his. He told me he had a life planned with another woman, and I was just an obstacle in his life. Not only was I pregnant at 19, but I was battling with heartbreak and depression. I was alone and sick throughout my pregnancy. It was an ugly time, Samuel. The only thing that kept me going was the child in my womb. I would sit and talk to her. I would beg her not to bear any resemblance to Martin. I would beg her not to possess any of his characteristics because I could not take it. She heard me, Sam. I could not believe she came out of me in the delivery room. She looked so different. For three months after childbirth, I would sit and study her all day, not believing my eyes. The only thing of his she has is the blood running in her veins, and I can live with that."

"I am sorry, Debs."

"Yes, I am broken… and it is because someone broke me. I am crazy, but it is because someone pushed me to the wall enough to unearth that part of me. I have trust issues because someone snatched my ability to trust from me. I am afraid of following your plan because I do not want to wake up and not want to live again. I cannot go back to that space I fought so hard to get out of because of my daughter."

His eyes were red as tears formed in them, and he blinked them away.

"Deborah, I cannot imagine what you went through or even pretend to understand the magnitude of your pain, but what I know is that I want to try my best to take them away and restore what is broken. I am sorry if I always come off the wrong way. I am still learning and promise to get it right. I am sorry for hurting you."