16 - The nightmare

Hello dear Reader!

I'd like to let you all know that this chapter has a trigger warning! It has mentions of past abuse - Jungkook tells Seokjin what happened with him at a one night stand. Please be careful while you're reading.

This is just fiction! Nothing that is mentioned here happened in real life.

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Jungkook tried his best to calm down, but he couldn't stop the flashbacks from appearing in front of his eyes.

"He-help me… please!" He whispered through his sobbing. Seokjin kept on caressing his hair and back, holding him tight in his arms that gave him some kind of safety.

"How? How can I help you, Jungkookie?" Seokjin's voice trembled as he spoke, and the younger realised he's the reason for it as his hyung sensed his emotions and felt the same way as him. This made Jungkook cry even harder; he didn't want Seokjin to suffer because of him.

"Ca-can you make my pain disappear? The sadness I feel?" Jungkook asked in his desperation.

"I-I can suppress it, but are you sure you want that?"

Jungkook wanted to say yes. Dear God, he wanted these emotions to disappear so badly, to erase all of his suffering, to never let these feelings to haunt him ever again. But a part of him couldn't let him do it. There was something deep inside Jungkook that told him he'd made a bad decision, that he should learn how to defeat these emotions without the help of Seokjin's powers.

"Jungkook?" He heard the elder's soft voice.

"No."

"What?"

"I do-don't want you to suppress my emotions."

"What made you change your mind so suddenly?" Seokjin asked curiously. Jungkook took a deep breath and exhaled it shakily. Focusing on his breathing and to answer the question helped him to suppress his sadness a bit.

"I realised I have to defeat my demons by my own strength. God, I wish they could just… disappear so they'd never haunt me again, but to let you use your power to do that wouldn't be the right decision. If you'd make my sadness, my pain go away, I wouldn't be the same person. It'd feel like I'd lose a part of myself that I'd never get back again." Jungkook could only whisper the last words, but he was sure the elder heard him.

A few moments later Jungkook felt Seokjin's fingers under his chin, and he let the elder lift his head up to look into his eyes. Seokjin's lips trembled a bit as they formed a faint of a smile while he moved his hand higher to Jungkook's cheek and wiped down a tear.

"I'm glad you think that way. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to suffer or anything like that! It's just…" Seokjin hesitated a little, like he didn't know how exactly he could express what he's thinking. "To be honest with you, I don't like using this side of my powers. I also think that you'd lie to yourself. If someone chooses this way they're hiding from facing the cruel world, the raw reality where bad things can happen as well."

Jungkook could see the sadness in the elder's eyes, they sparkled uniquely, like he was remembering something. Seokjin made little circles with his thumb on Jungkook's cheek; he closed his eyes as he leaned into the touch.

"Our emotions, memories and actions make us who we are, and everything takes a part in it. Even if something terrible happened to us, it still had its effect in our personality and behaviour, and how we make our decisions in the future, just like when we experience a happy, joyful event in our lives." Jungkook looked at him again, a fade of a smile appeared on his face. Seokjin's words calmed him down, his tears finally stopped.

"I hope that I can help you to defeat your demons, even if just a tiny little. Let it be a smile, a hug, or a nice, broad shoulder you can cry on." The last part made the younger chuckle, it made Seokjin smile as well. "No matter what happens, I want to stay with you."

Jungkook slowly closed his eyes as he leaned closer and gave a small peck onto Seokjin's soft lips, then he rested his forehead against his.

"Thank you."

They stayed like that for a while, neither of them wanted to break this moment. Seokjin was still caressing Jungkook's cheek, gently moving his fingers on his skin while Jungkook soothed the side of the elder's body and back, their legs were still tangled under the sheets.

"Jungkook?"

"Hmm?"

"What… what did you dream about?" Seokjin whispered. The question made Jungkook's body frozen, even his hand stopped on the elder's waist.

"I'm sorry! You know what, just forget that I even aske-"

"I dreamed about an old… one night stand." Jungkook interrupted the latter. He knew that he'd have to speak about this one day, to recall these memories, no matter how hard it was. He didn't, couldn't run away from them forever. Jungkook dragged away a bit and locked his eyes with Seokjin. They looked at each other, and Jungkook saw the worry in the elder's eyes and how he was biting his bottom lip.

"You really don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Seokjin broke the silence.

Jungkook gently shook his head. "It's better to get over with it." Seokjin nodded, and it was a sign for him to take a deep breath to gather some courage to begin his story.

"It was the first time after I found out I have powers. What I did to that poor girl, my parent's cold behaviour, how my friends ignored me, everything crashed on me, making me sad and confused. I didn't understand every part of what happened with me, and I felt… lonely. I stayed in the apartment, lying in my bed for days, only leaving it when I felt too hungry or to go to the bathroom, but that's it. And even if I tried to eat, I lost my appetite after a few bites."

Jungkook's chest ached as he recalled these memories, but Seokjin's closeness, the way he caressed him lessened his pain, making it a bit easier to continue.

"About four days later I noticed that no matter what I ate, I was still so hungry, I became weaker like I was sick. I spent the whole day wondering why this was happening to me, and it was already dark when I realised that maybe my power was behind my state. But, even though I final figured out my issue, I still had no idea what I should do to solve it. I was ashamed, and I was too scared to, well, to…" Jungkook trailed off, feeling that his cheeks were burning.

"To pick up someone from the streets?" Seokjin asked quietly; his tone was calm, and when Jungkook looked at his eyes, he didn't see pity or disgust in them. He could only nod, taking a deep breath before he went on.

"I thought that maybe a few drinks can help, so I went to a club, hoping that it'd be easier to find someone there to hook up with."

"Did you succeed?"

"No." Jungkook said with a sigh. "When it seemed like I finally had something going on with a girl, I became too nervous, and my hesitation scared her away. The failure worsened my state, I felt completely defeated, so I went to the bar to have one last drink before I left."

"Hm, this sounds familiar." The elder said with a small smile.

"Well, yeah, the situation was almost the same. A handsome guy sat down next to me – he was even taller than you – and bought me a drink. We talked about small sweet nothings, I can't even recall about the topics, only that I enjoyed his company." Jungkook remembered the guy's face; his dimples which appeared at the corner of his lips when he smiled. Oh, if he'd known what was behind that smile…

"One drink followed the other, and to think clearly became harder after each drink. There are some parts I can't even remember from that part of the night. Like, in one moment, I was sitting at the bar with him, and in the other I was resting my head on his shoulder in a cab. I have memories of how he was holding me in his arms while he was trying to open the front door of his apartment. As I woke up and felt sober enough to stand he could finally get us in."

Jungkook's breathing became a bit more rapid as the flashbacks of that night appeared in front of his eyes. The only thing that didn't let him suffocate by the bad memories was Seokjin's presence, his closeness. A lifebelt that kept him above the surface, not letting him to drown under the waves.

"The whole atmosphere changed when he closed the door, I barely sensed it though as I was looking around the place. He turned me around and smashed his lips onto mine. My head felt dizzy, but I tried to ignore everything and focus on the physical contact. Thankfully it was working, I felt that my desire took control over me." As Jungkook remembered what had happened, he felt how his cheeks started burning. How the guy's lips were so plump – not as much as Seokjin's though -, his muscular arms that were holding him tightly, his silverfish hair, his deep voice that made him tremble.

"I had never been with a man before, but the hunger I felt because of my power was too big, so I didn't even care about it at all. We soon ended up in his bed, we were both impatient and probably still tipsy. Then…" Jungkook hesitated, the tightness in his chest worsened, even his eyes started stinging. He didn't want to cry again, he still needed to tell this to Seokjin!

While Jungkook was struggling, Seokjin sensed everything the younger was feeling; how the sadness and fear started to overwhelm him. Seokjin still caressed his face and back, making him close his eyes and lean into the touch. A few moments later Jungkook looked at him again and inhaled a deep breath, exhaling it shakily before he continued.

"He became rough; he almost ripped off my clothes as he undressed me, his gentle touches became painful gripping. I asked him to stop, but he didn't listen to me at all, he completely ignored my pleas. I'm still not sure why, maybe it was because I was drunk, maybe because of the side effect of my power, but I felt so weak. Even when I somehow freed myself from his hold, I couldn't climb down from the bed; he pulled me back right away so easily."

Seokjin felt like his heart broke into pieces, his eyes were burning as he was close to crying. God, only hearing this made him feel terrible, he couldn't imagine what it was like to live this through.

"When he pulled down his pants, I knew I couldn't do anything to stop what was coming. I felt like my brain shut down, my body became numb. Even when his grip loosened didn't matter, I knew I could've escaped at that moment if I really wanted to." Jungkook's eyes were filled with tears, his lips trembled as he spoke.

"But… this wasn't your fault, Jungkookie…" Seokjin whispered, the lump in his throat made it harder to speak.

"I know, but still, in the back of my mind I knew that I had no choice. If I'd run away, my body wouldn't have gotten what I needed to survive." The way how defeated Jungkook's voice sounded made Seokjin's heart ache.

"So, after I realised what was going to happen, it all became… blurry? I remember that it hurt at the beginning, and how I asked him to stop but he didn't listen to me, but other than these, I don't remember much. My head became dizzy, and I felt like my mind kept out everything else except the lust and desire I started to feel."

"How so?"

"I don't know, my guess is that my powers activated and it took control over my body."

"Like the way it happened to you when you were with the girl? When your powers showed up for the first time?" Seokjin asked with a frown. Jungkook nodded, humming in agreement.

"I can't recall what happened after that."

Both of them stayed quiet for a short while; Seokjin was trying to process what he'd heard.

"So, if you don't get the energy you need for too long, the incubus inside you basically takes control over your body and mind…" The elder mumbled. "What's the next thing you can remember?"

"That he was laying on me unconsciously."

"And how were you feeling back then?" Was Seokjin's next question. Jungkook glanced over as he tried to recall it.

"I felt… fine. I didn't have a hangover at all, and I didn't feel any kind of physical pain either." It didn't go unnoticed by Seokjin how the younger worded his answer, but he didn't interrupt him. "I quickly dressed up and left. And I never went to that club again."

"He didn't try to get in contact with you?" Seokjin asked with a frown.

"Even if he tried, he failed as I have never met him again. I don't even know his name, and I never told him mine." Hearing Jungkook's answer relieved Seokjin.

"Well, if you wouldn't stay here, I wouldn't know your name either." Seokjin noted playfully, hoping that he could ease the mood. He was happy to see how the corner of the younger's mouth curled up a little.

"Look who's talking! You didn't bother to tell yours either." Jungkook's eyes sparkled with mischief, overcoming the sadness he felt earlier.

"Touché." A smile crossed Seokjin's face, and Jungkook showed him a huge grin. A few moments later his grin turned to a softer smile, his eyes were shining differently now.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Seokjin frowned at him.

"That you listened to me… and that you're not afraid or disgusted by me."

"Look at you, aigoo… didn't I tell you already that no matter what happens, I want to be there with you?" Seokjin looked at Jungkook with a pout, pretending like he was offended. It made Jungkook chuckle, then he pecked Seokjin on the lips.

"I know, but it doesn't matter; I'm grateful that you don't push me away despite everything I told you." Jungkook said with red cheeks.

Seokjin knew he'd need some time to process everything he'd heard, but he was sure it was much harder for Jungkook to tell him all of these, how much courage he needed to do it. Also, Seokjin felt grateful that the younger trusted him enough to talk about his past, it was something he's going to cherish and take care of.

"What are you thinking about?" Jungkook pulled Seokjin out of his thoughts.

"You." The elder admitted, feeling how he started blushing.

"Oh, is that so? And what do you think about me?"

"That how strong you are."

"You mean…?" Jungkook trailed off with a raised eyebrow.

"There aren't too many people who can face their fears, their terrible memories. It's been only three months since this happened to you. For most of the people it takes years until they can finally open up about this topic."

"I… I couldn't do it without you… and thankfully I don't remember that much about it either." Jungkook whispered, his cheeks had a nice shade of pink.

"It's still a big thing though! You trusted me enough to tell me about it, and I'm really grateful for that." Seokjin's words made Jungkook smile; he leaned closer to the elder for a kiss.

The happiness Jungkook was feeling warmed Seokjin's soul, he felt like Jungkook was trying to tell his feelings with this kiss, moving his lips slowly; Seokjin slid his hand from the younger's cheek to the back of his neck.

They took deep breaths after they broke the kiss, looking at each other. The romantic moment was interrupted by a loud growling sound, it made the elder giggle; Jungkook shyly lowered his gaze with red cheeks.

"Oh, someone's hungry." Seokjin said teasingly. "Come on, let's make something for breakfast." he added with a smile on his face and took off of the bed.

While they were dressing up, Seokjin glanced at Jungkook, adoring his looks. He had to admit that there was no reason to lie to himself, he already fell in love with the younger. And knowing the fact that Jungkook felt the same way towards him made him even happier. But he knew this wasn't going to be easy. A lot of things had happened to Jungkook, and Seokjin had gone through bad things as well. Both of them had scars in their souls, and he could only hope that no matter what kind of hardships was going to appear in front of them they could solve it together.