Down in the dumps

It took us about four hours and a half to London and another thirty minutes to arrive at Jade's. Jade and Diana looked so dumbfounded when we both standing right in front of the door but I just entered their house and went to the room that they prepared for me before. Technically, my room! They prepared that room for me in case I went there. I sat in a queen size bed still feeling wounded. I feel shitty. Fuck, I knew it, the word 'happy' won't last long with me.

"Hey." I looked up at Jade who closed the door tight. He came and sat next to me, rubbing my back softly. "What's wrong?" The amount of concern from his voice makes me burst into a cry again.

"He came for me, Jade. He came! He said he will pick me up or I will come back to him. Eventually, he'll make sure I'm with him. He will hunt me down, Jade." I cried. I looked at him and he frowning. Confused.

"I'm not delusional, no! It's reality." I started to panic. Why did he give me that look? The sympathy look. He didn't believe me too? "Please tell me you believe me, Jade."

"I don't understand, Maddie? Who comes? Who? What's wrong, tell me." He grabbed my arms, tight. "Who's coming for you, Maddie?" he asked, calmly.

"Henry...Henry did, Jade," I said, clenching over his shirt. He looked stunned, pale, just absolutely lost. He probably thinks, what I said is absolute nonsense."Ayden said I'm delusional. I know what I saw is real!"

"Maddie...calm down, where did you see him. Tell me, where…"

"At my house, in the elevator." I stared at Jade. No...he has that look too. Please don't tell me anything else but you trust me, Jade.

"Maddie, maybe he..."

"No!" I cut him off, yelling. I know what he's about to say. Maybe Ayden was right. That. He wants to say that! I stood up and walked back from him. He just likes him too, he probably said it's delusional. I feel betrayed. I looked at the door that suddenly opened. Diana and Ayden come in, maybe because I'm yelling.

"All of you think that I'm delusional, huh?" I asked, crying. "Vision? Or whatever you called it? I'm not crazy! I know it's real, it is real!"

"Maddie…" I looked at Diana, she's about to cry. She probably thinks the same. She probably thinks I'm gone. Probably think I went gaga.

"Why? Because I'm mentally ill? Because my mind is not stable? You think I'm crazy?" I asked...Deep down inside me, I was begging for them to believe me. "It's not a delusion. I'm not crazy. You can check the CCTV there. There was CCTV! Go and check them!"

Jade and Diana looked at Ayden, and he nodded. "I will, so please calm down, baby." He tried to take a step but I step back.

Hah! He didn't even bother to check it before...And here I thought he did, he thinks it's a 'vision'.

I laughed in disbelief. This is so absurd. Then he slowly shakes his head lightly.

"I'll check them now, please, calm down." He said, he's stretching out his hand, but Jade stopped him. He looked at Jade with a frown.

"Let me calm her down, wait outside," Jade said and pushed both of them outside. He locked the door and looked at me.

He smiled sat down on the floor. "Wanna talk?" he asked, smiling faintly.

"He didn't believe me," I said, still sobbing. "He said he would. You didn't believe me too!"

"Maddie...we grow up together. Why would do you think I won't believe you? I trust every single word you said to me." He said, with a faint smile. "Come here. Sit down, let's talk. What did Henry say to you?" he asked. He patted the floor next to him, and I slowly walked and sat next to him. He patted my back, and I cried even more.

"You trust me?" I asked, staring at him, even though it's started to blurry. He nodded, smiling.

"Why did he has to say that? Why does he has to say that it's all my vision like I'm in my delusional." I sobbed, wiping my tears but it keeps flowing. My heart hurts so bad. My soul is aching. I keep hearing something shattering. The feeling I felt was a betrayal. I was hoping that he would comfort me.

"Because he didn't know what happened, Maddie. He is trying his best to understand you without forcing you to tell the truth. You know that too, right?"

I looked at Jade with a frown. His defending him? Another reason why I felt so betrayed. He just smiles faintly. "Wanna know a secret?"

I didn't reply, not even nodding. And he just grabbed my hand and hold it into them.

"Diana used to be like that too." He said, smiling. "Similar, I think. Our situation, probably different. But she's having a hard time understanding the two of us. She didn't show it to you, but she showed it to me."

I looked down to my feet. Listening. She did?

"Did she said you're having a delusional too?"

"No...she called me weak. She couldn't understand why I keep rejecting her, and she couldn't understand what I fear about." he let out a soft chuckle. "She was jealous of you before too, she said, she couldn't understand our relationship. She keeps saying we were more than just siblings. She thought we're something more than siblings. And when I denied it, she would question me, why would I care about you when we're not even a sibling. A real sibling. We were seventeen? I think. She didn't understand, why we try so hard to avoid people, avoid the community. Avoid falling in love...She couldn't understand it all."

"You know what I do next?" he asked, I shook my head. "I told her everything. And guess what? She still doesn't understand it. And that time, she didn't understand why I didn't fight back and saved you, Maddie. Why did I let you go through all the pain? 'You are her brother', she said. Did you know why she said that?"

Again, I shake my head. He's tightening his grips and laughed. "Because I didn't tell her about me, I only tell her about your part. Why did I protect you more than myself? Why I care about you more than myself. Why are you my priority? I told her the reason why you are my treasure. And when I tell her about my part, she asked, why I didn't fight back. I said I didn't have the strength to do so. And she asked why didn't we tell the adults, the caretaker?" he paused, chuckling.

"You see, Maddie. Even if you told the story, people will keep questioning you, and when you give them an answer, they will have another question. Diana doesn't know about me, but she assumed she knows me. She thinks I'm weak and she thinks I was strong enough to at least saved you. She thinks all of the adults have a strong sense of responsibility. And what I tried to say now, Ayden is similar. He didn't understand us. What he said, was based on what he sees before. You said, that you get a panic attack in front of him, right? Did you get delusional that time? Did you saw your dad again? Did you Maddie?"

He paused, letting me think about it. And yes, I think I do get hysterical one time. Maybe.

"If you did, then it should make it even more sense. Therefore, when you said, that you saw him, as a person who doesn't know the whole story, he would think that way first. He doesn't understand us, Maddie, and we can't expect that they would understand us without us telling him the whole story. I believe you. Because I know the truth. The whole story. I know what you have been through, Maddie. And of course when you said that, I was scared. I get scared, for you. I'm much stronger now, I can protect you, protect myself, but you, Maddie." he pulled my hand to his laps, patting it softly.

"You think I'm weak?" I looked at him with a furrowed brows. He laughed.

"No, you are strong. But we both know how weak you are against that fucking trash. And what I tried to say is, you need to tell Ayden about it. Yes, he shouldn't say that, especially when you're in a lot of pain, emotionally. But you need to make him understand too. Yes, he fucked up, Maddie. Not gonna lie, he is fucked up. But again, you need to tell him. Be transparent with him. If after that he still thinks you're delusional, that the sign to leave him."

"It's hurt me, Jade. When I heard him said that it was probably just my vision." I confessed. "It's hurt so bad."

"I know...I know it's hurt. I know." he said, letting me cry quietly next to him. "But you need to swallow the pain and scream all of the things you keep inside now. So he could hear you, he could understand you. Like how we scream at each other."

I closed my eyes tight, letting the tears fall from my cheeks. I can't think. All I do is crying, like a weakling.

"Let it all out, make him understand."

"But what if he didn't?" I heard Jade let out a soft chuckle.

"One word. Leave him. Ah, it's maybe two words there." I laughed at his dumb comment. "If he didn't listen, leave. Like how we did before. We left, Maddie. From that hell, because we knew, nobody listening. And look how far we get. Look at us. All are healthy and survive. We still breathing and it's great."

"But I'm not healthy mentally, Jade!" I whimpered. "I'm not…"

"Maddie...you're trying your best, so are you being so hard on yourself? Loosen up a little. You trying harder than anyone else. And I'm proud of it. As I said, he will listen to you. Trust me. Or I will kick his fucking arse." I gave him a feeble smile. Leaning my head on his shoulder.

"And Maddie, about that man, what that bastard tell you?" Now my brain started to functioning again. Right, this is more important. I wiped my tears rashly.

I clenched his hand and looked at him, "Khai." He frowned, straighten himself.

"He mentioned about Khai, I said I killed him, and he said...he said he know. Jade, I...how did he know? He knows about everything. As if he followed me." I said, "This is the third time, Jade. The first one was that night I cut my neck. He told me, he told me that. The second one was at the hospital when I have my appointment. This is the third time, Jade."

He bites his lower lips, searching deep inside my eyes. I could feel his body shaking. "What else?" he sounds a bit tense.

"He gave me a pharmacy bag. For my face."

"Yeah, what's wrong with your…" He was about to ask what's wrong with my face but he stopped. He then looked even tenser, as his eyes looked darkened. "Did he touched you? Did he do this?" I shook my head, and he looked even scarier. Rage. I could see that.

"Who did this? Ayden?"

"No!" my eyes widened when he thinks that Ayden did this. "It's a woman. Nobody touched me, Jade. Just a woman slapped me."

He frowned even more. But he didn't askr more. "Stay here for a few days, I'll talk about this with Ayden. Just stay here. Go take a shower. Get some rest, sleep. Have you eaten?"

I shook my head again.

"Go take a shower, come out and eat something. We will talk about this later," he said, he kissed my forehead and patted my back one more time. "Take some rest."

-------

Right after a shower, I put on a yellow t-shirt and light grey pants and get out of the room. I didn't see Ayden and Jade. But I do see Diana in the kitchen. I walked closer and sat at the dining table. She smiles at me, and put some casserole in front of me.

"I heard you used to be jealous with me, Dee. I'm hurt." I said, half teasing half hurt, but she looked stunned. She sat down with an awkward smile.

"I was seventeen. Come on!" she said. "If you're looking for our boys, they went out to get some air and talk. How are you feeling? Better?"

I shrugged. I don't know. I still hurt. But I guess, Jade is right, he didn't know. But it still hurts.

"He said...you said that Henry is back?" She looked at me and I looked at her. I don't think I could even talk to her after listening to what Jade said. Sure, she used to be one of the people who don't even know anything yet think they know, sure, that was passed. But I just get to know about it and I don't know if I could talk anything to her at this moment, "Okay, let's not talk about that while you eat." she said, completely changed her mind about it.

I looked at my casserole, I don't have any appetite to eat. But since she's cook for me, it probably hurt her feelings if I didn't take a bite. So I've been forcing myself to swallow. I could hear from here, the door clicking open, Jade's voice and Ayden's, faintly.

Diana quickly stood up and I saw Jade sitting down in front of me. But I didn't see Ayden. Not even his presence.

"He left," Jade said. I frowned, but still staring down at my casserole.

"Why?" I heard Diana ask, sounding a bit pissed.

"He went to check something. He said he will be right back. I gave him a key. He will come back right after he knows what he's looking for." He said. I know, he said that to me too.

But all I feel is numb. I'm too tired to think about what he's doing. I will be lying if I'm not sad because he didn't see me first, comforting me, or even asking for forgiveness.

I know he didn't mean it. But still. He was as similar as the Father from the orphanage who gave me preached instead of comfort, as similar as Sister Judy who put me in a smaller room instead of listening to me.

"He will come back. Just trust him." He added. And I'm too tired to even reply to him. I didn't even finish the casserole.

I told Diana that I'm tired and I want to take some rest so I went to the bedroom.

I lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. My head was full with what Ayden said. Maybe it's a vision.

How I wish it was just a vision. How I wish everything was a delusion. But I know what happened just now, it's real.

I slowly tossed around and curled myself, crying. Why did this happen when I was finally able to breathe again?

Why did this seem like a mistake for me, for being happy?

Why did this feel like a wake-up call to me, to knock me down and make me realise that I can't be happy?

I found myself crying even more when I think about my angle. My saviour. My Khai. My baby. I cried because I regretted how much I forgot about him. I cried because I forgot what he looked like. I cried because I don't remember his face anymore. I cried even harder because I miss him so much! His tiny hands. His tiny feet. I hate myself so much.

And I cried, even more, to think how I'm going to tell Ayden that I killed my child. About me. About myself. Would he listen? How will he react?

And I found myself falling asleep. As I opened my eyes again, my pillow was covered with wet stained tears. And my eyes are still wet and burned. I slowly step out of the bed and go to the kitchen. I'm thirsty.

It's dark. I flipped the kitchen's switch and grabbed a glass of water. Then I found myself sitting in the doorway. Waiting for Ayden. To come home.

I cried again when I realised that I miss him despite I'm mad at him. I don't know what to do. I need him right now. I need him to hug me and say that it will be alright.

It will be fine.

It will be okay.

And I think I fell asleep again at the doorway. I don't know what time it was when I heard the door open and his fainted voice calling for my name.

And I could feel his hands around me as he lifted me, and I curled inside his chest, hiding my face. I could hear him whispering but I couldn't grasp what he tried to say.

All I know is when I wake up. I will talk with him. A proper conversation.