Chapter 44

I tried to sleep but the thoughts wouldn't stop racing in my mind.

I kept tearing myself up whether I wanted to have another serious relationship or not. On the other hand, I felt sick for falling into a situation like that.

My heart was aching for Seeley and the life he has had to have. No one deserved to go through something like that and on top of that, he fled into an abusive relationship.

I didn't think I could ever forgive myself for that.

However, Perkyn was like a dream coming true. He was a little awkward but he was funny and always made sure I felt good about myself. He has never missed a chance to make my food which was still something new and incredible thing to experience.

He actually cared for me but Seeley has been in love with me for years now.

I had a feeling that I owed Seeley that but then I reminded myself if I wouldn't be devoted to a relationship with him then it wouldn't be fair for me to choose him.

But if I'd choose Perkyn, we wouldn't have that much time together since we lived in different towns. Maybe meeting at the weekends would work but after a while, I'd want to live with my significant other.

Could I imagine myself moving here if things go that far?

I had no idea.

I would have never thought that I'd experience something like this. Had to choose between two boys who both wanted the best for me while I was full of flaws and kept making mistakes.

And the fact that they were brothers made it even more complicated.

I knew that they didn't know each other and didn't know if they would ever try to reach out to each other – knowing Seeley, he probably would never.

I didn't think it was up to me to ruin the chance of them being brothers someday.

Three soft knocks dragged me out of my heavy thoughts that kept pulling me back into the alley of questions and heartbreaks.

"Yes?"

The door opened and I saw Seeley's torn and tired face in my vision. There were dark circles under his eyes, making me wonder if he could actually sleep a little or has he had been awake the whole time since we got home to torn himself.

"Can I come in?"

I sat up and pulled my legs up.

"Yes, of course."

He gave me a shy nod before closing the door and walking in. To my surpirse he walked over to me and sat down at the bottom of my bed, not far from my legs.

"How are you feeling?" I asked even though his face gave it all away.

He turned to me and shrugged.

"I'll live." His voice was deep and void.

I could do anything to bring back the smile on his face but it seemed like it was impossible to get his brain turn off for a minute.

"Were you talking with Leigh?" He asked and I hummed. "I heard you talking with someone on the phone an hour ago or so."

I leaned back and dropped my gaze to my hands in my lap. Should I tell him that I was talking to his brother?

Would that mean that I betrayed him?

"No, I uh… Perkyn called me to see if I was okay." I admitted, a little afraid of his reaction.

He stared at me with an unreadable expression before he frowned.

"Why wouldn't you be?"

I hugged my knee while his glare was burning my face. There was his peacefulness.

"You don't need to take that seriously, it was just—"

He sighed and buried his face into his hands then dragged the down on his face.

"No, I want to know what gave that prick the right to think that I was a threat to you." He shifted so his body was facing me.

I was too confused to comprehend his sudden outburst now.

"He didn't think that."

"Right, sure he didn't." He gave me a forced smile that was just plain evil.

"You're being ridiculous now, Seeley."

He scoffed and gestured to himself.

"Am I? When that son of a bitch was probably planning his move to acting like the goddamn prince on a white horse to save the day?" He snapped. "Why wouldn't you be all right? Am I a monster or something?"

I swallowed hard. I should have known better than admit the fact that I was talking with Perkyn.

He really felt like I just betrayed him and I mentally scolded myself for not being more careful around him.

But I would have felt guilty if I lied to him.

"Is this what that snowflake thinks of me, huh?" He continued as his eye darkened in anger. "That even in my worst moments I'd be capable of hurting you?"

I shook my head so fast that my neck started to hurt.

"No, you are overreacting."

"I think you just like to bury your head in the sand whenever I talk about Perkyn." He interrupted me when I was about to raise my voice.

It seemed like he didn't even hear me.

Or just ignored me on purpose.

He always drove me crazy with his paranoia and hatred toward the world.

"I don't." I crossed my arms and he pushed himself up. "Do you even hear yourself now?"

"Yes, I do, Heds." He turned around and glared at me. "I thought that we were passed this. You don't talk to any of them anymore. Especially Perkyn. I'm sick of him being around all the time."

It felt like he just slapped me in the face. His words were harsh and ruthless. Seeley was nowhere near of his old-self who could put his jealousy away and decided to invite Perkyn to my birthday to make me happy.

It felt like it happened years ago and the memory of us having a great time together seemed to fade away, leaving nothing but sorrowness behind.

"He is my co-worker, what the hell did you expect?" I asked in a sharp tone.

"You quit, on Monday, right away. You don't go near to him again." Seeley ordered and my cheeks reddened.

I tried to swallow all the hurtful things I had to say to him but it was hard when he kept pushing my buttons and attack me for my feelings toward Perkyn.

"I won't."

"Heds, you are starting to piss me off now." He put his hand up while the other was on his hip.

My blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was throw something against him. Then I remembered what kind of hell Clara has put him through and I pushed my aggressive thoughts away.

I needed to handle this conflict like an adult. If he could do then I had to step up.

I couldn't let him control me when he wasn't even my boyfriend. After Kalen, I'll be damned if I'll let someone walk over me like I was nothing.

I've had enough of attracting troubled people.

"Pissing you off with what exactly?" I asked. "For supporting someone who found out his father has been lying to him for his whole life? It's a hard thing to accept. I thought you knew that by now."

His glare was sharp and cold and it sent shivers down my spine but I kept my stillness. I didn't want to let him know that he was getting under my skin.

I blamed Clara and his father for making him think that he had every right to think of other people like marionettes.

"You don't want to go there."

"Why not? Because I can see what's happening here?" I asked.

"What do you think happens?"

I slid off the bed and stood up to be in the same level as he was.

"You think that you are in a position to control me just because you love me." I snapped. "And if you think I'll let you treat me like a property then you are wrong."

He narrowed his eyes while disbelief washed over his face.

"I'm trying to protect you."

"Maybe you should protect me from yourself then!" I snapped and his face fell.

It took me a few seconds to realize what I just said.

Without noticing I used his biggest insecurity to get back at him. Not that he didn't deserve it but the sad and disappointed look on his face made me question whether I should have opened my mouth at all.

"I should have known that you weren't serious about anything that you said last night. Then had sex with me because you felt sorry for me?" His voice was threatening.

I took a step back because I didn't know how he would react once he'd left himself off the hook.

"If you want to know, I was serious about everything." I said in a firm tone. "I meant every word but you were right. You didn't deserve any of it."

Perkyn's words echoed through my head the whole time while it felt like an eternity to have him answer.

He was using his trauma and hurt feelings against me to manipulate me into thinking that I wed him that much and would do anything he said.

I felt like an idiot. I shed tears for him and embraced him in every way possible because he was hurt. Then he took off his mask and showed me the real side of him.

He was just like Kalen.

"I told you that you were playing dangerous games with me." He glared at me like I was the reason behind his pain.

I shook my head briefly, I couldn't stand him while he was like this. He really was close to something I'd call a monster.

In this situation he only thought about himself, he didn't think of Perkyn or Delilah who have been blindfolded just like he has been.

He made it all about himself.

"What is your problem now exactly?" I asked, still standing my ground.

He couldn't stand me speaking up for himself just like Kalen didn't either.

They only had different faces but on the inside, they were both the same.

Ruthless, cruel, and unfair.

"My problem is that you let me go all around and tell you everything about me. My past, my grief, my guilt, and the love I've been feeling toward you and then you pull this shit! I'm sick of it!"

His voice was rough and full of anger. He acted like a wounded animal, when he felt like he was in danger, he attacked without the slightest sign.

"I'm sorry that you fell in love with someone who wouldn't let you control her life. I really am." I spread my arms with a bitter smile.

He took my sight in while I could see him not giving voice to his selfish thoughts. It surprised me that he didn't let himself lash out.

Maybe he wasn't hopeless after all.

I hated myself for still feeling empathy toward him while here he was, standing in front of me, doing the exact things that I once promised myself I'd never endure again.

"I only want what's the best for you." He stepped closer, lowering his tone. "I want you to be happy with me. I want to be the right person for you."

The gentleness in his voice made me question myself in a second. How could he change his moods that fast?

My heart melted at him pleading for me and telling me all these kinds of things.

"What if we are not right for each other?" I whispered as he cupped the side of my face.

Confusion flashed through his green irises.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

I sighed and dropped my head while he was still holding it.

I didn't trust myself when he told me loving and sweet things like that to me.

"Just look at us, we keep hurting each other." I gestured between us and he caressed my cheek with his thumb.

"I know that I've been terrible to you lately and I can't apologize enough for that." He stared into my eyes with a loving expression. "I need some time to process all of this but if you give me that and have faith in me, then I can show you that I'll change."

I could barely stand listening to him talking like that. Not when he was talking just like Kalen had been in the parking lot after he chased after me.

"I know that's not what you want to hear but I promise that I'll change and I'll be the man for you." He begged in a cracked voice.

I hated seeing him like this and it was all because of me.

"I don't think that's going to work." I shook my head slightly while trying my best to not let my tears fall.

"Don't say that. I know that I made mistakes and I'll make it up to you until the end of my life." He whispered in a desparate tone. "Just don't lose your hope. I'll be better. I promise, just please…"

My throat tightened at his desparation as he was practically begging me for have faith in him. When Kalen's memory made it into my mind, I kept reminding myself that Seeley wasn't Kalen.

They weren't the same. Seeley was better than him, he had to be.

I've known him for years and he couldn't end up being just like Kalen. I refused to accept that.

"Seeley." I breathed as he dropped his forehead against me and closed his eyes.

"My life just fell apart, Heds." He sniffed and tightened his hold on me. "Please, I don't want you to lose you now. I need you, you are the only one who can help me be a better man. If you don't believe in me… you have to believe in me. I'm trying to change but it's so hard."

I didn't even notice that a single tear escaped and made its way down my cheek. I took hold of his waist while sighing painfully.

"It's so hard, everything is." He told me. "I don't think I'll survive if you leave me too. After my sister and my mother, I can't lose you too. I just can't."

My heart broke for him and I couldn't decide if he could actually change for me or if he wouldn't be able to.

I felt guilty for making him beg but I would have never thought that I could make Seeley Drewitt beg for my hope and faith in him.

Nobody believed in him and now that I started to have doubts he must have been terrified. I could see it in his eyes.

"Please, I'm begging you, Heds. Don't give up on me. I'll show you that I'll be the right person for you."

We could hear someone banging on the front door and we pulled our heads away. Seeley looked around, confused while I wiped my tears.

When he looked at me, all my anger that I felt toward him minutes ago just disappeared and it was replaced with worry.

I couldn't cause him any more pain, I couldn't do it.

I gave him a little nod and he didn't waste any time stepping in front of me and pressing his lips against mine.

I felt the butterflies awakening in my stomach as he grabbed my waist and pulled me as close to him as he could.

"Thank you, thank you so much." He mumbled against my lips. "I won't let you down."

Before I could enjoy the gentle touch of his lips, he already walked out of the room to answer the door.

I slowly lifted my hand and touched my fingers against my lips. I felt both happy and tired on the inside.

How many times do I need to change my mind about Seeley?

I heard muffled noises from the living room, one of them was sharp and almost impatient. I wiped my face and fixed my hair before walking out to see what was happening.

Walking down the hallway, I felt a lump growing inside my throat as my steps took closer to the trouble that was waiting for me.

I turned around the corner only to be stopped by my legs as my blood turned cold.

Seeley was in the living room with a heavy expression and turned to me with pity in his eyes when he heard me approaching.

I felt my eyes widen as the blonde girl with black nails and multiple earrings in her ear turned to me with a flat expression.

"It's good to see you, Heddy." Clara Dallen said. "It's been a while."