Chapter 40

Chapter 40

NOW

Seeley pulled up to a bar after about twenty minutes of driving in silence. I caught him clenching his jaw a few times or tighten his bloody fingers around the wheel.

I stared at the flickering lights when he pulled the keys out of the ignition and turned to me with empty eyes.

"Are you coming in?" He asked, his voice low.

My tongue darted out to wet my lips.

"I'd rather go home."

He cleared his throat then opened his door.

"Then you can walk home if can't stand being around me."

"Seeley, it's not—" I tried to argue but he already slammed the door shut and walked toward the bar.

I looked around in the dark street before pushing my door open to follow Seeley. He scared me in a way but I also didn't want to leave his side.

Hurrying inside the bar, I was welcomed with warm air and the smell of sweat. Since it was already late enough there were a lot of people inside, playing pool and drinking until they couldn't roll their tongue.

I saw Seeley walking up to the bar and ordering himself a drink. I ignored people giving me side glances and made my way over to him.

I take a seat beside him on a barstool then shake my head slightly when the bartender gives me a questioning look if I wanted to drink anything.

I've already had enough drink at the Drewitt house before shit hit the fan after Seeley appeared.

I watched him quietly as he drank his scotch in less than five seconds. My eyes widened as he slammed the glass down and gestured to the bartender to fill his glass.

"Seeley, I know you are upset…"

He scoffed and tilted his head to the side while his face hardened.

"Upset is not even close to what I'm feeling now, Heds." He answered and watched the bartender doing his job.

My chest tightened at the sight of his suffer. He didn't deserve any of this.

He hasn't deserved anything that ever happened to him yet he had to be one of the most heartbroken people that I'd ever met in my entire life.

I started to think about his deceased sister and mother that must have been torturing him for years now and I had no idea about it.

He knew many things of me because I had tursted him with those informations but it seemed he never trusted me that way. Not that he had to tell me everything but even after years he still lied to my face when I asked that particular question about his mother.

However my heart understood his decisions of not wanting to talk about it.

"I just want you to know that I'm here for you." I said and touched his shoulder while the noise of the almost crowded bar muffled my voice.

He tensed but didn't push my hand off himself and I took that as a good sign.

He was in such a dark place in his mind now that I had to calculate my next steps and words because it felt like I was walking on a minefield.

"Then drink." He nodded toward the bartender.

I bit into my lip and pulled my hand away which he immediately noticed. He glanced up at me, with cold eyes.

"I don't want to." I answered, my voice small and defeated. I had no chance against him but I kept trying to pull him out of the shadows.

He leaned on his elbows and glared at his glass as if it has been responsible for all the things that has ever went wrong in his life.

"And I think you shouldn't either." I said carefully, still scared that he could snap at any moment.

He sighed and nodded. Just when I thought that my words fought their way through his stormed brain, he grabbed his glass and lifted it to his lips.

I watched him drink it as if it was water. It scared me how easily he handled alcohol and made me wonder if he has done something like this before that pushed his tolerance this high.

"I appreciate your concern but you can't tell me what I'm allowed to do." He said and leaned back.

I remembered those times when he tried to control my actions. The last was still sharp in my heart when he told me in the car that I couldn't see Perkyn anymore.

I couldn't let him blame an innocent person for something that his father has done.

"But you can?" I challenged him, wishing that I could crawl under his skin and get him to stand up and leave.

He scoffed and bit his lip in an aggressive way.

"You don't want to play this game right now with me, Heds," his voice was dangerously calm and somewhat threatening.

"Why? You brought me here and you owe me that." I crossed my arms, standing my ground.

Seeley turned to me and his eyes roamed over my outfit.

"Interesting choice for a party." He commented and my chest tightened.

"Thanks." I said as my cheeks reddened in embarrassment and I turned my head away.

When he realized what he has just said, he eased up a little and reached out to me, touching my wrist softly.

I tried to ignore the electricity that shot through my body once his fingers closed around my wrist.

"I didn't mean it like that." His voice was now warmer.

I tried to hold into the glimpse of this softer side of him because it helped me heal my heart a little. It was bleeding too much to see him this crushed.

"I think you did. Drunk people never lie." I reminded him with a bitter smile and he put his glass down.

Seeley ran his fingers over his hair in a frustrated way as if he didn't know what to do with his hands.

"You are beautiful, Heds." He said. "You always have been, I told you that."

Remembering back to the time when I kissed him at school, after his team had lost their match, I lett he memories flow through my brain.

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you could never be ugly." He said and pulled his hand away when he noticed my expression.

I dropped my gaze and shifted in my seat, still uncomfortble that we were in a bar full of drunk people. Bars were usually the places where a fight would break out and I already felt out of place enough.

I just wanted to leave and try to erase the memories from earlier.

"Can we go home?" I asked, glancing around. "We can talk about it if you want to."

He shook his head and clenched his fists while his expression turned into something cold.

"I don't want to talk anymore. I've done that enough times already."

I pressed my fingers against my lips as he seemed lost in his thoughts.

"I feel empty. So fucking empty." He breathed and buried his face into his hands. I had to turn away because I couldn't keep looking at him when he was like this. "My life is a fucking mess and I'm so tired of it."

His tired and sad voice made my stomach turn into a knot. I'd never seen him this vulnerable yet closed off at the same time.

"I'm here for you, I'll always be." I said softly but he didn't move an inch. After a minute or so that we spent in silence, I started to wonder if he actually heard me.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

My face fell.

"Why would you say that?"

He shrugged and rocked his glass, his eyes dropping to the melting ice inside.

"Isn't that what people do?" He asked back. "They leave you right after they promised that they would stay?"

I dropped my gaze to my lap because I knew what he was talking about. A part of me had a feeling that he was also talking about that time when I kissed him for a game and then pushed him away after playing with his feelings.

I didn't think I would ever get rid off that suffociating feeling that has been inside me ever since that night.

"You know what will happen?" He asked, dragging me out of my thoughts.

I tilted my head to the side.

"What?"

His eyes met mine and I saw nothing but myself in his irises.

"You'll leave me too." He said with a taunting smile. My throat tightened. "Because that's what people who I have ever cared about do."

I shook my head while trying my best to sound serious and confident at the same time. The brokeness in my had nothing to do with me wanting to leave him.

"I won't." I shook my head. "I wouldn't be able to. You are important to me. And that isn't near enough for me to walk away."

Seeley looked surpirsed but also burnt out.

"You promise?" He asked with hope in his eyes.

There was no way I could ever leave him. Especially after tonight. He has become a different person and bailing wasn't something that I liked to do.

Especially if I knew that he needed someone.

He needed a shoulder to cry on.

He needed someone that would listen to him.

He needed someone who wouldn't judge him.

He needed someone who was honest with him.

I just wished that I could be that person who would and could give him everything he needed. Security, care, stability and even love.

"I found a place a few weeks ago when you had been avoiding me." He whispered and I turned back to him.

"Yes?"

He nodded and started to look for money in his pockets. His face was still bloody and the fact that not even the bartender had given him a questioning look proved that he had to get used to that by now.

"If you'd like… I can show you." He said shyly.

"And can we talk then?" I tried. I wanted to make sure that he knew that I'd keep my promise. I needed him to trust me fully again.

And I would never break his trust from now on.

"Yes," he nodded and my shoulders relaxed. He seemed calmer now that he had a few drinks in himself.

I wasn't a huge fan of drinks – especially after my birthday – and I wanted Seeley to endure this pain in a different way.

But I couldn't tell him what to do, especially after his fight with Oswald.

"Here." He helped me down from the stool after he stumbled on his feet a little.

I took his hand and he tightened his fingers around my palm to help me. After putting my other foot on the ground, I accidentally bumped into his chest.

"Sorry." I breathed, my skin burning a little.

He dropped his eyes to my mouth before cupping my face and his finger traced my skin. I stared up at him, waiting for him to do or say something but all he did was enjoying the soft touch of my skin.

"I'm not good for you, Heds," he said in a low tone and my heart skipped a beat.

What was he trying to say? He was so confusing yet humble that it made me feel dizzy.

"Seeley…"

"I always tried to be the best for you, so that you would notice me but I can see it now." He whispered and my heart sunk.

"Don't say that." I said, getting overwhelmed by my emotions.

"I could never be the man for you." He said, fighting himself then before I could say anything, he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. "That's why it's hard."

I felt devastated and felt like crying. I didn't know exactly what he was talking about in his slurness but I also didn't want to know. Because I was afraid of his answer.

"What is hard?"

He stared into my eyes, getting lost before dropping his hand and walking out of the bar.