Chapter 10

Star felt not much better when she got out of her lawyer's office. She had nothing. No one had seen Ayanda corner her in the toilet, so she couldn't pursue blackmail charges against it. In the same respect, there was no witness to her talking about the pictures, so they couldn't do anything on that front, but they could send a lawyer's letter warning her about the consequences of writing and publishing her work. The lawyer told her that for this to hold more power, they needed to include Lucien. Star didn't want to talk to her husband about his mistress. But her lawyer was right. Somehow, she had to find the strength to ask her husband about the possibility of explicit pictures with his mistress.

Even if she had the hardiness, how would she even begin? How would she ask her husband if he took indecent images of himself with his mistress? She closed her eyes and took some controlled breaths. The thought of her husband taking naked selfies with that woman made Star feel sick. When she got to her car, she felt beaten. She felt weak. She knew Lucien made her weak. If anyone wanted to hurt her, they only had to go through her husband. She had a weak spot, and there was nothing she could do about it. At least not in the short run. In the long run, when he finally fell in love with her, she was sure he would be her strength.

When she had lunch with her husband, she couldn't keep the pain and resentment down. She was in this position because of him. Every time she looked at him, she wondered if he had relaxed enough to let his mistress take inappropriate pictures of herself with him. Starlet tortured herself by wondering how much he felt for his mistresses. When it came to Ayanda, it must not be a lot since he dropped her as soon as the news of him being with her was in the media.

Lucien noticed her odd mood and asked her what was wrong, but she dismissed him. What else was there for her to do? How could she ask him, even in the privacy of his office, if he took any pictures with his mistress? How would she listen to him talk about himself being intimate with another woman and not shatter?

You need to be stronger than this. Star mentally told herself. You need to let him know so that you can deal with this and be done with it.

But she said nothing and hurt herself more by wondering if there was another woman out there besides Ayanda who had naked pictures of her husband. The possibility made her pale. She needed to know so that if they came out in the future, she would be prepared. She needed to talk to him, but when he asked her again what was wrong, she dismissed it as a headache. She was not ready, and the office was hardly the place to have a potentially emotionally charged shouting match.

When she was alone at home, she wanted to break something. She wanted to shout, cry, yell, and throw things. She did not. That uncontrolled action would be the first crack she let form. Perfection, Star. She told herself. Seal the cracks and smooth them out. She could not sit still and do mundane things in her office, so she went to her studio and got out a mound of clay. She was in there ruthlessly shaping the clay until it cracked, and she threw it away. It helped her calm down a little. She was still furious, and the anger was in danger of bursting out in the most unseemly manner. She was angry with herself for loving Lucien. She was angry with Lucien for hurting her. She was angry with Ayanda for having the gall to approach her with demands she had no intention of honoring.

She went to change into a swimsuit and went swimming. She needed something physical to try and snuff the sparks of anger in herself before they became an inferno.

When Lucien came home Star was still in the pool. She had been in there for a couple of hours and was now just floating on her back. Her muscles were spent and she was just exhausted now. She knew what she had to do and once she had done it, it would be over. She would never have to deal with this particular issue again. When Ms Wade came to call her in for dinner she got out of the pool and shivered as the cold autumn air hit her skin. She wrapped herself in a fluffy robe and went to her room to change into normal clothes and dry her hair. When she came downstairs and joined her husband in the dining room.

"You have been acting different today," Lucien observed, "are you sure everything is fine?"

"I need to talk to you in your office later," Star told him.

Nerves danced in her body as she realized the moment was close. She was going to talk to her husband about Ayanda. Something she hated that woman for forcing her to do. She hated that Ayanda had made her do anything.

"I something wrong?" Lucien was concerned.

After a long period of ignoring her, he had to ask her that.

Yes, something is wrong! She screamed in her head only her hands' white-knuckled grip on her silverware showing her inner turmoil.

Everything is wrong! The way you have treated me for the duration of our marriage is wrong! The way I hurt is wrong!

Star dropped the knife and fork and looked at her husband.

"Star?" he asked her. "What is wrong?" he was scanning her.

The worry he shows me now… Star thought, what will it turn to if he knows I am going through because of him?

She wondered if life would be different for her if she had never fallen for this man but she could not see herself with anyone else. Lucien was the one for her. No matter how he had hurt her, she could never leave him. She loved him that much.

"I cannot talk about it now." She said as she carefully raised her head. "We need to talk."

With that, she got up and headed for his office. She was proud none of the emotion in her came out of her voice. She hoped it would stay like that. She hoped that emotions wouldn't get the best of her. She hoped she would keep calm during the talk.

When Lucien joined her a few minutes later she was sitting on the couch her leg bouncing up and down at a very fast rate. She was nervous.

Lucien came and sat next to her but she got up and took the armchair opposite the couch. She feared what she would do if her control broke while she was that close to him.

"What is wrong?" Lucien asked her again.

"Please stay over there." Star quickly voiced as he moved to get up and approach her again.

"I need distance to start this conversation." She did not mean to tell him that but it came out.

"Okay," Lucien said from the couch. "Can you tell me what is going on, now?"

"Did you take any compromising pictures with Ayanda Hill?" she asked him.

"What?" Lucien was flabbergasted. This was not the conversation he thought his wife would start.

"Is there a chance she took any while you slept?" Star asked.

"Wait a minute." Lucien needed a moment to get over his shock and catch up with what she was asking him.

"Where is this coming from?" He asked his wife who was carefully blank-faced and her body carefully arranged. She was an image of calm.

"Ayanda approached me in the washroom at the club I went to with the girls, last night," Star said. "She wants to release a picture book about her relationship with you."

"What?" Lucien did not expect that either.

"Did you willingly take any incriminating pictures with her?" Star asked him.

"No, of course not!" Lucien said in outrage.

"Is there a chance of any such pictures of you with any other woman from the time we were married?" Star asked.

"No, Star," Lucien told his wife. "I never…" He was going to explain but his wife shot him a look that told him she was not ready to have this conversation and frankly neither was he.

"Is there a possibility that there were pictures taken while you were not looking?" she enquired cutting off what he was going to say.

"No, that is not possible."

"How sure are you of that?" Starlet did not need to ask that but she did.

"A hundred percent." His face was set in angry lines.

"My lawyer needs your consent to act on your behalf and send an intent to sue if she wrote her little 'tell all'." Star made quotation marks with her hands as she got up from the couch.

"Oh, I'll do him one better and pay Miss Hill a visit," Lucien said with fury.

"You agreed to never be alone with her." Star reminded him.

"You can come along if you want." He told her inflexibly.

"Fine." Star snapped at him and left the room.

Ayanda Hill had no business going to his wife and telling her lies. She had no business breathing the same air as her wife or even approaching her. Lucien knew that this was his fault and that is what made him more furious. That blank mask hid a vulnerable woman he knew existed under that tough shell. He was the reason it was there and that tore at him. She should not need to hide from him. He had done wrong by her. He knew his initial reasons but to carry it out for two and a half years was juvenile and petty.

When she had shouted at him that he too had a hand in marrying her he could not deny it. It was true. At first, he thought her father had acted alone and he had promised she would not be caught in the crossfire. He had broken that promise. He had wanted to teach her a lesson but he had taken it too far. He knew that but he was tenacious. She had wanted him and he had made sure she never got the man she had wanted. He was aware that he had done some damage to her and he was ashamed of himself. Not that he would ever admit that.

  ***

  When Star was done talking to her husband she had gone to her bathroom. She had turned on the shower and stood in there fully clothed and just stood there. She wanted to cry but did not feel like it. She wanted to shout but was too proud to let that weakness out. She stripped out of her clothes and threw them on the floor. She let the water run on her naked body.

She wondered about Lucien's reaction to the news of the pictures. She did not doubt that there was no photo evidence of her husband cheating on her in the possession of any of his mistresses. She realized she felt lighter. She believed him.

After her lawyer had dealt with her, she hoped Ayanda Hill would never cause her problems or look in her direction again.

Starlet stepped out of the shower and began brushing her teeth. She realized she had gotten some control back and that made her mood a little less dark. She didn't have to deal with it anymore.

As she climbed into her bed, she realized her day was ending on a better note than it had started. She hoped the silver lining to her marriage would come soon. She hated the limbo she was in with her husband and wanted to be a proper couple again. She wanted the love that went two ways. As she closed her eyes and fell asleep, she prayed for her husband to love her soon. She was getting tired. She worried she could not hold on forever. She was afraid he might never love her.