Chapter 44 - Where is the evidence?

Whether or not I felt ready, the days were going to continue. With that knowledge in mind, I did my best to only continue with how I felt at present, putting all else behind me. It was a good thing sometimes to have a routine such as when it came to lessons. It took a lot off of my mind if I didn't need to decide what to be doing. In a way I was mindlessly performing what was expected of me and all other students, but sometimes I liked it that way. Having something I needed to be doing made it much easier for me as I've always been indecisive, struggling to choose how to spend my time meaningfully. Partially because I had something to do and partially because I was acting on autopilot, time was leaving me behind. I felt that it was a common occurrence at this point. I would often find the day's going by so quickly that I was unable to even register their passing. People usually say that time goes faster as you got older, was this a sign of me growing up? Probably not but it was nice to think of myself undergoing such change despite very little change in my physical appearance. As one would expect from a routine schedule, even when something was new, it didn't feel as such. There was a sense that every day was both different and yet too similar to be able to distinguish one from another. In my mind, it was only a bundle of memories that I'd struggle to pick apart as no one was particularly memorable in comparison to another. 

Much like how it was difficult to see changes on yourself because each day would bring only a slight difference, I wondered just how different I was to who I was years ago. I knew that I had changed, weren't my relationships with others clearly indicative of that? But I sometimes still struggled with the concept, fearing that all of my bad traits had remained the same. The only thing that kept me sane was the knowledge that change is constant, irrespective of whether we acknowledge or perceive it. I would chant it like a prayer, on days when I could feel myself falling back into my relatively self destructive tendencies. Amidst all of my doubts was my belief that nothing would last forever, whether good or bad. It would pass, as all things do and there was nothing to control it. At the very least, I should stop trying to control was it out of my hands and instead live in the moment. It was easier said than done but I had been doing my best for quite a while now, and I would like to think I had been getting into a habit of it. I was developing a carefree attitude towards everything and everyone. But even that couldn't remain the same when Helios was knocking at my door on a Saturday morning. I opened the door not knowing who I was expecting, except for the fact that it was definitely not him. Confusion evident in my voice, before I could even greet him, a question I couldn't contain blurted out. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, not being able to comprehend the fact that he was actually here. It felt surreal seeing him in this way, where his attention was actually on me. I had gotten used to his indifference towards me so I couldn't contain my surprise at his sudden appearance.

"I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it?" I hadn't noticed it for a few seconds but I was gripping onto the door tightly. 

"I'd rather not speak out here, can I come inside?" his movements were strange, as if he was uncomfortably awkward and cautious at the same time.

Reluctantly, I held the door open and stepped aside enough for him to be able to walk into the room. I didn't say a word, instead watching his every move. We were no longer who we were, why was he now seeking me out and so suddenly at that? My heart began beating rapidly and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to breathe. Uncertainty to a certain extent was manageable, but right now I had a feeling of dread that I couldn't ignore. He sat down on my desk chair as I sat down on the edge of my bed facing him. My entire body was rigid, strengthening it for whatever may come. I could feel my hands beginning to hurt from how tightly I was clenching them, digging my nails into my knuckles. In the heavy silence between us, all that could be heard was the ticking of the clock before he started speaking. Though perhaps it would have been better if he had remained quiet. 

"So... Yesterday I heard something that I just need to confirm." He took a deep breath before looking at me and washing any signs of emotions off of his face. 

"I have heard that you've been wandering in places you shouldn't be and plotting to harm someone." He took a break to try and read my face but I knew he wouldn't be able to see anything but confusion, because that's all there was. I was bewildered by the sudden claim.

"I couldn't ignore the accusations as it's a serious matter, but as my friend I thought it would be best to hear your side before taking any action. Is what I have said correct and if so, why?" 

"I don't - I don't understand what you're saying... Where has this come from?" My head was a mess. I was struggling to think clearly after hearing something so downright ridiculous.

"I can't give out names for obvious reasons. Just answer the questions. The more helpful you are, the better it will be for you." His face remained blank as he spoke without emotions, near enough reading off of a script.

"I have never been to places I shouldn't be? Granted I do go out often, but majority of the time I'm with friends who can provide an alibi. On the days that I am alone, I just go for a walk in quiet areas." I was speaking fast, afraid that I was being misjudged yet again.

"What areas are those?" When he said those words, I realised that this was not the Helios I once knew. sitting in front of me was a strange who no doubt believed that I was capable of harming someone. Instead of taking my claims of innocence, he was choosing to hammer down on what he believed could implicate me in something I knew nothing of.

"How would I know? I have only been here for a few months! I'm sure if you ask around, the people there will be able to tell you that all I've been doing is walking because that's the truth." Desperation was clear in my voice as I was trying to clear my name. While I had been used to having false accusations made about me, it was usually harmless rumours to worsen my reputation and social standing. I had never been the subject of such a serious allegation so this entire situation was extremely unnerving for me.

"Did you think I wouldn't have asked before coming here? There were two men who claimed that you had been looking suspicious, and when they followed you they saw you buying a vial, of what they thought to be poison, from a hooded man." The second my brain registered the word poison, it began to short-circuit.

"... What? And where would that vial be then, if I had in fact bought something? Have you never heard of innocent until proven guilty?" In anger at being unfairly accused I got up and slammed my hands on the desk he was sitting at. 

"Search my room then! See if you can find this vial you speak of!" 

"Look, I'm here to see your side of the story-"

I laughed before he could finish speaking, not because anything was funny but because of how pathetic this entire situation was. 

"You're here to ask for my side of the story? But you don't seem to be believing a single word I'm saying. It really makes me wonder who the informant was, to have to such credibility to move you. You call yourself my friend and yet you clearly don't know me well enough." 

"We have witnesses, do you understand that?" 

"Oh ~ you have witnesses. But what use is that when there's no crime? You're not so naive to think that people can't be bought with money, are you? Until you have any evidence to tie me to illegal activity of trying to harm someone, I suggest you get out of my face." 

I was about to turn away from him but my anger was reaching a new peak that I didn't think possible.

"Actually, you know what? If you won't search my room, I'll do it for you."

I couldn't stop myself, my body was in control of me rather than I in control of it. Frustrated with everything, I was lifting and tossing every piece of furniture in the room, turning the entire place upside down while he just stood and watched in shock. I was ripping the sheets off my bed, flipping through every book and box in the room, throwing piles upon piles of clothes on the floor until everything was a mess in the centre of the room. There was no space to move and it looked like I had been ransacked. Even though I had already left no stone unturned, I continued to go through the same pieces of clothing and boxes again and again until he put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. 

"Don't touch me!" I smacked his hand away from me. "Look around Your Highness, where is this vial?! Come on, search with me if you suspect me so much!" 

He let out a heavy sigh. "You must understand why I'm doing this. I can't just take something like this lightly. It doesn't matter if it's you or anyone else, it's my duty to ensure everyone's safety."

"I presume it's also your duty to act according to your wishes instead of following protocol then? If you cared so much about your people, you'd actually learn how to use that thing in your skull. You are one of the highest with regards to authority. Did you not think to use your father's investigators to find out the truth before rushing in here with nothing but a few words to justify yourself?" I was beyond frustrated at this point, laughing at myself because there was nothing else to do. I pushed my hair back out of my face aggressively, incapable of controlling my strength at this time.

"It's incredible. You have the most intellectual team supporting your family and yet you don't even know how to use them. For them, figuring out whether the accusation is true or not is mere child's play, and yet here you are. There must have been some part of you that believed it to be true, why else would you be behaving in this way?"

At my words he appeared utterly stunned. His face was clearly telling me that he hadn't even thought of the idea of asking his father's men to investigate the situation. To think that this man would be the emperor one day, when he couldn't even keep his emotions from interfering with his duty... it's sickening.

"It seems you're done here. I suggest you go back and properly fulfill your duty rather than wasting my time unnecessarily. You know where the door is; I won't be seeing you out." I didn't even want to look at him at this moment in time, so I turned away and began picking up everything I had thrown about. I waited until I heard my door open and shut before I allowed myself to sink down onto the floor and express my vulnerability. I was so damn tired of always being the target for everything. I couldn't see properly through my tear filled eyes but I kept angrily wiping at them and pushing them back while cleaning. There was nothing gentle about the way that I was handling my belongs when trying to bring order back into my room, but I didn't feel like being gentle anyway. I was tired, angry, upset, and everything in between. It was a terrible start to the day, there was nothing else to say about it.

Time remaining: 10 days