Chapter 45 - The beginning of the end

The following day I was unable to put my mind to anything. It was a Sunday that many people enjoyed and yet I could not partake in such satisfaction. I was gripped by the anxiety that I would be returning to the academy and become hated. My mind was always catastrophic. In my past life I would avoid missing school because of the irrational fear that in the time I did not attend, I would become the public enemy. The same fear held me hostage, especially considering being accused of conspiracy to murder is undoubtedly much more severe than missing a day for whatever reason. Needless to say, despite my mind constantly blowing things out of proportion, I knew that all of my previous irrationalities were now rational. It wouldn't be entirely inconceivable to find myself hated by everyone the following day.

I was dreading going in with my entire being, and yet I feared avoiding it and potentially missing the chance to speak up for myself should the need arise. As I was becoming more and more afraid, with countless hypothetical situations running around in my mind, I could feel myself becoming physically weaker. My anxiety was getting in the way of my body functioning properly. I felt so sick that it hurt. It was rising and rising but I couldn't push it down; the feeling was lodged in my throat and I near suffocated on it. I was so busy feeling like absolute shit that I didn't have time to do anything. The entire day had passed in a blur. In being so occupied in my own mind, I struggled to make sure I was eating or sleeping an adequate amount. I knew nothing except that I felt like I was on the edge of a very steep cliff. 

Monday had finally come and I would need to face all of my worries whether or not I wanted to. I couldn't put it off forever so I might as well get everything over and done with. I found myself trying to recall specific events in the game to see where there might be similarities. I had done my best to steer off course and so had rarely been thinking about it all that much, but now there was a real cause for concern. Persephone was to poison Elina in a fight for Theodore. Things were different now as I was no longer vying for his attention. We were friends but not more than that, and I would rather keep it that way. I should have felt confident in my safety based simply on that, and yet why was poison being tied to my name yet again? Though I had done nothing I felt like I was being pushed into the role I was born to fulfill. There were invisible hands guiding me towards my end and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't help but worry that one day I would wake up and no longer be in control of my body. What if another entity was beneath my skin, lying in wait for its opportunity to awaken? What if it would commit cruel acts towards those I loved, in order to force me into submission and into the position of a villainess?

I was terrified and yet I had no one to turn to. No one would be able to understand the situation I was in unless I informed them of everything, which I simply could not do. I had to choose between the comfort of those around me or myself, and it didn't even take a moment of thought to come to the conclusion that I would prioritise my friends. Under no circumstances would I tell them of what this world is, as I knew it would only pain them. I had lived long enough with pain, I could do it again. Pushing myself to the brink was something I had become accustomed to so it wasn't all that difficult. Although I say that, I knew it wouldn't lessen my present suffering. Perhaps I was trying to justify it to myself, downplay it in a way that might perhaps give me hope for survival. I had lived through so much, and I would continue to live. Hopefully.

I steeled myself before entering the gates. When my foot would cross the boundary between the outside world and that which confines me, there would be no turning back. I should have known that I couldn't have continued to fly high. A peak would always be followed by a drop. I couldn't stay up there forever, as gravity would always make me plummet back to reality. I was bound to lose this happiness I was working hard to maintain. I wanted to forget it all, and live my life as usual, but my mind wouldn't allow me to do so. I should've been content with the fact that Helios was working to find out the truth, without spreading any unfounded opinions. No one but him, the informant and I, knew about the situation. Despite that, I couldn't fight the feeling that somehow everyone knew about it and was against me. I had a tendency to view myself as being persecuted by those around me, and that's something that apparently hasn't changed. I thought I had grown out of it but evidently not. As I took my steps into the academy, I was feeling nauseous. My emotions were threatening to escape through my throat. It definitely didn't help that I felt as though everyone was judging me, sizing me up to see whether I am someone despicable enough to fit such a crime. No matter how I thought about it, none of my actions, whether exaggerated by rumours or not, were severe enough to indicate that I was trying to murder someone. It wasn't as though everyone who had ever felt angry was capable of doing that. If it was, then anyone could be implicated. 

Putting all technicalities aside, I had to push through. The more inconspicuously I behaved, the more guilty I would look in the eyes of the spectators. Outwardly I was going about my day as I had any other, but on the inside I was a ball of insecurities. Like that, my day was extremely tiresome. Normally I would complain about how fast the day was going but today it wouldn't finish fast enough. The day was stretching for miles and miles; it felt so long that I wondered whether time had existed before this very moment. Until now I had never understood just how long each second was, how many thoughts I could think within that brief moment and how painful it was to be able to do nothing but wait patiently.

Everyone was behaving as usual. No one seemed to be any more averse to my presence than they previously had been. All evidence pointed to the fact that I was in the clear but I still felt like I was under a microscope, ready to be picked apart for any mistake. It was daunting, the world which my mind created, wherein I was always the main act of the freak show. In the silent atmosphere of the classroom my insecurities kept laughing at me, telling me about how everyone knew exactly who I was. I inexplicably felt like everyone knew me more than I knew myself. A part of me was always worried that I might have done things without my own knowledge. Just as I tend to forget things fairly often, what if the accusations were actually true? What if I had bought something to harm an individual but had entirely forgotten about it? The chances were slim but it would never be entirely impossible. In the face of I who remembered that this entire world is set within a game, was the possibility of me acting without my will or awareness not much more plausible than this reality I was currently living in? 

The entire day consisted of me walking on eggshells around those I should have felt comfortable around. it definitely wasn't an ideal situation but I could do nothing about it. Everyone was going about their day as usual, just as I appeared to have been doing. They remained unaware of the dangers I was facing. The only person who I knew was able to understand the storm taking place within me was Helios. After Saturday, neither of us had spoken to each other. Just as he continued to watch me, I continued to watch him. It felt like our relationship had broken beyond repair. We could never go back to what we had because all faith in one another had been lost. Without trust, what did either of us have? It was one of the only things that would keep us going. When we would lose everything, all that would remain was faith in others and hope for a better future. The damage had been done and at least in my eyes, he had picked his side. With how quick he was to take action and jump on the bandwagon against me, he was no less than a perpetrator in my eyes. Long gone were the days where he would be there to wipe the tears off of my cheeks, now he was the one making me cry. All that remained of us were memories that did nothing but make me feel bitter towards him.

As my mind continued to yell profanities at me, the night had become day and the worst was soon to come. Today would either make or break me, and there was no way for me to know which of the two would hold true. My stomach continued to sink as I got ready and headed out towards the academy. I was earlier than most people but I didn't want to stay in my room any longer. I had spent all night unable to sleep, and now my room felt like a cage. I felt a need to get out of there to protect my sanity. With quick and heavy breaths I took my seat and waited. I waited and waited until I thought I was at my wit's end, and then I waited some more. Finally, classes had begun.

My mind was just as rowdy as it had been yesterday. I was struggling to even pretend to pay attention to anything the teacher was saying, physically flinching at the thoughts that were running in my mind. With every single action, I did my best to be mindful. It was difficult to keep track of every single movement, every place I went and every thought I had. Humans weren't made well enough to be able to withstand such mental strain. We were beings who could use our previous experiences and expectations to avoid needing to approach every situation as if it was the first time. But today, I could not do any of those. I needed to notice every single thing about me, afraid that I'd act in a way that wasn't in accordance with my will. It was killing me slowly. Not only had I gotten no sleep, I was constantly trying to use my mind and never allowing it to rest, not even for a second.

For the entirety of the lessons I was in a long state of panic that I'd somehow managed to swallow down to avoid the attention of others. As lunch came, I asked all of my friends to join us. It was strange but I somehow became afraid of myself. I couldn't help but think that they should be here to stop me should I do anything harmful. It was so beyond pitiful how terrified I was of myself, just because of something an unknown person had said about me. It might have been better for Helios to not have told me at all but there were no ifs, buts and maybes right now. I couldn't change the present, so I had to deal with it head on.

Everyone was engaged in conversation but I felt detached from it all. Their voices sounded so distant that I couldn't make out a single word. Even as I looked at them, some part of them appeared unfamiliar to me. It was as though today was the first time I was seeing them. I kept my head down, eating regardless of the fact that I knew I would end up throwing it back up. I ate just to have something to do, just to avoid facing any of them. When I thought that I had escaped and could go back to classes and be away from them, my nightmare had come to fruition. I heard Elina coughing and when I looked up, blood was splattered in front of her.

It was a sight I would never forget, the red staining her in a way that seemed to contradict every law of nature. How could someone so pure look like this? Her eyes were full of fear and confusion as she looked to me for help, but I could do nothing. I was afraid, maybe even more than her. I was afraid in a way that no one could understood. It kept me rooted to my seat, so all I could do was watch this tragedy play out before me. Everyone was frantically running to her side, yelling at her to stay conscious and shouting for any doctors or nurses to come to the scene. Everything seemed to be both slow and fast. It was never ending, this moment etched in my mind, but the people around her were moving faster than I could register. Against my will I felt Adelphos taking me with him, telling me something that I couldn't decipher. I had held on for too long and it had taken a toll on me, as I was walking with him I felt all consciousness fading into nothingness.

As I woke up after however long, I turned to my right and saw Elina laying on the next bed over. It was hard to see her properly in my still groggy state, but there was no way I wouldn't be able to recognise her. I held her too close to my heart for slight blurriness to interfere with us. We must have been at the infirmary together. She was awake, looking at me with a smile on her face. She seemed happy that I was okay and that broke me. Though I knew all of our friends were surrounding us, I couldn't see anyone but her, or rather I refused to see anyone but her. I began sobbing like a child, finally aware of how scared I was of losing her, of losing someone I loved yet again. I couldn't contain my emotions any longer as they began to gush out of me and flood the entire room. My cries were the only thing that could be heard as I crawled into a ball hoping, praying, that it would all be over now. I just wanted us all to be safe now. Was that too much to ask for?

Time remaining: 7 days