93. Back Out There

Back Out There

[Royal Woods Elementary School. School bell rings, children are playing dodgeball in gym class.]

Zach: Man I hate dodgeball!

[Zach tries to avoid incoming balls, when Girl Jordan and other classmates are running around.]

Lincoln: [dodging incoming ball] Me too!

Clyde: [dodging incoming ball] It's the worst!

Liam: I'd rather milk an ornery cow!

Rusty: Chill out, guys! Just like we practiced. [takes a pose] Snake formation!

[Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam hide behind Rusty.]

Rusty: So, we're all chilling at my place again today? Left!

[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move left, dodging incoming ball.]

Zach: Sure. Oh! We can make another popcorn pizza!

Rusty: Right!

[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move right, dodging incoming ball.]

Lincoln: Sorry, guys!

Rusty: Left!

Lincoln: I can't make it.

Rusty: Right!

Clyde: Lincoln, you haven't hung out with us for all week!

Lincoln: I know. I've just had this thing to take care of.

[whistle blows]

Lincoln: [running to the exit door] Have fun guys! Catch ya later! [gets hit in face by a ball] Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew! [leaves]

Clyde: You know, I'm worried about Lincoln. It isn't like him to not want to hang out.

Zach: [Gasp] You think maybe an alien has taken over his body?

Rusty: That would explain the white hair.

Clyde: Guys! It's not an alien. Lincoln and I have a signal for that if that happens.

Liam: Well, something ain't right!

Clyde: We're Lincoln's friends and we have to do something.

Liam: Respect his privacy?

Clyde: No, we are totally going to spy on him and find out what's going on! [gets hit by a ball] Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!

[Scene cuts to what was once the Santiagos' house, where Lincoln is sitting on his bike observed by his friends.]

Rusty: Ronnie Anne's old house? This is where he's been coming everyday?

Zach: Doesn't he know she moved?

Clyde: I think I know what's going on here.

[They all duck into the shrub.]

Clyde: Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB.

Zach: Peanut Butter Breath?

Clyde: No.

Rusty: Pale Boy Bangs?

Clyde: No.

Liam: Polybrominated Biphenyls.

Clyde: No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her. [takes out some pamphlets] I learned all about it in the pamphlets I collected in Dr. Lopez's Waiting Room.

Zach: So, what do we do? Should we talk to him about it?

Clyde: No! The pamphlet says that will just send him into a denial spiral. The only way to reverse PBB and get closure is to distract her from thinking about Ronnie Anne by using a three step process called BBP. But first, the brochure also says that it helps to cure the person's PBB with support from a relative of a parential guardian. And I think I know just the realtive...

[Scene cut to Laney was walking home from school until she was stopped by Clyde and the boys]

Laney: Oh, hey Clyde. Can I help you?

Clyde: Yes you can, Laney. You see, your brother is suffering from PBB.

Laney: [Gasps] Not Peanut Butter Breath!

Clyde: No, Post Breakup Blues. We've noticed him feeling obsessed over Ronnie Anne since she moved away.

Laney: He wasn't feeling obsessed after our trip to the city. Maybe he does kinda miss her. Could he really be crushing over Ronnie Anne?

Clyde: That's what we're worried about.

Laney: Well, have you tried talking to him.

Clyde: No! That would send him in a denial spiral! That's we need your help. To support Lincoln and help him forget about Ronnie Anne. And with our BBP.

Laney: Okay, so what do we need to do.

Clyde: Simple, Laney. We'll start with the first B as in "Boys Night Out".

Laney: Uh technically, it's not much of a Boys night out if it also includes a girl.

Clyde: Hm. You're right. Okay then, we'll make it a "Kids Night Out" then.

Liam: [raises hand] Oh! My meemaw said I have to be home before dark.

[Lincoln is hanging out with his friends and his sister.]

Lincoln: A kids afternoon out sounds great, guys! What brought this on?

Liam: Your PBB.

Lincoln: [confused] My what?

Zach: [shuts Liam up] Uh...your Pale Boy Bangs. They're so pretty, the world needs to see 'em!

Lincoln: Laney, I don't understand why you're here.

Laney: Uh.. What? Do I need an excuse to hang out with my favorite brother? [Smiles nervously]

Rusty: [grabs Lincoln] Come on, Lincoln! First thing this kids' afternoon out needs is some new threads. [pushes Lincoln into the tailor shop Duds for Dudes.] My dad said he'd hook us up.

[Inside the shop, the boys come out of their dressing booths and are wearing matching white tuxes.]

Mr. Spokes: Now there's five happenin' cats! You're gonna be fighting off the ladies with a stick!

Liam: Aw, dang. I didn't bring my stick.

Laney: You guys do look sharp in those suits.

Rusty: Oh, liking what you see here huh?

Laney: Oy, vey...

Mr. Spokes: See? It's workin' already!

[The boys each pass by Rusty's dad and give him a high-five.]

Clyde: Yeah, thanks.

Lincoln: These are great!

Rusty: Thanks again, dad!

Mr. Spokes: Now, you kids have fun. Make sure to return the suits by tonight, and don't get a single spot on 'em... [threateningly] ...OR YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH! [calmly] Have fun!

[Rusty gulps nervously and the others are outside the shop planning.]

Zach: Anyone else feel like havin' buffalo wings?

Clyde: And nachos!

Lincoln: Chili fries!

Laney: I can go for some pizza.

Liam: Darn tootin'!

[They all head off and leave Rusty behind.]

Rusty: [worried] Uh, guys?

[The boys are hanging out at Gus' Games and Grub and eating some messy food while keeping their suits clean.]

Rusty: [scared] Careful, guys! Zach, napkin! [gives Zach said napkin] Lincoln, watch that sauce! [gives Lincoln a napkin]

Zach: [whispers to Clyde] It's working. He looks happy.

[Their waitress comes up]

Waitress: Let me tell you guys about our dessert specials. We've got the heart-shaped cookie, the lovers' sundae for two, and the tira-miss-you! [giggles]

Laney: Mmm. The heart shaped cookie sound nice.

Clyde: [frantically pushing the waitress away] Nobody wants desserts!

[The others except Lincoln and Laney get up.]

Lincoln: But, I wanted dessert...

Clyde: [grabs Lincoln] Let's play Dance Dance Revolution! [notices a couple playing on the game machine while holding hands and having hearts in their eyes.] Never mind.

Zach: [covers Lincoln's eyes] Let's just watch some TV.

[On the TV there's a wrestling match with two burly wrestlers tugging on a scrawny wrestler.]

Clyde: Uh-oh. Those are Ronnie Anne's favorite tag-team wrestlers: Payne and Suffering.

Laney: I didn't know Ronnie Anne liked wrestling.

Liam: Uh, this place is lame. Who's up for a kids day out music montage? [takes Lincoln out]

[The montage begins with the boys and Laney going to a barbershop and getting their hair down. Then a limo comes by and takes them all for a ride as they pick out the sunroof and cheer. Next, they go to a rock climbing emporium, and then an indoor go-kart race course. After that, they go to an arts and crafts studio where Lincoln, Laney, Clyde, Zach and Liam make some pottery while Rusty wears a smock to keep his suit from getting dirty. Finally, they go to the pier and get their caricatures taken.]

Laney: Boy, it sure was nice hanging out with you boys.

Lincoln: Yeah, this kids day out was awesome!

Clyde: That's great to hear, Lincoln. [unsure] Would you say you feel- [looks in his pamphlet quickly] -a sense of closure and more optimistic about the future?

Lincoln: [thinking] Um, that's pretty specific, but...yeah, I guess.

[His eye twitches while his friends smile at each other. His watch then starts beeping.]

Lincoln: [looking at the time] Whoops! Sorry, guys. I have to go take care of that thing again. [runs off]

Zach: Ugh! I can't believe it!

Rusty: So much for closure.

[Back at the former home of the Santiagos, same set up as last time.]

Zach: He's back at Ronnie Anne's.

Liam: Ooh-wee, he got it bad for that gal.

Laney: I don't get it. He's just standing in front Ronnie Anne's old house.

Clyde: That's just it, Laney! He's so obessed about Ronnie Anne leaving that he keeps sitting in by her old house because that was the only thing he has left that reminds him of her!

Laney: Wow. I knew he liked Ronnie Anne but not this much. Are you sure we shouldn't just talk to him?

[They duck down again]

Clyde: No! Remember! Denial spiral! Don't worry. The pamphlet says this can happen. If the first B in BBP doesn't work, you just move onto the second B: Beautiful Ladies.

[They hop out of the shrub.]

Rusty: That's my favorite B.

Laney: Where are gonna find these beautiful ladies?

Zach: We know a few people.

[A bus's horn blares through the air. Rusty notices it and a mud puddle right next to them.]

Rusty: [panicking] Guys, protect the suits! Snake formation!

[They get into formation and Rusty shields them all with an umbrella so the mud doesn't get on the suits as the bus drives by.]

Rusty: [victorious] Ha! You can't beat the Rust Man that easily! [suddenly, he and the others get pooped on by birds]

Laney: They just did.

Rusty: [distraught] NOOOOOOO!

[The mall]

Rusty: [frantic] Oh man. What am I gonna tell my dad about those suits?

Liam: Aw, don't worry. You can get bird poop out. It's donkey poop you gotta worry about.

Clyde: [notices the target] Here comes Lincoln. We're all clear about what to do?

[The others nod]

Lincoln: Hey, guys.

Clyde: Hey, buddy! You took care of your...thing?

Lincoln: Yep. [highfives Clyde]

[The others squint slyly to each other.]

Clyde: [nudging his best friend's shoulder] Glad you could hang out some more.

Liam: [acting and looking through the mall's comic book store's window.] I declare, Zach, isn't that your friend Renee in yonder comic book store?

Zach: [acting] You are right, Liam. She is probably there because she is a huge Ace Savvy fan.

Rusty: [acting] Hey, Lincoln, you're a huge Ace Savvy fan, too. You should go talk to her.

Lincoln: I don't-

[Clyde grabs Lincoln and shoves him into the comic book shop. The boys give each other a thumbsup.]

[Inside the comic store, Lincoln is talking to Renee.]

Lincoln: It's so cool to meet someone who loves Ace as much as I do!

Renee: Same here.

[They both notice a rare Ace Savvy comic.]

Lincoln: Whoa! Is that the limited edition Christmas issue with the variant cover?

Renee: "Deck the Halls"? I've been looking for that forever!

Lincoln: Me too!

Lincoln and Renee: It's the only copy. [start fighting over it] GIVE IT! IT'S MINE!

[The boys are watching the struggle through the window.]

Laney: You think that with so much in common they'd learn to share. Clearly whoever said that hasn't met my family.

Clyde: Looks like we're gonna need another beautiful lady. [A punch is heard off-screen.] And an ice pack.

[In a dark theater, a girl with braces is watching a movie. The boys enter the theater.]

Clyde: [acting] Hey, Liam, isn't that your cousin, Hattie?

Liam: [acting] Tar-r-rnation! I didn't see her horse parked outside. Lincoln, you should sit next to her. She's a bigger sci-fi fan than you are. [drags Lincoln over to Hattie]

Hattie: Ooooh! My, my, how do? I'm Hattie. [Gestures her hand for a handshake.]

[One of the theater attendants hushes Hattie.]

Lincoln: [shakes Hattie's hand] I'm Lincoln.

Hattie: [sticks her feet up a seat] You done seen this picture before? Oooh! I love the part where the alien becomes human!

Audience: Boo!

Lincoln: [annoyed] Kind of a spoiler.

Hattie: That ain't nothing. Turns out the whole thing's just a dream!

[The audience starts groaning and complaining and throwing their food at her and Lincoln, who facepalms.]

Theater Attendant: She did NOT say that!

[The gang regroups outside]

Laney: Do you guys know any girls who aren't possesive or spoiler giving?

Clyde: Rusty, you must know some beautiful ladies.

Rusty: [uneasy] Well, you know...

Zach: [doubting] Yeah. You're always bragging about what a ladies' man you are.

Rusty: [nervous] It's tough on such short notice-

Liam: [beggin] Come on, man! It's for Lincoln!

Rusty: [giving in] Uh, sure. I can make a call.

[Sometime later]

Rusty: Ah. Here comes the lovely lady now.

[Enter an old lady]

Tina: Hello, Rusty. I'm very excited to meet this white-haired gentleman you told me about.

Clyde: [drags Rusty aside; disciplinary] Rusty, who is that?!

Rusty: [sweating] Uh...my piano teacher?

[The others look at him in complete shock and dismay.]

Rusty: Guys, give me a break! I've been going through a bit of a dry spell.

Laney: A LONG dry spell if you ask me.

Liam: Laney, you're a girl. I'm sure you know some gal pals that would love to hang out with your brother.

Laney: Um, well I do have one. But I don't think she'll be interested...

Clyde: Come on, Laney! Do it for Lincoln!

Laney: [sighs] Well, alright...

[Cut to later at the food court Karla was sitting at a table]

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Where are you taking me?

Laney: I just noticed that you're a little famished after that rough day. So I'm treating you some lunch. [Acting] Oh, look! It's my friend Karla from school. [The boys give her a thumbs up; continues acting] You should go talk to her! [Takes Lincoln to the table and walks]

Karla: Oh, hey Laney. Hey, Lincoln.

Laney: Hi, Karla. Nice to see that you came. Yeah, I was hoping you and Lincoln would get acquainted with each other. I'll leave you two to caht. [leaves]

Karla: So Lincoln, how are your sisters holding up?

Lincoln: Uh, they're doing great. Luna's rehearsing for a rock show at her high school, Lola's preparing for paegant week. It's pretty busy down at my place.

Karla: Boy, I'm lucky I only have one sibling.

Lincoln: You do?

Karla: Yeah. He's actually here right now. [A dark haired boy with glasses, wearing a blue striped shirt and white pants appears next to Karla] Lincoln, meet my twin brother, Quentin.

Quentin: [Shakes Lincoln's hand] Wow, you must be Lincoln Loud, the only brother with 10 sisters. I heard so much about you, it must be tough living with such a big family. I can imagine the bathroom lines!

Lincoln: Yeah, It can be pretty crazy there.

Karla: You're telling me. Last time I visited, I was hit with a football!

Quentin: Ooh, sports injury. It kinda reminds me of a movie I saw once. A guy got a soccer ball right in his teabags!

Karla: Oh, that was hilarious. [While the two were chatting like crazy, Lincoln feeling uncomfortable walked away]

Clyde: Laney, what's going on? I thought you said your friend would be great for Lincoln.

Laney: Well, I thought he would have so much in common since she has a sibling of her own. But I might have forgotten that she can be a bit chatty sometimes.

Rusty: Sometimes?

Zach: [sighs] What are we gonna do, guys? Nothing seems to be working.

Laney: Maybe we should try talking to him?

[Clyde looks over to the local karate dojo and sees a girl practicing in there.]

Karate Girl: Hi- [kicks a training bag] YAH!

Clyde: Wait a minute, guys! Maybe instead of meeting someone who likes the same things as Lincoln, he needs to meet someone who likes the same things as Ronnie Anne.

[The girl keeps bashing on the training bag with her techniques while wailing a battle cry.]

Zach: Ooooh! Good thinking, man!

Rusty: You should write your own pamphlets, dawg!

Laney: Are you sure you know what Ronnie Anne likes?

Clyde: Of course, Laney. We all know how much of an experienced fighter Ronnie Anne is. She's perfect!

[Lincoln appears]

Lincoln: Ugh! I thought I'd never escape from there! Not to be rude about your friend, Laney. But I almost got my ear talked off!

Clyde: [takes Lincoln to the dojo] Hey, we were thinking about doing some group karate. [leaves]

Lincoln: Uh, guys? I thought you said "group".

Karate Girl: [notices Lincoln] Oh. Did you want to spar?

Lincoln: No. Uh, that's-

[The girl bows and starts sparring with and beating up Lincoln while the others watch.]

Zach: Uh...I don't think beautiful girls is doing the trick.

Karate Girl: HI-YAH! [hits Lincoln again]

Clyde: Well, in that case, it's time to move onto the final letter of BBP: P for Paradise. The pamphlet says Tahiti and Hawaii are good options.

Karate Girl: WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH!

Laney: Uh, that sounds a little expensive don't you think?

[The boys check their pockets and find that they have no money.]

Rusty: She's right. Sounds a little out of our budget.

[The boys are now sending a battered Lincoln away on a vacation.]

Lincoln: [reading his ticket] Hazeltucky Motel and Water Park.

Liam: Yep. Three days in paradise. We even packed your bag.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, I appreciate the thought, but why are you doing this?

Laney: I'll explain. Lincoln, your friends here think you have PBB.

Lincoln: [worried] I have Peanut Butter Breath, and no one told me?!

Clyde: No. Post Breakup Blues. We know Ronnie Anne broke your heart when she moved away, and we're trying to help you put the pieces back together.

Liam: Yeah. We seen you standing outside her house, lookin' like a cat who done lost his saucer.

Lincoln: [holding back laughter] Oh, man, that's what this is all about? Guys, you got it all wrong. I don't miss Ronnie Anne.

Laney: You don't?

Clyde: Don't fall for it, Laney. It's the denial spiral.

Lincoln: No, seriously, I was only sitting in front of her house because-

Bus Driver: All aboard!

[The boys shove Lincoln onto the bus and it leaves with him. Lincoln starts yelling at them but no sound comes through the back window.]

Laney: Guys! Lincoln is not crazy about Ronnie Anne! I'm pretty sure he was trying to tell us something else! I told you we should've just talked to him!

Clyde: Laney, Laney, Laney. You're just upset about your brother's problem. Don't worry, he'll be just fine.

Zach: Yeah. I just hope he knows how lucky he is to have friends like us. [Laney groans]

[Just then, they notice Lincoln's phone on the ground vibrating.]

Clyde: [picks phone up] Huh. Lincoln must have dropped his phone. [sees who's calling] Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him?

Laney: Tormenting him? Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

Clyde: I'll handle this. [answers] Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend.

Ronnie Anne: I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?

Clyde: You need to leave him alone!

Rusty: Yeah! He needs space to get over you!

Ronnie Anne: Get over me?

Zach: Yeah. Since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house everyday.

Ronnie Anne: Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there!

Clyde: How's that now?

Laney: So that's why he's always at her house!

Clyde, Rusty, Liam, and Zach: [guilty] Uh-oh...

Clyde: We have to stop that bus!

Rusty: Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!

[The boys get into position and charge after the bus while wailing. Laney picks up Lincoln's phone]

Laney: Hey, Ronnie Anne.

Ronnie Anne: Laney? What's going on? Did the guys do something stupid again?

Laney: Stupid would be an understatement in this case...

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln and Laney are talking to Ronnie Anne on video chat in his room.]

Ronnie Anne: I'm glad they caught you in time.

Lincoln: Yeah. I've never seen Clyde run that fast. He actually threw up.

Ronnie Anne: You must've been furious with them for putting you through all of that.

Lincoln: Nah. They were just trying to be good friends.

Laney: Besides, I think they're already punished enough.

[Back at Duds for Dudes, the boys are cleaning the suits that got pooped on by Mr. Spokes' order.]

Rusty: [devastated] Man, this bird poop isn't coming out.

Liam: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's donkey poop that comes out easy and it's that dang bird poop that you gotta worry about.

[Back to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne's chat.]

Laney: I'm sorry you had to go through all of that nonsense today. I guess it was kinda silly to think you actually miss Ronnie Anne like a girlfriend. I mean, the last thing I want is another "Lori and Bobby" couple.

Ronnie Anne: [Laughs] You got that right.

Lincoln: Well, the good news is, your package finally arrived! [holds it up]

Ronnie Anne: Cool! Hey, could you open it for me? I wanna make sure it's not damaged.

[Lincoln opens the box, and a pie splats over his face. Ronnie Anne and Laney laugh while Lincoln scowls.]

Ronnie Anne: [still laughing] Oh, man. That cost me 25 bucks, but it was so worth it. Smell ya later, lame-o. [signs off]

Laney: [Still laughing] Classic Ronnie Anne! [leaves Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [cleaning himself off, irritated] Ugh! Ronnie Anne! [stops and realizes] Ha! I guess the guys were right. I really do miss her. [smiles confidently]