20. House Music

House Music

Lincoln: Guys! We gotta figure out something! The Family Fun Fair is tonight, and we've got nothing for the talent show.

Lynn: [raises her hand] I know! How about a family trapeze act?

Lisa: Just because you fractured every bone from your maxilla to your metatarsals doesn't mean we want to.

Lola: I know! How about a family beauty pageant? [beat] Never mind. That would take years to prepare for. [Laney raises her hand]

Lincoln: Yes, Laney?

Laney: Maybe we shoud do an art show. I'd like to see what you guys are gonna make.

Lucy: Good idea. I can finally show this off. [holds out a painting of a dead bird rising out of the grave] I call it: "Opression". [everyone was disturbed by Lucy's piece]

Lincoln: Okay... Anyone else?

Lana: I say we wrestle alligators! [lunges at Lincoln and pins him down]

Lincoln: [gets her off] Lana, that's a terrible idea!

Lana: You're right... [gets out a lasso] Calf roping is much better! [lassos and hogties Lincoln]

Lincoln: We need something we can all do.

Lynn: Then let's do my idea!

Luan: No! My idea!

Leni: No! Mine!

Lori:No way.

[Lily, Lisa, Lola, Lana, Lucy, Lynn, Luan, Leni, and Lori start fighting over which act they should do and Luna stops them with a power chord]

Luna: I've got the answer! Let's start a family band!

Lori: But we literally have no musical talent.

Luan: Yeah. I couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle. [laughs to rimshot]

Laney: And I never tried a musical instrument berfore.

Luna: As my idol Mick Swagger says, "Rock and roll isn't about being the best. It's about having fun." NOW WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN?!

[Her sisters cheer in agreement and they head on off, but Lincoln is still hogtied to the floor]

Lincoln: Uh...guys? A little help?

Laney: I got it. [walks up to her brother and unties him]

Every sibling gathered in the garage and practiced their music. And as expected, sounds lousy and noisy. Except for Laney of course who played a saxophone well, but it's kinda hard to hear with all the racket playing in the background.

[Lynn Sr. comes in with a rake.]

Lynn Sr.: [feeling tormented] AGH! WHAT IS THAT HORRIFIC SOUND!? Is the cat fighting the possum again?

Lincoln: No, Dad! It's us. We're starting a family band!

Lynn Sr.: Oh oh! You know, your old man used to be in a band. Although, it ended on a...on a sour note.

[Flashback to their father's college days where he's part of a heavy metal band and playing a cowbell which does not fit the genre]

Band Members: [over his cowbell] Dude! Dude! DUDE! You're out of the band.

[Lynn Sr. breaks down crying and leaves the dorm. End flashback and he's still upset over those days.]

Loud Kids: [sympathetic] Aww...

Laney: Well, you can join our band, dad.

[The kids encourage their father to join them]

Lynn Sr.: Well...if you all insist. [rips off his shirt and reveals his old band uniform underneath] KA-POW! [starts playing his cowbell while getting jiggy with it as his kids stare at him awkwardly] WOO! HA HA!

Laney: I think I know why dad's band kicked him out...

Lisa: I sincerely hope that's not contagious.

Luna: [with a score sheet] All right, dudes, let's try busting out this jam. It's called Plastic Bag Blown Through The Gutter Of Life. Lyrics by Lucy... [Lucy takes a bow] ...music by yours truly. One, two! One, two, three, four!

[They all start practicing and Charles howls]

Luna: Dudes! Charles wants to sing lead! [brings the dog in to howl as the lead singer and suddenly gets a call from her roadie Chunk] Yo, Chunk! ... What's that? I can't hear you! Hold on a sec! [puts Charles down and turns to her siblings] You guys! Keep practicing! And remember, it's not about being the best, it's all about having fun! [heads out to hear Chunk's news]

Chunk: 'Oy! Have you heard, mate? Mick Swagger's in town! He's gonna be scoutin' for local talent at the Family Fun Fair!

Luna: [speechless] Mick...in town? This could be my big break, man!

[Luna suddenly has a fantasy]

Mick Swagger: And now, I'd like to introduce the greatest musical discovery of my 40 year career: LUNA LOUD!

[Luna starts rocking out as the crowd cheers for her.]

Crowd: LUNA! LUNA! LUNA!

[End fantasy.]

Chunk: Luna!

Luna: [snaps out of it] Thanks for the call, brah. I've got work to do. [hangs up and turns to her family not exactly worthy of Mick] A lot of work. [to her family] Okay, people, from the top! This time, let's try to step it up a notch!

Leni: [raises her hand] Um...I...I don't have an instrument. What should I play?

Luna: Hm...why don't you sing backup?

[Leni eagerly nods]

Luna: Alright, Louds! One, two, three!

[The family starts playing]

Leni: [singing] Backup backup backup~!

Luna: No no no no. Leni, you don't actually sing the words "Backup". You sing what's on the page.

Leni: Oh. Got it! [singing] What's on the page! What's on the page! What's on the pa-haaaaaage~!

[Lynn Sr. is still doing his thing with his cowbell]

Luna: Uh...rockin', Dad. Could you just dial it back a bit?

[Lynn tries blowing into her tuba to no avail]

Lynn: [frustrated] Can't get this tuba to work.

[Luna shakes it and blows into it to reveal that Geo got stuck in there. The little hamster lands in Lucy's pipe organ]

Luna: GEO! [presses down on organ keys and gets Geo out]

[Geo's hamster ball bonks Lori on the head. She drops her music sheet and Luan plays her whoopee cushion as the oldest sister bends over to pick it up]

Luan: Nice tootin', sis!

Luna: Guys, can we focus, please? We need to- [notices her Dad still jamming] Dad! Dad! [turns to Lincoln on cello] That's it, bro! You got it! [turns to Laney on saxophone] Smooth sounds, Lanes! [turns to her father] Dad!

[Lincoln puts on some cool shades and accidentally twirls his cello so hard it spins out of control]

Lincoln: Oops!

[The cello plows over Lana's paint cans for drums which roll off and carry Lisa, Lola, and Lynn around and they collide into the rest of the kids, leaving them in a pile. Luna gets out and growls in frustration]

Luna: [irked] Dudes...this is the worst rehearsal I've ever seen!

Lincoln: But...you said it didn't matter if we were good.

Luna: Forget about what I said, bro. Mick Swagger's gonna be at the show.

Lynn Sr.: Mick Swagger?! Sweet!

Luna: No! It's not sweet! This is my chance to be discovered, and you guys ARE MESSING IT UP!

[Lynn Sr. is still jamming]

Luna: [exasperated] Dad. Dad! DAD! [fails to get his attention] That's it...you...ARE OUT OF THE BAND!

[The words "out of the band" echo through and the kids gasp. Lynn Sr. drops his cowbell and leaves in sorrow. Luna's siblings look at her in disdain.]

Luna: [hostilely] What?

Lori: You literally just fired your own dad!

Laney: You can't do that!

Luna: I'm not gonna let Captain Cowbell ruin my big chance! [picking up the music sheets] Now let's get back to work. We're gonna be here all day. So, if you guys have plans, cancel them. If you gotta pee, hold it. We really have to nail this!

Lincoln: What?! No way!

[The other girls chastise Luna for her behavior]

Luna: You're all out of my band!

Lincoln: No! You're out of our band! [a music sheet falls on his face, which he quickly swats off] 'Cause we're gonna play without you and we're gonna have fun!

Lana: Yeah! And we'll pee whenever we want to!

Luna: Fine by me. You're all holding me back, anyway. And when I'm on tour with Mick, don't call me for tickets!

Laney: Luna wait!

[bends over to grab her axe only to be met with Luan making another whoopee cushion gesture and growls at her pranky roommate and storms off]

As Luna stormed off, Laney felt bad for her rockstar sister. The fact that her idol is gonna be at the talent show really got her fired up. She went up to Luna's room to talk with her.

[Luna and Luan's room]

Luna: Who needs them anyway? Not me. All I need...is a new tune. [starts playing and singing softly] They don't understaaaaaaaaand... / Girl's gotta have a baaaaaaaand... [dislikes it and switches to a more hardcore style] Time for me to go solo / You know what they say: YOLO [realizes what she just sang] UGH! Come on, Luna! What are you thinking? This is for Mick! You just used the word YOLO! [Instead of her guitar, Luna tries using a keyboard to play a new tune] Nah. Too pop-y. [plays lower keys] Nah. Too depressing. [plays a soothing tune] Nah. Too 90's! GAH! [She hears her siblings having a good time playing in their band. She closes the window and curtains in sadness] I stink and I can't write a single song / Wow, there's a big crack in the ceiling. [hears a knock at the door] I'm busy!

Laney: [opens the door] Luna?

Luna: What do you want?

Laney: I'm sorry if our rehearsal was a disaster. And I was hoping you would come to the show with us, not to play of course, but just to watch.

Luna: Forget it. I'm goin' nowhere with you guys.

Laney: You're just saying that because your favorite musician's gonna be at the talent show. The whole reason you had this idea is so that we can just have fun and not be the best band in the world. I mean, isn't that what Mick said? [Luna paused for a moment]

Luna: Ugh, I need a change of scenery. [leaves, Laney sighs]

Later, at the family fun fair...

Rita: [excited] Ooh! Look at my little rock stars!

Lucy: My real genre is death metal.

Rita: SO CUTE!

(Laney was tuning her saxophone, feeling blue)

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. Either something's bugging you, or you're playing the blues.

Laney: *sighs* I'm just wondering about-

Lori: Luna? Forget her, she doesn't care about our music.

Laney: But only if she knew that it's not about the music, but the music you play with the ones you love. *sighs* If only she'd knew...

Luna: That would make some killer lyrics!

Laney: Luna! [runs up to hug Luna, but the rest of her siblings are not happy for her]

Lincoln: What about impressing Mick? We don't wanna 'hold you back'.

Luna: I'm sorry about all that stuff I said. I acted like a real bonehead today. I forgot the one rule of rock and roll. It doesn't matter if I don't play my best for Mick. All that matters is having fun. And the only time I have fun is doing it with you guys. So, what do you say? Will you take me back?

[A moment of silence]

Lincoln: [elated] Heck yeah! It wouldn't be a family band without you!

Luan: Grab some sheet music!

[As Luna does as her roommate says, Luan plays the whoopee cushion on cue once again. They all laugh at that gesture.]

Luna: Wait. It's not a family band yet. Where's Dad?

Rita: The place he always goes when he's sad: the Whirl-n'-Twirl.

[Luna hurries over to the Whirl-n'-Twirl and finds her father there still lamenting over getting kicked out of the band]

Luna: DAD, I'M SORRY! [waits for him to pass around again given the ride's motions] PLEASE COME BACK TO THE BAND! [waits for another lap] IT WON'T BE FUN... [waits again] ...WITHOUT YOU!

Lynn Sr.: [passing] YOU MEAN IT?!

Luna: [on his next lap] YES!

Lynn Sr. OPERATOR, STOP THIS RIDE!

[The operator does so and that causes Lynn Sr. to launch out and land with a thud]

Lynn Sr.: Apology accepted! [tears open his band member uniform and starts jamming once again] THE BELL IS BACK!

Luna: Mom...we're gonna need you, too! [holds out a tambourine]

Rita: Oh, honey. I don't know how to play.

Lincoln: That's okay. Neither do we.

Luna: But we're gonna have fun!

Laney: Liked we planned to!

[Rita grabs the tambourine and starts dancing to the beat with her husband as they bump their rumps together]

Lisa: [somewhat frightened] Heaven help us...it is contagious.

[The family is now performing on stage with Luna as lead singer]

Luna: Plastic bag blowing in the gutter / Lost and alone like toast without butter!

Leni: [walking backwards] Hey, guys! I'm a backup dancer! [carelessly falls off the stage]

Lincoln: Luna! Take a solo!

Luna: Nah. This is family band, dude!

Lincoln: Yeah, but you're the only one who can actually play!

Laney: Not the only one! [Does a saxophone solo]

Luna: Wicked jazz, Lanes! [rocks on] Dad! Cowbell Solo!

Lynn Sr.: Seriously?! I knew this day would come! Okay, here we go! [performs his solo]

[The song's over and the crowd loved the Loud's perform. The stranger from the diner is there to see Luna.]

Stranger: Hey, mate! You guys looked like you were having out there!

Luna: We were.

Stranger: And you two were brilliant. You've got real talent.

Laney: Thank you, stranger.

Luna: And thanks for that little talk back at the restaurant. It really helped straighten me out. I was being horrible to my family to impress a guy who didn't even show up.

Stranger: Oh, I wouldn't say that. [reveals himself to be Mick Swagger]

Luna: [stammering with awe] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...

Lynn Sr.: Hey, honey. Got us funnel cakes. Who's this?

[Mick reveals his face again]

Mick: The name's Mick Swagger, mate! And you were great, too! I love that passion on the cowbell!

Luna & Lynn Sr.: [stammering] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...

Laney: So, you're Mick Swagger.

Mick: Nice family you got here, love. I'm sure you'll stay close to them. [places his hand on her head]

Laney: I will. [Mick heads off]

Mick: [noticing the funnel cakes] Are you gonna finish those? [takes them] Cheers, mate! [leaves]

[Luna and her father continue stammering and suddenly faint in shock. Laney smiles]