21. One of the Boys

One of the Boys

[Lola is having a tea party on the driveway. Lincoln is looking at food in the refrigerator]

Lincoln: Okay, let's see what we got. [he begins rummages through the fridge] Kale...tofu.."quin-o-ah"?

Clyde: I think it's called quinoa.

[Lincoln tastes the quinoa and immediately spits it up]

Lincoln: I'd call it quin-blah! All this rabbit food can only mean one thing: Lori's on another health food kick.

[Clyde sighs and thinks about Lori wearing a bikini and walking on the beach]

Clyde: No wonder her skin glows like a Caribbean sunset...

Lincoln: Are you picturing her on the beach again?!

Clyde: Uh, no! [pops his thought bubble and grins sheepishly]

[Lincoln finds a jar of peanut butter in the back of the fridge]

Lincoln: Ooh, peanut butter! Now we're talkin'! [He scoops up the peanut butter with his fingers and messily eats it]

[Lola enters the kitchen to put her tea party cups away and notices Lincoln eating the peanut butter]

Lola: Ewww, Lincoln! Have a little class! [She exits the kitchen, disgusted.]

[Luan enters the kitchen with her dummy Mr. Coconuts performing a ventriloquist act]

Luan: [Speaking as Mr. Coconuts] That's all for sports, and now the weather.

[Lincoln belches as she's talking]

Luan: [Still speaking as Mr. Coconuts] It's cloudy with a chance of... [she speaks as herself now] You're disgusting.

[Luan exits the room]

Lincoln: [sighs] My whole life is like this.

Clyde: What are you talking about, Lincoln?! You got it made; one guy surrounded by ten awesome sisters!

Lincoln: Oh, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde.

When it comes to being in a big family, it's complicated to get your way from waiting in line for the bathroom...

[The line moves slowly as Lincoln gets more and more impatient. It is now Lincoln's turn to use the bathroom]

Lincoln: Finally! [he enters the bathroom, but quickly runs out] Gah! Forgot my loofah!

[Lincoln returns to the bathroom only to see another long line has already formed since he left]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Going out with a girl...

Lincoln: [calling out] Mom! I'm off to see Ronnie Anne!

[His sisters ambush him after hearing he's going to see Ronnie Anne]

Sisters: You're meeting Ronnie Anne?!

[They all crowd him and talk over each other, telling him what he should do before meeting her]

Lana: In that shirt?!

Lynn: Ho ho! You call that posture?!

Leni: And what about your hair?!

Lori: Are you wearing clean underwear?

Laney: Give him some space!

To deciding where to go...

[The third flashback plays; the kids are having a sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room]

Lori: Okay people, I'm accepting ideas on how we should spend the day.

Lincoln: [raising his hand] Ooh, ooh! We could go to DairyLand!

Sisters: [all make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down]

Lincoln: Okay... How 'bout Gus' Games and Grub!

[his sisters do the same thing as before and make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down]

Lincoln: How about-

[the girls do the exact same thing a third time before he could suggest somewhere else]

Lori: I know some place we'd all like!

[the scene then cuts to all the sisters having a good time at the mall while Lincoln sits on a bench - alone and angry, Laney walks by with two ice cram cones and gives one to Lincoln. He accepts it, though he's still angry]

Even the smallest cramp can trigger his meddling sisters.

[The fourth and final flashback begins, in this one Lincoln is sitting on his bed, playing a handheld video game]

Lincoln: Ow, ow, ow! Thumb cramp!

[his sisters all barge into his room]

Sisters: Awwww, poor Linky!

Lori: Oh, here's Bun-Bun! [she offers him his stuffed rabbit]

Leni: [holding Lily] Let Lily kiss your boo-boo better!

Laney: You're not bleeding, are you?

Lola and Lana: [unrolling bandages] Gauze! Stat!

Lisa: [She runs into the room with an AED] Clear!

[She shocks Lincoln as the camera pans out of his room and his scream can be heard. The scene returns where Clyde and Lincoln are together in the kitchen]

Clyde: Hm, I see your point

Lincoln: I tell you, Clyde, sometimes I wish I had ten brothers. [he continues eating the peanut butter as he was before]

[Lisa enters the kitchen and snatches the peanut butter away from him]

Lisa: And I wish you would not eat our communal peanut butter with your booger-picking finger!

Lincoln: See what I mean?

Lisa: [in contemplation] Hmmm...

As Lisa pondered about Lincoln's idea. Laney couldn't help but overhear the whole conversation. Later that night in Lincoln's room. The boy was sleeping until he was awakened by a knock at the door.

Lincoln: Wha? [The door opens, revealing Laney] Laney? Did you have a nightmare again?

Laney: No, it's not that. It's just that I can't help but hear you saying about us.

Lincoln: Okay, when are you going to stop eavesdropping?

Laney: I wasn't eavesdropping. I was by the dining room when you said that.

Lincoln: Oh. Well, don't worry. I didn't say anything about you. You're like the least sister in this family that causes trouble for me. But still I...

Laney: Hey, I know that we tend to meddle sometimes. But only beacuse we care about you. You're the only brother we got, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

Lincoln: *sighs* Thanks, Laney. Now if you don't mind...

Laney: Oh, sorry. Goodnight Lincoln. Goodnight Lisa. [closes door]

Lincoln: Lisa? What is she- [turns to see Lisa on his bed. He yelps at her sudden presence and grabs the light chain, turning on the light]

Lisa: Now, before Laney's sentimental moment. I've been pondering your wish from earlier.

Lincoln: My wish?

Lisa: Yes. I think I can help you out. [pulls out some kind of wristwatch] This wristwatch can transport you to an alternate dimension in which you'll have ten brothers.

Lincoln [sarcastic] Riiiiiight... [gets down from chain] Lisa, I think you've been playing with too many kiddie chemicals.

[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up]

Lincoln: [surprised] Holy moly! Awesome! [proceeds to enter it, but stops] Wait. Why are you doing this for me?

Lisa: I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?

Lincoln: Oh, we're doing it!

Lisa: One word of caution: you only have 24 hours to return home. Otherwise, you'll be stuck there forever.

Lincoln: Got it! [grabs the watch and puts it on] Let's do this!

[A timer starts ticking down from the 24 hour limit]

Lisa: Good luck. I gotta go break the bad news to Lana.

[Lisa pushes Lincoln into the vortex as he screams]

[Lincoln comes out on the other end of the portal and it closes. Everything looks the same]

Lincoln: Hmm...this doesn't look like a different dimension.

Then out from a room came male counterparts of Lincoln's sisters. There was Loki, a male Lori.

Loki: That is literally LOL! Hurry up, Loni! Time to go!

Loni, a male Leni.

Loni: Ooh! Whoa. Loki, who moved the doorway?

Luke, the male Luna.

Luke: I'm ready, brah! [strums his guitar; in a British accent] Let's rock!

Lane, a male Luan.

[Enter a male version of Luan and a female version of Mr. Coconuts]

Lane: [speaking as his dummy] I wooden miss it! [speaking as himself now and giggling] Good one, Mrs. Coconuts!

A male Lynn, the name stood the same.

Boy Lynn: [carrying a football] 62! Hut!

Followed by Lars, a male Lucy.

Lars: Sigh. [closes door]

Then there was Lexx and Leif, male versions of Lola and Lana.

[Enter a male version of Lana with a frog as a horn blares at him]

Leif: Quit honking, Lexx, or you'll get a frog down your pants!

[Lexx, the male version of Lola, is driving what looks like Lola's car only stylized as a military jeep with an angry face painted on it]

Lexx: Touch me, and I'm telling! [honks] MOM!

[The male twins start fighting. Enter a male version of Lisa]

Then there was Levi, Lisa's male counterpart.

Levi: Can you Cro-Magnons diminish the cacophony so our youngest sibling can suspend consciousness?

The baby crying in the room was Leon, a male baby Lily.

Twins: Speak English, Levi!

Levi: Shut your pie-holes so Leon can nap!

[Lincoln, still bewildered, looks at the watch and realizes that it worked]

Lincoln: Holy moly!

[The remaining brothers head downstairs]

Loki: Larry! Get down here or were leaving without you!

Larry: *from upstairs* Coming!

Then coming down the stairs was Laney's male counterpart, Larry. He looks like Laney only with a black t-shirt and blue shorts instead of a skirt.

Larry: Leif! Lexx! You two break it up!

Levi: Will you be joining us, Lincoln?

Lincoln: [disgusted] Ugh. Where are we going? The mall?

[All scoff and laugh]

Boy Lynn: Yeah, right.

Loki: You're literally hilarious, Lincoln! We're going to Dairyland. It was your idea.

Lincoln: Sweet! My sisters would never all wanna go to Dairyland!

Loni: [walks into the front doorway; confused] Sisters?

Lincoln: Uh...you know, the nuns. They hate amusement parks. [laughs nervously and follows the rest of his brothers to the van]

[Loni shrugs and closes the door on his way out. Later,The van drives across Royal Woods while the boys are cheering]

Loki: Yes! Dairyland was awesome!

Lane: Great idea, Lincoln.

Luke: Yeah, way to go, bro.

Brothers: You're the man, Lincoln!

Lincoln [belches] Whoops. Sorry.

Boy Lynn: You should be sorry, 'cause that was weak! [makes a bigger belch]

Leif: Ha. That was nothing. Check this. [farts with armpit]

Loki: Oh, yeah? Well, nothing beats the real thing. [farts for real]

[They all laugh as Larry plugs his nose]

Larry: Aw, come on, guys!

Lane: What are you, a girl? [Larry farts]

Larry: Does that answer your question?

[They laugh as they enter Gus' Games and Grub]

Loki: Chow time, boys.

Lincoln: Gus's Games N' Grub? No way! [rushes inside]

Larry: Well yeah, you wanted to go here too!

[Five pizzas are put on their table]

Loki: Five pies for eleven guys!

Lane: I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough dough! [laughs] Get it?

[Lincoln picks up a slice, but realizes what he's touching it with]

Lincoln: [bummed] Sorry, I'm touching the pizza with my booger-picking finger.

Larry: What's wrong with booger fingers?

Leif: You use your finger for your booger picking? I use my thumb! [puts thumb in nostril]

[The boys all tell Lincoln what they pick their boogers with, each with a different part of their hands...or their feet, which makes him happy. Later, they arrive home where this dimension's Rita, wearing Lynn Sr.'s clothes, is taking out the trash with Leon]

Alt. Rita: There's my army. How was Dairyland?

Loki: [kisses his mom] It was awesome!

Boy Lynn: [kisses her] Hi, Mom!

Leif: [kisses her and belches] Bye, Mom!

[The boys head inside while this dimension's Lynn Sr., wearing Rita's clothes, is getting out the second garbage can]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: Hey, boys!

Larry: PILE ON DAD!

[Lynn Sr. screams and is pounced by Leif with his sons joining in on the fun]

Levi: We got you!

Lars: Say uncle.

Loni: I thought he was our dad.

Alt. Lynn Sr. [begging for mercy] UNCLE!

[The boys cheer and run off]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: [groaning in pain] Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have daughters.

[Lincoln looks at how much time is left]

Lincoln: Only 12 more hours. I wish this didn't have to end. [inspired] Wait. Why does it have to? What if I didn't go back? [runs upstairs where his brothers are playing Hockey in the hallway and tosses the wristwatch in the wastebasket] Guys, guess what? I'm staying!

[The boys look on puzzled]

Loki: Okay.

Luke: Whatever.

[Male Lynn belches]

Lincoln: Hang on, bros! Let me grab my Hockey stick!

[He runs into where his room would but crashes into a shelf where it's revealed that in this dimension, the linen closet is still a linen closet]

Lincoln: Uh, hey... [sees them charging and gets out of the way]

Lynn! Heh...where's my room?

Boy Lynn: Right where it always is, weirdo.

[It turns out Lincoln bunks with Male Lynn and Lars. He shares a bunk bed with Male Lynn, Larry, and Lars sleeps in a vampire coffin]

Lincoln: Four of us live in here?

[Lars rises from out of his coffin]

Boy Lynn: Where else would we sleep? The linen closet? [laughs]

Lincoln: [checking his top bunk] Hey, where's Bun-Bun?

Larry: Luke flushed him.

Boy Lynn: Lars gave him a very dignified funeral

Lars: Thank you.

Lincoln: [devastated] Not Bun-Bun!

Larry: Don't worry bro. You can have my papa pig. [Hands Lincoln a stuffed pig]

Lincoln: Umm. Thanks?

Boy Lynn: Well... [yawns] ...night, bro. [roughly punches Lincoln's arm]

Lincoln: [rubbing his arm] Ow!

[That night, as Lincoln tries to get some sleep, a swarm of bats comes out of his pillow and he screams]

Lars: Oh. There's my bat colony.

[The next morning, Lincoln wakes up to find Lars's bat colony over his head and screams and falls to the floor]

Boy Lynn: One for waking me. [punches Lincoln right into Lars's coffin]

Lincoln: Ow.

Lars: [rises out of coffin] And one for scratching my coffin. [punches Lincoln]

Larry: Guys! Quit it!

Lincoln: [notices something] No line for the bathroom? Sweet! [rushes in]

[The bathroom is a total and complete mess, making Lincoln scream in horror]

Luke: [yawning] What's your damage, bro? You woke me up.

Lincoln: Look! The bathroom is disgusting!

Luke: You're right, bro. We can't live like this. Let's go clean it! We'll start with the toilet! [grabs Lincoln]

Lincoln: Huh? Hey hey hey!

[The door closes]

Luke: Swirly time, dude!

[Lincoln screams at the swirly he's given and comes out with his brother's laughing at his expense.]

Lane: How's it goin', Stinkoln?

[Lincoln then trips over and hurts his thumb]

Lincoln: Ow!

Loni: Aw, you're fine. Shake it off.

[Leon crawls up to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Leon? You wanna kiss my boo-boo and make it better? [Leon bites Lincoln's thumb] OW!

Loki: Kiss your boo-boo?

[As the boys continue to laugh, Larry runs in and stands in for Lincoln]

Larry: Leave him alone, guys! He's already hurt as it is!

[as the brothers leave, Larry comforts Lincoln]

Larry: I'm sorry about that. Are you ok, bro?

Lincoln: Yeah. Wait, why weren't you laughing like the other brothers?

Larry: You know I'm not like the other brothers. I'm there for you when you're down! Because that's what brothers are supposed to do.

Lincoln: [smiles] Wow, thanks Larry.

Larry: Ok, later. [Larry walks downstairs]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Guess, Laney's still the same either gender.

[Lincoln is topless]

Lincoln: Does nobody do laundry?

Boy Lynn: [picking his nose with his big toe] Oh, yeah! Got a winner!

[Lincoln walks towards the couch where all the brothers watch TV. He spots the twins wearing his shirts]

Lincoln: Uh, why are you guys wearing my shirts?

Leif: Duh, 'cause ours were dirty.

Larry: [was reading a book] Usually, that's my job. But, I keep forgetting.

Lincoln: Well, now I don't have any clean ones, and I'm supposed to hang out with Ronnie Anne!

Loki: [condescendingly] Ooh, the prince needs a clean shirt when he sees his princess!

Brothers (excluding Larry): Ooooooooooh! [laugh]

Larry: Guys! Cut it out!

Lane: You know, if you wear your pants higher, you won't need a SHIRT! [Gives Lincoln an an inverse wedgie and laughs]

Larry: Lane! That's enough!

Lane: Oh, come on Lar. I'm just playin'.

Larry: Don't call me Lar.

Loki: I'm sure he didn't mean it. Lar! [Laughs. Larry growls]

Lincoln: Ah, come on! I just combed my hair.

Brothers (Excluding Larry): [taunting] OOOOOOOHHH!

Leif: PILE ON ROMEO!

[Lincoln screams as his brothers minus Leon and Larry pile on top of him]

Larry: Lincoln! [Tries to pull Lincoln out of the pile but gets pulled in]

Loki: Guys, Dutch oven, Loud House style!

[They all fart on Lincoln and Larry]

Luke: Say uncle!

Lincoln: Uncle!

Larry: Alright! That's enough! [They all get off Lincoln] You guys should know better than pick on Lincoln!

Luke: Oy! That's so you to choose his side, Lar!

Larry: STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Loki: Relax, Lar! We were just playing, Lar! [They all laugh as Larry gets infuriated]

Larry: THAT'S IT! YOU WANT SOME!

Loki: Bring it on little man! [Larry attacks Loki causing a fight. The rest of the brothers, excluding Lincoln cheered on]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Remember what I said about staying here forever? Yeah. That's not happening. [sees that he only has 5 minutes before it's too late] Phew. I still have five minutes to get back. [checks the wastebasket he through the watch in but can't find it] Where is it?

Lexx: Whoa! Check out this sweet watch! [holds the dimensional wristwatch]

Lincoln: Hey, that's mine!

Lexx: Finders, keepers, loser! [runs off with it]

Lincoln: No! I need that! [chases after Lexx and falls down the stairs]

[Lexx tosses it to Luke]

Loni: [laughing] Keep away with Uncle Lincoln's watch!

Luke: Oops! [tosses it to Loni]

Larry: Give it to me! Give it to me! [Loni pushes him, and tosses the watch]

Lincoln: You guys, this is serious! [sees this dimension of his Dad and gets an idea] PILE ON DAD!

[Their dad runs away screaming and the boys, minus Larry, run off to pile on him. Lincoln manages to grab his watch as they charge off]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE!

Larry: Thanks, Lincoln!

Lincoln: You're welcome, bro. Gotta go! [runs upstairs]

Larry: Where? Your room? [follows him]

[There are only a few seconds left]

Lincoln: Phew. Just in time.

Boy Lynn: Hey, Stinkoln, I almost forgot something. [pantses Lincoln and runs off laughing]

[Lincoln sighs, activates the portal, and jumps in screaming]

[Lincoln makes it through the portal and ends up back in his linen closet room. But...]

Lincoln?: "My room!" [sees a familiar friend] "Bun-Bun!" [grabs Bun-Bun and cuddles him] "It worked!"

[The lights turn on and reveals his brothers are still here]

Loki: Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?

Lincoln? AAAHH! It didn't work!

Luke: You want some water?

Lexx: How about warm milk?

Larry: Are you hurt?

Lincoln?: Wait. Why are they being nice to me?

Loni: Aw. Want us to stay until you fall asleep, Linka?

Lincoln?: [confused] Linka?

He looked around his room and noticed things weren't the same. It was pink, frilly, and girly. Then he looked down and discovered in horror that he wasn't Lincoln Loud anymore. Or should I say, she!

Linka: "I'M IN THE WRONG DIMENSION!"

[Linka screams and then it immediately changes back to Lincoln. It turns out Lincoln was having a nightmare. His room is the same as it was and he's still Lincoln Loud]

Lincoln: "Oh, thank goodness. It was all just a nightmare."

[His sisters barge in having been alarmed of his scream]

Lori: [concerned] We heard you scream! Are you okay? Here's Bun-Bun, Linky.

[His sisters comfort him after his fright]

Leni: Lily will kiss it and make it all better.

Lincoln: Thanks, guys. You're the best.

[Lily kisses her brother]

Lincoln: It's good to be home. I'll never complain about having sisters again.

[As they embrace for a tender moment, the girls realize what he just said]

Lola: Wait. What?

Lincoln: I mean, you know, the nuns.

[Leni notices and picks up a wristwatch]

Leni: Lincoln, is this yours? It fell on the floor.

[Lincoln screams, tosses it on the floor, and stomps it into pieces]

Lori: [livid] That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!

Lincoln: [fearing] Please don't stick my head down the toilet!

Lori: What? I meant with money.

Lincoln: Oh, of course. That's more than fair.

Lola: [scoffs] Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class!

[The sisters all go back to bed, except for Laney who hugged Lincoln]

Lincoln: I guess you're right, Lanes. I'm glad to have you guys looking out for me.

Laney: And I'm glad I only have one brother. I mean, can you imagine having brothers instead of sisters?

Lincoln: Well, a picture is starting to form...

Laney: Well, goodnight. [goes back to bed]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers.

[Lynn comes back in]

Lynn: Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something. [pantses him and runs off laughing]

Lincoln: [annoyed] Except for Lynn.