The pain of being forgotten

Coming from Gabriel the promise of a surprise could mean something bad, but I was excited anyway. I was dying to experience different things, face challenges and really start living again. So even something that I didn't think was pleasant that he was going to show me would be welcome. I felt that I could handle anything.

The silence might have been good for Gabriel, but it was driving me crazy. It had been about fifteen minutes of walking and he remained silent and thoughtful. I needed to distract myself, for even the perfection of the place was beginning to bore me. Talking to Gabriel at least I felt emotions. Believing this, I decided to provoke him with my questions without stopping my pacing.

"When are you going to show me that surprise?"

He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes.

"Now."

"Are you taking me to it?"

"Yes."

"Is it a good or bad surprise?"

"That you will have to decide for yourself."

I shut up again. It wasn't going to do any good. Although with living together I discovered that Gabriel didn't appreciate many questions I wasn't managing to tease him enough. After a few more minutes of walking, we reached a crystal clear waterfall. Its waters lapped against blue rocks, making the water splash across the grass, forming rainbows everywhere and creating a paradisiacal setting. It was beautiful. I ran to drink some of that water, which was a refreshing invitation, and with my cupped hands I took some and was about to drink it when a shout stopped me.

"No!"

The cry was Gabriel's. It was a cry of desperation. As if something very bad was about to happen. Startled I dropped the water and immediately walked away. Was there something wrong with that water? I asked myself that question, but it was something strange since nothing there could kill me since I was already dead theoretically.

"You mustn't drink that water."

"Why not? I'm thirsty..."

"Because it's not time yet. This water is not for quenching thirst. You can drink it later..."

"Time for what? Is that water sacred or something?"

"Can't you just accept an answer without immediately starting another question and consequently without making an interrogation?"

"It's not that! It's that I don't understand..."

"I'll explain it to you later and I guarantee you'll know every detail. You will know everything in due time. We can't rush things... It's not just related to you... It affects someone else too..."

"Who?"

"You wasted your talent when you were on the worlds you lived on.... You should have been a journalist." He said smiling and evading an answer.

I accepted it resignedly. After all, it wasn't often that I managed to get a smile out of him, and we moved closer to some people who were there. Gabriel soon started an animated conversation with a woman with an athletic body. I did not get close enough to hear what they were talking about, because I lacked interest. However, Gabriel soon called me over and introduced me. Her name was Nadia and she was a teacher at a special school. From what I understood Gabriel had just enrolled me. I was not very enthusiastic until I learned that I would learn to levitate and walk through walls. We started right away. It was amazing! I learned fast and enjoyed every wall I walked through. Of course the thought of going into Gabriel's room without having to open the door and make noise crossed my mind. Levitate then! What a sensation! It is indescribable!

The classes were held right there at the waterfall in another part where there were no blue rocks. There Gabriel allowed me to quench my thirst. And the water was divine. Fresh and at the right temperature to quench your thirst. There were some ravines where we practiced the passages and many people had fun with the falls that we beginners took while trying to float. At first I was irritated by this, but later I relaxed because I understood that one day I would also be there laughing when I was well trained. It was actually good fun. Seeing people going through the same things I had been through and making the same mistakes. My time to stand where they were and laugh like them would soon come. That was a comforting thought. To have something to do rather than stay in that house all day with Gabriel harassing me.

The class lasted about three uninterrupted hours. I didn't get physically tired, but I began to find the repetition of the exercises tedious, until the teacher released me and judged me ready. Afterwards Gabriel and I sat on a rock near the waterfall, but we could not see it. We could only hear the sound of the water together with the laughter and admired the beauty of the place as if we were part of nature. Gabriel was thoughtful and concentrated, looking at some point without really looking at anything. He seemed peaceful, but my intuition told me that this silence was hiding confused and troubled thoughts. I didn't like to see him like that. He looked helpless and vulnerable. So I moved closer to him, letting our bodies touch to try to distract him from whatever it was that was making his face so serious. He seemed to be fighting an internal struggle.

"Thank you for bringing me here. It's a beautiful place... It's not so bad... I liked the surprise. I liked what I learned." I said after he demonstrated that he didn't even realize I was practically glued to him.

He stared at me for a few seconds and a smile broke out on his lips, removing the shadow from my heart. I was relieved.

"I'm glad you liked it here. It's one of my favorite places. But that's not the surprise I have for you. You didn't learn these things just to know how to do them. Or to try to get into my room. You can't transpose the material the houses here are made of." He said and laughed as he looked at me letting me know that he knew I was really thinking about doing that.

"No?" My voice came out disappointed, but I meant to mock.

"I'm here holding myself back.... But I've already held you back for too long..." He said seriously again. "But you need to get through this and then let it be once and for all."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'll let you visit your relatives."

I was flabbergasted. Not even in my wildest daydreams could I have imagined that this day would come. I didn't know whether to jump or dance or both.

"Repeat this slowly, please. I'm not buying it."

"You can believe your ears. You will see your loved ones again."

So that was it! I really would meet my family again.

"When?" I asked anxiously.

"Now."

I gave him a strong hug on an impulse. And I hadn't thought about that chance.

"Thank you so much, Gabriel!"

He pushed me away, but his eyes stared at me tenderly. It was as if my spontaneous gesture made him tender....

"You shouldn't thank me."

"How could I not? Do you have any idea of the joy you are providing me?"

"I may be signing your state of permanent death."

"That means..."

"If you can't bear the pain you will feel in your family for your loss or if for some reason you wish to stay there I don't know if our bond is strong enough to drag you back and if I can't I won't be able to help and you will be easy prey for the spirits who live in darkness. They exist and every soul they manage to overpower becomes one more in their army."

"Who are these spirits?"

"They are creatures that roam freely throughout all worlds tormenting people and using their minds against themselves and taking advantage of their weaknesses to get them to do their will. They are wicked beings who love darkness and envy humans.... They enslave distressed spirits, who go to visit their families. They are always on the lookout for this. Because they are easy prey. So... No strong negative emotions there, understood? Because it's by emotions that they find you."

"Do they have a body like ours?"

"No. They are visible to those on the worlds. But they know how to hide well in the shadows. I have never seen them."

"I certainly won't be one more on their list."

"I hope so..." Gabriel said looking at me in doubt. "For your own good. And before I go I need to give you one more warning. Don't let jealousy or negative feelings get to you. They attract the creatures and their feelings manifest themselves in the person you are visiting."

"Whatever I feel for any relative he will feel too? Is that it?"

"Not exactly. We are energy. Bad energy pollutes an environment just as good energy influences joy. That's it. We must not leave them with bad feelings and thoughts. They are innocent of what happened to you. They have suffered enough for you already..."

"Then I'll want to visit the driver who ran over me in that truck and I'll let him feel all the bitterness for taking me out of that world too soon..." I spoke to relax, but Gabriel became very serious. I realized this as soon as I saw that he turned as white as snow. "What happened? Did I say something wrong?"

"Do you remember a trip you took to the desert in your memories?" He asked me and just at that moment I remembered that we had never talked about it.... Of course, sleeping for six months had caused unfinished business to be put aside.

"Yes, I remember. But I don't think it was a memory."

"Why not?"

"Because there was someone there and they talked to me. And I don't remember anything about that place. You can call it intuition, but I know they made me fall asleep and transported my dream to that place..."

"I love your wit!" Gabriel said and I noticed surprise a tone of pride in his voice. "And you saw who was talking to you?"

"He didn't allow it. I was paralyzed."

Gabriel cracked a beautiful smile that made me believe nothing could go wrong after that display of happiness.

"When he took me there I remembered, but I also knew it wasn't a memory, because I've never been in the position to call the lost.... And you know what?" Gabriel asked looking like he did something that wasn't allowed and was amused by it.

"Of course I do. Say it, please."

"I turned around and saw him. I disobeyed him. He... I guess that's why he must have gone on to paralyze people."

"And what is he like?" I asked sad that I couldn't do that either. "Were you punished for disobeying him?"

"He is perfect... Indescribable. There is nothing I know of to compare. And he did not scold me, but was surprised and laughed at my boldness."

"Was he like those beings who came into the room to take me to the desert?"

"No. He doesn't even come close. The ones you saw in the room are beings of the light. Did you think there were only beings of darkness?"

"For a moment yes. Do they live here?"

"No one knows where they live. They appear and disappear whenever they want."

"And did you talk to the being you saw in the desert?"

"I think I talked for hours.... The bitterness disappeared in his presence.... Liza, I think he's an angel."

I was awestruck. I was close to fulfilling my dream and missed the opportunity. I always wanted to meet an angel. In my conception, I believed that they lived in a heaven and that after we died we would live with them.

"Gabriel, I have dreamed all my life of meeting them..."

"Stop this nonsense. You didn't even believe that this world existed. You didn't know we were immortal.

"Deep down I only said that I didn't believe it so as not to feed vain hopes in my heart... Especially when Dad... Left us. But now..."

"You will have future opportunities to see them."

"Well, since I can't see them now how about we go visit my family?

"You're letting me down you sham detective!" He said jokingly.

"Did I miss something?" I asked trying to remember some question that was left behind.

"I didn't tell you about the desert so we could be like two little girls reminiscing about the past. It was to draw your attention to something I thought you had been made clear about when you were there."

"And what is that about?"

"One of the people who was in the hot sky was exactly the driver who couldn't hold the truck so it wouldn't hit you. You were taken there so he could see that you had no hard feelings towards him. I thought they would let you know that..."

"I never saw that man's face. I never blamed him. I saw from afar that he was out of control, but he had nowhere to run. It was ravines on both sides.... But... Did he die in the accident too?"

"No. But he had already lost a daughter his age in an accident, and he was already blaming himself for that. When he saw that he had taken his life he had a heart attack."

"I hope he gets out of there as soon as possible."

"He already did. The day he saw you."

"Well, then I want to talk to him later."

"He's already gone back to his family on Earth. He's going to be his grandson." Gabriel said and smiled. "That's strange, isn't it?"

"He came through here pretty fast..."

"Kind of not. You slept a long time. You missed a lot. Do you think this place is boring? It's wonderful here. There is always something happening that is worthy of our attention..."

"I get it, but now let's go that I am "dying" to miss the people I love on Earth." I said cutting off the time Gabriel was more human to me since I arrived there, because I was suddenly afraid he would miss his half and go in search of it. I knew that day would come, but I hoped that he would wait for my half to come looking for me too, because if it didn't I couldn't stand the pain.

He stared at me and we began to laugh at his comment. We walked hand in hand through the Colony where he taught me words that could help me stay focused back on Earth as we walked. We came to a large marble wall and he held my hand tightly. I already knew what we were going to do. And past the wall, we reached the home ground and came out into the back yard. We agreed that Gabriel would wait for me outside. He didn't want to. But I had to convince him that I needed to do it alone with some privacy. It took me a while, but he eventually accepted.

Using what I had learned I walked over the wall and into the kitchen. I looked around and felt a pang in my chest. Everything was the same as I remembered it. The longing and the desire to be there in life overwhelmed my chest. I ran my hand over the kitchen utensils as if I could soothe some of that longing. I looked at the table and the memories began to dance in my mind. I saw myself sitting there eating an apple that I had picked out of the fruit bowl, while Mom stirred the pots on the stove. With all the inexperience of a teenager I was thinking of a way to approach a subject that was important to her consent.

"Mom..."

"Say Liza. What's bothering you?"

Remembering how sensitive Mom was made my eyes fill with tears. Only she could tell when we were in trouble. She even seemed to guess.

"I want to bring someone here..."

"Who is it?"

"Well, he... he's my boyfriend." I heard myself saying fearfully.

"Liza! Julio has always been welcome here! I'm glad you've decided to take on this relationship."

"Mom! You mean you already knew?"

She just smiled mysteriously. We were not careful and she might have seen us hugging and even kissing. I put my head down. Those memories would not be healthy for my emotional balance. The longing hurt and reminded me of all the dreams that could no longer be fulfilled... I had been so anxious to see my family again, and now I was there. Feeling like retreating. The fear inside me with every second I stood there grew in my chest. But I lifted my head, took a deep breath and filled myself with courage. I was there to see them again and that's what I would do.

I determinedly followed the corridor and reached the living room. My mother was sleeping sitting on the sofa and a book was resting in her hands. As I approached it I verified that it was not a book, but a diary. My diary! With tears streaming down my face I bent down and kissed her forehead. Oh, Mom! Why torment yourself with sad memories? I wished I could talk to her.... To be able to tell you that I was there and that you were well... Then Gabriel's voice rang in my head. I looked around, but didn't see him. Then I understood that it was telepathy.

"Liza. Penetrate her dreams and reassure her. Tell her you are happy."

"How can I do that?"

"By wishing. Concentrate and close your eyes..."

I obeyed. I managed to travel into her mind and somehow she sensed my presence. She was in the church praying and when I reached the door she turned and ran to hug me.

"Liza, my girl..." She was in a voice choked with emotion.

"Mommy, how I miss you..." Liza said feeling that hug and not wanting to part from it ever again.

"How are you dear? Are you happy?" Her mother asked pulling away.

Then I felt the pain and agony coming from inside her. Her feelings were more than dreams. They were real. I took her by the hand and (to this day I don't know how I did it) led her to a place full of flowers and with a sea stretching out in front of her.

"See? The place where I live is like this."

She looked around. She was not entirely satisfied. Perhaps she wished to know news of Dad and Geisa. And before she asked I passed the information to her taking care not to mention Alexia.

"Mom, we are well and happy. Please be happy too. Just worry about being happy. Take care Mom...and goodbye."

"Wait!" She called out when she saw that I was walking away. "If you are fine as you say then why are you crying? Don't lie to your mother!"

"I am happy yes. I cry for the thrill of being able to see you again after so long. I suffer for making you suffer with my absence. There is no denying that it hurts. It took me a while to come because I was recovering, but now I promise I will come back whenever I can. Now I have to go. I will visit my brothers. Please tell them that I love them very much. Don't fail to live anything you want here. For you have only one chance to be happy. So when you see it, take it. And saying that I ran and jumped into the sea and swam out. I opened my eyes and saw that Mom moved on the couch and woke up. She stared at the ceiling for a while and then opened my journal. I noticed that tears were blurring her vision and her crying was accompanied by deep sobs. I turned to leave when I realized that I didn't want to see those tears wetting such a dear face. I felt useless and guilty for that agony. She didn't deserve to suffer so much. But I stopped myself when I heard her voice.

"Forgive my tears, Liza... I know you are here. I can feel you just as I feel Geisa when she comes here.... I've been controlling this crying for a long time, but believe me it was just a vent. I want you to know that you never died. You are alive here!" She said beating her chest as her tears wet my journal. Looking at that scene I allowed myself to cry too. Then I went to Emerson's room, who was also asleep. I kissed his forehead and then left. I didn't want to enter his dream. In fact, I was afraid. I would rather never go back there. It was horrible to watch Mom's suffering and distressing not to be able to do anything about the pain. Then I understood that my place was definitely no longer there.

Gabriel was waiting for me outside as agreed, and from the look in his eyes I knew that I didn't need to say anything. He knew. I saw all my feelings reflected in him as if in a mirror. He embraced me and in that consolation I found the courage and strength to continue my visits.

The next stop was at Claudio's house, my older brother. Nothing on his face showed any trace of sadness. Deep down I thought it was better this way. I didn't want to see anyone else suffering because of me. However, little did I know that I was wrong.

After kissing his wife, who was lying on the sofa, he left for the bedroom and I accompanied him. I didn't know what to do when I saw the presence of a child. That baby was my nephew! I approached the crib and discovered that it was a girl. On her blanket was engraved the name Elizabeth. I felt honored and moved by this tribute and my tears rolled again.

My brother had sat up in bed with his hands hiding his face. Only when he got up did I realize that he was crying.

Claudio and I had always been more than brothers. We were friends. We shared confidences, secrets and dreams that we didn't reveal to other people. He approached the cradle and passed his hand over the mantle where his name was engraved and closed his eyes as if in great pain. Then I realized that the pain of my leaving was greater than the happiness of having a daughter. I was even mistaken in thinking that he had forgotten me. I hugged him, even though I knew he couldn't feel it. Back in the crib, I kissed my little niece, who opened her little eyes and smiled at me. She could see me! I played with her some more and turned and left.

I went on to the next visit with Gabriel without exchanging a word. At my request we went to visit my fiancé. I regretted it. He had already put another in my place and seemed very happy. Much happier than when he was with me. I didn't remember him looking at me with that passionate gleam in his eye. É. He really had forgotten me. The girl hugged him and he lifted her in the air, doing cartwheels. He had forgotten me and was happy about it. Maybe even relieved that he had the opportunity to meet a new person. I couldn't stop thinking that he was over me. He had put another woman in the apartment that I had helped to pay for! He was not only a hypocrite. He was a coward too. Maybe he was already having an affair with that woman...

And he forgot me too quickly.

I left, but I couldn't accept it. It revolted me to remember my ex-fiancé. None of that was fair! After all, why be born if we are going to die? Why love if we will be forgotten? The truth was hard and bitter. Everything that I considered important and had built with effort was lost forever! It was over! Nothing mattered anymore! It was a lie what they say about the people we love being unforgettable and irreplaceable! Nobody is unforgettable and much less irreplaceable! Soon people forget and what they remember is thrown in the garbage and set on fire. Either that, or the memories end up in a cold and dark basement... because those memories no longer have any value. Even if there are whole lives of someone else's dreams, desires, longings, joys, and achievements there. The story is over. And this happened with my twenty-three years of struggles and achievements that belonged to me! Only ashes will remain! As if it were not enough to die, to lose my life, I also lost everything I had; home, family, friends, boyfriend, past, material and sentimental goods? I lived without realizing that everything I built had no meaning at all. Everything was nothing more than a false happiness, a false prospect of conquering... Everything was nothing more than an illusion.

Gabriel touched my shoulder, awakening me from my bitter thoughts. Only then did I realize that we were already in front of the house in the world I was now living in. I have no idea where I walked to get there.

"How did we get here?"

"I brought her as soon as I saw the dark beings reaching us."

"I wish I could kill Julius just to get back at him here!" I said without thinking.

"Things are not as you think..."

"Oh, no?" I said without being able to avoid the sarcasm in my voice. "So my death wasn't a relief to him? Maybe he was even already dating that girl while he was staying my fiancé!" I don't remember ever being so angry about anything.

"You are letting yourself be carried away by the anger of your loved ones.... They want your good, but they don't know that their sadness and rebellion is reflected in you, because you are bound by love. Julius had no choice. He knew you would not return and sought solace in the way he knows how..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Their suffering hit you directly causing you depression. So you channeled it all into the one who moved on and managed to forget you somehow."

"What nonsense! I'm dead! I wasn't supposed to suffer! I wasn't supposed to feel pain! Not anymore!"

"It was a mistake to take you there." Gabriel said ruefully. "I wasn't prepared for a reunion.... I rushed into it.... But it's part of your redemption..."

"Mistake? Have you realized that everything you do is wrong? Why don't you start fixing it by leaving me alone?"

"What did you say?" he said turning to me with angry eyes.

I saw that anger shining in his eyes, but I didn't back down despite the fear I felt.

"That's just what you heard! I've had enough of you! I don't need a babysitter or a shadow following me around all day and deciding which way I should go all the time. I'm tired of you! Tired!"

He stood silently looking at me coldly.

"I like it when you remind me of who you really are. You don't deserve consideration, nor do you deserve to waste my time with words of consolation." He said in a restrained voice. "Perhaps your fiancé was also another who had been spared from leading a pitiful life with you by his side." Gabriel said spitefully and turning around walked into the house.