Somewhere in the Past

Despite what I said about him being a constant shadow in my life, he left me out there to decide for myself whether I would stay and wander around or go in and continue sharing my stay there with him. This choice was not difficult. Then I felt cold. A cold that only Gabriel could warm. Only the warmth of his arms could bring comfort to my anguished heart. I went in looking for him and found him in the shower. Even after our misunderstanding I felt free to open the door. I stood in the doorway and watched him, naked, soaping his body on his back. When he realized my presence he turned and faced me. I undressed without any shame, although I had never acted like this in my life. With him I felt free to be natural. I came closer. He looked at me with desire. I knew that I tried at all costs to evade his feelings, but it was a losing war. And that made me feel special. He wouldn't take just anyone to live in his house. This thought made some images go through my head, but I didn't concentrate on them, and the vision of Gabriel was more tempting at that moment. But I knew that those memories that began to dance in my mind wanted to tell me something about that strong bond with Gabriel. Something, perhaps, that I should have paid attention to.

"Come here." He called out with a husky voice and lustful eyes. He did not seem to be upset yet by our little misunderstanding of a few minutes. Obeying his call I came to him slowly. He began to lather me up and every curve of his hands left a trail of fire consuming me completely. In a matter of seconds he took possession of my mouth and brought his hand to my sex where he made erotic movements with his fingers. I screamed. I needed to be possessed urgently. He put me against the wall and penetrated me, answering my urgent pleas. After the orgasm there, we finished the shower and went straight to the bedroom where we returned to the sensual games. And once again we did not get tired. And for a good part of the night we repeated the act. Each time more intense than the other. I felt alive in his arms and wished I had been lucky enough to live with him for eternity.

The next day when I woke up he was no longer there. A pain that I didn't know where it came from throbbed in my chest. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't know the reason for the pain and the tears until Gabriel returned and as soon as he saw my tears he opened a devilish smile. He got what he wanted. My body and soul belonged to him and together I obeyed his command like a trained dog. I became his slave and without realizing it I exchanged the need for air to live for the need to be with him. And he knew. And he rejoiced as if he had reached his goal. I would never again be free of the force he exerted on me. And he would use it against me. And even though I knew it would be like this, I wouldn't have the strength to free myself... I wouldn't have the strength to do so... Because I loved him! To him my body, my heart and my thoughts belonged. My whole self belonged to him. And I cried because I knew from the intensity of the love that was growing more and more inside me that I would accept any crumb he offered me. This is a truth that hurts. It couldn't be mine. I already had his half. I knew that I had to get him out of my life and rip all that feeling out of my chest, but if I did that my heart would go out with him... Maybe I should fight for him... Maybe if he didn't have someone else to share eternity with. From that day on my tears would never stop... Even if there were no more tears in my eyes the weeping of my soul would be flooding my interior with bitterness. There is no heat that can dry the tears of the soul or relieve the pain of not being able or having hopes of one day being with the one I love. Only he could dry this tears. Swearing that he would never abandon me. That we would be together and that he would give up the one who was destined to take my place...

I turned my gaze to Gabriel and raised my hand in a mute invitation to share once again the insatiable pleasure we felt when we were in each other's arms. However, it was with disappointment that I saw him shake his head in a negative.

"Why?" my voice sounded hurt.

"Because I am in charge and so I decide where and when."

It was true. And I would never have the strength to refuse when he came to me.

"Now get up and go get your breakfast."

I got up resignedly and walking past him without saying anything went into the shower. The warm water seemed to cheer me up. After I changed I went to the kitchen, but Gabriel was not there and the table was set. I finished the coffee and washed the dishes and went out onto the balcony to watch the people.

Among the people I saw a long red-haired woman who immediately caught my attention. I searched my memory and was able to identify who she was. It was Giovana. The girl who always ignored me and looked at me in a hostile way. Without really thinking about what I was doing I ran down the balcony stairs to catch up with her.

But when I finally reached her I went to try to hold her arm and my hand went through her body as if she were nothing more than a mirage or a ghost. How strange! Why couldn't I touch her? She continued on her way oblivious to what had just happened. I shouted her name trying again to touch her and then she turned around. I saw surprise in her eyes at first, but her eyes began to transmit various feelings like hurt, resentment... It was at this moment that I remembered her. I knew then why she didn't like me... But it didn't make sense! Something didn't fit. Something was wrong.

Giovana was the girl I had run over some time ago... But she did not die during the accident! I remember rescuing her and taking her to a good hospital and paying all the expenses... When I decided to visit her, Mom intercepted me saying that she was already well and her family did not want to receive visits from our family. Did mom lie? Was she there because of the accident?

"You can't touch me murderer!" She said nervously.

Her angry voice pulled me out of my memories. I was surprised to look at her and realize that her icy stare reminded me a lot of Gabriel. As if they shared the same feeling. Her, I could even understand, but Gabriel? I didn't do anything to him...

"You are..."

"That's right, you coward!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Don't play dumb... You know very well what you've done. I saw in your look that you recognized me now."

"It wasn't my fault..."

"Oh no? Then whose fault is it?"

"It was an accident..."

"I know. Accidents happen... Nobody is ever to blame for anything..." She said sarcastically as if she heard those words all the time and crossed her arms.

"Something is wrong... I need to talk to you and clarify..."

"Okay. I'm listening. What do you have to say?"

"Look I rescued you and paid the bill at the hospital, I..."

"And you really think that was enough? You stole my life! Your money didn't give me that back! Look at me! Look what you've done to me!"

A knot formed in my throat. Those words sounded so cruel to me...

"Are you saying that you died because of the accident?"

"You didn't know? How convenient! How innocent you are! Perhaps the biggest victim was you."

"Mom stopped me from coming to visit you.... She said you were out of the hospital... That I was fine and that your relatives didn't want to see me... I never thought it could all be a lie. In fact I forgot about that accident and didn't even think about it anymore..."

"And you thought it was better to believe it as the absolute truth. Of course. That's too easy. Why bother and bother to go and check what happened to that 'insignificant' accident?"

"I believed Mom."

"And you also believe that that lessens your guilt?"

"No. I know I failed you, and I'm sorry for that. But what could I do to change that situation if I believed you were okay? I would never have abandoned you if I had known the truth..."

"I don't doubt that." She said wryly.

"It's true. When I saw her lying on the ground almost dead and her things scattered all over the floor I was terrified.... If I could give my life to change that moment and not hit you... I wanted to trade places with you..."

"I'm thrilled! It's a pity you no longer have a life to be exchanged, because I could think about it..."

"Do you hate me so much that you think you will never be able to forgive me?"

"Look, every time I see you I remember that you are the one responsible for my being here and at first I hate you yes after all I was determined to hate you forever, but what good was it going to do me? We are in similar situations now... And after I saw you die to save a life that was very important to me... Well... My anger was subsiding."

"What are you talking about? I'm not here because I saved..."

"It was in one of your past lives and worlds. You must not have remembered it yet."

"Were you allowed to know my past?"

"Only as far as I was concerned. We already knew each other from other worlds."

"But why do you have permission and I don't?"

"I only had permission because they wanted me to forgive you.... My anger against you was great and was giving me strength to throw negativity at you and your family. I don't know why you don't have permission, but I can't sympathize with you for that. It's still hard to look at you and not think of all I'm missing..."

"They who? Who wanted you to forgive me?" I asked ignoring the rest of what she said. But certain that the same thing must have happened with Gabriel. I believed I was getting close to the truth without having to remember anything. I should have killed Gabriel at some point....

"The... You will still meet them. Take your time for that as they are not pleasant."

"The beings of light?"

"You don't know their past, but you have been with the beings of light.... It took me three years to get to know them.... I think I am close to leaving here.... And so are you. But it wasn't them... It was other... Creatures. But if you've already met the beings of light.... You may not have to meet the other creatures."

"I saw them over six months ago.... No one told me anything about leaving here..."

"You must be very special. First you are here instead of the warm sky and then you meet the beings of light without being about to resume your life on some world..."

"I wish I was special in that way, but they came to me to free from guilt someone who was in the hot sky. It was not on any merit of mine."

"And it worked?"

"Yes."

"How nice that someone is happy, isn't it?" She said and was about to leave, but I called out to her and she turned around staring at me longingly.

"So I'm forgiven?" I asked knowing I needed that forgiveness. It would take the guilt off my shoulders, for it was too heavy and it was oppressing my heart.

"Understand that forgetting is impossible for me. You have put me in a very delicate situation, but you are forgiven yes. I will try to see you differently. The worst that could happen to you has already happened. And I used to harbor desires for revenge, but now those desires have become obsolete."

Those words hurt more than a slap. She thought it was good that I had lost my life as if it were a poetic lesson. But I decided to ignore it. Maybe I too would think like her if I were in her place.

"So tell me... Why can't I touch you?"

"No one here can. I am stuck in the earthly home and I breathe there with the help of machines.... I am only as astral spectrum here."

"In other words you are in a coma."

"Yes."

"Oh my God!!! What kind of human being am I? I interrupted a person's life and lived as if nothing was happening! Even I am hating myself now..." I said feeling really horrible.

"I thought that about you too, but you know what? It doesn't do any good to keep wondering. Things happened in a way that there's nothing to be done to change."

"Now I understand your hatred..."

"I don't hate you. Not anymore."

"I don't understand my mother... How could you lie? Let me believe that everything was fine?"

"She did what she thought should be done. To this day she visits me. She stands there crying.... She told me you died.

"Mom is a good soul. She took upon herself the responsibility that was mine not to see me suffer. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore because I can feel Mom's pain. But tell me, will you stay here? Don't you want to go back to the earthly home and resume your life?"

"I feel like belonging to one place or the other.... As long as I don't get stuck in both. As it is I'd rather die at once."

"Don't you like it here?"

"I like it very much, but there are so many things I'd like to do still back home on earth! Do you understand? I've always been very reserved and didn't take advantage of the chances I had.... I wish I could have enjoyed my friends more, had a boyfriend, been happy, told the people around me how much I love them..."

"So if you have a choice will you live on Earth again?"

"I don't know... I'd rather you decide that for me."

"Haven't you found anything good here? Nothing that would make you want to stay here?"

"Of course! I'm a teacher here too as I was on Earth. Teaching is what I do best. Before the accident I was teaching too.... Maybe I can take it up again... And there is Antonio too... I've never met anyone like him..." She said tenderly.

"And what does he say about that? Will he stay here until his body grows old in that hospital bed?"

"That matter worries me, but it's still in the process of being decided. Nothing has been decided yet."

"And until they do, it's just sitting around, coming and going..."

"Yes. It's not a pleasant situation."

"And if you come back will you remember everything you're living here?"

"Unfortunately not. Antonio told me that I won't even remember my name. That has to happen so that my memory has time to erase the memories of the life that exists here."

"I thought it was in their interest to prove that there is life after death."

"They don't have to prove anything. People have to look to the holy scriptures and find support there. Have you ever thought what a mess the world would be if everyone thought they could do whatever they wanted because they had another chance? Because that is wrong thinking. We don't get a second chance. We can go for redemption, but it will never be in the same world and unlikely to be with the same people."

"But the spiritualists..."

"Everyone interprets and believes what suits them and they cling to any consolation and come to believe that their wishes are an incontrovertible reality. But this is not how things work in reality. We have to understand that each and every act is followed by its consequences. Every belief must be respected even if we don't agree with it."

"That means that my actions were not very... Acceptable."

"Why do you say that? Your life was wonderful on earth. Don't complain. Many go hungry and are in need of a family. Things you had and you made good use of them."

"Yes. Maybe that's why. I... I guess I thought too much about myself and forgot to look at people and their needs. I guess I'm paying for it."

"I wouldn't be here if I was paying for anything."

I stared at Giovana without understanding what she meant.

"And where would you be if you were paying for something?"

"In the hot sky or, what I think is more likely, it would have become a being of darkness."

"Did you see anything that would lead you to think that?"

I saw that she turned red.

"No. It's just my impression..." She lied blatantly and my desire to talk to her died in that instant.

"Look, the conversation is fine, but I have to go. Gabriel might be worried. And I was supposed to prepare lunch..."

"All right. Bye."

"If you're going back to the earthly home I hope you won't forget to forgive me."

She smiled and the words were unnecessary. She wasn't going to forget because in her heart she had already forgiven me.

"Whenever you can come over to where I live. You will be very welcome."

"Thank you." She said and walked away with a nod.

Right there I said a prayer that her suffering would end. There was even a lighter weight now, but it was still there. The weight of the burden of guilt. Mom had no right to deny me the chance to prove that I could be a good person. I know she did it to spare me, but she was wrong. I needed to know what attitude I would take if I knew that she had been in a coma all these years. It was there that I would prove if I was bad natured or if I had good in me. Because of Mom's overzealous care I couldn't tell if I was really someone worthy of being there. It seemed that I wasn't. Gabriel must have been a victim in my hands somewhere in the past. He treated me like that and he didn't hide that he had reasons to be that way with me and besides him being cruel to me, there he was. In that nice place. Even though he was not nice to me. There was something wrong in that place. I was no longer sure of anything and the doubts I had when I found that lady sitting on a bench and watching children made sense again. Was it possible that I was taking part in an experiment and being driven to high delusions? Was it possible that all of this was a figment of my imagination? I was a fool! I let them take me to that place they called a hospital where they must have drugged me through food to make me hallucinate. What are the chances that a girl I ran over years ago would appear to me as if she were a ghost? That place was big enough that the two of us would never meet, but I saw her from day one.... Maybe her family did something. With technology as advanced as it was I had no doubt she was stuck in a bed and being a guinea pig for unscrupulous scientists.

I looked to the side. I felt cold again. And I knew that this was not normal there. I needed a place to sit in the sun. I started to walk and ended up in front of Dad's house. I didn't know what to do, but he was so real there. I needed to see him for comfort. No matter what my situation was. If I really had been in an accident or if I was a guinea pig. Dad comforted me. I crossed my arms to ward off the cold and climbed the stairs to the front porch of Dad's house. I knocked on the door and to my disappointment it was Alexia who answered.

She opened a welcoming smile and hugged me oblivious to the torment of my thoughts.

"How nice to see you again, Liza. Come in."

I entered and the cold seemed to increase. I began to shiver involuntarily and when Alexia realized it she stared at me with wide eyes.

"Liza... What happened to you?" Alexia said and ran into a doorway from which she returned with a knitted sweater and a blanket.

"Is that normal?" I asked as I realized that nothing was warming me up.

Alexia looked like she was going to say something to me, but Dad arrived on the spot and she gave up and telling him that I got there that way. They looked at each other understanding, but I pretended not to notice.

"Honey... I'm taking you to your house." Daddy said already taking me in his arms.

"I don't want to go back to Gabriel's. I need to talk to you."

"We'll talk there." Papa stubbornly said and carried me with quick steps to the house where he lived or imagined he lived with Gabriel.