Alone

Yet, even amidst the pain of rejection, I felt that there was something intimate between the two of us as we kissed. There was a wanting that was greater than just desire. There was a delicious energy when we touched that invaded me. I know it was like that for him too, but something was holding him back. There was a wall around him that was impassable. Someone put it there and he let it or he built it himself.... I needed to know the reason for the rejection, because he would also be happy and feel the same emotions as me when I found a way around his fears.

"Why?" I asked with bitterness in my voice. My grief was too great at that moment, but it was not like any grief I had ever been through. It was something much deeper.

"You didn't want to let me go. It was the only way I could find..." He answered after a while as if he hadn't understood the question.

"Wow, you are very persuasive. I'm impressed with your determination." I said wiping away tears. It was better to play into his game.

"You're very stubborn, but I won't say I'm sorry. It wouldn't be true. Besides, it had a silver lining, now I know what weapon to use against you."

"What weapon?"

"Your body."

I turned red.

"Why do you need a weapon against me? Do I pose any danger?"

"Simple. Because I want to destroy you. You can no longer do anything against me. You are as dangerous as an ant. But still, you are the most cruel being I have ever met. Not even the hot sky is capable of producing the pain that someone like you is capable of causing people."

"I can't believe you really think that about me! What did I do, to make you hate me so much like that?"

"In due time you will know."

"I'm tired of that answer! And you think you can use my body? I'll never let you touch me again."

"Oh, yes, you will. You will beg."

"Never!"

"Eternally."

Only then did I remember the conversation I overheard between him and Antonio. It was myself they were talking about without a shadow of a doubt now. But try as I might, I could not remember exactly what was said that day. I was only sure that it was something related to the past. I needed to find out what it was about, but I would not get anywhere with Gabriel if I approached him directly. I would have to go slowly... On an impulse I decided to start a conversation, already putting into practice the idea of finding out everything I could about him. I needed to get the pain away from me, and this pain was only diminished when he talked to me. Even if it was through irony. And I had to take advantage of this. Knowing more about his life now seemed more important to me than knowing about mine.

"Have I lived on worlds other than Earth? You told me something about it, but I don't remember..." I lied.

Gabriel looked at me confused and surprised at the sudden change of subject and mood.

"I didn't say that you have lived on other worlds at any time.... But I have."

"Wow, I can't wait to remember that! And have you ever lived on other worlds other than Earth?"

He bowed his head and clasped his hands together. When he raised his head again I saw with fear that his eyes darkened. I found out too late that I had entered dangerous territory. I didn't even wait for an answer anymore when I heard it;

"Yes... About three..."

"One less than me..." I was still trying to understand how far that could have anything to do with me.

"You assume too many things. If you knew the truth this minute, your head would explode.

I didn't understand what he meant by that, but I wouldn't abandon my newest object of research.

"And, you didn't want to go back to any of those worlds you lived in anymore?" I asked ignoring his last words. I wouldn't have any answers anyway.

"No."

"Why?"

"By choice!" From the tone of his answer it wasn't hard to tell that that conversation was starting to annoy him, but I couldn't stop now.

"How long have you been here?"

"Here in the Colony I'm not sure, but without going to another world...for over forty or fifty years now..."

"If you weren't here, where were you then?" At that moment, the amount of years he had said went unnoticed to me. Only later did it all make sense and I remembered his words.

"I wandered for many years in the hot sky."

"I have heard many times about that place, but I am not sure what it means."

"It is the place where spirits who cannot free themselves from a certain vicious cycle go, those whose conscience does not allow them to forgive themselves, the suicidal and some other cases... But the most occurring ones, are those I told you about."

"And which category did you fall into?"

This time he didn't answer, and his silence was more disturbing than his sharp tongue. I decided to try another way.

"At how old did you last die?" I asked and his eyes turned to me. He seemed relieved not to press the previous question.

"About 26 years old."

"And that's what it was like?"

"Like what?"

"Looking like that?"

"Yes."

"I knew I had seen you somewhere before.... Do you think it's possible that we met this last time you were on earth? Have you had other appearances before?"

He was thoughtful for a while before answering.

"I don't remember anymore. I have removed everything that reminded me of my lives, even the memories I managed to remove. They come back, when something from the past runs into me, but my appearance... It never became necessary. But as for our having met in your life on earth, how could it? Have you forgotten that you said I have been here for over forty years?

"What do you mean? You can choose whatever form you want here?"

"No. There is here, a place we call the House of Mirrors. There we can see what the appearance was like that the Greater Being chose for us and was lost by sins. And if we want we can return to that form when we came here. Some live some of their lives in that form, but, everyone ends up asking to be different where they go."

"So that's the way it was supposed to be from the beginning?"

"That."

"And why didn't Dad change shape?"

"Because if he did he wouldn't be recognized by the loved ones of that generation."

"But you have changed! Don't you want to be recognized by your loved ones?"

"I no longer have "loved ones", and the person who.... I really didn't want to have any more ties to anything that reminded me of the past, and I've told you that. It's horrible to have to explain the same thing all the time."

"Wow, that's a radical attitude. Why? What happened?"

This time he didn't answer and turned away as if to end the conversation. He knew he should stop there, but there was something else he needed to know;

"How did you manage to make that black hole?"

He laughed as if remembering something very funny.

"I created a hypnotic illusion in your brain as soon as you got here."

"Why did you do that? What's in it for you?"

"Because I don't want you to leave the room without my permission."

"You can't stop me."

"I can't?" He asked raising an eyebrow that rose defiantly and ironically.

"I shouldn't at least." I said thinking what would happen to me if I jumped out the window.

"You have many things to learn and one of them is that it is in my hand." He said raising his hand.

"You should be ashamed of yourself.... What does your other half say about that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your soul mate. Isn't she jealous of you?"

"What reason could she have for that?"

"Locking me in this room would be reason enough, and considering where we are, she might even find out what happened between us."

"And what exactly happened between us?"

"Oh, come on. We almost..."

"Don't be silly! What happened here meant nothing to me, besides, you shouldn't judge people for yourself. Jealousy is a mediocre feeling. Worthy of people like you."

"You are not human Gabriel. You hurt people's feelings as if they were nothing but trash. Better than anyone should know that you are not above others..."

"Even though I am not above everyone, here in this room I am the one in charge. And if it's any consolation you'll still be mine, but wherever and whenever I want."

"You speak as if it were a condemnation. Have you ever thought that I might like it?"

"Ah, you will enjoy it. But I will see to it that you despise yourself for allowing yourself to be enslaved by the pleasures of the body."

"I thought we were just spirits..."

"Of course we have a body! Not of flesh, but we do."

"And what will you gain by making me suffer?"

"You have an eternity to find out..."

"I don't understand you..."

"Nor is it to understand for the time being."

At that moment Geisa entered the room tempestuously. She was holding a yellow rose in her hands, but when she saw us she hid her hands behind her and stared at us in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry Gabriel... I know you've forbidden visitors, but I just wanted to leave a flower for Liza..." She said turning to leave.

"Don't go yet..." I asked.

She turned to Gabriel and looked at him waiting for his consent.

"I'll leave you two alone, you must have a lot to talk about." He said as he left. "Don't be long Geisa. Today she is more... Sensitive than the other days..."

"Sit here." I invited pointing to one side on the bed as soon as the arrogant Gabriel closed the door behind him. She moved closer and sat down, but remained mute.

"Is that flower for me?" I asked eager to start a conversation.

"Yes it is." She said handing it to me. "I've been here before, but I always found you sleeping. I decided to bring you a flower to comfort you. I had no intention of disturbing you."

"You never bothered me, dear."

"No?" She widened her little gray eyes. She looked surprised and not quite sure of the truth of my statement.

"Of course not. The people we love are not compared to nuisances, ever!"

"Ah..."

"What made you think that?"

"Well... Gabriel has forbidden visitors... He told us that you were going through a very difficult time and it was best that we didn't bother you."

"The one who really bothers me is him."

"Why?"

"He treats me badly. It's like he hates me."

"I understand... You are still very confused and it is normal, but know that you are wrong. Gabriel doesn't hate you."

"You don't know what you are saying, Geisa."

"Yes I do. He can't hate you because he is a very good man."

"Gabriel? He can be anything but good."

"You shouldn't talk like that..." Geisa said contrarily and I felt that she knew something, but together I also felt that she wouldn't tell me anything.

I took a deep breath. But what was I doing? Those were not things to say to a child. It was a mistake to think. By the way she looked at me I soon understood that she had read my thoughts.

"Liza, there are no such prejudices here. I am only a child because I wanted you to recognize me, besides, here we 'children' know and talk about everything."

"Forgive me for my ignorance..."

"That's okay, it's not your fault. After all, no one dies knowing."

We laughed together.

"Wow, I'm so homesick. I wanted to see our family again, to know how they are..."

"They are fine... It's a pity I can't take you to be able to visit them..."

"What do you mean? So it's true? Can you go to them?"

"Yes, I can! And I see them all the time, but they don't think of me anymore.... Only mommy... Sometimes."

"That's not true Geisa. Everyone loves you."

"No. They don't. They don't even remember me. I know, because I can understand their attitudes. They never talk about me. It's as if they have erased my existence from their memory. But sometimes Mom still picks up a picture of me and wonders. Sometimes she even cries... I don't condemn my brothers for forgetting me. This is a good thing for them. Pain should be left in a dark corner of the mind. And I know that I mean pain."

What argument could I use against that truth? There was no valid justification. I myself when in the earthly home only remembered it occasionally.

"And why can't you take me?"

"The first time you will have to go with Gabriel."

"Why?"

"Only he can tell you when you will be ready for a reunion. Did you know that it can be very dangerous? He has to assess every reaction you will have to meeting the people there. And if salgo goes wrong, he is strong enough to bring you back."

I closed my eyes tightly to calm myself and keep the tears from rolling.

"Let's make a deal? Every time you go to visit our family, then come by and tell me what's new and how things are over there?"

"Why do you say that? Soon, soon you'll be able to visit them too."

"I won't. Gabriel will never allow that."

"Again this wrong impression of Gabriel?"

"He doesn't like me! Doesn't anyone see that?" I blurted out.

"He has nothing against anything you, Liza."

"I'd like to believe that. Geisa, when you find Antonio, will you ask him to come visit me? I need you, if possible, to replace Gabriel. He's driving me crazy..."

"You don't know what you're saying..."

"Of course I do! He's driving me crazy with this torture of leaving me locked in here!"

"But... You've only been here two weeks!"

"Two weeks? That news was worse than I imagined. Only a hateful person could prolong their pain so long as to make the other feel trapped in that prison for an eternity.

"É."

"But every minute I spend here feels like an eternity.... I feel as if he wants to destroy me by keeping me and forcing me into a confinement. I believe he wants to get revenge for something I did to him in the past, but it's not fair! How can I pay for a mistake that I don't even know if I made or why I was led to make? How do I know that he is not judging only from his point of view? People change. And he doesn't give me a chance to prove it to him when he refuses to reveal what I did against him."

"I think you really need some time alone. Gabriel can't hurt you."

"How can you say that with such certainty?"

"Well... He is... First of all a very good man and he has always taken care of his patients with great dedication and... Well, the rest you'll have to figure out for yourself."

"Okay. For some reason I don't know, I realize you'll never believe me. But I want you to mark my words and know that he will never allow me to leave here, much less see my family members. I am doomed to be eternally confined in this room. He has me in his hands and the only remedy is to resign myself to the inevitable... Ah, Geisa... I understand that it was destiny that brought me here and I assume that I wasn't exactly a model of virtues - I really didn't deserve to have peace."

"But the war is starting from yourself! And the worst thing is that you are fighting against nothing. Why don't you try to stop fighting this fight inside yourself and set yourself free? Stop being afraid and let your feelings flow! Stop looking around, looking for negativity in everything around you! This attitude is harmful. Seek the truth and then you will find your much desired peace... But in advance I am very sorry for your way of thinking."

"Okay, Geisa. I promise I will try to like your hero."

"Yes. Hero is the right term for a man who faced all the situations Gabriel went through. Do that, try to see him that way too. And don't forget that you will never be alone if you don't want to be.... Now I have to go I've already taken too long." She kissed me on the forehead and left.

As soon as Geisa left, the door opened again. I had laid down on my side, but I felt a warmth and turned to see who it was. There were three of them. They approached me and started talking to me, but I couldn't hear their voices. There is no way to explain this experience. They also didn't let me know their faces. It was too bright. So much so that I gave up looking at their faces, because it looked like they had the sun on their heads. They spoke to me in my mind, and I heard my own voice speaking to me. They wanted to show me the warm sky and needed me to accept so that they could take me. Of course I accepted. It was a chance to get out of that room with creatures that I was sure Gabriel would not dare to face. One of those beings made it clear to me that I would not leave the room. They would take me through my memories. It was obvious that they had read my intentions. I accepted it anyway. If I couldn't escape from there, at least I would escape from boredom. A rush of air rushed past me and I was led to look at the door. Gabriel was standing in the doorway with his hands in his pants pockets, watching. That discouraged me a little. It could be his plan. And if it was, this trip would not be a good one. The creature asked me again if I was sure I wanted to go. I accepted. I would never chicken out because of Gabriel. They then instructed me to close my eyes and lie down as if I were going to sleep. I soon opened my eyes and found myself in front of a huge, empty desert. There was no one with me. I was alone. I started to walk even though I thought it was useless, because it seemed as if I had been placed in the Sahara desert and everywhere I looked there was only sand. The term "hot sky" applied very well even there. I felt unbearably hot. As I walked lost in my thoughts I began to hear screams and moans of pain that startled me. It seemed I was getting somewhere that was inhabited. I kept walking, but now trying to follow the moans. I wanted to see this place. It was imperative that I saw it. There was a kind of longing for it in my heart. It was important, but I didn't know why. The further I went, the louder the moans became, proving that I was on the right path. But I stopped. The desert was over and all I could see now was a vast expanse of burning embers and people walking on them. I wanted to shout for them to come to where I was, because there was no pain, only heat. But they didn't hear me...

"They do hear you..."

A voice said from behind me, then I realized that there was no more heat. Only a nice coolness and a wind that kept this place like an oasis in the desert. I was about to turn to see who was talking to me and only then I realized that besides the swaying of my hair the rest of my body was totally paralyzed.

"Don't be afraid. We will still meet. And you will know many mysteries..."

"If those people can hear me why don't you come over here?" I asked realizing that my mouth could also move. I think this being who was talking to me was there the whole time and I didn't see him.

"Those people feel guilty. They are not seeking refreshment. They are seeking punishment. Guilt consumes them..."

"Then why am I here?"

"Because you have been through the same thing as those people. And I was in the same place you are now trying to get your attention."

"I don't remember that.... How can they stand living on burning coals? It sounds horrible. I can't believe I ever endured that kind of pain by choice."

"The embers burn their feet and their whole body is consumed by pain for years.... But there comes a day when they begin to realize that the torture they are imposing on themselves has become useless despite the purification it brings to the person to spend time on those embers.... But when they decide to leave, they finally accept my help and come to me. That's how it was with you."

"That still doesn't explain why I'm here."

"I have heard the cry and anguish of your heart. I needed to speak to you personally. Because no one will ever be able to convince you of what I'm about to tell you. And I wanted you to see that people, no matter how troubled they are, like the ones you can see from here, we will always be with them. They are never alone. And you are never alone either. I provide that..."

"Are you God?"

"No. But He sent me."

Tears began to stream down my face unceasingly. I could no longer make any sound. It was an avalanche of tears. I was also guilty of so many things. Maybe my place was there with those people stomping on hot coals. Maybe I had been too cowardly to go through the torment that I know I deserved.

After much crying, peace invaded my being. I felt that I had taken a weight, a burden off my back. I knew that it was the being behind me that had made me feel this way.

"Now that you are better you will wake up in your bed. Always remember that you are never alone. That whatever happens to you will have someone watching. And action will be taken, for better or worse, depending on what you do. You are not alone. And there was another reason why you were brought here. You will know soon enough."

The being said and I actually woke up in my room. There was no one there. Despite his final words I felt very alone. I snuggled under the blanket. I was living a nightmare. I seemed to be screaming and screaming for help and no one was listening. It was a nightmare so real, it was impossible to ignore. How could I feel safe if no one believed my words? I closed my eyes wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. I didn't want to face Gabriel's cold eyes or the harsh reality that I could no longer count on the people I loved. And it was with these dark thoughts that I fell deeply asleep.