9. Chapter 9

MAYA’S POV

-Captain, the protocols are already in place for the intake of civilians tonight. We're in for a rough night. - Ben said after I allowed him into my office.

-We need as many blankets as possible, is the kitchen ready for hot meals? - I asked after checking the spreadsheet in front of me, there were a few things to be adjusted before the snowstorm started to fall.

-Yes, everything is fine. - He answered. - Central has already called to say that they will take our station off the possible night calls so that we can focus on providing shelter for those who need it. Apparently, we will only be called in case of a 4 or 5 alarm call.

-I was waiting for this confirmation to dismiss the B shift. - I turned over a few sheets of paper and signed the dismissal of the extra shift that remained at the station under my orders. - Please let the B-shift guys know that they can go home.

-Right away, Captain. - He smiled briefly.

-Is that all? - I asked and Ben nodded quickly.

-I'll help with the kitchen. - He pointed with his thumb at his back and walked out of my living room.

Being alone again, I couldn't restrain the tumultuous thoughts that had been raging in my mind since a few nights ago when I almost had an amazing evening with Carina.

Throughout the dinner I had become more and more surrendered by the woman, the way she talked cheerfully about her childhood stories, or how she listened to me attentively while talking about my father - which surprised me a lot because all my internal alarms went off, wanting to stop me from continuing on the subject, but she listened patiently and that made me comfortable to stay talking - or how her face lit up when I told her about my medal, all of these - each of these - moments, made me realize that she was much more amazing than I already thought.

I can't remember the last time I had such a pleasant evening with someone, and it was a huge disappointment when it ended so unexpectedly.

Her words and gestures made something crack inside me and made me confront a truth that I kept trying to hide from myself: No matter how much therapy I did, my father's claws had sunk too deep into me and left wounds that would never fully close. I kept hearing his voice in my head at every moment that demanded a little more vulnerability and made me want to cry realizing that he still had so much power over my life.

-Hey, Maya! - Hearing my name being spoken aloud brought me back to reality. Andy was standing in front of my desk with a creased forehead. - I knocked a few times...

-It's okay! I got distracted. - I confessed.

-Are you ok? -I asked.

-Yes - I lied.

-Lane issues? - She asked, this was how Andy referred to my past traumas. There was no reason to hide it from her.

-Yes -I sighed, although I knew that my father was not the only reason behind my problems and blockages. - I thought I had overcome some things, but I realized that I had only molded myself to the walls he had built inside me.

-Are you talking about Carina? - She asked directly, pulling the chair across from my desk and sitting down in front of me.

-How do you know? - I asked back.

-Because I think the walls around your heart are the last ones that need to be torn down. - She shrugged, as if this wasn't a big deal. - I've known you for ten years, Maya, I've seen all your progress, I've followed your resistance to therapy, I've seen you blossom after accepting that talking to a professional was the best solution, but I've never, in those ten years, seen you allow yourself to love and be loved.

There was nothing to say, she wasn't wrong.

-I know that "love" is a very strong word and maybe you are not there yet, but I know that you have strong feelings for Carina. - She smiled sideways at me, but I looked away from her face. - You're scared, aren't you?

-I'm scared to death. - I sighed. - Mostly because I know that she also had hard times with her father, but she got over it so differently than I did. She is light and happy, she smiles easily and jokes all the time, she is a ray of sunshine and I... Well, I'm not like that.

-You don't have to be like her, Maya.

-I know, but I'm afraid of tainting her with my way. I'm afraid of hurting her because I haven't completely let go of my past. - I confessed and bit my lower lip hard before running one hand over my forehead, squeezing my temples as I felt the headache begin to creep up on me. - The other night we almost had sex.

-What? - Andy jumped up in her chair and brought both hands to her face, covering her mouth as her eyes widened.

-Almost. - I reinforced.

-What went wrong? - She asked, curious.

-At first nothing, and then she wanted to be on top and that already made me very strange because giving up control is not something I like. I like to be in control, I like to be on top. - I explained and Andy nodded.

-And we know that's because you're finally no longer under your father's control, and when you finally took control of your life you became resistant to giving it up. - My friend elaborated on the reason behind my discomfort, and I nodded at her words. This was nothing new, we had worked on this a few times and Andy is usually the person who helps me with most of my issues, so she really knows what she is talking about.

-And even begrudgingly, I gave in. Well, I don't know if it was really grudgingly that I gave in, because some part of me was fine with letting her be the only one responsible for thinking at that moment. It was nice to just close my eyes and feel things, to slow down, practically shut my mind off. I don't do that very often. - Talking about it was making me much more sensitive than I expected, but at the same time it was giving me some relief. - But then she demanded a little more... Intimacy.

-Well, you were about to have sex, right? I guess intimacy is necessary for that to happen. - Andy laughed a little. - What did she want?

-To take off my clothes. - I whispered the answer and felt my cheeks warm at the confession.

-Well, that's usually how people get laid Maya.

-Not me. - I shrugged, still not facing Andy. - I don't like feeling exposed like that, it's like being a little clothed distances me a little from the person I'm with.

-Do you have sex with your clothes on? - Andy asked in shock.

-That's not the point, Andy! - I complained, raising my gaze to her face. In fact, the real point wasn't being made. I knew what had made me act that way during sex, but it wasn't something I shared with anyone, not even Andy.

-I'm sorry, but I think it is. - She insisted. - You're the one who takes most care of your body here, it's not possible that you're ashamed to show it off...

-It's not about shame, Andy. - I tried to explain. - It's about vulnerability.

And fear. And resentment. And reliving unpleasant memories from the past.

-You have confronted this before. This here. - She alternated her index finger between the two of us. - It's you allowing yourself to be vulnerable and you know that a lot of vulnerability is about reciprocity. Do you think Carina is being reciprocal?

-Yes- I was quick in my answer because there was no doubt about it, she had been my almost-lover who had most considered my feelings even when she was trying to convince me to give up my top place to her.  - She didn't force me into anything, not even to explain about the reason behind me not wanting to take my clothes off. But she told me that it is not something negotiable for her, she wants this kind of intimacy, and that if I wasn't comfortable with it, that I could find someone else to fuck and she would find a way to be okay with it, even if it meant maintaining only a friendship between us.

-And do you want that?

-No, of course not. - I snorted and let my head hang back and crash against the back of my chair. - I haven't had sex with anyone since I saw Carina on the other side of that ambulance; I can't force myself to look at anyone else, Carina is all I want. And I don't want her just as my friend.

-So maybe you can work it out with her little by little, she seems to me to be the kind of person who doesn't mind being patient. And maybe you can find a compromise so that both of you are satisfied with the arrangement between you! - Andy had a point, Carina really was an understanding person. - You don't have to explain yourself to her, if you don't want to, but take baby steps with her and it will be good for both of you.

-Baby steps. - I sighed.

-That's right. - My friend reaffirmed. - Now I need you to sign the volunteer release papers, which I need to scan and email to them.

-Oh. - I looked at her again. - They're already signed, here.

I handed her the papers and Andy gave me one last smile before walking towards the door.

-On a night like this it would be great to have a doctor among the volunteers, you know? - Andy winked at me before closing the door behind her.

I glanced at my cell phone a few times and bit my lower lip in a sign of determination before picking it up and running my fingers through the contacts. Carina and I had exchanged a few messages in the last few days - partly because I could no longer not have her as part of my daily life - but nothing too deep, some good morning or good evening messages, others wanting to know about each other's day, but the teasing and fooling around that were once so common had been put aside.

"Hey, Carina! Are you working today?" - I sent the message and was surprised when the three dots swung quickly in the conversation.

"Not today. I'm home all day, why?"

"Did you see in the news about the snowstorm that's going to hit?"

"Yes, Andrea was warning me about it earlier. How bad is it going to be?"

"Apparently very bad. The station is going to become a shelter center for people who need it, mostly we have to deal with some frostbite and hypothermia, and I was wondering if it would be possible to have you volunteer here tonight." - The invitation had been extended and I held my breath as I waited for her to type a response.

"Only if you promise to show me your medal!" - I laughed at her response, looking at the medal that lay on my desk. I could even visualize in my imagination the beautiful smile that probably framed her face at that moment.

"Deal!"

"What time should I be there?"-I wanted to answer that I wanted her here at that precise second, but I didn't want to sound so desperate.

"Any time you want, but I'd be more at ease if you left your house before the storm hit. I can pick you up at home if you want me to"

"You're working, Maya"

"No one will die if I'm gone for half an hour"

"If you say so, then I'll accept the ride. Let me know when you're coming.

"Don't forget your coats, if you hate the Seattle freezing temperatures before a snowstorm, I can't imagine how you'll weather tonight"

"It's not funny"

"It is a little bit funny"

"Bye, Maya!"

"I'll see you soon!"

I grinned like an idiot at the cell phone in my hand and sighed heavily at the thought that I would soon be in Carina's company again.

…

I was parked in front of Carina's house, sitting inside the Station pick-up truck while I waited for the Italian woman - she had texted me three minutes ago to let me know that she was just picking up a few items she deemed necessary to spend the night away from home so all I could do was wait - and when I saw her front door open, my knees shook a little as my stomach did a little flip inside me.

I loved and hated the effects Carina had on me.

I jumped out of the car and laughed when I realized that Carina was dressed in at least three layers of clothing, and she rolled her eyes dramatically at me.

-You said it will be very cold. - She murmured as she approached.

-Yes, but we will spend the night inside the station and not in the middle of the storm! - I giggled and got a playful slap on the shoulder. - Come on, little Eskimo.

-It's not funny. - She complained and gave a discreet pout as I walked her to the passenger side to open the door for her.

I loved taking care of Carina, pampering her might as well be my only function in this world, and I think I would be happy with that. It was all worth it when she gave me that smile in appreciation and I wanted to keep seeing it for a long time, that was a certainty.

-Have the civilians started to arrive yet? - She asked as I sped off down her street.

-They won't arrive until the storm starts, it's always like that. - I commented without taking my eyes off the street, missing her hand on my thigh as I drove.

-Is it common for critical patients to arrive at the station on nights like this?

-Not very often, but we have to be prepared for these cases because we usually can't move patients with the streets covered in ice. Many roads are closed off. - I explained and with my peripheral vision I saw that she nodded to my words.

We were silent for a few blocks, but my thoughts didn't stop for a second. I hated to feel that there was a veiled discomfort between us because it was precisely feeling comfortable around Carina that made me want to get closer to her.

-We're here! - I said as I parked the car in the garage. - Welcome to Station 19!

Carina jumped out of the vehicle at the same time I did, pulling her backpack along with her and looking around like a child.

-This is so cool! - She smiled broadly and watching her spin on her own axis while observing the details of the garage made a smile appear on my lips as well.

-I can give you a tour once you get settled in. - I said, and she nodded quickly at my words. - Give me your backpack, I'll put it in my office.

-Where your medal is?  - She asked back excitedly.

-Yes. - I laughed at her excitement. - Come on.

We walked to my office and Carina smiled and waved to Ben - who was at the front desk that day - before closing the door behind us.

-Well, this is my office. - I crossed my arms as I rocked back on my heels and let Carina's eyes again roam the space.

-Those piles of papers perfectly aligned and almost millimetrically spaced apart certainly wouldn't make me think it was someone else's office. - She teased.

-Hey! -I complained and she laughed. - Being organized is not a flaw!

I wanted to argue some more, but her laughter was too contagious, and I joined in the laughter.

-As promised... - I said and pointed to the blue box that remained open on my desk. - Your long-dreamed-of medal.

Carina turned quickly in the direction I pointed to and let her backpack fall at her feet before running to my desk and taking the box in her hands. Her eyes widened and her mouth was ajar as she moved the box from side to side allowing the gold medal to glow and reflect off the fluorescent lights above us.

-It's beautiful. - She said. - And heavy.

-Yes. - I agreed and stepped closer, both my hands now inside the pockets of the station jacket I was wearing.

-Can I touch it? - Carina asked, turning her face to me when I stopped beside her.

-Yes. - I let out a low chuckle.

-I thought it would be much harder to get you to let me touch your medal. - She laughed along with me and ran her fingers along the ribbon attached to the medal in a delicate and gentle gesture. She suspended the ribbon until the medal was hanging in front of her face.

Carina put the box back on my desk and with her free hand she held the golden disk, running her thumb over the inscriptions in the center of the disc. She looked at the object with adoration and excitement; after a few seconds she turned toward me and held the ribbon with both hands before running it over my head and around my neck.

I just stared at Carina; I didn't know what she intended with this gesture. Her hands went to my arms, and she pulled my hands out of my pockets in a silent plea for me to relax a little.

-It looks good on you. - She spoke softly, her eyes still glued to the golden disk that was now pressed against my body.

-Thank you. - I thanked her, but I didn't feel comfortable wearing it. - It's been over ten years since this medal was placed around my neck.

-Why is that? If I had an Olympic medal, I wouldn't take it off for anything. - She laughed softly. - I'd shower with it, I'm serious.

-It reminds me of a crappy time in my life. Winning this medal made me lose a lot of things, and I would trade it away in a heartbeat if I got a normal teenage years in return. - I confessed and realized once again how easy it was to be honest with Carina. It was almost as if she had an aura that just pushed me to speak the truth, to share even when I didn't plan to do so.

-I'm sorry, I didn't know. - She was quick to bring her hands back to the ribbon and remove the medal from my neck.

-I know. - I said back. I didn't blame her for being spontaneous, for being bold and taking risks. She had no way of knowing in advance what made me comfortable or uncomfortable. - I'm not upset. Are you happy now that you can hold an Olympic medal?

-Knowing that it has cost you so much, it seems less shiny to me now. - Carina shrugged and put the disk back in the box, then closed it and laid it on the table where she found it. I couldn't help the little smile that broke out on my lips. She always seemed to know just the right thing to say.

-Come on, I'll give you the tour I mentioned earlier. - I pointed to the door and Carina followed me.

…

I was walking up the stairs towards the kitchen to make sure that all the people had been fed properly. I found most of the A-shift firefighters there because over time we realized that concentrating people in one room allowed us to keep an eye on everyone in a more organized way.

-Do you need anything? - I asked an elderly couple who were having a hot soup, they shook their heads and offered me a smile back.

-Maya, its past midnight, you should get some sleep. - Vic put a hand on my shoulder as I poured myself a glass of water. - We have things under control.

I knew that the night was going on without major incidents - one or two bickering over the remote control, a few murmurs and groans from people who had taken too many chances in the cold and ended up with partially frozen fingers, and the sound of a few extra jaws clacking that were now much less frequent - but I couldn't get my body to relax enough to feel sleepy.

-I'll try. - I sighed.

I went back down the stairs, now determined to try to force myself to sleep, but that thought was quickly interrupted when I ran into Carina on the steps.

-Hey! -I smiled at the woman. - I feel like I haven't seen you all night.

-When you told me you were having civilians, I didn't realize you were talking about almost thirty people. - She laughed and I laughed along with her.

-I'm sorry I ruined your night off. - I let my weight be supported by one of my feet.

-It's better to be busy here than scared at home. - She shrugged. - You never ruin anything, Maya.

-I strongly disagree. - I murmured, looking down at my feet.

-You don't ruin anything, Bambina. - Carina repeated, her index finger under my chin as she forced my gaze back to hers. - I missed you.

-Me too. - There was no reason for lies between us. I closed my eyes as her hand stroked my cheek gently before she rested her palm against it.

Everything we felt was too intense, broke all patterns and stigmas, time was not relevant when the connection was genuine - we both knew and felt it - and to try to fight against it was to fight against my own happiness. I didn't know if I was ready for a relationship, I didn't know if I even had enough emotional maturity for it, but I knew I wanted Carina.

-Come with me, I want to take you to our safe place here at the station. - I took the hand that was on my face and led her down the stairs to the side exit that led to the garage.

I went to one of the trucks and started to climb the back stairs that would allow me to get to the top of the vehicle; Carina didn't ask me anything at all, she just did the same thing and I put a hand on her arm to make sure that I could hold her in case she slipped.

-Lay down with me. - I asked, laying down on the somewhat shaggy hoses.

It was soft and warm; it was comfortable to be there. It was even better to be there with Carina by my side.

She kept a safe distance between the two of us, only our little fingers were touching, and neither of us moved. The only sound was the sound of our breaths.

-I was 17 when I lost my virginity. I was always on the school track team and William was the captain of the soccer team, and we were that cliché couple who were together only because people said we should be. - I kept staring at the ceiling of the station and the low light made me feel a little safer, almost embraced by my surroundings. - One night, after much begging I convinced my father to let me go to a party with my teammates and he was already there when I arrived. I don't think I was in love with him, I think I just liked not being alone all the time, I liked feeling different things when he kissed me. I always had little access to affection.

-I'm so sorry. - She whispered beside me.

-He had too much to drink, we were in one of the guest rooms kissing and he convinced me that it was a good idea for us to have sex. I had nothing to lose, you know? Some of my friends had already had sex and talked about how wonderful it was. I consented, he didn't force me, but it was so different from what I had imagined. - I bent my legs, my feet now firmly against the hoses that lined the roof of the vehicle. - He pulled down his pants and pulled my shorts down, there wasn't much foreplay, it hurt a little, there was no pleasure involved, it was quick, lasting only a few minutes and then he kissed me on the cheek and left the room.

-Maya... - She whispered beside me, her voice failing as she said my name, but I refused to turn my face and look at her because I knew that seeing her expression would make me lose all courage to continue speaking.

My heart was pounding against my chest, I felt naked at that moment, stripped of any of my barriers, and my body was in a state of alert. I could hear Lane's voice in my head accusing me of being weak, and to ignore it took tremendous emotional strain, but I persisted.

-With time I saw that things could be different, but then I didn't know how to allow myself to break some patterns. I wanted to provide more pleasure than I had been provided with in the past, I wanted the person I lay with to be happy to do so, and I didn't know how to be on the other side. - The words escaped my mouth at the same time as the feelings overflowed in my chest. - I don't know how to be anything other than a top during sex because every time someone has put me on the other side, I haven't had a great time. I don't take my clothes off because I want to keep the distance that I've been taught since my first time.

-I... - Carina spoke next to me and sniffled. - I feel terrible.

-Don't feel that way. - I pleaded softly. - I've talked about this many times during therapy, I've identified the core of the problem, I've even worked through the resentment I felt about being taught that sex shouldn't be pleasurable. But I made my peace with the idea that maybe me keeping my clothes on wasn't so bad, that it made me feel safer and less vulnerable.

-I understand.

Carina moved beside me, her hand placing itself over mine and I turned it so that our palms touched, and our fingers intertwined as we held hands.

-It was good. - I whispered, now I was insecure and embarrassed, feeling my face flush. - Letting you kiss me and touch me slowed down my thoughts, my body was free to do and be whatever I wanted, and it was good. Scary, but good. But I don't think I'm ready to have sex with you.

-It's okay, I understand. - She sniffled again, squeezing my hand a little. - Identifying our problems doesn't necessarily mean that we'll get over them, or that they'll cease to be a part of our lives. As I said, I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all.

-I don't want to be your friend. - I was quick to say. - I don't want other women. Or other men. I want you. But I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to cede control completely and I don't want to do that, even though I have some issues, I like being on top of a woman, but I think I'd be willing to try a middle ground if you are too?

-We can talk more about this, yes. - She squirmed closer to my body.

-I'm not ready to be naked for you the way you want me to be either. - I continued, feeling even hotter from my uneasiness. - But I want to try to change this pattern one day.

-One day. - She whispered, and I felt the movement of her head and guessed that she was nodding. - There's no hurry, Maya. You don't have to work all your issues out today, you don't have to tell me everything today, there's time. I won't be able to change today either, to fully compromise today, but I want to talk about it, I want to compromise together with you.

-You do? - I finally gave in and turned my face around. I was happy to see that she was close enough for our noses to touch with my movement.

-Si. -She nodded, and it felt good to feel her skin against mine. - Thank you for sharing all of this with me, and I know it can be overwhelming, so I don't want to extend it, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for acting the way I did the other day, even though I didn't know your reasons.

-It's okay, I was more upset with myself than with you. - I shrugged, it was true. - You're changing a lot of things inside of me, it scares me, but I know it will do me good.

-You do me good too, Maya. - She rubbed her nose against mine, closing her eyes, and I did the same.

We were both surrendering that moment, both longing and wanting so much more than we were prepared to handle, we would have to be patient - and that was just too frustrating - but it would be worth it.

We leaned our faces towards each other at the same time, our lips touching in a chaste kiss, but one that meant so much - the beginning of a relationship based on honesty, patience and understanding - and we promised each other tolerance without exchanging a single word.

That night, after opening my heart and sharing something with Carina that I had only previously shared with my therapist and receiving so much care and understanding from that woman, I realized that there were so many more possibilities in this world than I was aware of. I realized that dialogue was really the best way out. I realized that taking things slowly didn't necessarily mean that things would be boring and uninteresting.

I also realized that I was falling in love with Carina.