48. Chapter 48

MAYA’S POV

-I hate life! How can the universe be so unfair? - I grunted as I ran into the truck with the annoying sound of the siren nearly bursting my eardrums. I jumped into my turnout gear, pulling it up and tucking my arms into my jacket immediately afterwards.

-Why are we hating the universe so much? - Vic asked back as she did the same thing and threw herself into the truck.

-Because Carina is on her way since it is almost midnight, and unless they have called the station to rescue a kitten from a tree, we won't be back in time for the countdown! - I yelled back, trying to make my voice trump the noise that surrounded us, and then jumped into the truck and sat in the passenger's seat while Sullivan already dragged the vehicle out of the garage.

I put on my headset as soon as Sullivan turned on the sirens and grabbed the tablet that was on the dashboard of the truck, clicking a few times on the screen to look for more information about the scene we were about to encounter.

-Shit! It's an MVA! Apparently, a truck. - I rolled my eyes and knew it was wrong of me to be whining so much about my job when lives needed to be saved, but I couldn't shake the irritation that came over me knowing that I wouldn't be kissing the most beautiful, soft lips at midnight to celebrate the arrival of the new year.

-Did they give you any more information? - Travis asked from the back seat.

-Of course not, it's New Year's Eve, do you think dispatch has time to ask for details about accidents? The lines are on fire! Fireworks are causing accidents all over Seattle! - I replied more harshly than I intended and, when I realized this, I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath because my friends were not to blame for my bad luck.

I reached into my pants pocket on the inside of my gear and pulled out my phone. When I unlocked the screen, I saw that there was a voice mail from Carina that had gone unnoticed by me - since I had spent the last forty minutes arguing with Andy that I was fine and that I didn't need to eat, since my stomach was not accepting any food in my current nervous state. I knew she was trying to be a good friend and take care of me, but it was definitely annoying.

Thinking about the possibility of being promoted made me feel the adrenaline rush in my abdomen - and not the good kind - and although Carina's visit earlier had done wonders for my body and mind, when Andy walked into my office with a plate of food all I could remember was how little chance I had of succeeding in my attempt to become Battalion Chief.

-Bambina, I was buying some things and I lost track of time. But I promise I will be there before midnight! - Carina said in her voice mail, her excited and cheerful voice warming me up inside. - I love you, I hope you're ready to give me lots of kisses before and during midnight! Ciao!

The smile that spread across my face was involuntary, Carina's sweet voice in my ear had the power to calm me down and hearing it gave me a little more peace to face the disappointment that was spending our first New Year's countdown apart.

-Carina, baby, I'm so sorry! We just left the station, a 911 call from a truck accident. I will be back as soon as possible! I'm really sorry! I hope kissing after midnight is a good enough option for you too! - Her phone also went straight to voicemail; she was probably driving to the station right at this moment.

-Oh, now that explains everything! - I heard Vic's voice in my headset and rolled my eyes at myself for forgetting to put my hand over the microphone to prevent the firefighters from hearing my voice message. - You're just upset because you're not going to kiss your beautiful Italian girl at midnight!

-Don't you think that's enough reason? - I tried to keep my lips from pouting, because I needed to behave like an adult.

-Maybe you should call her and tell her she should meet you at the scene! - Travis suggested in an excited voice and I had to look over my shoulder to give him a hard look. - What? That would be romantic!

-Yes, it would! You all sweaty and sooty and Carina showing up beautiful at the scene, pulling you out from behind the barricade tape and kissing you in front of everyone! I bet it would make the news. - Vic added and both she and Travis laughed, even Sullivan let out a low chuckle and I felt my cheeks burn.

-Well, we'd be in the news, and I'd lose my job, pretty romantic. - I rolled my eyes again and slipped my phone back into my pants pocket.

-You need to learn to be more romantic, Maya! - Vic chuckled from the backseat.

-My girlfriend thinks I'm romantic enough! - I quickly replied. - But enough about that, I want you guys to focus so that we can get back to the station as soon as possible.

-So that you can kiss your girlfriend, got it! - Travis spoke back and I rolled my eyes trying to hold back my laughter. I hated that they knew so much about me and my relationship, all this knowledge kept me from being able to deny Travis's comment.

Yes, I was more than eager to get back into Carina's arms and shower her with kisses, even if it was after midnight, and I was sweaty, sooty, and smelling of smoke. I laughed softly thinking about how she would frown at the smell and send me into the shower before kissing me properly - maybe I would even have some luck and convince her to join me in the shower, would that be too much to ask?

When the truck parked, I saw the ambulance pull up beside us and out of it came Andy, Jack and Ben and soon we were all gathered to assemble a plan.

The truck had crashed into the wall of a property, behind this wall there was only a pile of rubble and concrete - which prevented the vehicle from entering further into the property - so it was unlikely that it had hit anyone, but there was always this possibility - although remote since we were on a road further away from downtown, in the middle of the night on New Year's Eve - so we would have to do an even more detailed search for possible victims. Thank God the vehicle had not overturned - this meant less work and more safety for the team; it also increased the chances that the driver was alive - and the still wet road gave clues to the reason behind the accident. The heavy rain that had fallen that night had finally stopped, but the heavy clouds above us promised more water falling from the sky soon.

-Jack, set up a perimeter, please. Keep the civilians out. - I pointed to the curious people who had stopped their cars to see what had happened. The road would have to be blocked off; no cars would be able to pass in that direction. - Travis, I need you to call the tow truck, we are going to need one to remove the truck.

-At least it's a small truck. - The man said, pulling the radio from his shoulder.

-Vic and Sullivan, try to get into the cabin and report the situation. If the driver is alive and responsive, we'll finish up here much faster. - I said and the two nodded before running towards the vehicle.

-There's no smell of gasoline! - Vic shouted as she opened the passenger door.

-That's good! - I shouted back.

-Do you think we'll make it back before midnight? - Andy asked beside me, as Ben was getting the rescue stretcher and the cervical collar to take to Vic and Sullivan.

-I don't think so. - I said sadly looking at the tablet in my hands, typing on the scene and the team's first impressions, there were details that needed to be described in order to make a good report. - It sucks, because I really wanted to spend the countdown to the New Year with Carina, she seemed quite excited about it, she spent the whole afternoon shopping.

-Yeah, I know. - Andy looked as disappointed as I was, which was strange.

-Hm... Would Andrew come with Carina? - The question surprised me too, but by the time I realized the words were out of my mouth and Andy was widening her eyes at me. - Sorry, I shouldn't have...

-Yes. - Andy interrupted me and my eyebrows were now as arched as hers. - He actually called me just before we got here saying that Carina was already on her way there, she is going to pick him up from the hospital and they’ll meet us at the station.

-For the countdown? - I tried to push my courage because although I wasn't the curious friend who forced the other to talk, this whole Andy and Andrew thing was going too far without much more information being shared by my friend.

Okay, maybe I was a little bit curious.

-That was the idea. - Andy shrugged and I just nodded a few times.

-Captain, the driver is conscious and breathing on his own, he was wearing a seatbelt and the airbag deployed, he has some bruises on his face, but said he is feeling fine. We were only able to access the cabin from the passenger side so we don't know how his left side is, but he assured us that he can feel both legs, and other than moderate pain, he feels nothing abnormal. - Sullivan reported back to me after running towards us.

-That's good, that's very good! The tow truck should be here soon so that we can remove the truck from the site. No smell of anything flammable inside the truck? What was it transporting? - I asked back to Sullivan.

-Surprisingly, nothing. It was a miracle it didn't roll over, the impact with the wall should have been enough to tip the back end over, but it was as if the impact had been cushioned by something before the crash. - The man shrugged, sweat dripping down his forehead and his breathing heavy from the effort it had certainly taken to open the door and first handle the victim.

-Well, I'll help Warren and Vic with the rescue part. - Andy spoke up beside me as I went back to typing in the information Sullivan had given me.

-Actually, you'd better be ready inside the ambulance in a minute, there are enough hands inside and the cabin is very small. I'm going in there to try to carry the victim along with Warren. - He didn't wait for a response; he just turned and ran back to the truck.

Travis was setting up hoses - foreseeing the need for their use and it was that kind of proactivity that made him one of my favorites - and I just made a thumbs-up sign in his direction approving his quick thinking.

-Andrew and I are getting to know each other better. - Andy spoke quickly next to me, as if she was trying to get rid of a weight, as if she was using the last shred of courage she had inside herself. This was probably an accurate theory.

-I know. - I shrugged. - You're not as discreet as you think you are.

-I know you know.

-Then why didn't you tell me before? - I asked back without looking at her, typing in the general state of the patient when he was found at the scene.

-Because he is your girlfriend's brother and we have known Andrew for years, since he started residency and nothing has ever happened between us before, not even a glance, and then we started talking when you had your accident...

-Hey, that was months ago! - This time I widened my eyes in her direction, I was completely in shock at her words, never imagining that they had been together for so long.

-Well, nothing happened until recently. - Andy raised both hands in defense and I almost sighed with relief. - But it was months ago that we started hanging out, going out to talk about you two mostly.

-What? - Again, there was shock in my words, but Andy laughed.

-Not only that! But, you know, you two are important to us and we want you two to be happy. Andrew has Carina's back and I have yours, so when you guys were being a little hard-headed or when your relationship was threatened by that stupid French girl, we would sit down and talk. One thing led to another, and he kissed me. - Andy looked down, her cheeks taking on a reddish tint and I had to hold back my laughter because laughing now would ruin the moment we were having, even if it was happening during a victim rescue.

-That's great, as long as you guys are happy! I guess that's all that matters to me and to Ca... - I started to speak, trying to think of supporting words, but was interrupted.

-Captain! - Vic's shout made me turn quickly toward the truck, and I opened my arms in a sign that she should continue speaking. - We think we hear someone!

-The driver? - I asked back.

-No, someone outside the truck. Maybe he hit a pedestrian? - She shouted back.

-Come on, Andy. - I said as I ran towards the truck.

The rain started to fall - great, that's all that was missing - and I opened my jacket to put the tablet in the inside pocket to protect the device from the water before carefully getting down on the ground to look under the vehicle. There was no smell of gasoline or any other flammable liquid, the vehicle was turned off and, like it or not, the rain was our friend in preventing any small, accidental fire that might occur at that moment.

-There's no one! - I shouted, turning sideways so that my words could reach the cabin of the truck.

-The driver said there was a car, Captain! - Warren shouted back, sticking only his head out of the cabin. - Maybe it's pressed against the concrete on the other side, we don't have access yet, not until the tow truck arrives.

-The tow truck will be a while. - Travis spoke behind me, Andy was also lying on the ground trying to see something under the truck, she had a flashlight in her hands, but it was too dark, and we had poor visibility. - Too many traffic accidents and cars to be towed away for parking in no-parking zones.

-I am choosing to believe that they are prioritizing saving lives over fucking cars parked in no-parking zones! - I shouted over my shoulder.

-I'll check it out, Captain! - Travis spoke up and ran away from the noise.

-We're ready to pull the driver out, is the ambulance ready Andy? - Warren shouted again, this time I turned to Andy, but saw that my friend was almost completely under the truck, she was moving as if she was trying to grab something and as I lay back down on the ground, I pulled the flashlight from my pocket, and pointed it at the spot she was trying to reach.

-There, I can see the wheels of the car, the light is reflecting against the hubcaps. - I pointed and then took the same hand to wipe my face free of the raindrops that were not being contained by the orange helmet on my head.

-I think I got the plate. - Andy mumbled the words as she reached out to catch something on the ground, and this time the flashlight reflected off the metal and it really did look like the license plate.

-That's great, it will make identification easier if the person doesn't have any ID. - I said and crawled out from under the truck, standing back up and watching the firemen as they maneuvered the rescue stretcher with the driver strapped on it through the open passenger door. - Travis, help Warren and Sullivan.

The boy ran to the door and raised his arms to serve as a support point for the tilting of the rescue stretcher and finally its removal while the other two guys maneuvered the other side of it.

-This way, boys! - Jack shouted behind me and I saw that the barricade tape was properly in place. The guy was soaking wet and because he was dressed in neither his jacket nor his gear his shirt was sticking to his body and his hair to his forehead, but that wasn't putting him down, Jack seemed ready to handle the victim's first aid.

-Here, Captain. - Andy stood up in a huff holding the plate in her hands.

-Dispatch, do you copy? We have the license plate of a vehicle that is pressed against rubble and concrete. The truck crashed into it, and we were only able to identify that now. - I said after changing the station on the radio device attached to my waist and pressing the button on the microphone that was glued on my shoulder.

-We copy. - I heard the voice over the radio after a second of silence and nodded to Andy. - Proceed with the license plate, Captain.

-A. - Andy said.

-Alpha.

-F.

-Fox.

-D.

-Delta.

-Nine.

- Nine. - The water ran down my face annoyingly, the sound of the rain against the asphalt was deafening as I concentrated on breathing and continuing to speak.

-Seven.

- Seven.

-Five.

-Five. - My eyes were glued to Andy's lips as she spoke the numbers.

-Two.

I looked up at Andy as the rain dripped down her face, my friend's hair was clinging against her cheeks, the water was making her clothes cling to her body, and I followed the natural path of the raindrops as they ran down her bent arms while she held the plate in front of her face, the drops dripping quickly and then plummeting toward the ground. One after the other. Gravity acting in its most natural way.

The asphalt shimmered and reflected the lights of the lamp posts around us, the water on the ground flowed towards the culverts in a sinuous path, there were no straight lines on the ground, there were puddles and there were curved paths traced by the water. My eyes followed the rain's path to the truck, but it disappeared under the vehicle, so I looked up at the black metal that the cabin was made of, and it too shone because of the water and the reflection of the light against the metal itself. The noise of the rain against the metal - of the trucks, of the ambulance - all around me seemed much louder, drowning out any other noise except the intense ringing in my ears.

-Captain, the last number, please. - The voice on the radio sounded close to my ear, I heard it muffled, but turned my face toward my shoulder.

-The last number is two, Maya. - Andy spoke loudly in front of me and somehow my face turned in her direction again. The movement was strange to me, as if I was feeling someone moving me while my body lay passive to any outside influence, there was no control, no reasoning, no organization of movement, there was only involuntary, unthinking responses and Andy stared at me strangely, forehead creased, eyes blinking rapidly to ward off the raindrops that were still pouring down on us. Gravity acting in its most natural way. One of her hands came to my shoulder and she pressed the microphone button before speaking. - Two, dispatch! The last number is two.

I looked down at my feet, they were firmly fixed to the floor, I was standing, there was strength in my muscles, there were bones inside my body that supported me, but I felt nothing but the crushing force of despair in my chest.

-Captain? - I think it was a scream, I think Andy was screaming at me, but her voice was so far away I wasn't absolutely sure. I couldn't identify what was happening inside me, I couldn't tell why I wasn't hearing her clearly, but everything around me seemed to be happening in slow motion. I felt her strong fingers against my arms as she grabbed me and shook me hard. - Maya!

-It's Carina. - It hurt. It hurt much more than I could have ever imagined it would hurt to speak the name of the woman I loved more than anything in life. It hurt like a sharp knife entering my chest, going straight to my heart as the air escaped from my lungs and the ringing in my ears became even louder. It hurt as if breathing was no longer an option. It hurt as if gravity was suddenly exerting a supernatural pressure on my body, wanting to crush me, to break every single bone in my body until all that was left was a mass of flesh and pain and suffering.

-What? - Andy shouted, the rainwater running down her face hitting mine. I was still standing, I was still being supported by my bones, I still had her firm hands against my shoulders, and I was being shaken once more and it was time for dizziness to take over my head. - What did you say?

-Carina. - I spoke again, the name ripping through my throat as I uttered it, and my eyes went to Andy's and I think the desperation I saw in them mirrored what she saw in my face. Maybe, not. I didn't feel like I was moving a single muscle in my face, it hurt too much to even think about having any reaction at that moment, but my eyes were burning as was my throat and there was so much water on my face that I didn't know whether or not tears had already started to stream down it.

-Are you sure? Maya, for the love of God, are you sure? - I didn't care about the screams, the screams kept me there, trapped, firm, fixed, standing. The screams kept me locked in reality, the screams made me pay attention to what Andy was saying, the screams got a little past the ringing in my ears and made me want to truly understand what was happening, but there was so much pain and desperation inside me at that moment that I didn't know what "understanding what was happening" would cause me.

-AFD9752. - The letters and numbers were stamped in my mind; it was almost as if I could see them in front of my eyes at that moment. I knew Carina's license plate, of course I did. I knew it because recording her license plate was the way I had of identifying her car when she was picking me up for a date when we started to get to know each other better, or it was what I said to the mall attendant when Carina forgot where she had parked, or it was what I typed into my phone when she asked me to check if there was anything to be paid or any tickets in her name, I knew Carina's license plate because it was important in emergency situations. Like this one right now.

-AFD9752. - Andy released my arms and looked at the license plate in her hands, I missed the grip on my shoulders, not having it made me feel adrift and without something to hold me to Andy at that moment I felt lost. I didn't know what to do. - Washington license plate.

-I can hear the other victim! - This time Vic's voice sounded loud and clear, she was shouting from the passenger window and my face turned in the direction of the firefighter as she spoke.

She was hearing the other victim's voice. She was hearing Carina's voice. Carina was talking. Carina was alive.

The exchange of glances I had with Andy was quick, I saw her mouth open a second later, but I didn't stand there to listen, I just ran, I ran because Carina was alive, I ran because there was hope, I ran because maybe she was unharmed, okay and just needed to hear my voice at that moment to calm down and everything would be okay. Maybe everything would be okay.

-Fuck! - I screamed as my body hit the ground, the weight of Andy's body on my back as she pressed me there.

-Travis, help! - I heard her scream. - Hold Maya!

-Don't you fucking touch me! - I screamed back trying to get out from underneath her, the pain now sharing the space in my chest with the growing anger bubbling up inside me. My throat hurt with the screams I gave, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I had to get to Carina. - I'm going to kill you, Andy! I'm going to fire you! I'm going to ruin your life, get off of me!

-No! Fuck no! - She shouted back, and then I felt more hands on me and I struggled even more.

-What the hell is going on? - Travis shouted from behind me, pulling me to my knees on the ground.

-Let me go! I swear to God! - I screamed trying to free myself from their grip, but I couldn't. I felt Travis's hands pin my arms behind my back and a second later Andy's hands were on either side of my face. - Let go of me!

-Listen to me! Maya, listen to me! - She screamed, so much water was pouring down her face, why on earth was there so much water! - You can threaten me all you want, you can say whatever you want, but you're not getting into that truck! That's your girlfriend in there and you're going to stay out of the scene, you're going to trust me, you’ll trust my competence, you’ll trust in the love I have for you, in my deep adoration for Carina. You will trust that I will do absolutely everything to return that woman to you alive! Do you hear me?

I screamed, I screamed as loud as I could, and I didn't hear Travis's questioning, I didn't hear Andy's command words as she still held my face, I just screamed wanting to relieve the pressure in my chest as the tears -now surely falling from my eyes - mixed with the raindrops.

-Carina! - I screamed, my body was not there, with her, but I wanted her to know that I was here, I wanted her to feel my presence, my love, I wanted her to know that I would do anything and everything for her, that I would give anything to have her safe and alive.

-Go, Andy! - Travis shouted behind me and pulled me up so that I was standing, watching my friend run into the truck while Vic remained completely inert, not understanding what was happening. - Maya, I need you to listen to me! You know the procedure; you have to leave the scene...

-No! - I spoke back as quickly as I could, I would never accept to move even one step away from Carina, not when I knew she might be hurt and when I certainly knew she was scared and alone.

-Do you know what will happen if you run out there? - Travis stared into my eyes earnestly, water flew from his mouth as he spoke and as much as my eyes wanted to turn to the truck the intensity of the tone of his voice kept me trapped. - You are going to make Andy, Sullivan, and Vic stop doing their jobs to contain you! Do you know what that means? Wasting time! We're going to waste time! And we can't waste time, Maya! Carina is our family, we will do everything, absolutely everything we can, I promise you that, but I need you to go to that ambulance and sit there and only come out if they call you!

He was right, I knew he was right, and to think that I could take charge of that scene and conduct the rescue the way it should be done was a great illusion. I wasn't competent enough at that moment to make technical decisions, not when my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe normally, not when a deep, bone-shaking cry came out of me, not when my throat burned and hurt with the ferocity of my sobs, not when there was so much water in my eyes that I could barely see past Travis.

-Come on! - Travis led me to the back of the ambulance and Jack was sitting there waiting for me with a warm blanket already open. The two of them got rid of my jacket and helmet, they exchanged words that were unprocessed by me as I dropped my face into my hands and sobbed, surrendering to the utter despair that flooded me.

I thought I knew pain. I had been through so many painful moments in the past, I had spent so many hours running with my feet hurting, I had won a gold medal with a sprained ankle, I had burned myself more times than I could remember, I had been in a serious accident a few months ago, but nothing, no physical pain, compared to what I was feeling right now. There was no ground beneath my feet, there was nothing but pain in my chest, and the uncertainty along with the lack of information about what was really happening in that car left me completely overwhelmed.

Carina had come into my life, both times, like a breath of life that I didn't know I so desperately needed. She was lightness when everything was heavy. She was laughter when the world was begging for tears. She was optimism when my pessimism reigned. She was warmth and affection when all I had ever known was distance and selfishness. Carina changed me, not the way I talked or walked, not one opinion or another, she changed my essence, she made me discover who I had the potential to be. Carina showed me that life was worth living with more smiles, with more love, with more hope, with more happiness, and to think that something so terrible was happening to the love of my life at that moment tore me apart and made me angry at whatever greater force was ruling our universe.

It was simply unfair.

Carina didn't deserve pain. She didn't deserve anything that wasn't good.

-The tow truck is on its way, Maya! She's conscious, we've managed to get Vic's radio to her, there's a tiny gap between the truck and the car window, but there's nothing we can do until the tow truck arrives. - Andy's hand against my calf made me jump, my eyes wandered around my front, but I couldn't see anything clearly. I rubbed my palms against my eyes to wipe away the tears and wipe away some of the phlegm dripping from my nose.

-My jacket! - I quickly turned my torso from side to side in search of my jacket, and Jack was quick to hand it to me. - Did you talk to her? What channel?

-Three. - Andy replied and I finally paid attention to my friend. She had put on her own jacket and was in her own gear, she was officially taking over the scene and taking my place and the seriousness I saw in her eyes made me trust her even more. My fingers trembled as I fiddled with the radio button, Andy noticed my distress and took it from my hand to fiddle with the button. - There! I'll... I'll give you two some privacy, Jack come with me, I want to discuss what Carina passed on to me.

The man jumped out of the ambulance giving me one last sympathetic look, Andy squeezed my calf one last time as I took a deep breath and tried to regain some control because I didn't want my desperation to negatively affect Carina at that moment.

-Carina? - I called her name over the radio, and as soon as I released the button I heard the static. My heart was beating fast in my chest and pounding in my ears, there was adrenaline coursing through my veins and the waiting allowed fear to suffocate me.

-Ciao, bambina! - I wanted to scream and cry all over again, but this time of relief. I never thought that two words would give me so much relief in the midst of so much chaos, but we were talking about Carina and my girlfriend had a supernatural power over me.

-What happened, my love? What's happening? Are you in pain? Tell me! - The words came out quickly and all my attempts to hold back the tears were in vain because the second the first word left my mouth, the tears started flowing again. The crying lowered my words and I practically stuttered my sentences, but it was still understandable, I was sure.

-I don't remember perfectly, there was a lot of rain, I think the truck driver lost control. - Carina spoke, there was a cough at the end and now that a whole sentence had left her lips I could notice how weak her voice sounded, as if she was tired after an intense day at work, only ten times worse. - Talking about my medical condition won't help you at all.

-I want to know! - I was quick to speak as soon as her voice faded from the radio and I sniffled a few times trying to hold back the tears once again, I cleared my throat to make my words clearer and waited for Carina's answer.

-I'm cold, my pulse is fast, there's some bleeding, it's dark and I don't know if I'm bleeding internally or externally. - Her voice was partially muffled by the sound of the rain against the metal roof of the ambulance, and I had to hold the radio against my ear to hear her perfectly. - I can feel my legs, so that's good news, my head feels too big and I'm dizzy, but hearing your voice helps, bambina! Talk to me!

-I don't know what to say! - I confessed and closed the line of communication before she could hear my sobbing. I looked toward the truck and saw my friends gathered as they organized a plan and I wanted to run over there, I wanted to know what they were saying, not having any control over this situation made me even more unstable.

-Tell me anything. Tell me you love me. - Carina spoke up and I bit my lip hard as more tears streamed down my face and the pain in my chest increased.

-I love you! - I spoke between sobs, giving up trying to control them because I knew I wouldn't succeed. Pretending to be okay took more energy than I had at the moment, all my strength seemed to be directed to my fingertips as I pressed the microphone and to my ears as I listened intently to every word that came out of that radio. - I love you like I have never loved anyone else, like I will never love anyone else. You are the love of my life, you are the most important person to me Carina and my life only makes sense because you exist. I never thought that one day I would meet someone I would do anything for, but I would do anything for you, my love, I would take all your pain in the blink of an eye if it would make you well and here with me.

-I am... - Carina coughed and my throat closed up a little more. Breathing was getting harder and harder. - I'm so proud of you, Maya. Watching you grow as a person is one of the things that makes me the happiest. Hearing you talk about your feelings for me gives me peace.

I pressed the radio against my forehead and closed my eyes tightly as I sobbed. It hurt too much. It was suffocating. It was indescribable.

-I love you, Maya Bishop. I love you more than I ever thought possible. - To hear those words at any other time would have brought a silly smile to my face, but not now. Now those words sounded like a farewell that I refused to be a part of, but still didn't have the heart to interrupt, not when my soul cried out for more of her voice. - I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want it to be possible to grow old with you and tell you how beautiful you are every single day of our lives. I want to love every new wrinkle that appears around your eyes, I want to collect every one of your smiles, I want to see as many sunsets as life allows by your side just to see the orange of the sky reflected in your eyes because it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.

-You never told me that. - I spoke when static was heard from me after some coughing from Carina. My body trembled violently, I don't know whether from cold or from fear.

The cold was sharp, it made my bones ache, it also made me cough, goose bumps ran over my skin frequently as the drops ran down my back and clutching the blanket that covered my shoulders served much more as a psychological comfort than a physical one. The fear, however, was paralyzing and strong, drowning me more and more with each second that I didn't hear Carina's voice.

-I like to keep moments like this to myself, it makes you less self-conscious about what I'm noticing about you. - There was a low laugh, and I couldn't believe that Carina was laughing in the middle of all this mayhem. - I'm so cold.

-I know, I know, my love. - I spoke back quickly, not wanting there to be any silence between us for any longer than absolutely necessary. I wanted my voice to surround her, to give her some comfort, some warmth. - Just a few more minutes and the tow truck will remove the truck and we will be ready to rescue you, I would be by your side the second you are out of the car, I promise. Andy is taking care of everything; I am sure that the hospital is already prepared to take care of you. They will take care of you, and you will be fine, vita mia.

-Vita mia. I love calling you that. I love it when you call me that. - Carina spoke softly and coughed again.

-I love calling you that too, it's our little thing, something no one else will ever have. - I spoke back as I rubbed the fingertips of the hand that wasn't holding the radio against my mouth across my cheeks to wipe away the tears that had now stopped. Talking to Carina, even in this terrible situation, gave me a little bit of calm. Just enough calm to think rationally, to concentrate long enough to choose my next words. - I want you in my life forever, Carina. I know none of this is your fault, none of this could be foreseen, none of this is under our control, but fight for me, Car. You are so strong and stubborn, so fight to be okay, fight to stay alive. For me. For Andrew. For all the people who love you.

-You said it yourself, I'm st-stubborn, I'm not going any-anywhere without a fight. - Carina's voice was getting lower and lower, and I was more than grateful that the rain had let up a little, so that I could hear her words clearly.

-Good! Fight! - I spoke back, and this time my throat burned a little more, but I still managed to keep the crying under control.

-Maya! The tow truck! - Travis shouted from outside and I turned around quickly, standing up in a second as I looked in the direction he pointed and there was the tow truck that would allow Carina's rescue.

-Baby, the tow truck is here! Talk to me, keep talking to me. - I spoke against the radio, my eyes going to the truck that stood in front of Carina's car. All I wanted was to be able to see her, to at least hold her hand and try to reassure her a little.

-I'm scared, Maya. - Her confession made me sit up again, my eyes widened, and it was hard to swallow the saliva that was accumulating in my mouth. My throat closed and my eyes burned again, the anguish in my chest became even more noticeable and the pain that I had decided to ignore now screamed for my attention.

-Me too. - I spoke back because there was no point in lying at that moment. - But I need to believe that life won't steal you away from me like this, I need to believe that we'll fulfill all our dreams together, that we'll grow old together, that I'll have you by my side until the end of my days, until we're old and full of grandchildren.

-That sounds good. - She spoke back, and the smallest of smiles appeared at the corner of my lips. - But in case that doesn't happen...

-No, Carina! - I interrupted her, but I regretted it in the next second. It wasn't the time for fighting, for arguing, it wasn't the time for me to interrupt her, I shouldn't have done that, I should have let her say whatever she wanted because Carina being able to speak, at that moment, allowed me to know that she was there, that she was alive. Fighting. Fighting for me.

-Listen to me! - Carina spoke again, this time a little louder and definitely more seriously. I would not interrupt her again, even though it pained me to hear her refer to anything that made no mention of our future together, because yes, I had to believe that such a future existed. - Life is good, Maya! Life is a gift and there is so much in the world still to be experienced by you. I learned to read you. I've learned to read your expressions, your looks, I've learned not to feel overwhelmed by the amount of love I see in your eyes because I understand this feeling, I love you with the same intensity you love me, and I don't want you to think that I feel these feelings lightly. I wouldn't find this love in anyone else, even if I wanted to, I won’t ask you to try and do that, but that doesn't mean that there aren't other loves, other possibilities and other ways of living life. Promise me that you will be happy. Not tomorrow. Not in a month. But promise me that you will have a happy life. Promise me that you will think of me with a smile and that you will be happy, Maya.

-I'll be happy with you, Carina. Smiling at you every day. - To think of any other possibility would destroy me, destroy me right there in the back of that ambulance, but I knew what she was referring to. I tried to push the thought away, I tried to push the possibility away, I closed my eyes tightly and thought about Carina's smile, how her eyes sparkled when she was happy, how she did a little arm dance to celebrate small victories; I thought about her laugh when I grab her around the waist, I thought about the smell of her hair that takes over me every time I pull her to me. There was no other way to think of Carina. There couldn't be.

-Promise me, Maya. - She insisted and her words hurt deep inside me. They echoed in my head as fear again paralyzed me and stole my words. - I'm fighting but promise me.

-I promise. - I was wrong to make a promise that I wasn't sure I could keep, but I wasn't wrong to give Carina peace when she needed it most. - But that promise won't be necessary.

-Take care of Andrea. - It was as if she had ignored my last words, and the morbid tone of her words made me shed tears again. I dropped to my knees in the back of the ambulance feeling the metal impressions against my knees as my head dropped once again into one of my hands while I kept the other pressing the radio to my ear. - Take care of him as if he were your brother, love him, be tough when you have to be, but also let him in, let him take care of you too. Be a family.

-Can you stop talking as if you are going to leave me? - I asked between tears when she finished speaking, rubbing my free hand violently against my face. - The tow truck is here, the truck will be moving soon and we're going to get you to the hospital and you'll be fine.

-I'm fighting. - Carina repeated and I nodded at her words even though she couldn't see me. I knew it was true, I could hear the effort in her voice, and that alone made me feel more intensely the love I already had for Carina. She was fighting to stay here, with me. She was fighting for our future. - You gave me an epic love story, Maya, and if my life ends here, today, I want you to know that it was worth it. It was worth it for every moment when I overcame my adversity, for every moment when I was brave to go after what I wanted, but also for every smile from you, for every time I felt you sniffing my neck, for every time you kissed my back, for every time you whispered that you loved me after making love to me.

-I'm sorry. - The crying made me have to work harder to speak, and the pain in my throat, although intense, couldn't compare to the wound that opened in my chest with the farewell tone that became more and more present in that conversation. - I am sorry for being so difficult to love, I wasted eleven years of our lives because I was afraid to ask your name, because I was afraid to try to be happy.

-Difficult to love? - The question echoed through the ambulance. - I could fall in love with you a million times over, Maya. You're the easiest person for me to love.

The tow truck beeped as it pulled the truck away from the wreckage.

-You've given me everything, Carina! Please stay with me. - I whispered. - This was supposed to be the beginning of our forever, don't leave me.

-I lived our forever in your arms, Maya, every single day you welcomed me into your life. You gave me a home with each smile of yours, with each kiss we shared. And for that, thank you. Thank you for being forever mine, bambina. - There was so much pain and suffering inside me at that moment that nothing else mattered, no cold, no clenching of teeth, no aching of bones.

-I love you, come back to me. - I asked, pressing the radio against my mouth as I watched the truck moving further and further away from the wall, the back of Carina's car finally coming into view that night.

-I'll try my best. Always. - Carina said and I jumped out of the back of the ambulance taking quick steps toward the fire crew that was moving in an organized and synchronous way.

-Carina, they're going to get you out of there, okay? The truck has been partially removed, but it's enough for them to get to you now. - I spoke into the radio quickly while keeping my eyes fixed on the work of Seattle's best firefighters. I trusted that they would do everything right, I knew that they were well trained. I knew they would do anything for family. I needed to believe that there was hope. - Carina?

I gasped and felt more adrenaline being pushed into my bloodstream. I felt the air escape from my lungs and my rib cage now no longer knew how to expand. The ringing in my ears returned and I pressed the radio against my ear but heard nothing. Only static.

-Carina? - I repeated her name.

Only static.

-Carina! - The scream against the microphone echoed through the night, the wound in my chest opened rapidly, and there was no way to stop the pain, it seized me, drowned me, paralyzed me because there were no words to be heard.

Only static.

The silence had never been so deafening. No feeling had ever been so painful. I lost everything because no words were spoken.

I lost my everything to the silence.