chapter 11

''My darling,

You will never be unloved by me

You are too well tangled in my soul.''

—Atticus Poetry

Jacob bent down to lift the welcome mat, relaxing as he pulled out the spare key. He had thought Carter would have stopped hiding the key there. Needless to say, he was glad he was wrong.

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that what he was about to do was wrong. Very wrong. And yet, here he was, spare key in hand and ready to break in.

All he could think about was Carter as he slept in his arms. His soft snoring, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the warmth his body radiated, the way his eyelashes settled delicately on his cheekbones. He couldn't stop thinking about Carter. Thoughts about him were like a thick fog that blurred out his usually level headed mind and turned him into his slave.

He unlocked the door and stepped in, wincing as it shut slightly louder than he had intended. Even though the house was dark, he knew his way around having come over uncountable times before. As he expertly maneuvered his way around, he couldn't help but give in to all the memories that rose up in him like a tide, every turn and corner uncovering another one he'd forgotten. Silent as a cat, he slipped into Carter's bedroom.

He felt drunk. Drunk on the night. Drunk on the darkness. Drunk on their memories. Drunk on the sleeping figure of Carter itself. The darkness seemed to heighten his sense, making him super aware of Carter. His breathing, they way his wavy hair spread out carelessly against his pillow like black ink, his mouth that hung slightly open, his plump lips that fluttered with every breath...

His urge to touch Carter had maximized. He had told himself earlier that he wouldn't touch Carter no matter what, repeated the words like a prayer and yet, the sight of Carter sleeping was enough to shake the very foundation of his resolve. He wanted to tangle his hand into those curls and kiss those pink lips till they were red. He wanted to gather up Carter in his arms and hold him against his chest. He wanted to run his hands over Carter's skin and leave marks on him.

Jacob shook his head, as if shooing away the thoughts, and tip-toed his way to the bed. He looked down at Carter and saw him still wearing his earphones, tiny tears escaping his eyes like small rivers. For a second, he thought Carter was awake. But, as he stood there, he realised Carter was sleep crying, his breathing surprisingly still even.

He sat down beside Carter' head and gently wiped the tears away, kissing his forehead softly. As he sat there stroking his crush's hair, he looked around the room, the porcelain white desk catching his attention immediately. The moonlight fell through the window and onto the table, illuminating a little black diary kept on it.

He remembered the diary. He remembered Carter making him read random entries so he could give his own opinion on them. He remembered the way Carter used to giggle every time he appreciated a well written entry. He wondered if those entries were still there.

He glanced at Carter and got up, walking softly to the desk. He knew he shouldn't open it without Carter's permission but, like with every other thing that night, he felt his resolve dissolve away. What Carter didn't know couldn't hurt him.

Picking up the diary, he leaned against the window sill and flipped it open, looking for the old entries when a recent one caught his eye. It was written on his last birthday, when he had turned eighteen.

•-------------×-------------×---------------•

6th May, 2018.

(Friday)

Dear diary,

I was just listening to music and doing the dishes when Blood, Sweat and Tears randomly played and the memories flooded in like water after it shatters the dam.

I saw the ghost of a smile. The curve of a spine. The flutter of eyelashes, feather light, like wings. The slash of a jaw. The beauty of full lips, the lower plump and the upper a perfect cupid's bow. The delicacy of rough hands. The shadow of a boy. And eyes that twinkle with laughter.

I saw the smile I wish would never fade. The curve of a spine I would love to run my hands over. The flutter of eyelashes soo delicate and beautiful, I could stare at them forever. The slash of a jaw I wish I could kiss. The lips I want to, need to, feel against my skin, my lips, everywhere they can reach. The hands that I wish would hold me and never let go. The shadow of a boy who looks cold but is really warm, soo warm it burns; the shadow I wish would blend in mine so we would be inseparable.

And eyes that I wish would look at me with the same love and mirth they once did. Just me. Just for a little while. Just forever.

I tried to ignore the fact that it's his birthday today but here I am, crying and thinking about him again. Its like the day he left all over again. The pain never dimmed, just got buried under pressure and returned in full swing with the littlest of nudges.

That time when you miss someone and miss them soo terribly hard that you start choking and then the tears start flowing and they keep flowing till you go numb and lose all sense of self and time and stop living and only exist like the moon without its sun. That's it. Thats how I feel. I miss him. I miss him soo much. It hurts soo bad.

Yours always,

Carter.

•-------------×-------------×---------------•

Jacob's eyes glazed over as he hastily shut the diary close. He really shouldn't have read that. He felt the full extent of what he had done to Carter. Hatred for himself filled him up all over again. He felt like he was drowning as tears choked him up.

He gently set the diary back on that table, careful to keep the position same, and made way back to the bed, back to Carter. Sniffing, he sat down beside him and stroked his hair, wondering if he deserved to even sit there with him. He didn't think so. He didn't think he deserved even a bit of Carter, forget his love he didn't even deserve to look at Carter.

He bend down and kissed Carter's forehead, whispering a quick ''I love you'' to him. He knew Carter couldn't hear him but he couldn't help it. With a last glance at his crush, he got up from the bed and made his way to the door. Carter did not deserve someone like him so he was going to be a better person. Be someone worthy of loving and being loved by Carter.

•-------------×-------------×---------------•

Venessa had just finished reading the letter and she couldn't help but think of the boy she knew back in her childhood, the one she had come to think of as her ''home.''

She wondered if he deserved an apology letter from her too. After all, she had run away from there without ever saying a last goodbye. She shook her head harshly; what was she even thinking? He probably didn't even remember her.

And they had been kids.

But she remembered him so what if he did too...? No, he couldn't possibly. Besides, what were the chances they'll meet again anyways. This was a big world.

She looked at the open letter in her hand and thought about Carter spending all those nights shivering and crying, not even relying on her. Then she thought about Jacob. Jacob walking around with Sera, his eyes puffy and a tight smile pulled across his face. Jacob not even glancing at them. Jacob flinching if he ever, by mistake, did glance at them, as if their very existence hurt.

She remembered those moments the letter talked about. The coffee sharing and the affectionate kisses. She remembered them laughing and cuddling as she sat in front of them, shaking her head and fake-cringing, a genuine smile on her face. She remembered the time she had cornered Jacob, asking him why he was being touchy with Carter, if he was serious about him or just fooling around.

His eyes had widened and he had stuttered out a very embarrassed ''I really like him,'' his cheeks red and his loving gaze on Carter. She had known then that he was serious.

She wondered for the first time in a while that maybe he did deserve Carter.