Ch 10 THE DIARY

Desire is the starting point of all achievement.

Not a hope, not a wish

But a keen pulsating desire

Which transcends everything.

NAPOLEON HILLS

ELENA POV.

Yep, fate is something just as indecisive as me. Or maybe it's all planned I guess. I was lost in my thoughts while the fresh air of Suho was hugging me with all its might.

I was sitting on the wooden bare land that was a little higher than the rest of Suho. Seems like a dangerous place but it's not that high so it was right. It was a fascinating view from here and the world looked more than just a place for the predator to win and prey to lose. It was instilling that illusion that I once ran into, that there is a third way. The way, where no one kills or dies but everyone enjoys. They give each other cherry sauce regardless of what the other person is. They look at each other as humans.

That was an illusion, I was lost in it.

Remember?

I just...

Ran away.

And then again, I believed and lost. Isn't that right?

I don't know anymore.

"It's getting cooler now; it's not freezing cold. September is ending but still 12,-3 pm time gives the thrill of being in summer." I mumbled while pushing back the auspicious thoughts which will mess up my mind and I don't dare to confront them.

I got up and took a good look around. Before I started walking to the address Hilmen had sent me. To lighten up the mood that just keeps poking me.

As I wandered slowly, the wet mud was making me get my feet deep in it. And my feet were engraved on the path. After strolling on the pale path now I was on the sharp road. I saw several woman's working in the fields which were a little far from the residential area. There was hassle around as it was a busy hour I guess. Marts were opened or specifically mart as there was only one dominant mart in Suho which was opened. There were small shops and cabins or more like small wooden houses that were just only a mile away from each other.

I guess this is the place Hilmen rented. Actually, I was surprised by the fact that a place like Suho has a rental place but it's more like a cabin. I evaluated it .

Why does it seem vaguely familiar?

The door pressing the doorknob stood not locked so I got in.

HILMEN POV

I started reading as soon as I grabbed it from the floor.

FOR THE THINGS I WILL GO TO HELL, BUT I WON'T REGRET IT.

Even the title itself was intriguing. I wandered through the pages and started reading...

I was flipping the pages as fast as I could. Just so I could grasp every word written on it. The inscription of my mom was quite pretty but as the pages got dense the writing was lost. And now it was just aimless words written with trembling hands. But what made mom's hand so tremble that she forgot to write. And why the ink is so spilt like she didn't have time.

Why the small drops of blood?

After half an hour I essentially ended the diary. While my hands didn't have such a strong grasp to hold that diary. Actually, I didn't have even a pinch of energy to hold me as I needed a life to process all that shit.

I was trembling while my tears were flowing through their brook making my vision blurry. And why were they even coming?

Who am I sorry for?

What am I guilty for?

The one who is gone is gone.

Why am I trembling?

Why am I sobbing?

Why...

"So mom loved me all along. She made sure I was out of the city so that I don't witness those things which will destroy my childhood. She made me have a good father image when she herself got assaulted by him and his friends; every night."

I started repeating all the things which had started burying in my mind.

My voice was shaking as I remember the moments when mom told me how much dad loved me. It is good for her . Everyone loves to lie, right?

My hands were shaking and my eyes were accelerating back and forth. What was I trembling for? To think I didn't witness this all? Or that's why I couldn't do anything? MOM!!!!!

"Mom and dad fought every night because he wanted to do that shit to me. To his biological son! Fucking biological SON and me---ME! I think how my life is full of bullshit here while my mom was begging for my life there. It's great..." I chuckled but even my lips forgot how to put on a smile. I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to express this. I didn't know.

That was my mistake, I just don't know. That's it. I'm always oblivious.

"It's great to think dad died while fighting. When he falls and the metal tap gets in his head making him screech in pain from head to toe. From behind which luckily had a nail above it that resulted in his death." And even at that time, mom never told me how much she was suffering . I was crying my eyes out like a toddler.

I whispered as I was whimpering like a kid.

"And then even after all that? Dad's friend Mr Winnipeg still was trying to rape mom on the streets. ON THE FUCKING STREETS!!! WHO IS SHE? YOUR RANDOM WHORE! where he grabbed mom and she had such courage to write all this? my mom was brave." I exclaimed while making my point clear to the metal wall in front.

Hey, who made this all?

Metal room inside a wooden cabin?

I don't know and I don't care.

And Elena? That's how she met her? She saw mom and mom has written about this incident in such an exquisite way.

MEETING OF HILMENS MOM AND ELENA: Sierra writing.

I was there watching my life which I thought will finally be free to get fooled again. All I could do was to look into his eyes so far deep with the desperation of freedom. While his eyes were so drowned in lust that he forgot I was a human. That animal was looking to even eat and lick my bones to death.

And then and there, in the darkness, a light stumbled. I saw a girl of hardly 17 years old walking past us. I saw as she tilted her head to see me and I screamed as loud as I could to tell her to run away. Run far away and not look back anymore. Don't look at the hideous figure and also so that she doesn't become the target of this old animal. Or if she is kind enough to bring someone, just anyone to help me but it doesn't matter anymore. As I was already lumping in the darkness.

She heard me but didn't even flinch, and still kept walking in slow-motion. Winnipeg loosened his hands from me and tried to touch or more like grab her as she walked. Because for a wolf, fresh meat is tastier and her beauty was incomparably attractive. Her golden-brown eyes veiled by thick lashes while her hairs were just hanging there. But there was something about her gaze that made me want to look. Still, I couldn't see any hint of fear on her face. In a second, she grabbed his hand; the one which he was gonna touch from. And fractured it like she was a trained killer. Then she just glanced a look at me and finally I could see how pretty she was. A rose with thorns so poisonous, from which I got shivers. She shifted her glare from me and then chuckled as she looked at the lumping figure of Winnipeg like he was resisting. Resisting for his death which was just standing in front of him.

But I was happy! Too much I guess. My soulmate died who provided me money and this guy got murdered but I will say it's a suicide. Yep I did lose my mind. I am brazenly happy.

She was holding a knife which she took from her pocket. And it had certain patterns on it which made it look aesthetic. Without a second thought, she attained that knife on his neck where blood started sprouting as fast as it could.

She made sure that not even a single drop of blood dirtied her clothes or face. And she was laughing while looking at Winnipeg as he was still processing what happened.

That was the first scene in my life that intrigued me where I wanted to know what would happen next. What could happen next? I looked at my clothes which were turned from the sides , they were all dirty and filled with blood . My blood and my face were quivering with all its might.

After a long pause, we made eye contact which I didn't dare to break. She had a questioning look on her face.

"If the so-called feelings of desperation or freedom or hatred could adapt to saving yourself or killing others. It would be amazing but they don't. They are a little useless."

"By the way, I didn't save you. I just didn't like this guy's face when he looked at me." She asserted.

I could never think of this teenage haggard-looking girl who looked like she had been through something. And is probably from a rich family because of how pretty she was, is a killing maniac. She saved me from my utterly dark tunnel which had a dead-end from my perspective. We met like that....and she was the favourite Goddaughter of Katharine. I guess fate does plan all, Katharine's death and everything; I guess it's all related to her. But Katherine never told me other than this that sometimes we need to dim the light to see better. We need to have the darkness to attain the light. I guess now I know what she meant.

ENDED.

So the first person Elena killed was even before she was 17. Because no one can kill a person like that at first. What with this Katharine thing? For as long as I remember Katharine is a teacher who works in the orphanage and was mom's best friend. I tried to recall the past even though my vision of the past has drastically changed after reading this. Someone opened the door. It was Elena.

Elena...

"Ho! You are here. Have a good look around?" I said with excitement while my face was telling the reactions of the widows of WWI. I had closed the metal door when I brought the diary out.

Pretty much the same.

"You look like a toddler while crying," she said, while taking a look around the house, not looking at me.

"I don't. I mean I didn't. You know it's just the exercise I did and now I'm sweating.

Don't believe in such a lame excuse.

"This house is pretty clean, I guess it belongs to your mom," she said. And I was stunned how she even worked all this out.

Shit changed real quick.

"Yyyeppp. But how do you know?"

Maybe she used this house to bury all those prey she played with.

"Well, your mom and I had a trip here once. Before you came." She feebly replied.

"Me?" I asked while pointing my finger to myself.

"Yep, I was waiting for you," she calmly replied, her gaze solely glued to me.

"Why?"

"We don't find a genius programmer with an unsettled past every day, right?" So on that day, it was not faith but a plan so that I can join her. Does she know my past all along? Everything about mom and dad; how I always was a little proud that my mom and dad were so great. It would have been an amazing sight to look at the foolish me.

A hundred thoughts ran around my mind as I was questioning my existence. So that day when she walked in and sat. Was that a delusion? Does she really not feel anything?

"You can analyse your existence afterwards . Do me a favour. Get that guy whereabouts you know..." She casually started giving instructions.

"I know, Sophie's friend's brother Carson. I will report to you in an hour."

I cut her because I'm fucked up right now.

"Report? Fuck it." She glared at me.

"And you know I don't like it when someone cuts me between my words." She gritted her teeth which made my thoughts more uncontrollable.

I couldn't swallow my thoughts today so I grabbed her giving no fuck to what she just said. And threw her on the ground as I was above her. I looked into her golden-brown eyes with a little fear and my green forest eyes were filled with red pigment. And a whole sea waiting to be flown out any second but she doesn't need to know that.

"Now what? Wanna do something for me ?"

"I might really do something," I mumbled, as low as I could and she successfully didn't hear it.

"Just let me be like this for a while," I said, with a shrill voice. More like begging.

Maybe my fantasy is destroyed by reality today. And maybe there's no hope for us. But if I can change this reality so there is no way I will believe in this fate.