Chapter 5: The Anger in Truth
Day 12
I made the dumbest decision ever! I logged into my husband's Facebook account. All the things he looked at and messages he sent from Gay men in KC to the tranny he cheated on me the first time with! To Dominate Women, Mean Women, BDSM groups, Tranny's, Kansas City Secrets, to Every Woman is a Queen & Should Be Treated as Such, all kinds of women's names, White Slaves Seeking Dominant Black Women and so much more!
He also created a post on July 23rd stating, "I can't live anymore.. I am so broken and defeated.. I've literally surrendered the last of my safety and now I don't know if I'm going to be okay ever again."
He hit up a guy friend of his saying 'hey papi" which really upset me since we had an argument about how it upsets him when I call other men or our neighbor papi! That I need to limit that to him and in our bedroom! Also, when I asked him if he was interested in having sexual relations with this guy he swore he wasn't attracted to him. And the last time he had relapsed he hung out with him...
He also messaged two women saying "hi mistress!" Like really? The only female I found by the right name was an older lady from Independence Missouri by the name of who he cheated on me with. He let another woman give him oral less than 24 hours after our fight in which he went to his parents. And he did it in his parents basement like he wasn't a married man. He lied and said because it was not me and the Dilaudid in his system made him unable to get an erection!
So yes I need a divorce. He will never be faithful and he wants to be dominated and with a tranny or a man so I will never be ENOUGH!
I can't be married to that. Questioning every day if he is cheating or with who and will he give me an STD or HIV or AIDS! My health is more important than my marriage.
I deserve to not be called a Nigger, Cunt and more by my spouse. I deserve to feel safe and secure in my marriage! I won't ever get married again for sure but I am worth more than my husband has ever valued me at!
He constantly lies. Still thinks about that tranny. I'm not sure he has ever loved me. And I shouldn't be questioning that. I fulfilled the image of a wife and could bear him children even when it emotionally and mentally was not what I wanted! To be used and abused mentally and emotionally feeling like I am the problem is ridiculous. There is no fixing this marriage.
The betrayal I feel upsets me massively he lied to keep me, to get me and still lies regularly. I deserve to feel loved, safe, secure and genuinely happy. I have some issues but I am a good person. I love big until I am betrayed, I love hard and often. It's so hard because I am so lonely and horny but I am married and pregnant so I can't see betraying my husband like that. So I am going to focus on living my dream life, raising my kids and safe and secure in my singleness!
I won't date while married since I have a high sex drive I would definitely cheat and give caution to the wind. Not removing my wedding ring and being surrounded by kids will help also!
Hopefully the judge will grant the PFA but that also means our daughter wouldn't be able to meet my husband until she is 6 months old. Granted the next 6 months I will be in during pregnancy alone for the fourth time in my life but this one is worse since we lost one daughter at the beginning of our marriage, and because I am married but more alone than ever. Celebrating our one-year dating anniversary January 19th will be hard enough but to celebrate our one year of really bad marriage on April 15th alone is even worse!
My heart wants my husband but my brain knows this marriage is over and can't go anywhere! He wants a tranny! I don't have boobs and a penis. I'm not the level of mean or dominant that he wants. And I can't see myself sharing my husband. I made it clear before we married that what is mine is mine and I don't share or else I might as well be alone. And the idea of cheating while married makes me nauseous.
I don't want to be anything like my mother was during her marriage to my father. She was disgraceful, dirty and disgusting in my eyes. I took a vow before God and the only justified reason to divorce in the Bible was for adultery, fornification, and sinning. But the Bible also says if we divorce I am not to remarry and I am 100% good with that. The idea sounds like suicide...