Chapter 6: Before Acceptance

The heartbreak I am feeling is so intense. My mind is so confused..I know that our marriage is over because adultery, sin and infidelity were agreed upon for divorce without a fight. But my heart wants my abusive, lieing, cheating, possibly gay, narcissist husband knowing what all he has done. And my gut can't decide because I get nauseous and butterflies when I think of him. Mayne it is the pregnancy or maybe my nerves are just that shot!

When we first started dating he had freaked out and relapsed. At that time he did meth with a tranny that was born a man and still had a penis but also had breasts as well. He allowed her to fuck him in his ass and claims that it hurt because of her penis size. Yet he looked her up while at his parents during a separation that spiraled out of control during Christmas break. The most disrespectful thing he could possibly do to bring that person back into our lives knowing how much pain that caused me the first time that he cheated with her! And he promised to never cheat again, that he wasnt a cheater or gay/bisexual, and that he doesn't like those things when sober!

Trying to join Gay Men in KC groups on Facebook but was denied access because he wouldn't put his picture out there as a married man that is supposed to be straight! He doesn't want the world to know he likes to be dominated, humiliated and disrespected in the bedroom. And apparently, he didn't want his own wife to know either! The groups about dominating women, white slaves for black dominate women, mean women and more broke my heart. I am more a submissive and when I was dominant he didn't like it; so basically I will never be enough to fulfill his sexual desires. How do we go on with that elephant always hanging over us?

Not being able to say the things I am feeling to him hurts. I gave him my all. I have so many demons now. How do I love again? How do I live without my husband? How do I divorce him when I love him with all my heart? I can't forgive the decisions and lies, the cheating and searching, and the messages will permanently be implanted in my brain! He was never honest to tell me he never loved me! My world has entirely collapsed and I lost everything.

I now must rebuild alone again. This is so freaking old. I need to stop depending on people! What lesson is God trying to teach me? I didn't think I was marriage material before this... Now I am sure I am not! Everyone used to judge me for giving men a three months expiration date but this is why! I have been faithful and I am the one left crying, pregnant, and feeling broken! I am not a crier but because of pregnancy hormones I can actually heal some of this damage. He pretended for so long that he couldn't live without me.

I have no idea whom to trust. Everyone is so mad that they trusted him and he promised to keep me safe and be my strength since I have been so strong for 18 years as a single mom and 29 years in a life as a neglected daughter! I don't think my father can forgive him, nor my son's! But moreso I don't think I can either!

I don't want to drown the pain. I need to heal myself for our unborn baby and my son! They need a strong mother not a broken soul. The pain of this betrayal, heartbreak and deceit is killing me inside. I have not done anyone this wrong. I haven't been fine since May when we had to have a D&C due to an unhealthy pregnancy. That broke me since I had one job and my body couldn't do it. I thought I was finally married and I was unable to bare any more kids!!! So I was struggling everyday for six months and nobody sent me a lifeline or helped. Not even my own husband!

I let him in and let him see all the sides of me. I relied on him mentally, emotionally and socially. Honestly , I had never let anyone fully in since I was 17 years old so almost 22 years ago. Sexually I thought we enjoyed our sex life but apparently that was me enjoying more than him..and physically I called him my safe place and that made him feel needed so he loved it! Or so I thought. Shit, he tattooed my name and date of birth on his chest! Who does that while blantly lieing to their spouse?

The worst part is even if we could find a way to move past this all. My friends, sons and family members won't be as forgiving. Shit, my father is more likely to put a bullet in him than forgive him for not keeping me safe and for not protecting his little girl! And honestly, I don't blame him. My husband looked my father dead in the face and promised to keep me safe, protect me and to always be there! After all I had endured that was my father's top priority and desire for me to be happy!

So many emotions today and the thoughts won't stop..the pain won't numb.. and the most disgraceful part is that I believed I was somewhat responsible for how this all played out! I know I am smarter than that. I know I should know better than that! How can I believe the words of an addict? Maybe it was reflex, or the repetitive insults and degrading, or maybe it was my walls being broken down and me trusting in him to not hurt me! My brain knows all the things I did wrong but my heart can't accept them!

I need to find a way to talk about it all. I don't want him to necessarily look like the bad guy; but I need to find a way to talk about it all verbally and not just write it all out. Journaling is helping me though for the time being. I have to beat all of this and heal myself. My kids need this, deserve this and shouldn't be dealing with my trauma. It is my responsibility as a mother to protect their minds and emotions from my pain and hurt! The sacrifices we make as mothers and parents is unrivaled!