Mr. Dad Replaced Me with Some Kid from Tennessee

The video opens to Peter and Tony sitting in Peter's room, on his bed. 

"Alright, Peter," Tony says, turning to face Peter. "Do you have any idea why we're filming this video?" 

"No," Peter shakes his head. "You just told me to step away from Morgan for five minutes to come film with you." 

"Yes, I did," Tony says, turning back to the camera. "So, Peter probably doesn't know this, because he doesn't edit the videos, and he doesn't go back to watch them once they're posted, but in the last video I said that things were going to get even more chaotic because we've got a surprise visitor on his way." 

"A surprise visitor?" Peter interrupts. "Who's coming? Why are we having a surprise visitor?" 

"Hold your horses," Tony says. "Let me finish. So, this someone has just arrived downstairs, and he texted me saying he was here and to get everyone ready. Now, I'm about to text him back, telling him to come on up, so… shall we head out to the living room and meet our guest?" 

"I guess," Peter says. "Why didn't we just film this in the living room? I was already in there." 

"Shush," Tony rolls his eyes. "I'm not good at this." 

{cut}

"We're in the living room," Peter lifts the camera to show Tony, Natasha, Steve, and Bucky sitting behind him, as well as Pepper, who can be seen standing in the kitchen, bouncing Morgan. "We're waiting to meet Mr. Dad's oh so special surprise guest, who should be getting here right about-"

The elevator dings.

"Now!" Peter says brightly. "Alright, let's see who this is all about." 

Peter turns the camera to face the hallway that leads to the elevator. There's silence for a moment, before a teenage boy who looks to be around Peter's age with messy blonde hair enters the room. 

"Um, hello," The boy says, looking startled at the camera fixed on his face. "I did not consent to be filmed." 

"Relax, kid," Tony says, standing up and walking towards him. "Good to see you." 

"You too," the boy says, still giving the camera odd looks. 

"Alright, alright," Tony sighs. "Peter, this is Harley. Harley, this is Peter." 

"Oh, the boy you adopted a few months ago?" Harley asks. "Yeah, hi. I'm Harley. Nice to meet you." 

"You too…" Peter says, his hand appearing from behind the camera. The two boys shake hands. "So… how do you know Mr. Da- I mean, um, Mr. Stark?" 

"What?" Tony interrupts, sounding indignant. "Someone new shows up and we're back to Mr. Stark?" 

"You can call him whatever you want," Harley adds. "I've watched your YouTube videos." 

"Okay, how do you know Mr. Dad, then?" Peter says, sounding vaguely embarrassed. 

"He broke into my garage when I was eleven," Harley says offhandedly. "You know, I just came downstairs, heard a crash, grabbed my potato gun and there was Tony Stark, his suit totally destroyed and eating a sandwich. So I helped him fix his suit and sent him on his way. Then he made my garage totally awesome, and we kept in touch." 

"Oh." is all Peter says. 

{cut}

"So," Peter says, sounding massively annoyed. "Mr. Dad wants us to play a game together, and he insists we film it. At least parts of it. So here we are. We're playing this game called Scattergories. Look it up if you don't know how to play." 

{cut}

"Damn it!" Harley snaps. "'Deli' is not an acceptable answer for 'sandwiches'!" 

"We allowed 'meat'!" Peter retorts. "Deli is a perfectly acceptable answer!" 

The camera zooms in on Tony pinching his nose.

{cut}

"A tomato is not a ******* vegetable," Peter rolls his eyes. 

"Well, did you have anything better?" Harley asks, mockingly looking over Peter's shoulder at his paper. "No, you didn't have anything, so I don't think you're one to talk!" 

"I'm allowed to veto your answers!" Peter snaps. "And I say that a tomato is not a vegetable!" 

{cut}

"Alright, different game," Tony claps his hands and pulls both boys's papers out of their hands. "Go on. Go play Twister. You both like that game." 

Peter and Harley shoot each other skeptical looks, but obediently, Peter leaves to find the game. 

{cut}

"Stop hitting my leg!" Peter shouts angrily. 

He and Harley are both in odd, contorted positions that shouldn't be possible, with Tony on the spinner. 

"I swear to god, you have to be cheating somehow!" Harley insists. "There is no way someone can hold that position without falling down! Your hands aren't even slipping!" 

"It's not my fault you're a butterfingers and I'm not," Peter retorts. "And deliberately punching someone's leg to get them to fall over is cheating." 

"Okay, we're done," Tony throws the spinner to the side. "Both of you, out. Go on a walk. Come back when you've figured out how to get along." 

The boys slide out of their contortions, give each other a massively dirty look, and then walk out of frame. 

"Regretting introducing them?" Natasha's voice asks from behind the camera, as Tony sighs and runs a hand down his face. 

"Almost," Tony admits. "I guess I thought they'd get along great. That does not appear to be happening." 

"Well, you never know," Natasha says, a smile in her voice. "Maybe something will happen on the walk, and they'll come back best friends." 

Tony snorts disbelievingly. "Unless Peter somehow saves Harley's life, I don't think that's gonna happen." 

{cut}

"So, here we are," Peter says, his voice furious. "Mr. Dad wanted us to film our walk, so he could make sure we didn't kill each other. So off we go, me and the stupid kid from stupid Tennessee, off on a stupid walk around stupid New York. Yay." 

"Wow, that's a lot of stupid," Harley says from Peter's side. "Of course, you've got plenty to go around, so, I guess it can't hurt to share some." 

"I swear to *******-" 

{cut}

Peter has sped up, and is walking a good twenty paces in front of Harley, who is visible strolling along in the background. 

"I'm gonna go to Ned's house," Peter informs the camera. "Maybe he can get this Harley kid off my back. I swear, I can't handle- what the ****?" 

A man in a black hoodie suddenly grabs Harley from behind. Peter swears and drops the camera, leaving us with a view of dozens of feet walking past the lens. 

{cut}

Both boys are out of breath, and seemingly walking quickly back to the tower. 

"Oh my god," Peter pants. "Oh my god. So, I was walking, right? And Harley was behind me. And as I'm just talking to you guys, I notice some guy following Harley, and right as I notice him, the guy just ******* grabs Harley from behind. So I panic, and run back to stop him, and I see him dragging Harley into an alleyway, a ******* knife at his neck." 

"I thought I was gonna die," Harley chimes in. "Seriously, it's like, the second time I've felt ridiculously close to death." 

"Yeah, it was insane," Peter nods. "So I start screaming at this guy, telling him to let Harley go and all that standard ****, and the guy just says 'give yourself up and I won't hurt pretty-boy here!'"

"First of all," Harley interjects. "If anyone ever calls me pretty-boy again, I will kill them. Second of all, why the hell would he expect Peter to just give himself up?"

"And also, what kind of idiot do you have to be to try to kidnap Iron Man's son and his friend?" Peter adds. "That's just… that's a new kind of stupid." 

"So Peter just rolls his eyes," Harley continues the story, as the two arrive at Stark Tower and cross the lobby. "And goes, 'yeah, sure, I'll do that.' So he puts his hands up and walks towards this guy, who shoves me away, and grabs Peter, and before me or the idiot know what's going on, Peter's punched him in the face and kicked him in the dick at the same time!" 

The boys enter an elevator, and Peter clicks a button. 

"Yeah, so he doubles over, moaning in pain," Peter nods. "And Harley runs out and gets the attention of this cop who happened to be passing by, and the guy gets arrested for attempted kidnapping! And now he's in jail, and I'm sure once Mr. Dad hears the story he's gonna make sure he never leaves, but like… damn. First time anyone's ever tried to kidnap me. Or my friend." 

"What, I'm your friend now?" Harley asks, giving Peter an odd look. 

"I mean, obviously," Peter rolls his eyes. "What, you thought I was just gonna save your life and go, 'okay, back to throwing insults at each other'?" 

"I mean, sort of," Harley shrugs. 

The elevator arrives at the penthouse level. 

"You two seem to be getting along," Tony says, coming into view. "Did something happen on that walk that drastically altered your views?" 

"Peter was almost kidnapped," Harley supplies. 

"Harley was almost murdered," Peter adds. 

There's a beat of silence. 

"What?" 

{cut}

"So, in case you're slow on the uptake," Peter says, standing in Tony's lab. "Harley and I are friends now. He's gonna help me work on some confidential stuff with Mr. Dad, so… we'll be back shortly. Probably not, it might be tomorrow. Harley's staying for an indefinite amount of time, so… we're gonna do some crazy ****." 

{cut}

"Okay, so, it's only been, like, three hours since we started working in the lab," Peter says, walking down a hallway. "But Pepper just called us to dinner, and I realized, Harley hasn't met Morgan yet. She was taking a nap when he got here, and while we were playing games, and then we were on a walk, taking down kidnappers, and locked up in the lab, so… we've gotta introduce him to Morgan!"

{cut}

Peter and Harley are sitting next to each other at the dinner table. Tony is sitting at the head, with Pepper on his right, Morgan in her arms. Peter is on his left, with Harley next to him. Natasha is beside Harley, and Steve and Bucky are next to Pepper. 

"She's the cutest thing I have ever seen," Harley says, staring at Morgan. "Besides my sister, of course. Like… she's just the cutest. I love her. I would die for her." 

Pepper laughs lightly, and lifts her up gently. Morgan peers at the two boys with massive, brown doe-eyes, blinking innocently. Peter and Harley both visibly melt. 

{cut}

"Hello, Ironfam," Peter says brightly. "It is officially two days since Harley arrived. I didn't film much of yesterday, because it was mostly just the two of us being absolute babies over Morgan. So… we didn't actually do much. But today could be interesting, because we're going to be baking cookies. Now, lots of you might say that that's not very interesting, but… neither of us are good cooks. I mean, I'm decent, my… my aunt May was a terrible cook, so I kind of had to help her figure it out if we didn't want to order food, and Harley says he's cooked a couple times, but neither of us have ever baked anything, so… it's gonna be interesting."

"I don't know what he's talking about," Harley's voice interrupts. "I'm a fantastic cook." 

Peter lifts the camera over his shoulder, showing Harley in the kitchen, searching through the cupboards. 

"Okay, well… we're gonna get started," Peter says brightly. "Let's see how this goes!" 

{cut}

"So, we don't have a recipe," Harley says slowly. "So we're just gonna… see how this goes." 

"I'm pretty sure we need flour," Peter says. "And sugar. Sugar is a must." 

"Eggs, probably," Harley nods. "And… butter?"

"That sounds right," Peter shrugs. "Isn't there, like, baking powder or something?" 

"Either that or baking soda," Harley shrugs back. "I don't know which one is used for cookies. Do we need vanilla extract? That's a thing, right?" 

"Yeah," Peter drops a bottle of vanilla extract onto the counter besides bags of flour and sugar, a carton of eggs, and a box of butter. Harley has found a can of baking powder and a box of baking soda. 

"What else do you need?" Harley asks. 

"Brown sugar, I think," Peter drops a bag of it down onto the counter. "And… chocolate chips. Chocolate chips are a must." 

"Yes," Harley agrees. He disappears for a moment, before returning with a bag of chocolate chips that looks to be at least five pounds.

{cut}

"I've preheated the oven to three hundred fifty degrees," Peter explains. "That sounds like a normal baking temperature. So now we've just got to mix everything, put it on a pan, and cook it!" 

"How much baking powder do we need?" Harley asks. "Like… a fourth of a cup?" 

"I dunno," Peter shrugs. "Go for it." 

Harley looks hesitant, before he shrugs. "**** it," he says, picking up the box and dumping some in. "We're just guessing, right?" 

{cut}

"I think we cooked them for too long," Peter says. 

Harley can be heard coughing and swearing. Peter grins sheepishly at the camera, before he turns it around and shows smoke pouring out of the oven. 

{cut}

"The stupid ******* things won't come off the stupid ******* pan!" Harley grunts. 

He's got a pan of blackened cookies lifted up by one end, and he and Peter are both straining to pry them off the pan. 

"Did you grease the pan?" Natasha calls. 

The boys look at each other. 

"Should we have?" Peter calls back. 

Natasha's sigh can be heard, before her footsteps approach the kitchen. She comes into frame, and stops, before breaking down into laughter. 

"Greasing the pan is the least of your worries," she snorts. "Those probably wouldn't have come off, even if you had!" 

The boys look crestfallen.

{cut}

Peter and Harley are walking down the sidewalk together. 

"So as we saw three days ago," Peter says brightly. "Harley and I are **** at baking. And we wasted a ton of ingredients trying to figure it out. You've only seen one attempt. There were at least seven." 

"So Mr. Stark sent us out shopping," Harley continues. "I mean, he has tons of robots to do that, but apparently we need to learn 'discipline', whatever the **** that means, so he sent us to Walmart. Of all places. Walmart." 

"Walmart's a perfectly fine place," Peter disagrees. "It is annoying that he's making us walk, though." 

{cut}

Peter sprinting across the Walmart parking lot with a shopping cart. He runs for a moment, before leaping up onto the back and coasting across the road. He screams as he crashes into a car. Harley snorts. 

{cut}

"So, we have a list," Harley holds up a piece of paper. "He says to get cereal." 

"Alright, off to cereal," Peter says cheerfully. 

{cut}

"He says to get whatever we want that'll last us for a bit," Peter says thoughtfully. He picks up one box of Lucky Charms. "That ought to last us at least a week!" 

{cut}

Peter is staring, deadpan, into the camera, as he sweeps an arm across the shelf and knocks at least a dozen more boxes into the shopping cart.

{cut}

"He wants fruits and vegetables," Peter says musingly. "So we should get at least twenty watermelons. And one potato." 

"Seems legit," Harley nods. 

{cut}

"Look, look!" Peter says excitedly. "Birthday cakes are on sale!" 

Harley turns the camera around to face him, and zooms in on his face. 

"We're getting three," he says. 

{cut}

The camera shows three carts filled to overflowing with watermelons, cereal, birthday cakes, chips, bags of flour and sugar, as well as other things that cannot be made out, being pushed through the checkout. The camera zooms in on the cashier's face. He looks vaguely horrified, but also massively amused. 

{cut}

"Walmart gave us these shopping carts," Peter says conversationally, back on the sidewalk. He and Harley are pushing their three carts in front of them. "We told them we were walking home, and they recognized me from YouTube, and let us have the carts to get all this **** home." 

"Walmart is a lot nicer in New York than it is in Tennessee," Harley says, sounding vaguely surprised. 

Peter snorts. "No, it's not. They were just nice to us because I'm Tony Stark's adopted son. And you're with me." 

Harley looks offended. 

{cut}

Peter and Harley are both sitting on Peter's bed. 

"Alright," Peter says. "Harley and I got grounded for, like, two days for hijacking the grocery shopping. On the bright side, I've had birthday cake for breakfast every day since then." 

"Now that we're ungrounded," Harley continues. "Peter's finally going to take me to meet Ned and MJ, and then we're going to go to an animal shelter to take some toys and things to all the animals. We have strict instructions to not return with an animal, so we have to be careful to not get attached." 

"Well, I have to be careful to not get attached," Peter says sheepishly. "I have a tendency to get unnecessarily attached to things, very quickly." 

"That's true," Harley nods sagely. "I've only been here a week and he's already started following me around everywhere." 

"I was grounded," Peter groans, turning slightly pink. "I was bored. And you're the most interesting person in this godforsaken tower." 

"You live with the Avengers, idiot," Harley rolls his eyes. "I am not the most interesting person." 

"Yeah, well, you spent the whole time following Natasha around," Peter counters. "And you told me you think she's pretty. And that you like her. And that sometimes you think about kissing her." 

"Dude!" Harley punches Peter in the arm. "You promised not to tell anyone!" 

"What?" Peter says innocently. "Maybe MJ will edit it out." 

"**** you." 

{cut}

Peter knocks on Ned's door. 

"Hey, Peter, I was just about to - who are you?" Ned asks, opening the door. 

"I'm Harley Keener," Harley says. "Tony Stark broke into my garage and now he's invited me to come up here to meet all of you. I've been here a week. We've been grounded twice. That's why you didn't know until now." 

"Oh," Ned says, glancing at Peter, who shrugs and nods. 

"We're gonna go get MJ and then go to the animal shelter," Peter nods at a basket sitting on the ground next to them. "We're taking all the animals' toys and things. We figured you'd want to come, meet Harley, you know." 

"Yeah, just give me a second to get my shoes on and tell my mom," Ned nods. "I'll be right out." 

{cut}

Peter knocks on MJ's door. 

"Sup, losers," she says as a greeting. "And hello, new loser." 

"I'm Harley," Harley says, sounding vaguely offended. "I came up to meet Peter." 

"How long have you been here?" MJ asks, looking him up and down. 

"About a week," Harley shrugs. "Peter and I have gotten grounded twice since then, so… that would be why you didn't know." 

"Okay," MJ says. "Did you all need something?" 

"We're going to an animal shelter to give toys and stuff to all the animals," Peter explains. "Wanna come?" 

"Sure," MJ steps down from the front step and closes the door behind her. "Let's go." 

{cut}

"So, we've been at the shelter about half an hour," Harley whispers to the camera. "And I think we have a problem. Peter's found a black lab puppy, that's like, barely old enough to be away from its mom, and he hasn't left it since we met it. Mr. Stark told us not to bring us any animals, but… I think we might be returning with a dog. And we all know that Peter has Stark wrapped around his little finger, so… who knows. Lady and Chloe could use a brother, don't you think?" 

{cut}

The camera shakily zooms in on Peter. He's sitting in a play yard enclosure, wrestling around with a black lab puppy. Peter falls onto his back, laughing, as the dog leaps up and starts licking his face. 

"There's no way he's leaving without that dog," Ned says from beside the camera. 

"No, there's not," Harley and MJ sigh in unison. 

{cut}

All four teenagers are back outside. 

"So…" Harley says slowly. "We've… got a new family member." 

He turns the camera to show Peter, who's got the black lab wrapped in his coat, held tightly to his chest. 

"I couldn't help it!" Peter moans. "He was so cute, and he kept following me around, and he kept licking my face and every time I sat down he climbed into my lap… I couldn't leave him!" 

"Good luck explaining that to Stark," MJ snorts. "I'd rather not be there for that." 

"Yeah, me neither," Ned agrees, looking apologetic. "Sorry dude. You and Harley are on your own." 

"Thanks," Peter says drily. 

{cut}

Peter and Harley are walking alone now. 

"So, what did you think of my friends," Peter says, leaning his head back to avoid the dog's tongue. 

"They're really nice," Harley nods. "I liked them a lot. And I think they liked me. It's hard to tell with that MJ girl." 

"I'm surprised she let you call her MJ right off the bat," Peter admits. "That means she likes you." 

"Oh," Harley says, looking pleasantly surprised. "All right then." 

{cut}

"Mr. Stark," Harley calls, entering the penthouse. Peter lags behind him. "We, uh… we've got something to tell you." 

"What did you-" Tony rounds the corner, sees Peter and the dog, and stops. "No. No way. I told you not to come back with an animal! Peter!" 

"I'm sorry!" Peter says earnestly. "I'm sorry, Dad, I really am, but… he was so cute, and he wouldn't stop following me around, and -"

{cut}

"Mr. Dad's decided to let me keep the dog!" Peter says brightly. "So now we've just got to name him! I think we should name him Padfoot. Or maybe Moony." 

"What, from Harry Potter?" Harley scoffs. "No way! We should name him Sammy. Or Cas." 

"Oh, so Harry Potter is lame but Supernatural isn't?" Peter counters. 

Harley immediately turns red. "Oh. I, um… I didn't think you'd watched Supernatural." 

"Are you kidding me?" Peter exclaims, looking excited. "I love Supernatural! I'm just waiting for season fifteen to come out on Netflix!" 

{cut}

"We could name him Shadow," Peter suggests, looking down at the dog in his lap. "Or Cooper." 

"Nah, those are too basic…" Harley says, his head on his chin, staring down at the dog. "What about… what about Lucifer? We could call him Luci for short." 

"That's too mean for something this cute," Peter says. 

"No, listen," Harley hastens to explain. "He's Supernatural's Lucifer. At first glance, he looks all mean and scary, but really, he's a big puppy, and once you meet him, you keep begging for him to come back!" 

"Hmm…" Peter says thoughtfully. "That's… not a bad idea." 

{cut}

"Meet Lucifer!" Peter exclaims, holding him up to the camera. "Luci for short! There's a nice little nod for all you Supernatural fans out there." 

"Would now be a good time to tell you that I'm gonna be going to school here?" Harley asks. 

Peter almost drops Luci. "No way-"

{cut}

Luci, Lady, and Chloe are all on the floor together. Lady and Luci are walking in circles, sniffing each other's butts, while Chloe is sitting off to one side, licking her paw. 

"At least they all seem to like each other," Peter says. 

"Yeah," Harley agrees. "That's good. Otherwise you'd have some problems." 

{cut}

Tony, Harley, and Peter are sitting on Peter's bed. 

"So, that's it for this kind of long video," Peter says. "We've got two new members of the Ironfam! Luci's here to stay, and Harley's here for at least the next school year, so… yay! Like and subscribe if you want to see more of… this. See you later, Ironfam!" 

{cut}