A friend. Her first true friend.

Someone who understood anxiety attacks, someone who was as much of a social outcast as her. Emma was exactly that person.

"I helped Emma with her work today." Bailey said, taking a bite out of her sandwich

Mom stopped stirring the supper and looked at Bailey. Bailey could smell that it was one of her least favourite meals, and she turned her nose up in distaste.

"You did, huh, so are you guys are friends now?"

"Is Emma your best friend?" William asked, looking up from the colouring picture that he was doing.

William and Bailey were sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework whilst Mom was cooking supper. It was already 5pm, and Dad was due home within a few minutes.

"I don't really call it best friend," Bailey replied, "the term best friend is so over used, I prefer bosom friend or close friend. I also don't know her well enough yet to call her an equivalent of best friend."

But that was not entirely true, Bailey did consider Emma to be a close friend. They seemed like a perfect fit for one another. This was already possibly the closest that she had ever been with someone her age.

It was difficult for Bailey to associate with her peers because she always felt so different to them. Part of the problem was that she knew that she was far more mature than most of them, and that made it very difficult for her to see the point in their social media and dating obsessions.

"What work did you help her with?"

"Just her maths. She forgot her homework at home, so I helped her redo it. She had a panic attack about it. I found her running through the passages hyperventilating and losing her mind, but I managed to calm her down and then we thought of a solution together."

"That is a really stupid thing to panic about. Could she not think to do it in break herself? Why did she need your help to think of such a stupid thing?"

"No, it is not a stupid thing to panic about! Panic does that to you, it makes you unable to see the rational side of things. Sometimes you even lose the ability to do simple things that you can usually do quite easily."

"Watch your tone, Bailey!" Mom scolded, "I am very glad that you do not have stupid panic attacks like that though."

Bailey looked back down at her maths work. Mom did not know. Mom did not understand. She never did. People who did not have anxiety never understood how it felt, and it was upsetting.

Mom did not know how bad Bailey's anxiety got, how much she struggled with that. Only Bailey's psychologist knew about it, and the people who had seen her having a panic attack. She dreaded coming home from school one day and Mom telling her that she had received an email from the school about Bailey's anxiety.

It had happened in her last school, and Bailey hoped that it would never happen again. It had been awful.

You would think that a mother of two children with severe generalised anxiety disorder would at least have a little bit of understanding or compassion towards people with anxiety, even if she did not understand it fully, but Mom was the most unsympathetic person towards people who had panic attacks.

Just the other day, Bailey had heard Mom scolding William for panicking about not being able to find his favourite toy. It was so stupid, not the reason for the panic attack, but Mom's unsympathetic reaction.

Did she not understand anxiety at all, and Bailey doubted even more that she would understand her depression.

Mom was the kind of person who could not differentiate between self-harm and suicide, although to be honest, many people could not.

Just because someone self-harmed, did not mean that they were suicidal. Cutting did not mean that you wanted to die, it was just an escape from reality, a way to let out the pain in an easy and simple way.

It had been three months ago, when Bailey had cut herself for the first time. Although nobody would suspect it because Bailey hid it incredibly well, Bailey suffered with dreadful depression that plagued her mostly at night.

Before her little run in with self-harm, Bailey had not understood why people cut themselves. She had not understood how much it helped, and what a quick or simple fix it was to the ghastly pain that depression brought to her life. However, she had also not realised how much regret and guilt she would feel in the morning when she caught a glimpse of the vibrant, red stain on her snow-white duvet.

She could explain that away easily enough, but the guilt would not leave quite as easily. She felt as though she had failed, lost the battle with darkness and depression, given in to the temptation, but she had not and still did not wish to die.

She had not cut herself because of a desire to leave this world, but rather as a distraction from the pain that she felt, the pain that haunted her every night, the pain that nobody knew about. She had just felt so alone in that deep, dark hole that depression had thrown her into, and had wanted an escape, even if it was only for a moment.

But now she was not alone anymore.

As Emma had reached into her lunch box that afternoon, the sleeve of her jersey had shifted slightly, and although it was for no more than a few seconds, Bailey had seen the sure, defined, horizontal lines of that of a blade tattooed onto her wrist.  

She felt bad for wishing someone to feel the same pain as she did, but it was wonderful to find someone who actually understood what a self-harmer went through, the pain that they felt and not to mention the loneliness that it brought.

She was glad that Emma cut herself, as mean and selfish as that sounded. To Bailey it looked as if it was the perfect relationship where they could both benefit. They could both receive the support that they desired, and they could talk to one another about it without having to fear that they would be reported.

It was a difficult situation though, to have a cutter confide in you, not that Emma had confided in her yet, but Bailey hoped that she would eventually. It was difficult because there was a fine line between cutting and suicide, and the person that had been the chosen confidant of the self-harmer, had to discern whether it was necessary to get help immediately for the person, or to provide their own help.

On the one hand, reporting a cutter could only make things worse, as it was better to just let them talk about it. In a way, cutting was a release so that the person did not commit suicide, but then, there were also the suicidal cutters.

Once again however, suicidal people were divided into two groups, the passive suicidal people, and the active ones. Although neither was good, passive suicidal people were not likely to kill themselves, it was more a desire to be dead and less of a desire to kill themselves.

Active suicidal people however were defined by people who had a plan and a date to carry out their death, those were the ones who would benefit from being reported however difficult it may be to do so as it required a reach of trust. Although, in the end, you could not stop someone who was determined to kill themselves.

Bailey knew this because she had been passively suicidal before, but knowing that she needed to get help, she had called the suicide hotline and spoken to someone there who helped her to feel better.
 
She had not cut in a while or felt suicidal, which she was very proud of. It was like a record, and Bailey was a competitive person who tried to do better in things.
As Bailey stepped into the bath that night, she proudly glanced at the scars on her shoulder. It was her trophy, the symbol for beating depression, for getting out alive. As she slowly lowered herself into the tub, she made up her mind that she was going to help and support Emma to get her through her struggles.

---

Lily, who had been unable to contact Jey all day, was already in her best friend's penthouse thanks to the spare key in her hand, feeling restless and worried.

It was already midnight, but the owner of the penthouse was still not visible. Lily put some trackers on Jey's purse, jewelry, cell phone, and shoes. But that day, not a single tracker was used by Jey. Lily cannot contact Jey's cellphone since noon.

Heard about the leaks of information that afternoon made Lily overwhelmed with anxiety and endless fear. She began to think about the worst possible outcomes for her best friend. Not having the patience to wait any longer, Lily decided to move the team to find her best friend.

But before Lily could send her orders, she heard the sound of a password tick on Jey's penthouse door. Lily, with a feeling of anxiety and on guard, hid behind the living room wall.

Click.
The door was closed. The entrance lights turned on automatically, but there was no movement from someone or people who entered the penthouse. Lily, with faint steps, moved from her hiding, ready to attack if someone intruded into her friend's private place.

But when Lily was within reach of the automatic light sensor in the front door hallway and with both hands ready to launch her fists, Lily found Jey standing still with a blank stare. Jey has no expression on her face, only blush color on her entire face and her ears.

"Je-Jey? Jejey!" yell Lily, relieved. Her fear and worry just disappeared to find her best friend in front of her, standing intact and looking without the slightest hurt.

Hearing someone calling her, Jey turned her head slowly towards the source of the voice. Jey found Lily, who was standing with a slightly pale face and a face full of concern. Jey slowly woke up from whatever was on her mind and looked at Lily with full attention.

"Lily?" mumbled Jey softly.

"You don't know your best friend anymore after missing all day? Yes, it's me, your silly," replied Lily sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, prompting Jey to walk into the living room.

"Lil..." repeated Jey in a voice louder than before.

Seeing Jey's very unusual behavior, Lily returned to focus her attention on her best friend. She walked over to Jey, holding Jey's shoulders while checking from head to toe, rotating the girl's body, making sure she did not miss a single spot.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Where did it hurt? Did something happen? Did someone bother you? Tell me!" said Lily non-stop with a tone of anxiety.

"Lily..."
"What? What? Tell me. It's alright. Everything is alright. Who is it? Where are those b*stards ?!" Lily replied with a burning fury as she glared at Jey, ready to hear whatever her best friend had to say.

"Kiss ... He kissed me ..." murmured Jey with a flushed face as she gently touched his forehead.

"Ah? What did you say? Say louder, don't be afraid, baby. I'm here."

A broken family, check!
A broken relationship, check!

A girl chooses to continue her life only because she wants to find out the mystery behind all the beginnings of her suffering.

After passing the up-and-downs of the life, Jeqline Johnson no longer put any hope of her love life, or so thought she, until she met 'the Emperor' of the country.

"Hmph! That cold voice, cold face, cold heart! I hate cold! And I hate you more !!!!" screamed Jey with all her might as she punched her tiny fists and kicked her legs in the air.

---

Someone who instead takes action than open his mouth makes everyone around him called him the Ice Emperor.

Such an aloof and indifferent man, who only knows to do his works, finally meets someone who piques his interest and sometimes makes his heartbeat not normal.

Can a ruthless man and heartless woman find their way to a path called Love?

---

Hi guys! This is my first ORIGINAL novel.
Please bear with me if there are wrong words or grammar errors because English is not my native language.

Thank you!

———

The cover is not mine; you can tell me if this cover is your work.

Name: Vanessa Amy Mariano 
Age: 19
Birthday: 25th February 1999
Hobbies: Art and poetry 
Back story : Vanessa's Mother died when she was only 5 which caused her to have anxiety attacks , it has gotten better over the years but she has anxiety attacks occasionally. She and her Father have a really good relationship and they loved each other dearly. 

Laura has been Vanessa's Best Friend since middle school. They become good friends when Laura stood up to Vanessa's bullies. Vanessa's was bullied because one of the bullies, Rebecca's crush was attracted to her (Vanessa) and she (Rebecca) wasn't happy about it. It was also one of the reasons of Vanessa's anxiety which lead to Laura and Vanessa to have a code for when she experiences anxiety, called: "delivery"( e.i "my delivery is here come and help me get it" ).

The bullying manage to stop when it was high school but Laura and Vanessa got into a fight when Laura got a boyfriend. Laura's Boyfriend was cheating on her and Vanessa found out, she tried to tell Laura about it but Laura just thought that she (Vanessa) was just jealous leading to them having an argument. It ended with Laura finding out that Vanessa was telling the truth and she (Laura) apologised to her (Vanessa).

After high school , they signed up for Dale University together which leads us to today.

Selly woke up in the morning after she could only sleep for two minutes. Selly's heart was beating fast, and she had cold sweat all over her body at this time. Selly is a timid girl deep down with a firm look outside.
 No one could guess how timid she was inside because her face always looked like she wanted to kill someone only with her gaze. Selly always does something that she thinks is right, but later she will feel guilty all over her heart when she knows that she is too much.
 Selly can't sleep at night when her anxiety disorder surrounds her heart. No one knows that she had an anxiety disorder- not even Elena knows about this. Selly always thinks that it is not common to have this kind of disease, so she hides it from everyone.
Selly already has anxiety disorder since she was three years old, and it was the year when she lost her parents in a plane crash. It was not natural for a three years old baby to start to remember everything in their life.
Everyone intends to forget the memory of when they were still a baby. Some people also don't remember the memory when they were in kindergarten. Some people started to remember everything when they were only five years old.
No one could know what happened before they were five years old. What happened to them when they were still one day old? No one knows about it, and not everyone puts their mind to find out about it because it was not important at all.
Some people will think that we don't need to think about something that we don't remember. Some people will be curious about memory when they were still a baby.
(Author: I started to remember everything when I was five years old, and I couldn't remember what happened to me before I was five years old. I don't know about anyone else because I never interview people about it.)
Selly never asked to be different from any other people, and she wanted to be normal like other children outside. She didn't want to remember everything that happened on the night, which she lost her precious parents. She could feel hell in reality at that time.
Selly was only a little baby who was only three years old. Her parents promised her that they would come back before their birth date. They left her with Shen, her twin younger brother. Her parents asked Shen to protect his twin older sister.
The plane got into an accident, every passenger died, and no one survived in this accident. It was also the same plane that her parents got into when they departed for the airport.
Shen and Selly were too young to understand news from the television. But Shen and Selly were familiar with their parents' names because their parents were a celebrity, and Shen & Selly always watched their parents drama before they got to sleep.
When Selly and Shen saw the news, they were shocked because they saw the video, which showed how the plane exploded in the air- before it drowned into the ocean.
Selly's body trembled in pain when she heard the news, and Shen also had the same reaction as Selly, but Selly didn't know that Shen only thought about how to protect Selly after their parents' death.
Selly, who didn't know Shen's mind, felt his warm hug when she cried because they already lost their parents forever. Selly felt anxious when she imagined that she had to live alone with Shen after their parents' death.
Selly didn't only face her parent's death, but another incident also happened in her life after that. Some of the servants had a malicious intent towards them after Shen and Selly lost their parents.
Some of the servants wanted to kill Selly and Shen because no one could protect them anymore. They wished to steal everything in their master's house and killed their children so everyone would think that it was a robbery instead of an assassination.
Shen and Selly were lucky that some loyal servants and bodyguards protected them and captured the traitor without any casualties. Some of the faithful servants got hurt, but it didn't harm their lives at all because it was only a scratch.
Selly remembered everything that happened that night, and she always had a nightmare after that. Selly also needed to face an unfamiliar house after she lost her parents. Everyone told her that they are her family but they are only strangers in Selly's eyes.
Selly's anxiety disorder grew bigger each time passed. It was not easy for Selly because his heart was always beating fast and she felt uncomfortable all over her petite body. She never told anyone about her feelings because she was afraid to tell anyone about her little secret.
It was only Luke Vander who could open her heart widely. It was not easy as pie for Selly to trust him after Selly got betrayed before. One of the traitor servants who tried to kill her and Shen was Selly's personal maid.
She had a gentle smile on her face, and she would coax her to sleep when she was crying at night. Selly couldn't forget her wicked smile when she tried to kill her without hesitation. Selly was lucky because one of the faithful bodyguards protected her before that maid could kill her.
If the bodyguards were late a little, then Selly would also go after her parents. Shen also had some psychological shadow in his heart when he saw this scene, and he refused to leave Selly after that incident.
Selly couldn't believe in anyone at that time, and she only followed the bodyguard who saved her life that night. The bodyguard was only twenty years old when he saved Selly's life. The bodyguard's name is Hunk, and he is the youngest bodyguard who worked under Vander's family.
Hunk's father was the commander of all bodyguards who worked under Vander's family. Hunk followed his father's step to becoming a professional bodyguard.
After Hunk graduated from his training to be a bodyguard, Luck Vander ordered him to be one of the Bodyguards to protect his younger brother. Hunk is loyal to Vander's family, and he did everything to protect the young generation of Vander's family.
Hunk was ready to sacrifice his life to protect Shen and Selly at that time. Hunk's father used to be a professional soldier, but he almost lost his life because he got trapped by his best friend.
It was Luck Vander who helped and proved his innocence. Later, Hunk's father gave his loyalty to Luck Vander and worked as his bodyguard.
Hunk's father is a talented soldier, but he couldn't do anything when his wealthy best friend trapped him. His father never told Hunk about that incident, but his father only asked him to be loyal to Luck Vander because he was the one who saved his life, so Hunk also needed to repay their kindness.
If it was not because of Luck, then Hunk couldn't continue his life because his mother already died when he was still a baby. Hunk made a promise that he would do anything to repay Vander's family for their kindness towards his father.
Selly always thought of him as her second daddy after she could open up with Luck. Selly could only believe in Shen and that bodyguard when her life was in chaos.
Hunk always protected Selly after she lost her parents. Even though Hunk is a loyal bodyguard under Luck Vander, he thinks of Selly as his master. Selly would only follow Hunk everywhere when she couldn't open her heart.
Selly felt comfortable around Hunk because she thought Hunk could protect her, so Selly never felt worried about the unfamiliar place that she needed to face.
Even after she could open her heart widely, the anxiety disorder never left her alone. Selly will feel anxious about something, and she can't sleep a wink and has a nightmare every night.
Selly can hardly breathe when her anxiety disorder gets worse, and she can barely stand up too when it happens. It is really a nightmare for Selly when she gets anxious too much. Her heart never stops beating too fast, and she also gets a headache.
Selly can't think anymore when her anxiety disorder attacks her. It is a really uncomfortable situation for her, and sometimes she thinks to end her life when it becomes unbearable for her.
But Selly never wants to do that because no happiness comes after you end your life tragically like that. Selly always tried hard to continue her life even though her mind almost causes her to lose control over her body.
Selly always remembers that ending your life will be hurt, and it also won't give you happiness either, so she controls her mind to keep thinking positive. She never wants to feel like this, but her brain and her mental condition are not in sync.
Selly can only lock herself up in her bedroom until her anxiety disorder calms down, even though it will take some time to reduce it. Selly always tries every method to make her calm down so she can erase the anxiety in her heart.


Elena never knew the world that she lived in was a novel world. Elena is a villainess in the novel "Ceo's Moonlight," and Elena's character aims to help the male lead get along with the heroine. Elena didn't bully the female lead like any other villainess, but her existence as the male lead's wife made the female lead realized her foolishness and made her come back to the male lead.

Elena has been married to Luke Vander, the male lead, for three years, but Luke never acknowledged her as his legal wife at all and kept their marriage in the dark. Luke Vander ignored Elena's existence and left her alone in this marriage. Then Luke Vander got an accident and was in a coma. 

In the real novel, Luke would wake up after one year in a coma and divorced his legal wife and got married to Miona Jeremy, the female lead. But everything changed when Elena also got an accident and made her lost consciousness for three days. After Luke woke up, he loves Elena instead of the female lead. Will Elena accept Luke Vander back? Or Will she choose to leave him?


[ DISCLAIMER: the picture in the cover is not mine, credit to the owner! :) ]

An: This is original story by Hana_Frederica and not a translation.


-Memory 12-
-Let Go-
-Beau Young Prince-


Anxiety is serious shit. Nowadays, a lot of people suffer because of it, especially young people, increasing the number of teenagers that have it during the past few years a lot. This is stressful.
However, it's important to identify between one single anxiety crisis and actually suffering it. They're different. Suffering anxiety in the clinic meaning of the word means that you suffer it in a chronicle, repetitive, and periodic way. This is usually because of a trauma, or as a consequence of other illnesses. On the other side, an anxiety crisis can happen to anyone, even if you have never suffered one.
However, the symptoms that come with anxiety depend on each individual, his or her conditions, and the age in which is suffering them. And they're very unknown, too. Anxiety has the ability to provoke in those who suffer it an increase of heartbeat, sudden goosebumps, irrational thoughts, nightmares, hunger increase —and also it's opposite, the decrease of it—. Or at least that's what my counselor told me the next Monday. I didn't see him in a lot of time. Despite he swore he would never say a word about what we've talked, I just find it too hard to trust in a high school counselor. He told me to be very careful, because this could affect a lot my emotional stability, just as my social and academic performance. And he was right about it.


Outcome of the Outcome:
-Leave The City-
-Twenty One Pilots-


After an uncomfortable Monday of regular classes with a visit to our Psychology Department, this ended normally. The next day, as every Tuesday, I went with Roy to our IT workshop. When I got out of my home the next morning. I found my The Legend of Zelda's ring over my desk. I took it and, instead of wearing it like every day, I put it in my pocket and left. when I was at school, I found Patrick in the halls and gave him the ring.
—May I ask you a favor?
—Sure —he answered, confused.
—Can you give this ring to Sea?
—Yeah.
—Thanks —I said, with my head down—. And tell her to give it to the one she thinks that's the right one, no matter when or how.
—Okay —he said after thinking about what I said.
With it, I wanted to end our relationship completely, getting rid of the object that most remembered me of her. However, big was my surprise when, during the third break, she showed up in the IT building, looking for me. She said sorry with a weak voice that seemed almost like at the edge of crying. At the same time, she showed me her hand —while her arms were still covered by her sweater, clearly hiding what I was trying to forget—, holding the ring. She said she wanted me to have it because she didn't love anyone else.
In the center of the place between a lot of people, all of them looking, shocked, I didn't know what to do. I started to consider my options carefully, without leaving any detail to luck. Finally, I decided to forgive her. After that, I took the ring and put it on my finger, knowing deep inside my heart that anything would be the same they once were. That love flame that once brightened with trust, would never shine as it once did, and those stars that collided against each other, after the supernova, would never shine again as they once did when they fell in love, surrounded by emptiness.
Almost a month passed without troubles. The Expo was close and Roy and I finally had our prototype armed and running. During that weekend, a lot of judges visited our project, and each of them liked it a lot and congratulated us for the work we did throughout the year. Mom, Dad, and Adam also came by, bringing me food and groceries despite eating was "not allowed".
At the end of the fair, I was hoping to see the close ceremony, which is a beautiful starred sky with fireworks. It is one of those "gold moments" that both life and school give us in exchange for our effort. However, Sea didn't answer, and we couldn't see it together. This made me sad, a lot, which is why I went back home without overthinking about it.
On the next week, the final tests started. Nervousness, books, and calculators were at the top of the chain in school. However, a lot of us decided to take some time to go to the awards of the fair. Roy couldn't because he lives on the outside of The Nameless City, which is why he couldn't afford to stay in a non-obliged event. Sea and I decided to stay. After some awards for both science and technology, the first places of each level —eighth and ninth grade—, started. While the third place was announced, my heartbeat was increasing more and more, and my brain tried to convince itself that Roy and I wouldn't win anything, in order to avoid disappointment later. Second place. Nothing. Here, I strongly held Sea's hand —I always held it more than she used to hold mine, which was quite discouraging—, and I waited for the result. First place. The screen showed a picture all of a sudden. Immediately, my friends started to hug me without me having realized anything yet. Then I heard someone saying "Tyler Davidson and Roy Island" through the microphone.
I went out of the bleachers and went on stage, where the principal hugged me and put a medal around my neck. He immediately asked for the rest of the group, and I said that we were just two and the other guy couldn't make it. Therefore, they gave me Roy's medal and his price —which was a blue backpack with Intel's logo—, and sent me to take a picture for the record. There's nothing that hurt me the most that day than the fact that I couldn't go on stage with Roy, who deserved it as much as I did.
Then, the next week, the year ended with the grades delivering. Mom talked to me on the weekend to tell me about something she saw in Expo. While she was visiting other projects, she saw that Sea was hugging another guy in her classroom entrance, which happened just minutes before I showed up to give her a couple of earrings with the shape of angels, as a present for concluding her Expo. When she told me that, I talked to her about everything that happened weeks before and asked for advice. My biggest worry was thinking that I was seeing Sea's attitude just because of jealousy. If that was the case, I was the one who was doing something wrong. But my mom told me that it didn't have anything to do with jealousy because, if it did, she wouldn't have seen it as something bad or weird. This argument hit me and left me thinking about it that whole week. Finally, during the last day of classes, I talked to Sea.
—We need to talk —I said without caring if it had a sour tone.
—What is it?
—Mom said she saw you hugging another guy in Expo, just before I gave you the earrings. Is it true? —I asked directly.
—Well, I mean, I did hug Patrick, but you know that there's nothing between us. He's just my best friend —this one was a low blow. Months before The Rift Day, Sea used to say that I was both her best friend and her boyfriend. The fack of that changing hurt a lot—.
—But you promised me not to do it anymore, remember?
—But since when I can't hug my friends? —she answered, pretty upset.
—You know I don't mean that.
—Do I? Then what is it?
—If my memory is still working, the last time we talked about this, happened what we both know that happened, and now you're just acting the same. And it is really weird hanging with your girlfriend while she is literally hanging on her best friends' necks, but it is even worse knowing that she does the same when she isn't with you. And trusting you in this cases it's just way too hard since what happened —I said.
—Then you don't trust me anymore? —another stab straight my ego.
—Right now, you're not giving me reasons to do so. And I'm running out of ways to tell you how uncomfortable this is to me.
—Listen to me, I'm not changing the way I am just because it is hard for you to trust me. You're supposed to love both my good and my bad things. And you can't ask me to change just because of that.
—I'm not asking you to change your personality, I'm just talking about something that makes me feel uncomfortable in our relationship, and if you really loved me, you would try to make both of us happy, no matter what. But you're right, I can't ask you to change for me, but you can ask me to love you while I endure discomforts just for your desire neither. So... it is better to break up. For the good of both of us.
She didn't say a word, just lowed her sight and left without saying nothing else. And for that stupidity, the outcome ended. The snowball grew and grew and ended crushing everything in its way. Even nowadays, with my anxiety, I still wonder what I could've done to fix them. A lot of times we asked that to ourselves. "What if I could turn back time...?". And this odyssey is the one that keeps people trapped in their pasts. This knot, that serpent, that memory. That melody you heard when everything was falling apart. 



-Memory 12- 

-Let Go- 

-Beau Young Prince- 

Anxiety is serious shit. Nowadays, a lot of people suffer because of it, especially young people, increasing the number of teenagers that have it during the past few years a lot. This is stressful. 

However, it's important to identify between one single anxiety crisis and actually suffering it. They're different. Suffering anxiety in the clinic meaning of the word means that you suffer it in a chronicle, repetitive, and periodic way. This is usually because of a trauma, or as a consequence of other illnesses. On the other side, an anxiety crisis can happen to anyone, even if you have never suffered one. 

However, the symptoms that come with anxiety depend on each individual, his or her conditions, and the age in which is suffering them. And they're very unknown, too. Anxiety has the ability to provoke in those who suffer it an increase of heartbeat, sudden goosebumps, irrational thoughts, nightmares, hunger increase —and also it's opposite, the decrease of it—. Or at least that's what my counselor told me the next Monday. I didn't see him in a lot of time. Despite he swore he would never say a word about what we've talked, I just find it too hard to trust in a high school counselor. He told me to be very careful, because this could affect a lot my emotional stability, just as my social and academic performance. And he was right about it. 

Outcome of the Outcome: 

-Leave The City- 

-Twenty One Pilots- 

After an uncomfortable Monday of regular classes with a visit to our Psychology Department, this ended normally. The next day, as every Tuesday, I went with Roy to our IT workshop. When I got out of my home the next morning. I found my The Legend of Zelda's ring over my desk. I took it and, instead of wearing it like every day, I put it in my pocket and left. when I was at school, I found Patrick in the halls and gave him the ring. 

—May I ask you a favor? 

—Sure —he answered, confused. 

—Can you give this ring to Sea? 

—Yeah. 

—Thanks —I said, with my head down—. And tell her to give it to the one she thinks that's the right one, no matter when or how. 

—Okay —he said after thinking about what I said. 

With it, I wanted to end our relationship completely, getting rid of the object that most remembered me of her. However, big was my surprise when, during the third break, she showed up in the IT building, looking for me. She said sorry with a weak voice that seemed almost like at the edge of crying. At the same time, she showed me her hand —while her arms were still covered by her sweater, clearly hiding what I was trying to forget—, holding the ring. She said she wanted me to have it because she didn't love anyone else. 

In the center of the place between a lot of people, all of them looking, shocked, I didn't know what to do. I started to consider my options carefully, without leaving any detail to luck. Finally, I decided to forgive her. After that, I took the ring and put it on my finger, knowing deep inside my heart that anything would be the same they once were. That love flame that once brightened with trust, would never shine as it once did, and those stars that collided against each other, after the supernova, would never shine again as they once did when they fell in love, surrounded by emptiness. 

Almost a month passed without troubles. The Expo was close and Roy and I finally had our prototype armed and running. During that weekend, a lot of judges visited our project, and each of them liked it a lot and congratulated us for the work we did throughout the year. Mom, Dad, and Adam also came by, bringing me food and groceries despite eating was "not allowed". 

At the end of the fair, I was hoping to see the close ceremony, which is a beautiful starred sky with fireworks. It is one of those "gold moments" that both life and school give us in exchange for our effort. However, Sea didn't answer, and we couldn't see it together. This made me sad, a lot, which is why I went back home without overthinking about it. 

On the next week, the final tests started. Nervousness, books, and calculators were at the top of the chain in school. However, a lot of us decided to take some time to go to the awards of the fair. Roy couldn't because he lives on the outside of The Nameless City, which is why he couldn't afford to stay in a non-obliged event. Sea and I decided to stay. After some awards for both science and technology, the first places of each level —eighth and ninth grade—, started. While the third place was announced, my heartbeat was increasing more and more, and my brain tried to convince itself that Roy and I wouldn't win anything, in order to avoid disappointment later. Second place. Nothing. Here, I strongly held Sea's hand —I always held it more than she used to hold mine, which was quite discouraging—, and I waited for the result. First place. The screen showed a picture all of a sudden. Immediately, my friends started to hug me without me having realized anything yet. Then I heard someone saying "Tyler Davidson and Roy Island" through the microphone. 

I went out of the bleachers and went on stage, where the principal hugged me and put a medal around my neck. He immediately asked for the rest of the group, and I said that we were just two and the other guy couldn't make it. Therefore, they gave me Roy's medal and his price —which was a blue backpack with Intel's logo—, and sent me to take a picture for the record. There's nothing that hurt me the most that day than the fact that I couldn't go on stage with Roy, who deserved it as much as I did. 

Then, the next week, the year ended with the grades delivering. Mom talked to me on the weekend to tell me about something she saw in Expo. While she was visiting other projects, she saw that Sea was hugging another guy in her classroom entrance, which happened just minutes before I showed up to give her a couple of earrings with the shape of angels, as a present for concluding her Expo. When she told me that, I talked to her about everything that happened weeks before and asked for advice. My biggest worry was thinking that I was seeing Sea's attitude just because of jealousy. If that was the case, I was the one who was doing something wrong. But my mom told me that it didn't have anything to do with jealousy because, if it did, she wouldn't have seen it as something bad or weird. This argument hit me and left me thinking about it that whole week. Finally, during the last day of classes, I talked to Sea. 

—We need to talk —I said without caring if it had a sour tone. 

—What is it? 

—Mom said she saw you hugging another guy in Expo, just before I gave you the earrings. Is it true? —I asked directly. 

—Well, I mean, I did hug Patrick, but you know that there's nothing between us. He's just my best friend —this one was a low blow. Months before The Rift Day, Sea used to say that I was both her best friend and her boyfriend. The fack of that changing hurt a lot—. 

—But you promised me not to do it anymore, remember? 

—But since when I can't hug my friends? —she answered, pretty upset. 

—You know I don't mean that. 

—Do I? Then what is it? 

—If my memory is still working, the last time we talked about this, happened what we both know that happened, and now you're just acting the same. And it is really weird hanging with your girlfriend while she is literally hanging on her best friends' necks, but it is even worse knowing that she does the same when she isn't with you. And trusting you in this cases it's just way too hard since what happened —I said. 

—Then you don't trust me anymore? —another stab straight my ego. 

—Right now, you're not giving me reasons to do so. And I'm running out of ways to tell you how uncomfortable this is to me. 

—Listen to me, I'm not changing the way I am just because it is hard for you to trust me. You're supposed to love both my good and my bad things. And you can't ask me to change just because of that. 

—I'm not asking you to change your personality, I'm just talking about something that makes me feel uncomfortable in our relationship, and if you really loved me, you would try to make both of us happy, no matter what. But you're right, I can't ask you to change for me, but you can ask me to love you while I endure discomforts just for your desire neither. So... it is better to break up. For the good of both of us. 

She didn't say a word, just lowed her sight and left without saying nothing else. And for that stupidity, the outcome ended. The snowball grew and grew and ended crushing everything in its way. Even nowadays, with my anxiety, I still wonder what I could've done to fix them. A lot of times we asked that to ourselves. "What if I could turn back time...?". And this odyssey is the one that keeps people trapped in their pasts. This knot, that serpent, that memory. That melody you heard when everything was falling apart.

Through these pages, you will read about the high school days of Tyler, a smart guy full of kindness, and how his experiences with his friends, family and even with the girl he loves, change the way he sees the world and his own life, just like memories carefully intertwined with melodies.

Lauren's story
Lauren talks about her experience of having two miscarriages and her feelings when pregnant after loss. She shares how, after having her baby, it is still difficult for her to think about trying again.
We found out I was pregnant again... I was absolutely terrified. I didn't believe I could have a successful pregnancy.
In April 2018, I got the two magical blue lines on a pregnancy test. We were so excited. At 12 weeks I told our family and friends the news. That same day, I started to bleed. I went to the hospital and heard the heartbreaking words, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat".
We were completely and utterly devastated. We booked to go back later that week for a D&C which was really difficult, going home and rubbing my stomach knowing that the pregnancy was not successful. However, the next day I started to bleed heavily and my husband found me unconscious. I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and after two hours in Resus I was eventually rushed to theatre for an emergency operation.
In August 2018, I got the same two blue lines again. This time it was a mixed feeling of excitement and being absolutely terrified. I went for a scan early, at 5 weeks, but was told they couldn't see anything and to go back in two weeks. The two weeks felt like two years. I couldn't switch off, I was so anxious.
We went for the second scan and it wasn't good news. Although I had a positive pregnancy test and all of the classic symptoms, there was an empty pregnancy sac. After three days in hospital, I was again taken to theatre for an operation to remove the pregnancy sac.
Our world and hopes were completely shattered. It was so cruel, I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but no baby.
In March 2019, we found out I was pregnant again. As you can imagine there was no excitement at all this time. Just fear, anxiety and stress. I was absolutely terrified. I didn't believe I could have a successful pregnancy.
I didn't buy anything for the baby and at every scan I didn't believe it was real. I thought it was a fake image. I had hyperemesis gravidarum for the whole 9 months and a front placenta meant I never felt any kicks or movement, which brought even more anxiety.
I had my rainbow baby in December 2019 and she's absolutely perfect. I still can't believe she's mine. Then of course Covid hit and I've had to keep her to myself, which has been hard, but I'm just so lucky to have her.
Now we want to start thinking of baby no.2 and all of the fears are back and I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it again.
Pregnancy after miscarriage
Pregnancy after a miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy is often a difficult time for women and their partners. It may bring with it a mixture of hope and fear, which can be challenging to cope with.
The coronavirus pandemic may be an additional source of anxiety too. We mention that on this page and across our website, using red text to help you find it.
Coping with anxiety and other feelings about your pregnancy
You may feel mixed emotions; ranging from cautiously optimistic one day, to overwhelmingly anxious the next. You may feel on high alert, trying to detect any possible symptoms of miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Being pregnant again can also sometimes be comforting, easing feelings of loss. But you might also feel guilty or worried about forgetting your last pregnancy.
Know that your feelings, whatever they are, are normal and understandable given what you have been through.
When I got pregnant again the usual joy was replaced with a 'here we go again' feeling.
Talking about pregnancy after miscarriage*
For some people, talking to family and friends can be a key source of support during pregnancy after loss. Early on in your pregnancy, you and/or your partner may wish to tell people who are close to you, so they can offer support if needed. But you might also feel reluctant to tell them until you are further on in pregnancy.
It was very difficult managing my anxiety throughout the whole pregnancy. The biggest help was the support of healthcare professionals and, most importantly, my husband. He was so supportive, especially when it came to the night before a scan, when he knew I was at my most anxious.
It can help to share how you are feeling with your GP, midwife or early pregnancy team. You may wish to make them aware of your earlier pregnancy loss, and discuss the possibility of additional checks and/or ultrasound scans. During the coronavirus pandemic, you may have very limited access to your GP, but your midwife and the early pregnancy team will still do their best to support you. 
Access to early and regular ultrasound scans is also very likely to be limited at this time and many hospitals will allow only the woman being scanned to attend her appointment, to reduce risk. That can be upsetting, we know, but it is in order to reduce risk for you, staff and other patients. Do know that you can always telephone the early pregnancy team if you have any worrying signs or symptoms and they will advise on next steps and invite you in if they feel that's best. 
If you previously had an ectopic pregnancy, early assessment is important, either via a scan or by telephone assessment, so do contact your early pregnancy unit – see here.
An early scan may offer reassurance, but it also might not, especially if things don't look as they should. Even if all looks well, you may still continue to worry that it may all go wrong again – an anxiety that many women and their partners have after a previous loss or losses. So sharing your thoughts and feelings with people who are, or have been, in a similar situation can bring comfort. Our online forum has a section for people who are pregnant after loss, or you may want to join our Pregnant After Loss Facebook Group. We also have a Pregnant After Loss support group.
You may also find it helpful to read Amy's article, published in Stylist magazine at the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2019.
It's not because we're not excited or hopeful. It's because we are, and we're holding our breath.
You and/or your partner can call or email our confidential pregnancy loss helpline for information and support, or if you'd just like someone to talk to – or find out about the Miscarriage Association's other support services.
You may also consider seeking professional help, such as specialist counselling, to help you cope with difficult feelings.
What else might help
You might like to read our leaflet on pregnancy after loss which includes suggestions from women and their partners about what they found helpful when pregnant after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy.
We have a collection of stories that people have shared with us about pregnancy after loss, including these:
Gemma share her story of being pregnant after a missed miscarriage
Rebecca writes about her pregnancy following a miscarriage at 18 weeks
Cathy shares her story of being pregnant after 3 losses, including a molar pregnancy
Angie shares how she felt being pregnant after 2 losses
Sally had 6 losses, including an ectopic pregnancy and writes about coping with her feelings during her pregnancies
In this short film Tina & Steve talk about deciding to try again after a missed miscarriage and what helped them through a very anxious new pregnancy:
We also have some thoughts from Sarah, a recurrent miscarriage nurse, about what can help during pregnancy after miscarriage.
Please remember that you are not alone and we are here to help.
* Please note that we often use the term 'pregnancy loss' to include miscarriage, ectopic and molar pregnancy. But sometimes, using the word 'miscarriage' for all three makes it easier for people to find the information they're looking for when using a search engine.
Related leaflets for you to download
Pregnancy after loss
For many people who have experienced miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy, finding out they are pregnant again can bring with it a mixture of hope and anxiety. We hope this leaflet will help people through.
Partners Too
Miscarriage can be a very distressing experience for a couple, even if they feel it in different ways. We hope that this leaflet will help you to understand and cope with your own feelings about your miscarriage as well as your partner's. N.B. This leaflet includes partners of any gender.
Recurrent miscarriage
A single miscarriage can be very distressing; and it can be devastating if the next pregnancy fails too ... and then the next. This leaflet looks at the known and possible causes of recurrent miscarriage and the tests and treatments that might help you.


Marguerite is oblivious as she folds Arthmael's body into beautiful silhouettes. Following the familiar choreography, she dances relentlessly.

Grand Jete! Penche! followed by a series of graceful pas de chats. All concatenated in front of the enthralled emperor.

When the music reaches the outro in a full stop, Marguerite falls gracefully on the floor in a pose. She stays there and waits for the king to tell her she can leave.

She stays on the ground for a long time but hears nothing from him. Wondering if she did anything wrong, she wants to lift her head to look at the king's face, but quickly remembers the warning he gave her. If she disrespects him any further, who knows what he might do to her.

She suddenly feels her chin being lifted, her eyes meet the hazels of Demian. She forgets to breathe and falls from her pose onto the floor. She doesn't have time to regain her senses before two strong arms lift her off the floor.

She is about to question him on his weird behaviour when her mouth is suddenly covered by his in a kiss.

-------------------------------------------------
Marguerite is very talented. She has a beautiful voice, a great passion for music and various talents in the arts. Unfortunately, her bright future gets compromised when she is forced to leave her world to fulfill the wish of someone else. Marguerite wanting to go home as soon as possible, accepts. However things turn out quite unexpected for her.

The cover belongs to the rightful owner. If you are the owner of the art and want me to take it down, DM me on discord burlesque_dancer#2837

You know you have reached the end when being imprisoned sound like a perfect world to you. No one anywhere near you to come in your life as a disguised friend. No one to pressurize in into the way of living that they consider as correct. Not a single person who takes fun in comparing your abilities to the other and most importantly no one can hurt you. Seems like a solution to all my problems.

I expected a laugh when I imagined telling someone about it but when I proposed my absurd thought to Dr.Rae, she didn't even batted an eye. From such instances I can tell that she is experienced enough that my concerning thoughts are mundane for her.

She noted something in her notebook as she does every-time. This specific practice of her is vexing but spares me some time to breath during the mental exercise.

"So want to cut everyone out, right? I mentally wince seeing how direct she is. I give her a weak nod in response as I wasn't sure if it was a right move. I shift my eyes to its usual place but it comes to me as a surprise that there's no paperweight today to stare at. I scan the room in a hope to find it but her question make me stop my search.

"Even your mom?"

"Huh?" I said as my mind took a second to process what she she said.
An image of her traveled through my memory and I concluded that she's the first person I want run away from.
"Yes." I said the word clearer then ever. She is paying for the therapy but despite that she is one of the reasons why I need it. Dr.Rae sighed that made me question if she was tired of me.
Anxiety is like that one toxic friend. You know it's harmful for you to be around them and they might ruin your life but they follow you everywhere, they know your deepest darkest secrets and insecurities. What do you name the person who knows you in and out. That's right, a best friend. People can't even live without talking to their best friend for a day and you expect me to dump my anxiety which have stayed with me for years like some chewing gum. I wish!
My anxiety is sitting right besides me. Here, in this so called 'safe space', her dead eyes warning me to not say or do anything lame. But then again why does she records every one of my mistakes and plays them in my mind recurringly against my will. She tells me, she is making sure I don't repeat them.

"Tell me what's going on in your mind."
I was too deep into my thoughts that I forgot she was too present in the room. I came back to the reality and noticed I zoned out fixating at her.

"Nothing." I said with confidence that was I didn't knew was left in me but it was actually the ability to lie which had been gifted to me by my best friend.

"This cannot work like an interview, Nadia. you have to tell me what's bothering you?"

I needed my magical ball to endure the emotional rush I was going to experience. She lifted her right leg from the top of the left one, loosening her poise composure. Why is just so.....stunning? Her looks not all help me overcome my insecurities.
"What is it that you need now? Is there anyway I can help you?"
She bent over to meet my eyes. Her hazel brown eyes pleading me to let down my walls and I felt awful once I realizing how much of a trouble I am for her. But she has been nothing but absolute patient with me.

"I'm sorry." I say breaking the eye contact and dropping my head down.

"Do you wanna talk about the thing you said earlier?"
I have said numerous things since we first met so I didn't exactly knew what she was talking about.
"Imagine if there's a place that shut you off from the world, would you still want to go there?"

This was the first time that Dr. Rae have told me to picture a scenario and also for the very first time she seemed nervous and I had a hunch that I must pick my words wisely.
But there was no reason to deny that I seriously wished for a place like this to exist.
"Yes." I said without any hesitation.

She stayed still for seconds before standing, her hands forced the chair to remain  down. She then walked over to the table behind her and my eyes followed her with curiosity. She pulled out a paper from the drawer, traced her way back to me and offered me to take a hold of it. I grabbed the white paper in my right hand. the words that came visible were
'CAPTIONEM MENTAL FACILITY'
I knew this was coming.

"I was going to keep it as a last option but I have examined you for the past month and it seems like a better option for your treatment'
She said as I scrutinized the form like a Christmas present.

"The decision is now in the hands of you and your mom."
My smile dropped at the mention of mom. She would never agree to it. The only reasons she is supporting the therapy is to stop my grades from falling. She would rather kill me than sending me off to the facility.

"Don't worry. you have be there just for a month." Dr. Rae said spotting my furrowed brows. Little did she knew that wasn't my concern at all.
"And I would pay you a visit every weekend" 

I questioned if this was one of the irrational dream of mine but it wasn't. Now the only thing I need to take care of is mom.
'But is this really what you want?' My anxiety reappeared.

'This is the only way you will leave me.'

What will happen when the wish of Nadia Rosewood will turn into her own nightmare....

Witness the journey of a teenage girl suffering with social anxiety as she enters a strange facility.

      Yep, High School was over. What an odd feeling. Almost like you're in some sort of limbo. Lois and I did become boyfriend and girlfriend. She started coming over quite often and we'd talk about all sorts of things. About six days into our relationship we were talking in my bedroom, on my futon, as per usual when she asked to see the old Ganong's Chocolates, I told her I was nervous; I was always nervous, but this was a different type of nervous. I thought my wang looked weird. Eventually, I gave in and whipped it out, she didn't gasp or say "Oh, the humanity!", thank God. Apparently, it looks relatively normal. 
      It was either later that day or the following day that we made love. It was the first time for both of us, and I was crazy about her, maybe even in love. Due to that fact I've never regretted giving my virginity away to Lois. I certainly can't speak for her though (awkward laugh). There are no real memories of how that initial awkward encounter went or anything, so we'll stay away from that weird description; we rammed okay, we rammed. There you have it.
  Over the course of the Summer of 2006 I kept telling Lois that I was sorry for how restricted our activities had to be due to my mental state. She was always kind about that particular insecurity and would listen whenever my frustrations with life boiled over.  
  It was now August ... about five months into this obscure anxiety induced confinement. I was sitting in my mother's living room. She said that I appeared to be lifeless, a shell of my former self, and I was, I wanted to cry, but couldn't. In the wake of this ghost-like trance of hopelessness, I started to sift through an old idea a relative had suggested to me. It was something my aunt had brought to my attention a few months back and it was now finally beginning to break through the Ego that shut it out. I googled the symptoms and signs of "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" (GAD). As I read over the symptoms of GAD it was evident that every single one of them applied to me. It was a moment of tremendous relief and an awakening of sorts. The power of mental illness is paramount. I genuinely thought anxiety was something that was mild, only to come and go like the moving tides. The grip and terror that this anxiety disorder had reaped over my life was astounding to me. However; with that realization came a solution.
   I agreed to start seeing a therapist and my Doctor put me on a Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI). Medication scared the shit out of me, but continuing to live like this scared me even more, so I decided to give it a shot.
  The first time I took the medication, my Dad, along with one of his friends and I were on a camping trip in Mactaquac. My body and mind began to feel funny, but I just figured it was another trick being played by the cunning omnipotence of this horrific "anxiety disorder".. Sitting by the campfire that night there was a sliver of calm that came over me. It melded into the morning sunrise, and I can remember leaning over and smiling at my Dad on our way out of the campground. "I think I'm going to be okay Dad". I was reluctant to say those words as if the joyful feeling would evaporate with my hopeful expression.
 For me, the SNRI that was administered to me did what I no longer believed possible. I felt like myself again, it was truly a revelation. I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, but for me it was an undoubted miracle. However; because I started to feel less chaos in my brain, the old fierce desire to party at every opportunity came rushing back. Once again alcohol became my dictator and everything else was a faded afterthought. I did my best to hold everything together on the outside and always felt like I was just managing to keep my head above water.

"Walking in Black, Bleeding in Light" begins from a generational standpoint highlighting the addictive struggles from an ancestral perspective and then chronologically mapping the trials and tribulations of the author "Benjamin Ganong" up until his final relapse with alcohol, and into the recovery world.
The Memoir aspires to come from a place of absolute honesty to give the reader the best chance of acquiring some measure of help from the dialogue therein. The text also delves into the recovery component of sobriety, what the author has continued to struggle with after putting the bottle down, and what methods of personal growth have been effective for him thus far.

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