Kari_Chan
Hello I am a writer and get ready for some Supernatural Romance, action and a bit of Mystery. I am excited for what will await you...☻
ライティング
読書の
111
本を読む
バッジ
7瞬間
122
Kari_Chan2mthに返信 BlakLordSo you want me to correct or you don’t? I am not trying to annoy anyone so please be clear🥹, thanks
この段落は削除されました。- Kari_Chan2mthに返信 BlakLord
I haven’t been correcting anything in a while 😀
この段落は削除されました。 - Kari_Chan3mthに返信 Myra_Agpalza_Butac
I actually fixed that thank you
この段落は削除されました。 - Kari_Chan3mthに返信 HiddenPearl
Girl he’s both keep reading 😂🤣🫣
So I stay near him trying to pick at him figuring out myself through his words. I stay where I feel safe but yet afraid of this man's past. I stay by him having no choice but to trust him. He knows to much while I know too little. He knows my name when I don't know his. This man is a stranger he may be my curse or he may be my cover. In the end I am learning from him, growing from him, and being saved by his grasp. Being confused by his demeanor having unquired feelings for him. Yet, he is a liar to himself he seals his identity hides in shades of black covers his life's scars. Who is this man, why does he know me? how does he know me? I get tired of the concealing, the false image, and the misconceptions. It's only a matter of time where I am found and he's lost and I find what I am looking for. Myself... - Kari_Chan3mthに返信 Calendertime
Thank you
I question myself it's a bit strange a man follows your footsteps, it would make you think. Especially that he tells you he knows you and has heard your story. He knows your past he knows where you belong. - Kari_Chan3mthコメントCh 6 I felt like
- Kari_Chan3mthに返信 Dabized
Well, I’m glad I noticed it and it’s OK if you can’t reply to every comment just as long as that helps you edit. And you’re right on one thing I have a whole list of peoples books I was going to read and review, I’m happy I stumbled upon yours. If anything else you would like to ask me as well you can just text me from Facebook of course.
- Kari_Chan3mth発表
I have been reading your novel, and I quite like it. The story building is beautifully written, and how you describe areas around your characters very good. And I actually quite enjoy the conversations between Linda and Caroline with Eric. It’s quite entertaining to read. I would advise you though to write more dialogue, then description to make the book more alive just like someone once told me. One thing you should be more concerned about, is the pacing in your story. I understand you were trying to build it up by chapter 13, which I noticed. But I felt that it could have already picked up when you mentioned about the skull on the door. I can’t remember which chapter it was I believe it was five. But that alone sparked, some interest. There could’ve been more done with that, by building it up from chapter 5, then hammering down with more action between chapters 13 to 18 if you wanted.
- Kari_Chan3mthコメント
I see you fixed it here with the twins dialogue good job
"You guys are early," Eric said, gesturing for them to enter. "Good morning, big brother. Good morning, big brother," they greet in unison. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
Caroline stared into my eyes
Caroline stared at my eyes, so you want to earn wealth and open business? - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
Just say: they both said at the same time once more. “Where both in grade two!”
Big Brother Eric, I am in grade two. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
“Good Morning, Big Brother!” they said simultaneously
Good morning big brother. - Kari_Chan3mthに返信 Kari_Chan
No need for picked up
"Huh, what's this crimson light?" Only then did he notice that his room was bathed in a crimson hue. Turning towards the source, he saw the red crystal he had picked up in the sewer shining inside his drawer. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
He saw the red crystal he picked The word picked already insinuates the action of taking hold of some thing
"Huh, what's this crimson light?" Only then did he notice that his room was bathed in a crimson hue. Turning towards the source, he saw the red crystal he had picked up in the sewer shining inside his drawer. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
Realistically, I would be scared
The Giant Being on the throne opened his expressionless eyes, stretching his hand, he slashed it towards them. All the heads of the five Giants kneeling on the floor were severed. The two women around the Giant Being watched this dead scene with their expressionless eyes. The Giant Being sighed, even the Mortal has Greed! God had Greed! And what are the Giants? - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
This part was written way too wordy Here’s a better way. Suddenly, a door with a giant skull engraving, shot rays of purple gleam into my eyes, blinding me. When I reopened my eyes, I found myself in a new location.
Suddenly, the Giant skull engraved in the door shot a ray of purple gleam directly into mine, causing me to close my eyes in pain. When I reopened them, I found myself in another strange place. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
I like the way this was written ❤️
"A tall two-way door, inscribed with runes and 'unknown' symbols, appeared in his sight." - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
I would say: Eric kept thinking about the superstition,
Fearing the encounter of the dead body, Eric kept thinking about the superstitious. Since, he is in another world, everything seemed to be possible. Being transmigrated into another is the biggest impossibility he had experienced. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
The enemy of being poor was money And put poor people instead of just poor or say, being poor
Eric sighed, the enemy of poor was money. Poor hated the money because it was very expensive. Some poor couldn't afford money and beg on the streets, and die on cold. - Kari_Chan3mthコメント
Poor eric
Disheartened by the failure to secure a job, he walked back home. Inside the alley, where he usually took a shortcut, the sounds of two dogs barking drew his attention. He noticed a familiar black and a white dog engaged in a scuffle over something near the sewer.