Chapter 14 - How My Depression Started. . .

My personality is like non other, yes we are all special in our own little way. Just like how the stars in the sky don't all look the same and how everyday is always different. I am the type of person who would just disapear out

of your life if ever I did not feel appreciated. I put my feelings aside just to make other people happy. And fortunately I am able to pick up very fast if the feeling isn't mutual. I lost so many people in my past. Although not all

of those friendships or relationships was a complete loss. And in the process I am finding myself. In a blink of an eye your life can change. I remember how I used to lay awake in bed at 3 in the morning trying to figure out

what is wrong with me, why I will never be good enough. I think my mind is programed to be awake at that time. Because many times I still find myself awake, sometimes I still ask if I am good enough for the people around

me. And a lot of times I don't even feel good enough for myself.

There will always be people in your life trying to put you down. Now I didn't realise this until a few months ago. I remember how I had trauma happen in my life and a lot of people would tell me that I needed to go for

counciling. But me being me, I felt that it was unnecessary because I am fine. Like what is everyone going on about, they can't tell me what I can and can't do. At the time I was dating a guy who refused to let me see my

parents. it broke my heart but because I loved this guy so much I felt the need to respect hs wishes. Slowly I started feeling so alone because eventually I wasn't even allowed to see my friends. It killed me because when I

needed him the most he chose to be with his friends. I started working long hours just to avoid the pain of just having to sit at home while he was out partying with his friends.

So now my body is overworked because I have been working double shifts at work with only 1 day off a week. All of that because I want to make enough money to impress a guy who choose his friends over me. But now

everything is just getting too much. I am slowly strting to drift away from everything, I am no longer as passionate about my job like how I was a few months ago. I start doing things that makes no sence. I am A girl who

hates being where the crowd is. If we are chilling at a friends house and there are too many people, I simply choose to go home. So now I am going to clubs, drinking , smoking and meeting up with random guys to make

out. Nothing more. Why am I doing all these things? Looking back I know it was just me seeking attention.

Oh and did I get it. I had guys buying me lunch, taking me out, giving me a lift home, showering me with gifts. I got all the attention I wanted. But none that I needed. . .