Chapter 15 - How My Depression Started (part 2)

I used to not care about how my future went. I used to wonder what the use was of me working so hard to get my life together when it just keeps falling apart. Why do I keep welcoming people into my life when they

are just going to hurt me in the end. Why do I even allow my heart to be broken in the first place. Guys depression is nothing to play with. I was tired all the time no matter how much sleep I got. I was doing things that I couldn't understand. Half of the time I couldn't even remember what I did. Being at work was really difficult. All I wanted was to lay in bed with my mom holding me while I cried myself to sleep. But I couldn't see her. I wasn't allowed to. I think that made things even more difficult. I needed time away from everything and everybody. One of the guys that I was seeing took me to a beautiful location for the weekend. All I can remember is him getting me mikshake on the way there, us hiking for a bit and we came across one of the pools the the location had. We sat there by the pool side for hours and spoke. Then I decided that it was time for a swim and dove

into the pool. After our swim we went to our room, and that is about all that I can remember of the whole weekend.

I can't remember the drive back, I cant remember what we spoke about. I can't remember if we watch a movie. Nothing! I can't even remember what I was wearing. It's like I had a blackout for the whole weekend. Everything is just a blur. Like what if this guy was a phsycho? What if he did something to me and I can't even remember. I get scared when I think that we might have done something that I can't even remember. What if I had died that weekend and I would not even remember it today. I remember that it was some time around my birthday and I remember going for a tattoo. When I think back, there isn't much that I remember. The same with some of the memories from my childhood. There is a lot that my cousins would remind me about and then I can't remember it. Not that I don't want to, I just can't remember it. I can't explain why. I wish I knew how to get those memories back.

It is in this time that I realized that I need to make a life changing decision. Stay in this world of confussion, depression, lies, hurt and so much more. Or do I choose to leave it all behind and make myself happy. I don't know

what true happiness feels like, can someone please help me find it. I decided to quit my job and move to the farm to stay with my grandparents. So after making this decision, I felt so good. Finally I am making my own decisions, and doing things that make me happy. Nothing ever felt this good. Why have I not made this decision a long time ago. If I knew that it felt this good to put yourself first, I woud have done it ages ago, Instead of trying to make everyone else happy. People who did not deserve to be blessed with my presence. It feels amazing. I feel amazing. . .