My First...

Time heals old wounds but it also makes you forgetful and due to this forgetfulness of ours the same mistakes repeat themselves over and over again. 

Valentine's Day, 14 of February 2009. This is the day I felt butterflies in my stomach for the first time.

Mattie moved in with his aunt a few months ago,  as he promised when I was 12.

 Now, I am 14 years old. My birthday gift that year was a bra. It had a brown reddish colour. It was my first.

It felt uncomfortable at first but then I loved how it was holding everything together.

I started feeling a certain pull between me and Mattie that winter, a certain attraction. I knew the new wetness between my legs was because of him. I...wanted him. 

Let me tell you a bit about Mattie and why I had created this obsession of making him mine. 

He had a motorcycle which I thought was kind of cool.

Quite shallow of me, right? 

He was the new guy. He was friendly and seemed to easily get along with everyone, boys and girls alike.

He had black curly hair, a darker complexion and seemed really tall from my point of view.

 I would get lost in his hugs, or so I imagined. And I imagined a lot of things I could do with him...

In conclusion, I was jealous because Mattie was being overly friendly.

I met him first but I was the one who spent the least amount of time with him. I think my desire to have him for myself started from this feeling of wanting his eyes to see only me.

It was more like an obsession to not lose the one thing that became mine.

I was an 8th grader without a phone and things were difficult. Me and Mattie, when it came to contacting each other, it was almost impossible to do so.

Like a foolish teen I borrowed one of my colleague's phone to message him from time to time. That ment that she knew everything about our "relationship". 

Now, Valentine's Day. 

We did not plan to meet that day. I was walking home from school, early afternoon.

I was with my colleague,Violet. She told me Mattie was going home from school too. I was excited to hear that, chances were that I get to see him. I was thrilled.

It was quite cold that day. My childhood winters were always full of snow and pathways made of ice. I was careful so I won't fall while walking.

I foolishly smile and wave  as soon as I see his figure on the left side of the road.

-Hi. I say and go to hug him.

-Hi. He answers back.

My colleague said her goodbyes and we ended up just the two of us, alone.

I knew I had to leave soon though. I had to be home, otherwise there was a scolding waiting for me.

-Happy Valentine's Day! 

He said and gave me a small toy. It was a lion. 

-Thank you. I like it.

It was a cute!

My hands were red. He noticed. 

Opened his jacket, pulled me in and covered my upper half with his warmth. A moment of silence passed.

-Hey, I like you. I really like you.

He lowered his head and put his chin on the top of my head.

I smiled. I felt too shy to say anything. 

Wrapping my hands around him I hug him tight never wanting to let go.

-I have to go now. My mom is going to kill me if I'm late.

I pull out of his embrace.

He just stood there and looked at me, that was the moment I realised he wanted to kiss me. 

I took a step back. I wasn't ready.

We just said our goodbyes and we left in separate directions. You may wonder why, we lived close to each other so we could have just walked home together. In all honesty, I was afraid people seing us together and telling my parents. I was terrified by that thought.

I was playing with the lion on my way home. I decided to call it Red. I hid it well when I arrived home, afraid to not lose it or anyone finding out about Red.

Later on, that month, I had a discussion with Mia about kissing. You see, she already had a boyfriend. She guided me towards the dos and don'ts but I never imagined actually kissing Mattie.

From that moment forward, we talked, hugged, and sometimes held hands but not kissed. It went on for a few months.

And so came the school dance at the end of May.

By that time I was a bit confused. Were we dating? Were we still just friends who liked each other? I understand now why people say that love is blind. I didn't care as long as I spent time with Mattie.

29th of May 2009 ,it was 10 pm.

Inside were people dancing, outside it was silly me waiting for him. We met somewhere more private,away from prying eyes, even though it was still outside.

He came on his motorcycle. I was happy to see him. We talked and talked for about half a hour and got closer to each other. Then I hear:

-Kiss him!

My friend, Mia, who was watching everything from afar tried to give us a little push.

My heart rushed but I knew it was the right moment.

I got up on my toes and touched his lips with mine. I felt like I was about to faint. 1,2,3 Done!

 I remember running towards my friend and, before going inside, I turned to see Mattie one last time to make sure he was alright.

If we were alright. He was smiling. I was smiling. Kissing was no big deal now, I did it!

But the night was not over yet. A hour later I went outside again, saw him, and gave him another peck on the lips.He stayed around just in case. I enjoyed that. I made sure to see him right before I went home to do it again.

I wonder what would have happened if my mother saw all that?

 She was a chaperone at the dance and things would have been disastrous for me if she knew her quiet, shy girl was kissing a boy. 

That night I slept with a smile on my face. I often had nightmares which only got worse as I grew so a peacefull night like this was a blessing.