I love you?

To love you is a sin and a curse but it's so…sweet and warm.  

To love you is my worst nightmare and right now my heart is my biggest enemy. 

I think I love you Mattie....

I feel as a lost and confused soul but my brain tells me that I am a little less lost, a little less confused now that I know I loved you.

Curses! I woke up. Two weeks have passed since my first kiss. My nights have been restless.

I bite my lips roughly. I'm stressed. Or maybe nervous? I hate it when I can't understand my own emotions. 

It's summer so the sunrise was quite early today. 

For the past two weeks I secretly met with Mattie. Let me tell you it wasn't easy, we almost got caught a few times. 

His kisses were more like pecks on my lips, hurried and short, but still very addictive. I kept on trying to convince myself that I should not do this. I should not have a secret relationship with him. I should not want his lips on mine with so much hunger. 

I discovered how maddening love can be in just a couple of weeks. I was hooked. 

This has gone too far, I had to end it. I was shit scared of my parents finding out. We weren't very good at hiding and my sisters already saw us kissing. It was a matter of time  before one of them told my mother. 

-Damn it! 

When did life get so complicated?

The thing is, I am a terrible liar. Might have gotten better at it with experience but I was such a horrible liar when I was young. 

So, my problem that morning was how do I stop this relationship?

I got out of my room,and the first thing I saw was my mother in the kitchen with the door wide opened. I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times, taking in the fresh air. I look up. 

Mattie. The image of his lips touching mine kept interrupting my admiration for the clear sky. 

-Hey! I say to my mother. 

-Shall I start on breakfast? 

Women in my house did everything while the men were just served. I gew in a very patriarchal house which had its ups and downs.

We were poor but there was always food on the table. Somehow my mother made sure of that.

The whole day I was just trying to decide if I should end things with Mattie or to tell him that I love him.

It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. 

I was shy, with no experience in dating or talking with boys in general it was hard for me to show him how much I liked him. 

There's this specific incident that made me take the final decision to break up with him. 

I had my highschool entrance exam that summer and I remember meeting with him and some of his friends, boys and girls, some of them being couples too. I know them as well but we were not really friends. 

Anyway, there was this small mountain that people could climb up to a pint quite easily so they said we should hang up there. 

Until then I don't think I held hands with Mattie for more than 2-3 times. I was really shy to ask for his hand so it was an awkward climb. 

We arrived at an area which had wooden benches where to rest. We just chatted and the rest of the couples started making out. That freaked me out. 

I'm sure I looked so awkward standing there just watching their full on makeout session. And all I wanted to do was hide from embarrassment. I just stood there by Mattie's side and tried to just chat with him. So…so awkward! 

Fast forword…like an hour or two later, I was with some of the girls from that group.We were  going to the train station to get home. Mattie had something to do so he was only returning late at night to the village.

-Rain, what was that behaviour with Mattie today? He is your boyfriend, you need to take the initiative!

I was stunned. As the girls continued to criticise me for the way I behaved, or not with my boyfriend it made me realise that I was not ready to be in a relationship.

I couldn't perceive myself having makeout sessions in public places when we were supposed to be in a secret relationship. 

In the end I knew what I had to do!