Entry 12: Second Heartbreak

March 11, 2016

I don't know how to start this entry… My heart's heavy, it's hard to breathe…

I think I finally understood the saying, "So close yet so far…" We're so close with each other yet I can't even touch him. Even if I wanted to, I can't… That's what I felt earlier.

I thought today's going to be a fun and fresh experience for me. First off, we had our clean-up drive which I enjoyed doing; it felt good doing something to at least make the environment 1% better. I honestly want to do this again sometime; it felt rewarding. Second, for the first time, my mom allowed me to attend a practice for our full-length play at my classmate's house. Usually, she insists on letting us practice here in our house but today's different. Probably because we don't have much room to practice here at home, so she agreed.

After the said clean-up drive, we're supposed to go to our classmate's—let's call him James, we're supposed to go to James house for our full-length play practice. I'm with Paisley because I don't know how to commute on my own, kind of embarrassing but I'm just really not used to going outside on my own because mom won't let me. Anyway! I mentioned before that Paisley and Thalia are friends, right?

Well, turns out they had this talk, that she'll come along with us in going to James' house. To be honest, I don't have a problem with that. BUT SHE'S WITH FREAKING DASH! I don't know how I am supposed to act when he's around, especially now that I'm having these feelings towards him once again. How can I act normal around him—around them?!

When Paisley broke that news to me, my eyes completely wide open and my body froze; my entire system's panicking all thanks to Paisley. I even whined at her until we went back to the school and she kept apologizing about it. While our teacher's giving some speech about how great we did during the clean-up drive, I tried to coax Paisley we should just head out first and tell Thalia that there has been an emergency that's why we can no longer wait up for them but she did not concur.

I'm still whining at her, begging not to let Thalia and Dash join us. Unfortunately, the time has come; they approached us so I tried to act cool.

They agreed to eat something first before heading to James' house, yeah I just let them decide what to do. I just kept my mouth shut and I will just nod when they ask me something. Of course, Dash noticed, so Paisley nudged me with her elbow, getting my full attention. And dang, that elbow nudge hurts like hell! I said I'm fine, and tell them we should get going.

They picked McDonald's, the one near our school. Since I'm stress out and tired from all the cleaning we did, my fat ass ordered my all-time favorite meal; a one-piece chicken with orange juice, fries, and McFlurry—Ugh! I suddenly craved for this! Anyway, I ordered that thinking it could relieve my nervousness around the two but it just freaking cause me more stress!

So, I have this way of eating my McFlurry, I would often put French fries on it and let the fries sipped those flavorful crumbs of Oreo—oh my gosh! Heaven! I savor every spoonful of ice cream I ate; that's how I eat my dessert, so don't judge me! Until the last drop of that vanilla ice cream and those large crumbs of Oreo, in the end, I would always get everything out of the cup. To cut the story short, I don't waste any food, especially with my dessert. I'll consume every ounce and I unconsciously did that today! IN FRONT OF FREAKING DASH NEWITT!! Can you feel how embarrassed I was?!

To my shocked, he's looking in my direction and he had this wide smile on his face and I have no clue why! I got shy and I swear I felt my cheeks burned up, but I continued getting every bit. To hide my red cheeks, I moved my seat away from our table and avoided his gaze, trying to focus myself on those savory Oreo crumbs, he laughed at my reaction making Thalia looked at him and asked why but he just shook his head still looking at me.

When I finished my business, I cleaned up my face and my side of the table; wipe the tables, and fix the utensils and plates. I swear I could still feel his intense stare at me, but I didn't look in his direction and pretended to be busy. Thalia said she'll go to the restroom first before we proceed to Dash's condo.

Well, it looked like Paisley and Thalia already got this planned and I had no choice but to follow them around because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF TO JAMES' HOUSE! Thalia said that she'll use Dash's comfort room to shower because she can't take how sticky she was with all the cleaning we did. And Paisley had her change of clothes too, and I was the stupid one who didn't bring any fresh clothes. It honestly didn't cross my mind.

When Thalia walked away, Dash suddenly blurted, "How was your ice cream, Maia?" With his teasing smile plastered on his face, it's so embarrassing and annoying! "Shut up!" I half-shouted as I hide my face in Paisley's arms. I could once again feel my cheeks burned up because of his remark. "So cute," I swear I heard him said that but I'm not sure since he only whispered it and before I could ask him about it, Thalia came back.

We had a quick ride on the way to his condo. While walking on the way to his condo unit, Paisley and I were just walking by behind and I could see their sweetness first-hand. I can't hold back my tears any longer and asked Paisley, "Why do you have to hurt me like this?" I jokingly stated as a tear escaped my eyes.

Paisley panicked as she apologizes making the two looked back at us. Fortunately, I was quick enough to look away, so they won't see me crying. I'm a wreck. I don't want to be in this position.

I paused for a while to compose myself… As I do, I could feel how he slowly goes farther… and farther away from me. With the girl, he's in love with, in his arms, as they happily stroll in the mall parking area. So close… We were so close—We were so close to having each other, right? But how did this happen? Why are you so far away from me now? You're so hard to reach now?

For the second time around I had my heartbroken, but this time I know this isn't just a simple crush. I'm–I'm in love with him, but I should not—I cannot. I simply can't.

Paisley brought me back to my senses, so we continued walking. Finally, we reached Dash's condo unit. Thalia head straight to the bathroom and took her shower, whilst, we patiently waited for her. I looked around Dash's condo and it's quite messy and it turns out they just recently move here, that's why it's still messy, according to him. Then, I saw a photo of a man who turned out to be his father, then I remembered his story about his father, and I can't help but wonder if Thalia knows about that story too or even the other girls he recently got linked with.

When Thalia finished, it supposed to be our turn to use the bathroom but since I don't have extra clothes I just let Paisley go first, then when I revealed to them I don't have spare clothes, Dash hurriedly offered to let me borrow his shirt which I immediately refuse because I'm scared Thalia might not like the idea of it even though he second motion to Dash's suggestion but I know she was just being nice. However, Dash was kind of persistent that he even went to his room to grab his neatly folded shirt. Truth be told, I badly want to get it because I wanted to feel his scent on me, but I'm glad I didn't break.

My heart's pounding hard that time because I could see the look in Dash's eyes wanting me to use his shirt, but I continuously reject it. I just gave him a sweet smile and thank him for his generosity. It melts my heart knowing that he's willing to let me borrow his shirt, that small things are the ones that always get me.

You thought that's where the story for today ended, right? Well, you're wrong! A lot happened today, and it's making me go all types of crazy.

We took a ride once more to head to James' house. We were seated across from each other and once again, I could see their sweetness. Since the ride took a while, Thalia took that a chance to sleep, so she rested her head on Dash's shoulder while Dash fans her with the wooden fan owned by Paisley.

It was a painful sight for me. Even if I don't want to see it, I could still see them because they're just in front of us! I think that was the longest ride I ever experienced, and I didn't enjoy every minute. What made me gasped for air was when Dash kissed her on the forehead. I got caught off guard but I pretended I was looking at the view and not to them; I don't want to be labeled as a stalker!

So when we finally arrived at the entrance of James' subdivision, my thoughts wondering that I didn't notice the concrete I'm walking on, because of that I tripped.

I already embarrassed myself to Dash too many times in one day. I just want to melt like a cube of ice in front of them. I just want to be eaten alive by basically anything! Dash tried to help me out, but I quickly got up on my own and just laughed it off, so they just laughed at me, too.

This was one hell of a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Above all of it, I just confirmed something… I am indeed in love with him. Unfortunately, I'm included in those one-sided types of love stories. Would I be able to take this kind of pain?