Entry 13: Intense

TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm. Read at your own risk.

March 14, 2016

Well, last time was nerve-wracking.

I'm not sure now how to face both of them! Earlier, I kept avoiding his gaze, and I completely made sure that he would not feel my presence. Thank God everyone's all too busy preparing for our upcoming full-length play project for this last quarter. These are some requirements we need to accomplish for this school year since summer's just right around the corner; which I truly can't wait for that time to come!

During recess time, like always, we have to wait for our next teacher to come before we could go inside the room, so we have to wait for her outside. I'm just standing quietly there alongside Paisley. I'm daydreaming I didn't even notice Thalia and Dash standing right next to me; enjoying their shared ice cream. I just realized their existence when Dash accidentally bumped me.

At first, I ignored it since my mind's still wandering around. However, I felt something bumped at me again, that's why I faced a person ready to fight that person but when I realized it was Dash I instantly got speechless, leaving my mouth hanging open.

We both stare at each other for quite some time. As if he was waiting for my banter with those cheeky smiles on his face as if meant to bump me in the first place but I guess I'm just assuming that part.

I'm the first one to break off the staring contest and walked out of there to save myself from more embarrassment. I already had much of that.

The day passed by quickly, thank God! I believed today seemed more relax? I'm not quite sure if I used the right word to describe the day since most of my classmates appear to be all busy preparing the props and basically doing all kinds of stuff but I believe we're less busy now than in the past days.

The class was having their own worlds and I'm with Paisley and I'm stuck with Thalia and Dash too since Thalia always wants to be with Paisley. They would often talk to each other about her relationships obviously and I'm just there, just daydreaming.

Yeah, nothing much happened today so, I'll leave this entry here!

March 15, 2016

I wish time had better timing for you and me…

Well, that was just some lingering thought I have in mind. Like, I wish I met you at the right time, where there's no hesitation—no fear of showing my true feelings. That way we might have to end up being together, but who knows, maybe we're actually meant for each other?

It was just a silly concept that kept bothering me earlier, probably because of the situation I just witness. Dash was not in the mood, I could feel how mad he was even from afar and no one knows why well I think except for Thalia. From the looks of it, I think they fought once again. Everything seemed to be fine at first but as time progress, Dash suddenly throws a fit then challenged a guy to fight him. Thankfully, the guy didn't budge, so Dash ended up punching the locker out of frustration.

That scared the hell out of me since that was the first time seeing him that mad. Fortunately, his friends were quick to calm him down. The class got over it easily but Thalia suddenly runs off the class and head straight to the restroom and of course, being a good friend Paisley and I followed her even if I wanted to check on Dash's state.

What I witnessed in that restroom left me in major disbelief. This might need a big fat TRIGGER WARNING, but I just saw Thalia harming herself—I would not go into details since it's a very sensitive topic. She sure has a reason for doing that, but I just wish she didn't resort to hurting herself.

Of course, Paisley and I stopped her from doing that, and Thalia seemed to know that what she's doing was wrong too, so she stopped. We tried to knock her senses out too before we head back to our classroom.

Seeing her in that state, made me realized that her all-powerful and bossy attitude might just be a front to protect her real self. To protect her from getting taken advantage of. I just wish that if she's feeling numb or sad she could just try to speak to someone than doing that to herself. I mean, I know it's difficult because I; myself been through that, even Dash went through that—actually he's the one who talked some senses out of me. Thankfully, I didn't do that. I don't have the guts to hurt myself like that.

I remembered him sending photos of his self-harm, and it was not a pleasant view to look at. You could feel the pain and sadness out of that photo—again, this needs a trigger warning. I'm just glad that Dash was able to get through that. That's one thing I admire about Dash, he's been through so much and yet he's still here enjoying his life.

However, I don't think Thalia and Dash's relationship is healthy anymore, especially with what just happened. But I guess all relationships go through this. I just wish that they have handled it more maturely but what was I thinking we're basically fifteen years old, we still got a lot of things to learn. Who knows, maybe they'll make up tomorrow.

I know it's not a right time to think about us; I mean Dash and me, but you know what if–what if it was us? Would we be fighting like this? I know I've done all kinds of crazy and with all the avoidance I did, which I completely regret, but what if? What if until now we still have each other?

This day surely was a heavy one, I just hope the best for the both of them. I wanted to send him a message like I did last time when I saw him crying. Yeah, I could not contain myself and ended up messaging him to ask if he's all right.

I even joked that it turns out he's not a robot after all; which he used to say to me before. That he's technically a robot, incapable of feeling something then months went by; there he was crying his balls out. He laughed, recollecting his words. Later on, he said that he was just having some family problems and then he's kind of pissed off at Thalia too because of the bruise he attained from Thalia's bite. His problem got stacked, and he got overwhelmed with his feelings and ended up crying all his frustration.

I hoped he would be this open about his feelings to me once again, but I don't think that's the best thing to do right now. I don't want to go in between their issues. I guess I will let them solve their issues on their own, but I'll always be here for him when he needs me. Always.