8. Chapter 8

Meredith came back about three hours after finishing Maya’s surgery, around 8 pm.

“Hey,” the general surgeon said, coming into the quiet, dark room, seeing her sister sitting in the chair, “How are things going?”

“She’s been stable,” Amelia said, not bothering to whisper, knowing full well that Carina was wide awake, “Her pressure is holding, and her temperature is down another .2 degrees as of 10 minutes ago.”

“Good,” Meredith said, going over to the bed, lifting up the sheet to check Maya’s incision, “Carina, are you alright?”

The OB just shrugged, rubbing at her tired eyes.

“Her drain output is looking good,” Meredith said, “It’s putting out a lot which as you know is good and her surgical site is still looking good too. I want to see how her labs are, but she is stable which is a good sign. Now, Carina, you need to get some rest.”

“I’m ok,” Carina said, shaking her head.

“Car, you are going to make yourself sick if you don’t sleep,” Amelia said, getting up and going over to her friend, “Maya is out right now. I am here. There’s not much you can do to help her right now, but when she wakes up, in a day or two, then she is going to need you. If you wear yourself out now while she is sedated, you are going to be no use to her when she wakes up and needs you.”

“I fell asleep, and she went septic,” Carina said, bottom lip wobbling, “I need to be awake if she needs me.”

“Oh Carina,” Amelia said, going to her friend’s side, putting an arm around her, “There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. She has an infection. You know how unpredictable these things are. And with her injuries, we were anticipating an infection from the get. You are not her doctor. You are not responsible her getting sick.”

“I should have been paying better attention to her temperature,” Carina said as she cried, “Or watched her BP closer. Or asked for extra blood draws or something. I am a doctor. I know what the risks were, and I just let myself fall asleep and now she is fighting for her life again so I can’t sleep because what if that happens again.”

“Carina,” Meredith said, “We were keeping an eye on all those things. Her temp was 99.5 two hours before all of this happened, and her BP was low but still normal too. She wasn’t showing many signs until she was really sick, and that happens. There was nothing you or any of us could have done to catch this earlier.”

Carina just cried, allowing herself to lean into Amelia a little bit.

“Right now, Carina, you need to take care of yourself,” Amelia said softly as Meredith got a page, leaving the room, “Let me take care of you and Maya, just for the next twelve hours. Let yourself rest and sleep.”

“I just need her to be better,” Carina said as she tried to wipe the tears away.

“I know,” Amelia said, “And I wish I could tell you with 100% certainty that that will happen, but you know I would be lying if I did. But I can tell you that she would want you to take care of yourself right now too, not just her, and I know this as a fact because the amount of times I have seen that woman come into this hospital with food or coffee or just herself to make sure you were ok are more than I can count. And I have seen her do it when she had had terrible days because there was one time she couldn’t find you because I think you had been sent to Seattle Pres for something and I saw her kick a trash can out front so I went to talk to her. She told me she had been working a double shift and that one of her colleagues was in the hospital from an injury, and she had maybe 15 stitches in her forehead, and I could tell by how she was walking that she injured her leg, and she was in some kind of hot water at work. I told her that was a good reason to kick a trash can, and she said she hadn’t kicked it because of that, but because you had had a long week and that she was worried you were tired and needed a break and you were gone so she couldn’t get you to rest. She still had dried blood on her face and all she was worried about was you.”

Carina let out a small chuckle through the tears, remembering that day.

She had been having a hard week. It was coming up on the one-year anniversary of Andrea’s death, and her father had been calling her more than usual. She and Maya were on opposite schedules which just made it worse.

She had gotten called to Seattle Pres because she had a patient who had been in a car accident and was brought there when she was unconscious. However, the patient woke up and absolutely refused to let anyone examine her baby besides Carina, but she wasn’t stable enough to transport so Carina had had to go to her. She had gotten the call about twenty minutes before she was supposed to get off, meaning she was already exhausted.

She had ended up having to deliver the baby at Seattle Pres and then spent two hours trying to convince her patient that the OB at Seattle Pres could take care of her post-natal care.

By the time Carina was done, she just wanted to go home. However, she had left her clothes and bag back at Grey Sloan meaning she had to go back.

She had gotten back to her office and found her wife sound asleep on her couch. She had woken up when the door opened, the OB instantly worried about the cut on her head, but Maya had brushed it off, insisting she was fine. Maya had taken her home that night, ordered them dinner, and just held her after her father called for the fifth time that week.

Carina knew Amelia was right. Maya would want her to take care of herself and be pissed if she woke up and found her wife hadn’t done that. However, as much as Carina knew she needed to sleep, knew Maya would want her to sleep, she couldn’t get her brain to calm down enough to rest.

“You need to sleep,” Amelia said, pulling Carina out of her thoughts, “I can give you something. I know you hate taking it, and that it doesn’t exactly give you the best sleep, but it will at least give your body time to rest. Please. If not for yourself, do it for Maya.”

“I…ok,” Carina agreed, looking back at her wife, watching her chest rise and fall with the help of the ventilator.

“I have the pills I gave you the first night,” Amelia said, “Or I can get you something stronger.”

“Those were ok,” Carina said, nodding.

“Ok,” Amelia said, “Here you go. Take these and close your eyes. I am going to watch both of you all night.”

“Grazie, Amelia,” Carina said, laying back down, “Wake me up if anything changes.”

“I will wake you up if you need to be woken up,” Amelia amended, “Now, do you need anything else? You have another twenty or thirty minutes before that kicks in. Maybe something to eat?”

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head.

“Tomorrow morning, you are eating again,” Amelia warned her friend, “And if you need anything tonight, I’m right here.”

Carina nodded a little, going over to the head of Maya’s bed, leaning down and giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

“You are doing so well Bambina,” she whispered quietly, “Just keep fighting for me, ok? Come back to me because I need you. I can’t do this without you so just keep fighting.”

Carina pressed another kiss to her cheek before climbing back into her cot, taking Maya’s hand. She watched her wife’s chest rise and fall, the sound of the ventilator eventually lulling her to sleep. Carina woke up around 2 am from a nightmare, feeling her entire body shaking as she tried to calm herself down.

“Carina,” Amelia said, hearing the whimpering coming from her friend, “Hey, Carina. You ok?”

When the OB didn’t answer, Amelia got up, going over to her friend.

“Carina,” Amelia said again, squatting down next to the cot, “Hey, it’s ok. Was it a nightmare?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “I’m fine. Sorry.”

“What did I say?” Amelia said, grabbing some water, handing it to Carina, “No more apologizing. Do you want to talk about it?”

Carina shook her head, drinking some of the water.

“Ok,” Amelia said, “How about you take another pill and go back to sleep?”

“I hate that I have to take these to sleep,” Carina grumbled, swallowing the medicine.

“I know,” Amelia said, offering her a sad smile, “But you have to sleep, and you aren’t sleeping without them.”

Carina mumbled something in Italian before pulling her blanket back up. Amelia didn’t know what exactly she said, but she recognized the word stupid and brain from other things she had heard Carina say so she had a pretty good guess that her friend was frustrated with how she was processing all of this.

Amelia sighed, deciding to do another check on Maya while she was up. She felt Carina’s eyes on her as she moved around the bed, checking the drains and other numbers, taking the blonde’s temperature with the thermometer that had been left there for her use.

“She is stable,” Amelia reassured Carina, “Her temp is still coming down. It’s 101.5 which is lower than earlier. I need to go grab her next rounds of meds. I will be right back.”

Amelia quickly stepped out, grabbing the various syringes, along with the new bag of fluids and antibiotics the nurses had prepared for her before going back into the room. She quickly got everything administered before going back to her chair, typing out the latest update into Maya’s chart.

She had taken blood for labs at midnight and those results had come back as getting better. Her white blood cell count was trending down as were her inflammatory markers.

Her electrolytes were so much better than they were earlier, though that was probably thanks to the kidney dialysis that was going. Amelia was really hoping that the dialysis would do its job and give Maya’s kidney the break it needed to start working again because if not, she was going to end up needing a transplant. That hadn’t even been a conversation yet because the main goal right now was getting Maya through the next few hours without incident.

Amelia went back to her charting that she was working on. She spent the rest of the night keeping an eye on both Maya, who continued to be stable, and Carina, who slept until 8 am.

Jo had texted and said she had gotten called in to work because with Carina out, OB was short-staffed.

Teddy, however, had also texted, saying she was free, and it was Evelyn’s day with Alison and Leo so she could take a shift with Maya and Carina. She had heard what had happened the day before and had offered to come, but Amelia had told her to hold off because Carina and Maya were going to need people for a while, and it was best that they were just there one at a time partly because people seemed to be really overwhelming to Carina right now and partly because they all needed to make sure they were getting rest so they could be helpful to their friends.

Teddy was going to come by around 9 with coffee, breakfast, and relief for Amelia. The neurosurgeon was just finishing grabbing blood for Maya’s latest labs when Carina started moving around in her bed. Amelia stayed quiet as she brought the vials of blood out to the nurses before coming back in, finding Carina sitting up.

“I just took her most recent blood samples for testing,” Amelia said, “But her labs were all good last night, and her blood pressure tried to dip around 5 am, but we adjusted her meds and it’s back to normal.”

“Have rounds happened yet?” Carina asked, yawning.

“Nope,” Amelia said, shaking her head, “Mer should be here soon. And Teddy is coming in about an hour and she is going to sit her with you guys today if that’s ok.”

“Si,” Carina nodded, looking back at her wife, “I’m sure her team wants to come. I should probably tell them they can as long as she stays stable.”

“They just want what’s best for you and Maya,” Amelia assured her friend who was folding up her bed and picking out something to wear, “So if that means they wait, then they will wait.”

“I am feeling slightly better this morning,” Carina said, deciding she was just going to change her pants, deciding that while she felt a little better, she still was teetering on the edge of full breakdown and wanted the comfort of Maya’s shirt, “And I have no idea if it will last, but I want to let them see her. If…if something happens and she…they deserve to see her.”

Amelia felt her heart break as Carina bit her lip, looking at her wife. The neurosurgeon knew her friend was thinking that if Maya died, her team deserved a chance to say goodbye, but that was too hard to think let alone say out loud.

“Go get changed,” Amelia said, “Mer is going to be here for rounds soon. I can text 19 if you want.”

“Please,” Carina nodded, going into the bathroom.

Amelia grabbed her own phone, somehow having ended up in a Station 19 group chat when she had gone to a party at Maya and Carina’s. She texted them all, giving a brief update of what was going on with their captain and her wife, telling them they were welcome to come visit one at a time if they were going to be brief and quiet.

She also told them to not bombard Carina with questions and to text her if they needed more answers. Technically, she was still Maya’s doctor, but she also knew that the last thing Carina needed was a thousand questions from concerned friends, so she was going to bend the HIPPA rules for the sake of her friend’s mental stability. All Carina needed right now was people who were going to be supportive.

As the OB came out of the bathroom, there was a knock on the door and in came Meredith.

“I see last night went well,” the general surgeon said, pulling up Maya’s chart, “And her latest numbers are still looking good. Her kidney function is still basically non-existent, but it hasn’t been very long. I am hoping her body is just struggling with the double hit of losing a kidney and septic shock and that it will figure it out in the next few days. The dialysis is doing a great job keeping everything balanced for now, and she’s tolerating it well. Her WBC is coming down slowly. It was very very high yesterday, and it’s still very high, but it is coming down so we have a good combo of antibiotics. Her inflammatory markers have increased since last night, so I am going to up her steroids to try to help with that. Oh, and I am going to take the drain out of her leg today because even with how sick she is, that is looking really good.”

“And I am going to take out the ICP monitor,” Amelia said, having just realized it was still in, “She didn’t have any major pressure increases even with all the trauma from yesterday, so I think it’s safe to say she is doing alright there.”

“Good,” Carina said, smiling a little at what felt like some solid steps forward, “How long is she going to be on the vent?”

“I want to see how today goes,” Meredith said, “And if it goes well, maybe tomorrow. I still want control of that airway.”

“What are you thinking the chances of recovery are?” Carina asked finally, having been thinking about it on and off all night, but too scared to ask.

She had a guess, but she hadn’t seen Maya’s charts or numbers or scans.

“I would say there is a 70% chance she will survive this,” Meredith said, “If she has as good a day as she did night, I would put that number higher by tomorrow, closer to 90%. As far as normal function, it really depends a lot on her body and how it responds, but statistically, maybe a 15% chance of her getting back to 100%. But a lot of that depends on that kidney and if she ends up with any other permanent internal damage.”

Carina took a deep breath, trying hard not to cry. All she really wanted was her wife alive, but she knew if Maya wasn’t able to get back to normal, it was going to be so hard.

“Grazie Meredith,” Carina said after a minute, looking back down at her.

“She’s tough,” Meredith said, nodding, “And you know how much motivation and drive help recovery. Bailey is taking over her care when I get off at noon so I’m sure she will check in when she starts, but if you need anything, just have someone page me. I am going to get that drain removed as soon as I get my hands on some supplies.”

“Can you also grab me some for her head?” Amelia asked, “Thanks.”

Meredith nodded, leaving the room as Carina walked up to Maya’s head.

“You are doing so well, Bambina,” Carina said, “You are losing more tubes which is good, and better that you are unconscious for because you will be more comfortable. Just keep fighting. You are so strong.”

Carina just stayed by Maya’s head, putting more ointment on her cuts as Meredith came back in.

“Alright,” Meredith said, lifting the blanket off Maya’s leg, “Here we go.”

Meredith pulled the drain from Maya’s leg, throwing a few stitches to close up the wound before putting a dressing on the area.

“That should continue healing just fine,” Meredith said, pulling off her gloves, “But we will keep an eye on it just in case. Her muscles in her leg probably saved it to be honest because if the cut had been much deeper, it probably would have seriously injured the bone, but because she has so much muscle, it stopped before it got there.”

“I guess that means I cannot complain about her incessant running and working out anymore,” Carina said, shaking her head before tears filled her eyes because all she could think was if she ever gets to work out again.

The next thing Carina knew, she was sitting down in her chair, head in her hands as she cried. She felt a hand on her back, rubbing gently circles as the fear took over her again. She thought about all the mornings she had begged Maya to stay in bed, just a little longer, knowing full well that in order for her wife to be her wife, she needed to be running or working out to keep her mind functioning well. The thought that Maya may never be able to do that again was terrifying and as hard as she tried not to catastrophize the situation, she couldn’t get herself out of the anxiety spiral.

“Carina,” she finally heard a voice break through her overwhelming thoughts, “Hey, Carina. Can you look at me?”

Somehow, Carina managed to pick her head up and look at her friend, Amelia getting her to calm her breathing and settle back down.

“You better?” Amelia asked, handing her some water.

“Si,” Amelia said, “Grazie. I just…I know it is stupid, and that it is thinking the worst, but I just keep thinking about what Maya will be like if she cannot run anymore. Who she will be without that. I don’t know. I need to just try to focus on the present, right now, how to help her right now.”

“Carina, it is ok to be worried about that,” Amelia said, going over to the sink to wash her hands, “However you feel is ok. There’s not really a guidebook for how to deal with your badass firefighter wife getting t-boned in her engine, being severely injured, and then going into septic shock so however you feel is exactly how you feel and trying to change it or make yourself feel bad about it is just going to make it harder.”

Carina nodded, getting back up and going to stand by Maya’s head, Amelia handing her a mask to protect the sterile field she was setting up on the side of Maya’s head. Carina slipped the mask on as she watched Amelia work, starting by unwrapping the gauze that had been around the blonde’s head, Carina seeing the injuries there for the first time, gasping a little. Maya had a large, maybe 7-inch gash from near her part to just behind her ear the entire area shaved making the 5 dozen or so stitches even more prominent.

“I know it looks bad,” Amelia said as she pulled out the monitor from a small bur hole near the incision, “But once her hair grows back in, it won’t even be visible. And her skull didn’t fracture so that is also a plus.”

Carina nodded as Amelia finished stitching the bur hole shut.

“I am going to leave the bandages off the big one,” Amelia said, “Just to give it room to breathe. I’m going to put some of this antibiotic cream on it just to avoid any more infections, but she is looking really good here.”

“Grazie Amelia,” Carina said, studying the incision.

Just then, Teddy walked in.

“Hey guys,” she said, smiling as she set the coffee and boxes of food down on the counter near the sink, “Hey, she lost the ICP monitor.”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “And the leg drain. Now it’s just the sepsis.”

“How has she been with that?” Teddy asked, handing Amelia and Carina a cup of coffee.

“Her levels were pretty stable or improving all night,” Amelia said, taking a long sip of the hot beverage, “She had a little hiccup with her BP, but we got that sorted, and her inflammatory markers are going up a little so Mer is adjusting her meds, but her fever and WBC are both coming down so that’s improvement.”

“Good,” Teddy nodded, having more questions, but knowing she was going to be handed Maya’s medical chart soon and spend the day getting very familiar with it as she helped monitor the fire captain, “Now, I have breakfast. I got pancakes, French toast, and a bunch of fruit.”

Amelia took one of the orders of pancakes, sitting down as Teddy looked at Carina.

“Can I just have coffee for now?” Carina asked, “I know I need to eat, but I never eat this early.”

“Ok,” Teddy conceded, handing her her normal coffee order before Carina went to sit back down.

Teddy and Amelia chatted a little, Carina joining in when she was able to stay present enough to follow the conversation for more than 30 seconds.

When she finished eating, Amelia got up, throwing out her trash before going over to Carina.

“I am going home to get some sleep,” she said, giving her friend a hug, “But if you need me, just call and I will be back here as fast as I can.”

“Grazie Amelia,” Carina said, “For everything.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow unless you need me before then,” Amelia said, nodding as she pulled back, “Make sure you are taking care of yourself…for Maya.”

Carina nodded as Amelia grabbed her stuff.

“Oh, Ben and Andy texted and said they want to stop by this morning if you are good with that, separately,” Amelia said, looking at her phone, “And Travis, Vic, and Jack all want to stop by this afternoon, one at a time.”

“That’s fine,” Carina sighed. “If you change your mind, just let me or them know,” Amelia said, “Which you are allowed to do, even if it’s just so you can watch her breathe on your own.”

Carina nodded, getting herself comfortable in her chair again.

“Text me if anything changes,” Amelia called as she walked out the door, leaving Teddy and Carina alone.

“Ready for some food?” Teddy asked, “Maybe just some fruit?”

“I’m not hungry,” Carina sighed, “I know I need to eat, but I just feel sick.”

“I understand,” Teddy nodded, “Have I ever told you about Alison?”

“I delivered her,” Carina reminded her friend, confused.

“Not that Alison,” Teddy said, chuckling, “The woman I named her after.”

“Your friend who died in 9/11?” Carina said, having heard mentions of it from Teddy.

“She wasn’t just my friend,” Teddy said, shaking her head, “She was the love of my life. She could have been my Maya if that day never happened.”

“I’m so sorry,” Carina said, glancing back at her wife.

“I’m not telling this to make you sorry for me,” Teddy said, shaking her head, “But when she died, my world crumbled and I couldn’t stay in New York because it felt like I was drowning so I joined the military and back then, the kind of love I had for Alison, that you have for Maya, it wasn’t allowed. Don’t ask, don’t tell was in full effect so I couldn’t talk to anyone there about my grief, so I just buried it. And I just kept burying it until about two years ago when all the grief I had ever felt suddenly just got to be too much for my walls, and it was bad. Owen wanted to admit me, Amelia had to hook me up to IV fluids in my bed at home because I was just paralyzed by my mind. I had these crazy vivid dreams, people who had died. Your brother was there, but it all started with Alison. She wanted me to go to breakfast with her that day, at the Towers, but I had to work. The guilt of being here and being fine when she wasn’t was so hard. And I know you went through that with Andrew. I just want you to know that I get it…how hard the PTSD is to work through and how much worse situations like this are because of it so if you need to talk, I’m here, and if you just need to know someone else knows, I’m here for that too. I’m here for whatever you need Carina, and I get it.”

“Grazie Teddy,” Carina said, smiling a little at her friend, tears in both of their eyes, “I don’t…I don’t want to talk about it right now, but thank you.”

“Of course,” Teddy nodded, smiling at her, “I just want you to know you’re not alone in this.”

Carina nodded, wiping at her tears as she went back to watching her wife.